Sorry to interrupt
I've just done something incredibly stupid. Knowing nothing of the previous form of the protagonist, I ventured forth into a realm of incompetence hitherto unencountered by myself. And I support Nottingham Forest.

I can only imagine that stand-up comedy is a very difficult thing to do, and must be fucking terrifying, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE MAN MAKES MICHAEL MCINTYRE LOOK LIKE RICHARD PRYOR!!!

Note to self; Wookiee is always right.

What do you think you'd be bad - but not THAT bad - at?

Alt: Anything. I don't care. Just talk me back from the brink.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:26, 98 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

you threadstomped me you cocksucker.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:28, Reply)

Nobody will reply to me anyway
Except you. Cos you're FABulous. How are you keeping these days?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:31, Reply)

meh
same old same old. Which is mind numbing banal drudgery of course.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:34, Reply)

Excellent work
You live in Manchester, right? Where's good? Got a wedding up there next month. Fancy a pint?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:37, Reply)

I like the Northern Quarter because I'm old
Apple likes 5th ave because she's 13. I'll gaz you my number, just don't send me inappropriate messages like some big furry.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:38, Reply)

I make no promises I can't be sure of keeping
I plan to spend a lot of tomorrow drunk, for example
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:39, Reply)

You'll love canal street

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:42, Reply)

3/10
Unimaginative and dull. Even by your standards
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Repetative strikethrough time
c s
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:09, Reply)

anal treet?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:11, Reply)

It was some genuine advice Darth
You'll pick up a couple of queers in no time at all who'll enjoy fisting you all night long
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:16, Reply)

3/10 is my highest score yet
BACK OF THE NET!
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:16, Reply)

My apologies Rory
As it came from your good self, I automatically assumed that rather than genuine advice, it was trolling. How very remiss of me.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:18, Reply)

What the devil are you mincing about now?

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:31, Reply)

good, I thought since I was just hungover I couldn't understand what he was talking about

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:32, Reply)

No, I can't work out what the fuck that tart is banging on about eaither.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:39, Reply)

So strikethroughs don't work on headers, eh?
I made the mistake, earlier, of asking who this Jim Bob fellow people were discussing was
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:32, Reply)

I'm going to overlook your failure to notice that the subject lines don't parse html
I am, however, going to request that you never, ever attempt to pass off "dissing" as a word in my presence again.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Sorry homeboy
I assumed, not unreasonably I think, that you are, like me, gangsta 4 life
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Oh christ on a bike,
this is a short step from addressing me as "bruv," or worse, "blud," and then I'm afraid I shall have to stab you in the eye.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Erm...
*consults street dictionary*

Whatevs G. You knows I is always down.

(was that any good?)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:43, Reply)

*sharpens plastic fork*

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:44, Reply)

I is from Notts innit
*produces small arsenal*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:48, Reply)

You really do walk into these things, don't you?
smallgaping
nalhole
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:52, Reply)

I'm pleased to say I've never walked into such a thing
7/10 for your efforts
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:55, Reply)

Alright, boyo?
Well there's lovely.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:38, Reply)

'afternoon.
...and since when were you a taff?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:39, Reply)

I bloody loves it, I do.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:40, Reply)

Do you like blinking?
I love blinking.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:43, Reply)

As an actual half-Taff,
I would thank you not to remind me or the rest of the world of that vacuous harridan's existence.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Had to be done, sorry.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:28, Reply)

No it didn't
And no you're not.

I'm like human veritaserum, me.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:29, Reply)

i almost accosted a bear last night
i'm well fucking brave when i'm drunk
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:31, Reply)

An actual bear or a large gay gentleman?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:33, Reply)

an actual bear

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:34, Reply)

Get a lot of those wandering around Virginia?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:38, Reply)

I fucking love Virginia.
I wish I was there now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:48, Reply)

sometimes, it's mostly because people leave their trash out at night and so he wanders around digging through it
he was in the neighbors yard and it started snowing so we couldn't get a good picture of him
he went to the next house up the road and the roommates were all "stupid bear I want a picture of you" and my drunk self was all "YOU WANT ME TO CHASE IT OVER HERE CAUSE I FUCKING WILL" and going "BEAR! COME BACK!" and started walking down the drive, and they didn't like that so I came back
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:57, Reply)

My old schoolchum Paul McCaffrey is a standup comedian
and another of my friends Andy Zaltzman is quite successful at comedy too - I think he's on Radio 4.

From experience I tend not be THAT bad at anything - sadly not THAT good either.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Fuck me, you know Andy Zaltzman?
I fucking love him. Mostly for his undying love of cricket and unnerring ability to make me laugh by talking about it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:35, Reply)

He wanted to be a cricket journalist.
Great chap he is. Used to work with an ex of mine.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Next time you see him,
please tell him one of your internet weirdo acquaintances is a huge fan
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:38, Reply)

I shall.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:41, Reply)

I have this problem
I tend to be not too bad at things, but lack the dedication to become very good at anything.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:36, Reply)

my new drums

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:33, Reply)

They were only £4.49?
Bargain.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:34, Reply)

Just got my student grant all in one lump due to cock ups so I thought fuck it.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:37, Reply)

You're only cheating yourself when you have to pay it back for the next million years

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:42, Reply)

Grants are free. Loans you have to pay back.
I am a mature student so get shit loads from the government.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Nice looking kit*


*I know nothing about drums, though
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:35, Reply)

I've always wanted a Ludwig but never been in my price range. At 450 I had to have them.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Keith Moon's 'Lily' drumkit
is the nicest I've ever seen - apart from maybe Buddy Miles':



Fucking great record too.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Moons is nice, can't think of the Miles one so will google.
There are so many decent styles out there now and custom finishers too.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:57, Reply)

No need ^

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:58, Reply)

I love the old slender hardware, finished well it looks ace.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:00, Reply)

students have too much money lols
/daily mail blog
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Ha I was just about to write that but was worried I would start a war
and Bella would come and shout at me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:42, Reply)

Oh man, can you do that rimshot thing that they do on the telly show when someone tells a joke? I think it's called a rimshot.
Are you in a music band? I was going to join VIPROS's one but we came to a fork in the road when I wanted to do that Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance) song by this band called Greenday, but they wanted to finish off with that Mecheal Branch song "Everywhere". I tried to compromise with Closing Time by Semisonic, as that is a great endding song to a set, but they wern't having any of it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:38, Reply)

instantrimshot.com/
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:44, Reply)

nice dude

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Cheers, I am forcing my own hand in having to get rid of at least one of my other ones now.
You don't want a vintage premier kit do you? mates rates?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:52, Reply)

how much are you talking?
I could suggest it to the band if it's within reason
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:58, Reply)

60 quid for one, 75 for the other. I'l whack em on ebay this weekend anyway but if you
fancy either let me know. I'll send some pics later.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:01, Reply)

definitely send me some pics at those prices
and a brief list of what's included.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:21, Reply)

My mate was hit on the head by a drum dropped from a window.
He woke up with slight percussion.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:49, Reply)

I can't believe you're beating me in a threadwar.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED, WHAT DO I DO?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:41, Reply)

I would commit suicide
by cum-sumption.

It's what Darth would do in your situation.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:45, Reply)

I threw a load of mayonnaise away last night
it looked like someone had bukkaked the bin.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:46, Reply)

*joke about your vagina being a bin*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Don't be silly
no-one would ever use a plastic liner in Kitty.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:49, Reply)

They would if they knew how diseased I was.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:50, Reply)

dis +y ed
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:51, Reply)

that took me such a long time
Easy and stupid, the best combination.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:55, Reply)

that's why I love you

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:58, Reply)

cum-dumpsterlolz

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:49, Reply)

thanks dear
If you're going to burn me, do it in my thread.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:50, Reply)

I am also in unfamiliar territory here
I believe each of us has to designate a B3tan of choice to act as a second should things turn to physical combat. I would choose Bobby as I believe he could punch his way through a small domestic residence if suitably drunk, but he's quite honourable and I need someone who'll hit girls. Monty, you're up.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:47, Reply)

just so you know
I'd hit that. In both senses.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Monty, you're out
Vippers is equally tall and less decrepid
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:49, Reply)

AND he can spell 'decrepit'.
He could be handy for you to have around.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:52, Reply)

*cracks knuckles*

EDIT Oh man I'm psyched up now and everything.

*punches boss's wife*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Have you seen this yet?
www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3502998/Hitler-House-survived-as-blitz-hit-docks-yards-away.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News
(PsychoChomp, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Oh for Christ's sake.
The epitome of a 'slow news day'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:01, Reply)

So you were looking for a woman to punch...
...and couldn't think of a more suitable candidate?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:54, Reply)

I've got Chompy.
HADOUKEN!!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:51, Reply)

If she has Chompy I am demanding my place in the ring and will
fight Vippers and Monty to get it.

*rips off shirt and downs Stella*

And Stella is not the name of Montys' boss' wife.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Is Chompy nails then?
*stifles laughter*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:53, Reply)

I'm trying to steal people from this thread by talking about lesbianism and breasts in mine

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Breasts you say?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:50, Reply)

I just wanted to tell you
I very much enjoyed your Eddie Stobart gag earlier. Well done.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:08, Reply)

Oh, cheers =D
You're not the only one by the looks of it, woo.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:31, Reply)

It was tremendous

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Moar detail needed methinks

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Right I have to go back to work dammit
so I shall concede that you are the winner.

But I'll be back!!! And when I am I shall bring an entire arsenal of breasts.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:01, Reply)

I must threadstomp you more often
I had no idea that such rewards were involved in doing so
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:05, Reply)

nothing to interest you
breasts are usually attached to women. Except in Al's case, obviously.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Difficult to mark, this one
For the whole post, 7/10. The gay jibe itself is only worth 5 though.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Most things
I am good with computers, food and beer but thats about it
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 14:30, Reply)