I did something unbelievably retarded this morning
While in the shower, my razor fell off the wall and broke into its constituent parts. I kicked the bits up the other end of the shower so they would be out of the water, completely forgetting that one of the constituent parts of a razor is a fucking sharp blade.

I managed to slice a big chunk off the bottom of one of my toes, and every time I take a step, it stings like buggery and starts bleeding again.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am a total mong.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:15, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Nice, closely shaven toes though

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:17, Reply)

*belms*
someone tie me to a tree
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Razors do seem to bring out the stupidity in people
I was shaving a while back, and as I was in a hurry, decided it would take too long to take the razor off my face and place it down again over the next bit of (frankly pathetic) moustache hair, so I moved it sideways across my face...

That fucking hurt.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:20, Reply)

I bet it made you look hard, though.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Nope, I just had a cut of about an inch across my top lip, made me look a twat.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Business as usual then

(NakedApe My dad still touches me up, I quite enjoy it, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Yep, but I looked less stupid than if I hadn't shaved at all.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Ouch
I'm glad I never go near razors. I'm too clumsy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Hairy fanny Hairy fanny

(NakedApe My dad still touches me up, I quite enjoy it, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:27, Reply)

Told you
Bert
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:29, Reply)

He must be, clearly

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)

Yep, definitely.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:34, Reply)

And you're a bit stupid
as you don't know of any other ways of getting rid of hair but using razors.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)

A lighter?
Singed pubes are only attractive in Spain
(NakedApe My dad still touches me up, I quite enjoy it, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:33, Reply)

Epilating?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:34, Reply)

^This
Also Immac, as long as you're careful
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:39, Reply)

Or wax

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:43, Reply)

That fucking hurts, I know that one.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:54, Reply)

I know
But they grow weaker everytime, so it hurts less and less. And it itches less when they're growing back.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I was convinced to use that by an ex, was entertaining for a day, then they started to grow back
Not. Fun.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:55, Reply)

You'd have to be pretty fucking special to epilate your minge.
There's no way any person or machine is going anywhere near plucking pubes from my nutsack.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:41, Reply)

I haven't done it
but I heard it hurts. But the epilady type machines come with a "safe-razor" thingy, so you can shave without cutting yourself.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:44, Reply)

You have no fucking idea
I'd rather pluck 'em out one by one using only rusty teaspoons than try an epilator again.
(berk, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Really?
I use it when I have no time for the wax, and it doesn't hurt that much. With the razor thingy, not with the epilator thingy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 9 May 2011, 15:33, Reply)

generally speaking, I'm not usually allowed to handle sharp things
on account of being such a spaz.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Fucking hell that sounds nasty
You have my sympathy, LOIN. Just for you, I won't flirt with you all day.

ALL. DAY.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)

thanks for that.
Will you also ignore me blatantly every time i try to fb chat with you?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Excuse me?
When have I done that?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:37, Reply)

the last three times I've tried to talk to you.
I feel unloved.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:39, Reply)

Shit, I'm sorry honey
I only ever use FB on my phone and it doesn't send me updates when someone tries to chat with me - I probably didn't even realise I was online.

*attempts to make amends*

You're not even online for my grovelling apology!*

*fanfic
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:41, Reply)

The more you post about your pointless life, the more I wish you were dead

(NakedApe My dad still touches me up, I quite enjoy it, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Altogether now...
FUCK OFF BERT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:44, Reply)

If you're calling on the support of the gay boring clique I'm pretty sure that you're the only member

(NakedApe My dad still touches me up, I quite enjoy it, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:46, Reply)

Maybe so
But my clique is more socially acceptable than the painfully deluded sister-molesting cuntwipe clique
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:48, Reply)

I must have missed the denouement
where this NakedApe was revealed as the imposter. How did we get to this conclusion?
( Kroney, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:50, Reply)

We didn't per se
But who else is it going to be?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:53, Reply)

i too can smell bert
bert bert bert.

i think the whole of b3ta is 10 users and 89990 bert accounts.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:57, Reply)

This is too entertaining a prospect for me to let it lie
Who are the ten original accounts then? This is like BSG. Be warned; whoever you accuse of creating me as a proxy account is going to rip your head off and shit down your neck
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:04, Reply)

I'm not Bert
And nor's my wife.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Hahaha
Alright mate, seems like ages. How've you been?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:08, Reply)

Alright thanks, and you?
Not been on here much.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Good cheers, but for football reasons which I won't bore you with
So you've either landed Rotersand tickets or are just listening to them a lot?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Just listened to that song quite loud
Only popped on here briefly to see what this NakedApe nonce-sense is all about.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:14, Reply)

It's unclear as yet
The smart money is still on NakedApe being Bert, but how come the original gave up his nick is unclear. What we need is some kind of forensic detective
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Preferably a forensic detective with time on his hands
Unlike this one :/
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Now, now, Labs, priorities
Those criminals can wait. This is BERT.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:20, Reply)

That bit is easy, i was drunk and chatting to Crunchy
who has been promoted from professor to princess, so I promoted myself to professor.

What's odd is that all other varients of this nick with capitals are taken...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

So the new NakedApe is someone who lurks and waits for an opportunity to hide in plain sight
BERT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:26, Reply)

who cares?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Well, I do.
Derp.
( Kroney, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:54, Reply)

To clarify:
professor nakedape is the same guy who gazzed me a couple of weeks back, so unless someone has nicked his login, that's the real NakedApe. Why he allowed someone to nick his name and who that someone is are less clear.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:58, Reply)

That's good to know treacle, why are you telling me?

(NakedApe My dad still touches me up, I quite enjoy it, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:51, Reply)