Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
« Go Back | Popular
Hey OttersHow's tricks?
Here's something the lolfatties will love, I've managed to make a chocolate cupcake case, so now instead of having to waste precious seconds and energy peeling off a paper case you can just stuff the whole lot in your mouth.
However, the case I made of chocolate looked so much like the case I had used as the template that I accidentally threw it into a bowl of hot washing up water.
Tell me of your acts of utter retardation that have astounded even you. Retardation is totally a word, shut up.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:47,
230 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Maybe I should have written an article about it and then linked it(
Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:50,
Reply)
Haha!I actually lolled at this
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:58,
Reply)
if you really loved me, you'd swallow my quizquiz on my face
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:02,
Reply)
I do hope these aren't team names(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:03,
Reply)
I went round to Sooty's house for a barbecue when the grand national was on.I had a sweep-steak.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:01,
Reply)
Have you got some kind of shit joke Google search or something?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:02,
Reply)
Kurt Cobain's Colourful CarpetOr, if you stand a chance of having your name called out - Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:10,
Reply)
Apparently Simon Pegg and Nick Frost used to compete at their local under QWA - Quizzas Wiv AttitudeThis is before their local was in Hollywood, obv
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:28, Reply)
Wow, how funny!!! I don't hate them at all, now.(!)
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:34,
Reply)
Oh, you were lurkingIf I'd known that, I wouldn't have brought it up*
Now we can find out whether the new NakedApe is Bert - as Rory pointed out earlier, if he is, he should be abusing Monty in 3...2...
*This is bollocks
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:36, Reply)
Will people not just try and take off the case anyway?I fucked up royally by loading 1/4 of the info back into a live database (instead of all of it)
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:51,
Reply)
tut, schoolboy error. Probably.Well I'll be marketing them as edible cased cupcakes. I might put them on thisiswhyyourefat.com
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:52,
Reply)
It was a schoolboy error on my part, yes(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:53,
Reply)
Having started a thread I have to go back to work shortlyChompy, the stage is yours.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 May 2011, 13:55,
Reply)
I did something unbelievably retarded this morningWhile in the shower, my razor fell off the wall and broke into its constituent parts. I kicked the bits up the other end of the shower so they would be out of the water, completely forgetting that one of the constituent parts of a razor is a fucking sharp blade.
I managed to slice a big chunk off the bottom of one of my toes, and every time I take a step, it stings like buggery and starts bleeding again.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am a total mong.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:15,
Reply)
Nice, closely shaven toes though(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:17,
Reply)
Razors do seem to bring out the stupidity in peopleI was shaving a while back, and as I was in a hurry, decided it would take too long to take the razor off my face and place it down again over the next bit of (frankly pathetic) moustache hair, so I moved it sideways across my face...
That fucking hurt.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:20,
Reply)
Nope, I just had a cut of about an inch across my top lip, made me look a twat.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:23,
Reply)
Yep, but I looked less stupid than if I hadn't shaved at all.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:26,
Reply)
And you're a bit stupidas you don't know of any other ways of getting rid of hair but using razors.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)
I knowBut they grow weaker everytime, so it hurts less and less. And it itches less when they're growing back.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:56, Reply)
I was convinced to use that by an ex, was entertaining for a day, then they started to grow backNot. Fun.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:55,
Reply)
You'd have to be pretty fucking special to epilate your minge.There's no way any person or machine is going anywhere near plucking pubes from my nutsack.
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:41,
Reply)
I haven't done itbut I heard it hurts. But the epilady type machines come with a "safe-razor" thingy, so you can shave without cutting yourself.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:44, Reply)
You have no fucking ideaI'd rather pluck 'em out one by one using only rusty teaspoons than try an epilator again.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:07, Reply)
Really?I use it when I have no time for the wax, and it doesn't hurt that much. With the razor thingy, not with the epilator thingy.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:33, Reply)
generally speaking, I'm not usually allowed to handle sharp thingson account of being such a spaz.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:40,
Reply)
Fucking hell that sounds nastyYou have my sympathy, LOIN. Just for you, I won't flirt with you all day.
ALL. DAY.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)
thanks for that.Will you also ignore me blatantly every time i try to fb chat with you?
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:35,
Reply)
the last three times I've tried to talk to you.I feel unloved.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:39,
Reply)
Shit, I'm sorry honeyI only ever use FB on my phone and it doesn't send me updates when someone tries to chat with me - I probably didn't even realise I was online.
*attempts to make amends*
You're not even online for my grovelling apology!*
*fanfic
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:41, Reply)
The more you post about your pointless life, the more I wish you were dead(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:43, Reply)
If you're calling on the support of the gay boring clique I'm pretty sure that you're the only member(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:46, Reply)
Maybe soBut my clique is more socially acceptable than the painfully deluded sister-molesting cuntwipe clique
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:48, Reply)
I must have missed the denouementwhere this NakedApe was revealed as the imposter. How did we get to this conclusion?
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Kroney, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:50,
Reply)
i too can smell bertbert bert bert.
i think the whole of b3ta is 10 users and 89990 bert accounts.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:57,
Reply)
This is too entertaining a prospect for me to let it lieWho are the ten original accounts then? This is like BSG. Be warned; whoever you accuse of creating me as a proxy account is going to rip your head off and shit down your neck
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:04, Reply)
I'm not BertAnd nor's my wife.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:07,
Reply)
Alright thanks, and you?Not been on here much.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:09,
Reply)
Good cheers, but for football reasons which I won't bore you withSo you've either landed Rotersand tickets or are just listening to them a lot?
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:11, Reply)
Just listened to that song quite loudOnly popped on here briefly to see what this NakedApe nonce-sense is all about.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:14,
Reply)
It's unclear as yetThe smart money is still on NakedApe being Bert, but how come the original gave up his nick is unclear. What we need is some kind of forensic detective
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)
Preferably a forensic detective with time on his handsUnlike this one :/
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:18,
Reply)
That bit is easy, i was drunk and chatting to Crunchywho has been promoted from professor to princess, so I promoted myself to professor.
What's odd is that all other varients of this nick with capitals are taken...
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:22,
Reply)
So the new NakedApe is someone who lurks and waits for an opportunity to hide in plain sightBERT
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:26, Reply)
To clarify: professor nakedape is the same guy who gazzed me a couple of weeks back, so unless someone has nicked his login, that's the real NakedApe. Why he allowed someone to nick his name and who that someone is are less clear.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:58, Reply)
I was stupid enoughto come to work today, when I should have stayed at home, clearly, as I'm not well yet.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:25, Reply)
are you sickly?i just don't feel like doing ANY work today
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:30,
Reply)
What do you do, Kristine?I just realised I actually have no idea.
In other news; hello, how are you?
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)
Office manager type thing.I've lost weight. From last wednesday till today.
Because I can't eat with my braces. Last night we had dinner for Mother's day, and I had to put my chicken in the food processor, and then I still couldn't eat it, my teeth hurt so bad.
How are you?
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:35,
Reply)
Shit, that's horribleNot the weight loss thing, good for you, but I hope you sort the braces out soon, that must suck something awful.
I'm good thank you, no-one's called me gay in about ten minutes!
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:38, Reply)
Yeah, it's not a mega difference, but I can tell by the way my pants fit.Not much can be sorted unfortunately, I guess it's just going to have to hurt. And I'll likely have to eat everything pureed.
Hurrah for not being called gay!
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:41,
Reply)
yeah, eating mashed potatoes for every meal isn't very smartmostly, it's meat that gives me trouble, I'm going to have to eat roast veg for_fucking_ever
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:48,
Reply)
It won't lastGood on you for just getting on with it honey, that would have driven me totally mental by now
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:45, Reply)
You get used to it,trust me I had them for a couple of years, the pain subsides after a few weeks and you learn to chew your food without hitting them.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:05, Reply)
Yes, I amand I don't feel like working either. But I'm going home in 2h, I can't be here any longer.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:32, Reply)
Last week I had a full glass of tea but I really wanted water, and I didn't want to waste the teaso I poured the tea into a different glass so I could have water
/moron
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:30,
Reply)
That is quite special.(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:34,
Reply)
Haha!I like this. I bet it made perfect sense at the time too
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:43,
Reply)
HahahaIt took me a while to understand why it was a moron's thing to do.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:45, Reply)
In other newsI just found out today tha my doctor, who I consider to be a very intelligent and highly-educated man, was standing in the council elections on behalf of UKIP.
Now I have to find a new doctor.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 9 May 2011, 14:54,
Reply)
His political party of choice isn't a sign of medical incompitance.
Stop being intolerant.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:57, Reply)
Yeah they areThey'd catapult her back over Hadrian's Wall in a heartbeat
I never normally do this, but as it's you...
It's funny because B3th's not really an immigrant, she's from Falkirk, and this is a clearer example of why my original argument was bollocks than is the UKIP manifesto
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:09, Reply)
Is that an accepted reason to change doctor?Can I choose a dentist that is near my work, rather than near my home? None of the dentists around my home accept new patients.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:57, Reply)
You can choose a dentist or Dr where ever you wantbut they will prioritise people who live locally.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:00, Reply)
I tried to get a Doctor in Londonand in Redhill, and was told I wasn't part of their area and couldn't register with them. And that I needed prove of residence to register.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:01, Reply)
If they haven't got enough spaces for residents they'll block you from registeringbut it's nothing the NHS do overall, it's up to individual GP practices.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:03, Reply)
I seeit's very confussing. I'd rather have the doctor near work, as it's a lot easier. OK, I'll start calling the London dental practices and see if they're happy with me registering with them. Thanks, it's good to have you here to help.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:04, Reply)
Well, that's doneBooked an appointment with a dentist near the office. That was easy. Had I known before...
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Congratulations on the most retarded b3ta posting of the 9th May 2011(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:01, Reply)
She's made a statement in all seriousness that she intends to leave the practice of her GP who is a "very intelligent and highly-educated man" as she disagrees with his mainstream political leaningsIt's not like he's a neo nazi is it? I believe she's after b3ta support in this. That's retarded. Is she now going to canvas her local surgeries in order to find a GP who is her political compatible? Sounds like someone with far too little to do and far too much time on their hands.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:18, Reply)
She seems to enjoy updating us with every dull incidental happening of her life(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:27, Reply)
And she's not the only one.I farted half an hour ago and I can still smell it.
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girlinthehole, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:28,
Reply)
You get a click for that*applauds*
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:29,
Reply)
That's what B3ta is forThe difference is, people like her. Regardless of who you are, if you have nothing to contribute but trolling please piss off to /Talk
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:28, Reply)
Tadawww.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1194298
You need to drop an e as well
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)
You are under the assumption that I agree with Darth.Edit - I haven't dropped an E in years.
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girlinthehole, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:38,
Reply)
B3ta is here for us to discuss mundane aspects of our lives in search of entertainment in the otherwise dullNot for you to lay into people who actually have something to say for themselves
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:32, Reply)
So we should congratulate and support her in wasting the time and resources of the nhs and go hahahaha at the same timeNo wonder you're seen as a dull cunt
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:36, Reply)
Why changing your doctor is wasting time and resurces of the nhsIf you don't feel confident or good with your doctor, you should change. What if he's a very clever, competent man, but a registered peado?
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:42, Reply)
but she had no complaintsabout his competence or his intelligence, before she found out his political affiliation.
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:46,
Reply)
And nowshe doesn't feel confortable with him, I don't think that's so wrong. A collegue of mine runs for the UKIP too. Knowing that he'd be happier if I had to get a VISA to work here doesn't make me comfortable working with him. He's a nice guy (a bit of a twat, politics aside), but I don't like knowing that he doesn't want me here.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)
Congratulations on the second most retarded b3ta posting of the 9th May 2011(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:47, Reply)
this game could go on a really long timeif you are going to point out every single post that you consider to be retarded...
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:51,
Reply)
If that's all you can do to reply to meI think your post is the winner in the retarded b3ta posting of the day competition. In fact, you probably won the monthly award too.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)
I like youAnd I don't know, for me Gaylord sounds like a good thing. The Lord of Happines. If you can't be a Time Lord, a Happiness Lord is a good close second.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)
I like you tooThis is a gloriously positive way of looking at things x
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:41, Reply)
It's what the word gaylord tells me when I listen to itmust be my lack of contact with slang :)
x
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:43, Reply)
*skips through flowers clapping hands and singing*(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:45,
Reply)
With a unicorn trotting over itand the Unicorn is wearing a ballroom dancing outfit and is being ridden by Tom Cruise in a tutu
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:51,
Reply)
John Barrowman then.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:56,
Reply)
Don't even know who he isI'm more a Brad Pit girl, but in this wonderful land, everyone sees whoever they prefer riding the unicorn.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:00, Reply)
Two of the pictures on my profile have drawn comparisons with Tom Cruise and John BarrowmanI have absolutely no idea why.
And Aber, you do know John Barrowman - he's Captain Jack Harkness
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:01, Reply)
OMG I've just look at your profile, you're some gay downs creature, please don't breed(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:04, Reply)
Ah, look at himOf course I know him. He's sexy too. Pity he's gay.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:05, Reply)
That's well-reasoned and contains long wordsI'm not sure it is Bert, guys
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:24, Reply)
B3th is nonetheless entitled to her political beliefs and all they entail, howeverDon't call her a retard. I've only just noticed that. It is Bert.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)
Yeah bert give me my name back you sister shagging shonkey shit(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:42,
Reply)
You are giving me a bad name, coming on here being all rude and unfunnyI was never rude
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:40,
Reply)
he's not been banned yetthis makes me suspect maybe it isn't bert. maybe.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:43,
Reply)
Then WHO is it? If I ever get my name back I suspect it will feel all dirtymaybe it's time for an entirely new name...
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:44,
Reply)
If it's not Bert, it's someone who's prepared to keep letting us call him BertNot even my self-esteem is that low
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:51, Reply)
It's not Bert.He hasn't called me a lonely dried up prune yet.
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girlinthehole, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:52,
Reply)
or listed monty's movements for the last 24 hours!(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:53,
Reply)
You are clearly not meOne look at your profile shows this
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:57,
Reply)
I think it is BertWhat with all the sister-raping and being a total cunt we lost sight of the fact that Bert was reasonably intelligent. I think he's trying a new tactic called "not blowing his cover within 5 minutes"
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:58, Reply)
You think having another mans penis in your anus is a good way to spend a Saturday night(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:01, Reply)
i'm convincedabout the bert thing, not about the anal sex thing.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:03,
Reply)
Go flash your tits at the mods and get him bannedHe's annoying me now
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:04, Reply)
flash my tits?why would i want to make them run away screaming?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:05,
Reply)
Oh god, are you Bert now too?Is this some kind of Invasion of the B3ta Snatchers scenario?
Hehe... "snatch"
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:06, Reply)
So you're one of the soft wankers who goes crying to the mods wah wah wah Get a backbone or fuck off
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:05, Reply)
You're such a crying wanker, no wonder cr3 thinks you're all irritating gimps(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:09, Reply)
So why are you NakedApe now?What has he done to deserve such terrible shame by proxy?
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:11, Reply)
The gay kid of the class has gone off running to tell teacher that somebody doesn't want to play nicelywah wah wah
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:21, Reply)
For many people it isYou prefer to wet your whistle in your sister though so...that's...much better
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:03,
Reply)
Less embarrassing than Christmas at your house(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:08,
Reply)
Nope, I can't help it if your are less educated than me(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:11,
Reply)
Nah, Adam was too vainglorious to just turn up and trollHe'd let us know who he was
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:14, Reply)
I really liked Kilroy before he turned political.I really think Jermey Kyle would be great in politics under an advisory capacity.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:07,
Reply)
If I may make a small amendment or twoI'm thinking Pestilence
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:10, Reply)
politics the Apocalypse
advisory Horseman
I'm thinking Pestilence
am Martin, 32 years old, telecomunication analyist, DARTFORD.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:36,
Reply)
There's a dreadful joke I've been meaning to bring out the next time someone did this But not sure it's the time or the place.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:18,
Reply)
If you've got a dreadful joke, I want to hear it.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:19,
Reply)
Along the lines of"Darth's 32? I could have sworn he was only 17..."
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:24,
Reply)
-narrows eyes-Did you get the joke, though?
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:26,
Reply)
I assume it's something to do with me being phenomenally immatureEither that or it's too subtle for my pathetic male brain. I actually don't mean to imply any sarcasm in this sentence.
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:28, Reply)
"Na, na na, na na na na na na"-piano goes do do, do do, do do-
YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN, YOUNG AND SWEET ONLY 17
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:30,
Reply)
Ah...Yeah, way too subtle for me! I'm delighted that my knowledge of Abba is buried beneath sufficient levels of denial for that to not be too obvious
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:31, Reply)
I love ABBA.But yes, I was worried it was too subtle.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:32,
Reply)
I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo.How Abbariginal.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:35,
Reply)
On a scale of 1 to 10 it's not that bad.*offensive, not quality. It's dreadful.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:24,
Reply)
I disagreeIt's unfortunate that I needed it explaining, but it's actually very funny
(, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:34, Reply)
In the beginning was the wordand Terry Christian saw that it was good
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 May 2011, 15:16,
Reply)
Your sig has put that Oydssey disco hit in my head now.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:18,
Reply)
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