you go back up to the top and see what i said about you being shit in bed and me telling everyone
then come back here and justify your existence.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:49, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

You're wrong, I have awesome technique
I can do one finger, two fingers, the V-sign fingering when you have one in your fanny and the other in your bum, the one where you use one hand for fingering and the other to squeeze your tits, the one where you use one finger in your fanny and the other one rubbing clit in an annoyingly non rhythmic fashion, the one where you use one finger in your fanny and your nose rubbing your clit and your tongue slobbering ineffectually on your labia majora, and the one where you keep getting your cock in the wrong hole "by accident" but you secretly love it.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

*feels dirty*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

I didn't mean you.
You wouldn't fit if I had my fingers and my head down there. If you tried, your tummy would keep slapping against my left ear.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

That'd just be awkward.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

You know, sometimes I'm really quite astonished
at how you've managed to not only attract but marry someone as nice as your mrs...
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

knowing the theory is irrelevant
it's the practice that counts. you could describe all the techniques in the world, if you carry them out like a diplodocus, you won't make her come 15 times and then beg to be allowed to suck you off for the next few months. instead you'll get something like this:

"oh please just put it inside me now" (because surely not even you can get that wrong? no? oh, you can? jesus christ man, how can you have got to this age and be so fucking inept, stop butchering my poor fanny, right that's it) shortly followed by "i really want you to come in my mouth" (because that is the only way to stop you torturing me although i tell you what, if you don't stop ramming my head down there, i am going to BITE).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

So you HAVE slept with al!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Shhhhh.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I'm slightly concerned
that you appear to think the above is actually a description of good technique.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

you should see my ex-lovers
then you wouldn't be surprised
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

You are terrifying.

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

i'll only bite if you are truly annoying me

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

This all sounds depressingly familiar
have we slept with some of the same people?
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

sadly i think there's just quite a lot of guys who literally have no idea how to touch a girl!
if they've never had a long term relationship and have only ever watched porn/had flings, i guess nobody's ever told them that the aim is NOT to try and tickle your tonsils whilst fingering.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Ugh.
what a depressing thought.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:19, Reply)

not as depressing as realising that all the build-up from the date/flirting at work/party whatever
has fizzled out into you wincing in agony and trying to pass it off as moans of ecstasy whilst he tries to get his arm in there up to the elbow. and then wonders why he can't get his cock in subsequently, having bruised and terrified you to the point of involuntary clenching...

(i never exaggerate, me)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

Swipe: Oww! I never knew you wore a ring.
Bloke: I don't love, it's my watch you can feel.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

by "bloke"
you meant "jeff", didn't you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

No.
By 'bloke' I meant some poor unfortunate who is planning on being a contestant on The Price Is Right and wants to do some revision, and who knows more about over-priced consumer goods than you?

Come on down.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I'm not sure that this particularly has ever happened to me
partially because I've never really been in that situation, but it really, really irritates me when men don't cut their fingernails, and then look all offended when I tell them to sort their skanky jagged digits out before they bring them near me.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

You sound like a kid listing off pokemon moves.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Gonz
being with a woman is all about ticking off the moves. They grade you on the number of different positions you can fit in before you squirt on their pillow.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

The Karma Sutra is like a Prima Strategy Guide for a Street Fighter game
Down, down-right, right + heavy punch = flawless victory.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

it's like std's
gotta catch em all! well except aids, I hear that's a bit shit.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

EEOW
what's the reverse of a paedo?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

As in you hate kids?
Paedophobe I guess. Or paedophage if you REALLY don't like them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Or REALLY like them

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Paedophobe from friends, as a kid.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

no, i meant a horny kid
vile image
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Applebite?

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Ohhh
You want "Teenager" then.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow
sweaty spotty fetid things
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I agree

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I sometimes cringe
at the way I was when I was a teenager, if there was any chance of seeing some tits when I was on a beach or camping by a river. I thought I was being really subtle but I bet I was just staring open mouthed and desperately trying not to touch myself.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I thank God I was not a teen during these times of prolific mobilephone and Internet usage

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Haha me too
Did you ever invest in mirrored sunglasses?
( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Oh yes
the wraparound ones. Nobody was going to see that whilst I appeared to be staring intently at that rock cliff, or sandcastle, I was actually looking out of the corner of my eye at the middle aged french woman who might or might not be about to take off her bikini top to reveal a pair of saggy tits.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

*firm handshake*

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:49, Reply)