Did I ever tell you about the time
I went to Sainsbury's, right, and I was at the 'self checkout' bit, right, and I scanned a bottle of wine but it didn't scan properly so I GOT THE WINE FOR FREE!!!!!

Then when I looked at the receipt a second time, it turned out I had paid for it after all, I just didn't notice it underneath my 'buy one get one free' 'Be Good To Yourself' yoghurts.

OH MAN, THAT WAS SOME DAY....

Jesus Christ, people. Where did it go SO WRONG?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:52, 114 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Probably around the time you started buying "Be Good To Yourself" yoghurts...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:55, Reply)

Well it was an autumn day in 1988...

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:55, Reply)

In the womb in your case.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:56, Reply)

He keeps a uterus in his suitcase?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:57, Reply)

not the worst thing in there by a long shot.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:58, Reply)

That's the first funny thing I've read on here in SIX MONTHS.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:58, Reply)

have you not considered having a break?
Maybe you should join a club or something?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Perhaps you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:00, Reply)

You fucking (vis)c(o)unt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:02, Reply)

If you'll allow me to make the 3rd pun.
Then we'll have the.... Trio!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:03, Reply)

I think I need to breakaway from this conversation.

(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:03, Reply)

This is a very rocky conversation
I had better not put myself twixt the puns.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:10, Reply)

You never see old people eating Twixs.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:20, Reply)

To be honest, I've never seen an old person trying to eat a live pheasant
I tried not to read too much into it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

I once saw on old person rollerblading
it was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen an old person do.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:30, Reply)

You've not seen lemonparty then, I take it?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:46, Reply)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:03, Reply)

TAXI for Jeff

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:04, Reply)

If it's not a pink wafer I'm not interested.
biscuits are crap.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:03, Reply)

I'm assuming this is a reference to a penis, so I'm going to go ahead and call you GAY.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:05, Reply)

God you're such a bully.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:07, Reply)

nope, they have pink wafer biscuits here which are nice.
But you go ahead and call me a homo, that's fine.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:07, Reply)

you are a homo
a HOMOSAPIEN HAHAHAHA *exits*
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:12, Reply)

I thought he was homo non-eructus...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:13, Reply)

Oh man you are DESTROYING HIM today!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:18, Reply)

this is true
Kristine you are a horrible bully and I'm leaving the internet for good.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:21, Reply)

I smell lies

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:24, Reply)

Maybe a little white one.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:25, Reply)

Enough about your cock, Bobbo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:27, Reply)

Hey there's nothing wrong with a bit of nostalgia...
it's been such a long time.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:30, Reply)

I smell wee-wee.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:27, Reply)

well you are old now so it's understandable if you've had a little accident.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:31, Reply)

when you come over you should give me bullying lessons

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:24, Reply)

And when you come over to England, you can take us all to the Savoy for cocktails.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:27, Reply)

I don't think I'd fit in with my overalls, cowboy boots and hat

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

cover to England? has everyone gone a bit spastic today?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:32, Reply)

Corrected.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:35, Reply)

Di iawn,
housepoint.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

You're already THE MASTER.
I can teach you nothing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:28, Reply)

you're so full of shit your eyes are brown

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:30, Reply)

Hahaha *writes that one down*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:32, Reply)

Whilst I suspect you may be exaggerating ever so slightly
Consider your point taken...the place seems to be going through another malaise. A quick perusal of this afternoon's offerings suggests nobody's feeling particularly inspired today.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:00, Reply)

Monday innit
*shrugs* nobody has to come here.

How's your thesis going mister?
(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:01, Reply)

Admittedly the 'T' word is the reason I've tried to cut down on posting here
And...erm...very slowly. Rather hoping to have "a result" by the end of the month though, so I can tie up the loose ends after that and just ensconce myself in my flat for a month or two to just write. We'll have to see.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:06, Reply)

I had guessed it was the reason for your absence
however slow progress is still progress and that's good, right?
(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:07, Reply)

'tis indeed. At least I hope so.
Think I made a little discovery on Friday so I've spent most of today struggling with the motivation to test it properly. I may just be wandering into another dead end but at least I think this might lead somewhere.

Still, how have your applications been going?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:11, Reply)

Like a big old bag of shit quite frankly
got turned down for two places in the last two days; only application still in is Oxford, and lets face it, I've already fucked that up once, I'm never going to get a second interview.
No PhD for me, it seems.
(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:31, Reply)

Bugger...I'm sorry to hear it.
Well, I hope in spite of your pessimistic assessment that Oxford at least get back to you with another interview...otherwise I hope the backup plan turns up something good come September. (Have you spotted anything more interesting you could drift into?)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:39, Reply)

I'm not really sure at the moment
my current plan seems to be to move to London and bully some unsuspecting PI in to letting me do an MPhil. I like the field I'm in and would prefer to stay in a vaguely related area.
(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:02, Reply)

You won't be able to bully Magnum.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:05, Reply)

It's been shit today

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:02, Reply)

I put it to you
that it's because I've not been on here much.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:02, Reply)

I put it to you
That that wouldn't make a jot of difference.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:03, Reply)

Have you got a st stammer?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:07, Reply)

it's been I'm today
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:02, Reply)

Eh

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:04, Reply)

I was saying you are shit

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:05, Reply)

I understood
Hence no question mark.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:06, Reply)

I blame your constant negativity
and general ethnic minority pandering
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:07, Reply)

You should go into sales
what with all the LEADS you have.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:08, Reply)

?
EDIT: got it, it was shit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:09, Reply)

By 'it' I am assuming you mean 'AIDS'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:12, Reply)

I blame Margret Thatcher and Bert and Bungle

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:08, Reply)

About once every 3 months I miss-scan something intentionally, like some sundried tomartos.
I put it into my bag without scanning, and quickly pay the bill and start to walk out the store, I make sure I don't make any eye contact with the security staff because then they'll know that I'm The Sunblushed Tomarto Theif. I get up the the exit expecting a cage to come out of the ground, alarms to go off and armed police to come around. I'd meakly say "Oh really? Woh', wow, sorry, here you go, £2.39, really sorry, didn't mean it", hoping they don't do a lie detector test on me like they do on Jermey Kyle. I reckon I've stolen a good £20 of goods in my life time, it's such a rush, knowing that I've mis-scanned an item. I go onto forums and talk about how they count stock-loss in their prices, that they expect it. How it's really their own fault for putting in the self checkout tills, reducing in wages and all that.

Also, strangly, every 10 times or soo I go ASDA, someone sees me smelling and squeezing fruit and veg and herbs and asks me for advice, so I taste a leef of the herb, even though I know what all the main ones taste and smell like, so I look more knowledgable, and then give them some random thing I saw James Martin do on a saturday.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:09, Reply)

I asked an Asda monky if they had any frech mint

He took me to the mince
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:10, Reply)

Is chorizo an obscure ingredient? Because I once had to explain to him that it was a saussage...."No, no, no, it's cured, should be where the Ham and Salamis are".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:12, Reply)

depends how you pronounce it, I suspect.
that tends to confuse the shelf monkeys a bit.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Oh god, this
I ordered a chicken and chorizo wrap in a bar the other day. I repeated it four times, the till monkey looking ever blanker, before one neuron fizzled fitfully in to life and she said 'oh - do you mean chore-it-zo?'
No, bintfeatures, I mean koritho. I have been to Spain and that is how they say it there, ergo that is how it is pronounced. What made me furious is that she said it like I was being the retard.
(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:34, Reply)

You know what?
I've been to Germany and they pronounce it 'Deutschland'. And yet plebs over here still insist on pronouncing it the wrong way.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:37, Reply)

yeah, but that would be a different word. I think that's where they are going wrong.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:42, Reply)

Okay.
I refer you to the French pronunciation 'Pareeeeee' as opposed to our pronunciation of 'Parissss'.

If you tried the French pronunciation here, even though it is how they say it themselves, you will come across as either a total bender or a raging croissant-muncher.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:55, Reply)

Or both.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:59, Reply)

I fear that will learn you
to order anything in a Wetherspoons apart from a taxi to get the fuck out of there.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:44, Reply)

On the telly they prounce it Chore-eet-zo, appart from Jamie Oliver, who pronounces it exactly the same way but with a huge lysp.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:47, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHDsB6HOFDc&feature=player_detailpage#t=47s
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:49, Reply)

I'm pretty sure in the dim and distant past
I was told that ch is a hard c in Spanish which would make Berk right.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:51, Reply)

He prounces it sore-reet-zo
What I mean though, the objective of saying "Please may I have a chicken and chorizo wrap" would be to get a wrap containing chorizo and chicken off the menu. The completion of this objective is what you want to happen. By pronouncing it, rightly or wrongly, the spanish way, she failed in her primary objective. Therefore, did not set out to get what she wanted to achieve in an optimum way.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:59, Reply)

It's how they pronounced it
in southern Spain, when I visited. I am happy to be told I'm wrong if that someone can prove they are more right than a genuine Spanish person.
(berk, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:04, Reply)

It's pronounced Cho-ritso
Even by those lispy Catalunians.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:54, Reply)

There are loads of different Spanish accents in the different regions so maybe you know some who say 'core' for the first syllable.
But in Castillian Spanish, the DO have a letter 'ch' and the pronounce it the same way as we do.
They say "choreetho".
I'm with you on the 'ritz' being wrongish (but not in Southern Spain), but not on the pronouncing 'ch' as 'k'.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:22, Reply)

He probably thought you were foreign because of your broken English.
* I asked an Asda monky if they had any frech mint*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:12, Reply)

Did he say
'they're over there by the FUCKING DICTIONARIES, YOU ILLITERATE SPASTIC'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:21, Reply)

did you want "fresh" or "french" mint, though?
that might be where he was struggling.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

You've got this all wrong, 'mince' is a local gay night club.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

I thought it was DF's natural gait

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:39, Reply)

This reminds me that I need to go to Asda, it's so fucking shit there I should really find the alternative homebrand product somewhere else

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:13, Reply)

it can occasionally be worth going to ASDA
Not always, but occasionally.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:15, Reply)

It's usually good for spotting lurch type characters, but I swiftly tire of their mongstaring ways when they block up the isles the fuckers

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:18, Reply)

I just took mr b3th to The Range
and we found some storage boxes on 3 for 2, which scanned at full price. We had two customer service assistants and a department manager pinned before they conceded and let him have them at the offer price.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:12, Reply)

This is DYNAMITE STUFF.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:19, Reply)

It's been one of those outstanding internet days
I knew there was a reason why I'd returned from internet exile
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:21, Reply)

I no rite?
It's all go round our gaff.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:31, Reply)

Fuck you and goodnight

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:21, Reply)

What we need is some amusing new characters.
Happybara was superb - I think we need more from him.

Come on, lurkers, grow a pair and post something about your missus' arsehole.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:26, Reply)

This can only end well.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:27, Reply)

>shhhhhh you'll put them off<
Here, lurky lurkies, here boy....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

lure them out with chocolate.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:30, Reply)

CLICK >HERE< TO SEE CAROL VORDERMAN'S FANNY

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:31, Reply)

FREE PRATCHETT DOWNLOADS >HERE<

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:36, Reply)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:40, Reply)

Isn't that tapeworms?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:34, Reply)

Hey we don't call him that to his face.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:36, Reply)

oh, cool.
What do we call him then? Just so I get it right.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

'Coolguy'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:39, Reply)

Emerson Stranglewank III

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:52, Reply)

I'm pretty sure that's milk

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:42, Reply)

Things must be bad if you're making a DJ style 'shout-out' to all the lurkers out there.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:28, Reply)

Has Off Topic finally went into meltdown?
Collapsing under the weight of navel gazing lunch and weekend threads.

Then there are the threads that begin by commenting on the thread below, the less said about them the better.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:31, Reply)

I HAVE RICE FOR TEA!!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:36, Reply)

I broke a hacksaw blade
cutting a soft wood curtain pole up. I then realised that I'd been using a coping saw and not a hacksaw.

Oh the humanity.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 17:59, Reply)

I must say
you're 'coping' very well, considering!!!!!!!!!!!

It's no doubt a bit of a 'saw' point!!!!11!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:03, Reply)

Hacking through the day, although
if one more thing goes wrong it's curtains for me.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:05, Reply)

you might even go drapeshit
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:08, Reply)

HELLO DARLING LOVE YOU

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 18:05, Reply)