The OffTopics
Right, that is the name of our new band. Who plays an instrument? Are you any good? Have you played live in front of people or are you a bedroom weedler?

Alt: Tea or coffee? Favourite biscuit or snack?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:41, 75 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'll be the cool one,
I'll wear sleveless shirts to show off my guns.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:42, Reply)

You are the Terry of East 17
AICM Nobodyhasacluewhoyouareorwhatyoudo
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:43, Reply)

*falls off chair laughing*

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:50, Reply)

I can play the pink oboe like a pro.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:43, Reply)

And honestly, tea or coffee, biscuit or snack?
I'm this close to contacting your local authority and demanding they change the date on your birth certificate *holds fingers a femtometre apart*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:44, Reply)

Why?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:58, Reply)

I rock a mean triangle
Alt: Tea all the way. Assam is my favourite at the moment with a slice of battenberg. Biscuit-wise I like those caramel chocolate digestives or fig rolls.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:44, Reply)

I had some drum lessons as a teenager.
Coffee and a chocolate biscuit.

I got riddim.
( girlinthehole, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:44, Reply)

I have a list of band names that you can use for a small fee.
Tangerine Escalator. Ghengis Fuckpaws. Gay men eat grasshopers. Spaffing on kittens.

the list goes on.

and tea. Coffee is the drink of cads, shirtlifters and pederasts
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:48, Reply)

*wonders which one I am*

( girlinthehole, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:49, Reply)

there's nowt wrong with a bit of cadding.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:50, Reply)

I've looked up pederast
And it seems a perfectly legal thing to do.

*whines*
Leave pederasts alone!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:01, Reply)

fucking small boys is legal?
I must admit I never got THAT memo.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Not underage - adolescent
"Pederasty or paederasty is a (usually erotic) relationship between an older man and an adolescent boy outside his immediate family."
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:20, Reply)

it's rooted from paed
meaning "child" ... so .. I don't think it's likely to be legal. And i'm pretty sure it's implicitly sexual rather than usually erotic.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:34, Reply)

I still plan to get a 60s garage/psych band together at some point.
When I do we shall be called The Iron Dukes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I don't think I have anything to input to this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Not judging by your Myspace page lolololol

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:51, Reply)

myspace can fuck off
I'm in a band to play music, not to have people listen to it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:02, Reply)

I'm sure you'll give it your best shot.

( girlinthehole, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:52, Reply)

He'll do that thing where he pretends to play guitar by striking a pose and gurning a lot.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I keep a completely blank face when I play guitar

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:57, Reply)

So does your audience.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:02, Reply)

you have no idea how true this is
we frequently get audiences who have no reaction through most of a gig, which is really shit for the people playing, then play the last couple of songs after which they cheer and scream and demand more.

It's actually quite annoying.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:03, Reply)

Welcome to the English

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Blank like record companies cheque books.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:04, Reply)

You can think of the song titles.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I suggested some acts at Glastonbury that you should see
in the other thread
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:58, Reply)

Thanks, Jim Jones Revue half clashes with BB king......

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:03, Reply)

I'd see BB King I think

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:04, Reply)

Yeah, if he's not great I'll head over to JJR

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:04, Reply)

good plan.

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:06, Reply)

He can't even walk or stand any more.
But he'll be dead soon so don't miss him.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:08, Reply)

We should have a pun song titles thread
I've got loads.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:01, Reply)

Post a new thread then.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Good idea

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:11, Reply)

I'm happy with standing at the back and throwing bottles of piss at the stage thanks all the same

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:54, Reply)

And it's not even your piss!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:57, Reply)

I'm a decent enough singer.
And writing comes easily enough to me. Can't play an instrument to save my life.

The band could be called We Come From the Internet.

Tea, every time, with a ginger biscuit.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Can I be the bez?
Alt: Cup of tea and a penguin.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I was in a band called The Gherkins.

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Were you pickled all the time?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:59, Reply)

I play a variety of instruments, some of them quite well
ask me to play them in front of anyone, however, and I become the shrinkingest violet to ever have shrunk to a fear-ridden, embarrassed microscopic thing.

All biscuits are good, apart from bourbons.
(berk, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 14:59, Reply)

What is wrong with bourbons?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:01, Reply)

I just don't like them very much.
chocolate digestives are far superior.
(berk, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:02, Reply)

Bourbons don't really taste that chocolatey.
Dark chocolate digestives are good.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:04, Reply)

Bourbons are evil and must be stopped.

( girlinthehole, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Favourite Tea: Lapsang Soushong
Favourite Biscuit or Snack: Garibaldi
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:00, Reply)

There's no excuse for Garibaldi
Useless acting ridiculous hairline-sporting motherfucker
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:12, Reply)

I never get time to play guitar these days
I'm OK at it, but that's about it. Never played in front of people either.

Coffee FTW + Dark Choc Wholemeal
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:03, Reply)

Black coffee
or Yorkshire tea, strong, with half a sugar. Best biscuit is a hob-nob.

I have the musical talent of Bono so will be no use to you.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:04, Reply)

The CumQOTWs - citrus based jazzz fusion

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:05, Reply)

a i
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I play a mean skin flute
Alt: Tea AND coffee. Coffee in the mornings, tea from lunchtime onwards.

Biscuits - chocolate gingers.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Well
I play guitar and sing
I have played in front of many people many times
I am not very good

Tea
Shortbread
Crisps
( Peej, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:08, Reply)

My mum makes the most amazing shorbread, it iss soft in the middle and melts in your mouth

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Can I have some?

( Peej, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:10, Reply)

My spunk melts in your mum's mouth every Thursday night.
In fact, I'd better be off or I won't have time to bum her as well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:10, Reply)

melts in the mouth not in your hand
she always was a smartie
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:15, Reply)

A treet.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:21, Reply)

I've had her up the chocolate button-hole enough times

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:21, Reply)

bet you had a chocolate finger afterwards

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:23, Reply)

I'm too good to be in your shit band, Sporto.

Soz.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Sorry Hammertime
I should be the Bez. Partly because his real name and mine are virtually indentical, partly because (for this reason) Bez was my nickname at school and partly because my only discernable skill which may be of use to The OffTopics lies in dancing. And that's why Bez was in the Mondays, right?

Right?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:10, Reply)

You seem to have misspelled 'shot like a incontinent dog' as 'Bez'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:12, Reply)

And that's why shot like an incontinent dog was in the Mondays, right?
You're making even less sense than usual here.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I can't play an instrument, nor sing, nor dance.
Alt: Tea, and milk chocolate hobnobs. Although I prefer plain hobnobs for dipping.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:15, Reply)

You could be the next Fred Astaire.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:17, Reply)

"Can't act, can't really sing. Can dance a little"

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:40, Reply)

we could be the b3ta band...
can't be fucked to see if anyone else made that joke. I play the drums and have played in front of people several times.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:18, Reply)

that joke has been made a few times over the years.
it's still decent enough though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:22, Reply)

too tired to care
off for a nap
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:24, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDEJpqljvIc
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Well...
I play guitar, so does Pooflake - he sings too. Yes, we do it in front of people (fnarr fnarr) - in fact we did it in front of people just last night!

Alt: McVitie's digestives and a good strong cup of tea
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:24, Reply)

this isn't /QOTW so less of your tedious smut please

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:28, Reply)