Long thread is long
So we had a big corporate do last night and had Rob Brydon as guest star, he was very funnny.

What nice surprsies have you had recently?

ALT: Tangerines, clementines, satsumas, what's that all about?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:37, 67 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My 15" black rubber cock

Thought I'd save you all the effort
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:38, Reply)

Getting my corporate bonus on Monday
It's not really a surprise, but it's definitely nice. I'll have to piss it up a awall double quick and get back to complaining about how poor I am.
( Kroney, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:39, Reply)

We get ours in may, which is ages away

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:39, Reply)

Bonus? Chance'd be a fine thing

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Bonus is a 4 letter word in here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

"bone us" is probably more fitting
For what we'll receive.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

This^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

I don't think I've had a bonus in any job for years
I did get a payrise once
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

I did, many years ago
Not for the last 3 years though
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

waterstones always used to
say we'd get TRIPLE bonuses in december for all our hard work providing you sell an impossible amount of stuff
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

It makes absolutely no difference in here what you do
No payrise and no bonus
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

I renegotiate my pay every year

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

I've changed jobs a lot,
that's a bit like it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

May seems strange.
I always assumed ours was paid out at this time of year because of the proximity of the end of the financial year.
( Kroney, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

I learned you can't even fucking spell 'surprises'
That was nice.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:39, Reply)

i would be surprised if you weren't an utter bender

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Luckily for you, I'm not
If I was, I'd be redecorating your chutney cupboard in an instant.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:42, Reply)

So not just an utter bender,
but also one who NEVER LEARNED HOW TO USE THE SUBJUNCTIVE?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

Thank you so very much for this

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

You're welcome.
Standards will be maintained whilst I am present.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

Wrists however,
can do what the fuck they want
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

i wish i liked them because they always smell amazing
but the manky stringy bits of white shit put me off.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Same with men lol.

( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Ewwww man!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:58, Reply)

The pith?
Peel it off.
( Kroney, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

are you taking the pith?
there's fucking tonnes of that shite on there.

suggestions like this give me the pip.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

You are without a doubt
the fussiest person I have ever known.
( Kroney, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

which is why we've never had sex

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:50, Reply)

We've never had sex
because you've banned me from ever going somewhere that you might be.

It makes conjugal visits difficult. Although I have many, many virtues, a thirty mile cock isn't one of them.
( Kroney, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

probably a good thing
you'd have passed out before you got it anywhere near up.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

insert generic tampon joke here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

No, you insert them somewhere
Near here
....... |
...... V
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

*makes note*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Thanks to the last thread
I have now got hot dog sausages
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

alt: I can never remember which ones I like best

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Clementines

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

*remembers for next time*

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

That Rob Brydon was nice and/or funny
He always appears to be a cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

His Al Pacino reading the gruffalo is genius

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

The new Gruffalo film was excellent
John Hurt was the owl!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

Here you go
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1096947#answers-post-1096980
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Does not compute

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:52, Reply)

Valentines day was a nice surprise.
Thanks again everyone who sent me stuff.
( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

ooh ooh ooh
my latest delivery of ridiculous hair products just arrived, and the philip b freebie is a load of samples of their russian gold shampoo and conditioner - which retail for £100 and £110 per tube respectively. i've been dying to try them, but even i wouldn't spend £210 on shampoo and conditioner. this is reeeeeeally exciting.

although. i actually hope they are shit. imagine if they leave my hair like purest liquid chestnut silk (instead of rusty pubes) and i can never achieve that again without spunking the money on it. argh argh argh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I assume they're not gift-wrapped this time?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:00, Reply)

hahaha
i forgot about that particularly special episode!!

no, this lot are just in polystyrene.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

Well, quite. Just think how many elaborate salads you could have bought for that amount of money...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

NONE!
BECAUSE THE FUCKING SHOP GOT RE-POSSESSED.

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Oops, sorry. Think I might have touched a nerve there...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

how much better can a shampoo be?
is it really £98.20 better?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

i don't know, i haven't dared to try it!
he does a white truffle oil one which is also stupidly overpriced, about £30 for the shampoo and £50 for the conditioner, and that actually is worth it if you keep it for VERY special occasions.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Any man who can recognise that you've spent £80 on washing your hair is gay. FACT.
Straight men only care that you can get a good handful of hair.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

ah but if i feel my hair looks amazing
i will feel slinky and sexy and flirty. THIS you will notice.

if i feel uncomfortable and unattractive, i will be shy and monosyllabic (occasionally i can be quiet). the shampoo is behind the difference, see?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

'a good handful'
a hair puller then? Or is it just easier to drag women into bushes if they have long enough hair?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

Or a good sniff...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Shut it, you.

(berk, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

I did ok in my essay
Estimated mark at the mo is a mid-2:1, so can't complain. I was worried I'd ballsed it up.

Alt: Clementines are lovely. I'm not keen on ornages. Too big.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Good luck!

( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

Well it's mostly marked, it's not going to change by a grade though
as I'm bang in the centre.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

Oh! then congratulations : )

( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

ooh well done!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

I was praised for my writing style. I feel a little smug.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

*agrees*

( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

I told you they'd be impressed by the inclusion of
"That was Constantine's first mistake,"
and
"Needless to say, Catullus had the last laugh."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

I opened up the essay and one of the first words I saw was "spanned"
I thought "spanner" then giggled to myself.

This one was about the Holy-Joes and Virgil. I got to quote the motherfucking bible.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

Congratulations!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Where as I used to hate Bud Light Lime
I now find I enjoy it, I find it quite tasty.
NICE SURPRISE.

alt: I don't like those.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)