A Guy and a Doll
My very short story A Guy and a Doll has been published by The Brooklyner.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 10:37, 59 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Brilliant, an entire story based on puns
'published' online, you are the new Salmand Rushdie that's for sure.



Also - SPAMCUNT
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 10:52, Reply)

"you are the new Salmand Rushdie"
Who's Salmand Rushdie then? The guy that taught you to spell?

PS 1995 called. They want their publishing model back.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:58, Reply)

i do find the way these get posted on here
without so much as a "please read" or even a "fuck you" to be the most extraordinary act of egotism.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I can see how that would be distressing.
I suggest having an extended whine on the internet.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 18:43, Reply)

tl:dr

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:01, Reply)

'A Gay and a Dull' more like.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Really?
Because my story entitled "I Don't Care, You Beakering Cunt" has been published on www.someshitwebsitenobodygivesafuckabout.com
( Kroney, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:09, Reply)

it is wrong that this made me laugh quite as much as it did

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
POTD
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Agreed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Your cricket team are fucking shit

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:27, Reply)

This man speaks the truth ^^^

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:34, Reply)

On the other hand
so are your police.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Perhaps you could explain this?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:09, Reply)

Sorry.
So are your police, and apparently so is your education system.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Please don't be a fuckwit.
I simply asked you to explain why you consider our police to be shit.

If you can't genuinely answer the question, then just say so. No need to act like a helmet.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:32, Reply)

does "being" a helmet
give rise to a need to "act" like one?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Holy shit. Is my face red!
Sorry you guys - I totally didn't realise!

But don't keep me hanging. Post the links to your better stories. I'd love to read them.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:30, Reply)

GOOD ONE
That told us! Oh man, wouldn't it be funny if we had somebody on /OT who is being published by an actual publishing company that print all books and that for money and who isn't beakering every week or so when they get a few lines posted on an internet forum?
( Kroney, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

But you know, this is totally about us feeling inferior to your AMAZING LITERARY SKILLS
and not because you keep on posting about your asinine tripe on here week in, week out without so much as a by your leave, a please or thank you, or even any sort of acknowledgement to the people that do abuse themselves by reading your shit.
( Kroney, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Fuck off back to mumsnet

( Kroney, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Ooooooooooooooooh someone's UPSET

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Seriously though, now that you're a published author I have a new found respect and admiration for your published and indeed unpublished works, and for you as a creative individual.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Hang on a minute
We have to have written better stories to be able to comment on yours?

I don't think that's how this works.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:34, Reply)

No, I think it is
That's why he's not replying to us, he feels unqualified to retort until his nation's cricket team have claimed three innins victories in one series on foreign soil
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Your cricket team are fucking shit

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:40, Reply)

hoorah
a response. it's not the linking or the story, it's the arrogance of putting the link there and then just fucking off...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 12:29, Reply)

OK, I hadn't read it. Now I have.
The rhythm's shit, the prose is nonsensical and it is bereft of point.
( Kroney, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:41, Reply)

'Rhythm' and 'prose' are certainly words connected to literary criticism.
Your next challenge is to use them correctly.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:21, Reply)

I liked it.
That is all
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Thanks!

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:50, Reply)

after all that fuss, I read it.
I really don't think it was worth the bother, either to write or to read.

No I have not written any novels. Then again I cannot cook for shit and I can tell Maccy D's from decent food, because I eat quite a lot of food and have developed the ability to tell good from bad.

Your work, based on this, is the latter.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 23 Aug 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Sorry for posting the link here everyone!
I read the blurb where it says that Off Topic is for anything "that isn't an answer to the current QOTW."

But I forgot to read the invisible part that only rachelswipe can see where it says I couldn't post a link to my story.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 14:49, Reply)

It is a mite egotistical though mate
As you never post here otherwise, your frequent self-advertising is the equivalent of walking into a pub and announcing yourself to be a cracking shag, then leaving when nobody offers to test the claim.

Your above post is the equivalent of coming back to say "I thought you were allowed to talk in pubs" - you're not breaking any rules, but certain conventions arise amongst those who frequent it.

Also, your cricket team are fucking shit.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)

I fully endorse this post.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)

I never post here otherwise
Except for all my posts.

PS Unless you're counting 'here' as /offtopic only and the QOTW doesn't count, which would be too stupid to be argued with.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Well, it's not
/OT very obviously does operate as a separate entity to QOTW, as exemplified by the fact that most of us very rarely write QOTW entries. Saying something is stupid doesn't make it so.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:23, Reply)

Saying "Are you a QOTWer?
Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW?" does though.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:27, Reply)

This goes back to your original argument
Knowing the written description does not make you au fait with the practices. Everyone gets the piss taken out of them on /OT, and repeatedly starting self-aggrandising threads and then not bothering to reply to them, until today, was never going to endear you to those who populate it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:33, Reply)

So basically
you're claiming to be the equivalent of those tedious old pricks in pubs who act like they own the place and complain loudly when someone puts the 'wrong' song on the jukebox.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:28, Reply)

No.
Read his post again, and have another think.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:33, Reply)

Try doing what I suggested above
and see if it's only the tedious old pricks who call you a bellend.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:34, Reply)

The flaw in the above post
is left as an exercise for the reader.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 16:12, Reply)

it's more the invisible part where is says the piss will be taken nomatter what
So best not post anything too personal unless you have a think skin.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 23 Aug 2011, 14:56, Reply)

Interesting how, out of all the people throwing their oar in here
you single out Swipey as the one that's worthy of a response.

I like that.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 14:57, Reply)

sexual tension innit
i'm a girl, he hasn't had sex in.... well, if he were having sex, he wouldn't be writing stuff like that!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:01, Reply)

Well he would, but just in his head
to delay the vinegar strokes.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)

OK. Bang to rights.
I am pretty desperate. I even ended up having sex with my boss, who was an awful person. She actually shat in my bed! I think I have low self-esteem or something.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 16:15, Reply)

I liked it James, ignore the spiteful invective thrown at you, please post more links
Cheers
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Where are your manners, Rory?
He's "Mr Hutchings" to you.
( Kroney, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Thanks!
I will.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)

what about the part that says you're a cunt?
that's certainly visible to everyone.

you total tool. where did i say that you couldn't post a link to the story? if you said "thought you guys might like it" or "thanks for reading" or anything that a normal person would say, fine.

but oh no, you just slap the link down and bugger off. now you're acting all surprised that everyone isn't coming in their pants with gratitude that you bothered to share it. urrrrrgh. self-awareness, much?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)

FOR FUCKS SAKE, OK, I'LL PRINT IT OFF AND PUT IT ON THE FRIDGE, CAN YOU STOP CRYING NOW PLEASE?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Hey!
I totally helped write something better than your story, well OK, i only wrote the first Para, Luggage wrote the rest, but it's still better, I shal repost it here in it's entirity:

Slowly his bedroom door opened, causing him to whimper with excitement. There outlined in the doorway stood the silhouette he'd been hoping to see. "I... I tried to stop myself" stuttered Monty "but I just couldn't resist. The way you stood up for laissez faire Capitalism against all those benders on Off Topic it just... made me want you so much..." In three quick steps he was across the room and on top of FreeFare.

FreeFair gazed longingly into Monty's eyes. They both knew it had to be. Something that seemed so wrong on the outside, but when it came down to it, felt incredibly right. The timing, the setting, the tube of KY on the bedstand- everything. Monty and FreeFair moved slowly towards each other, a few seconds feeling like an eternity, as slowly, they began to kiss. Tentatively at first, their lips brushing together like hummingbirds in flight. Then, as their mutual passion took over, their kisses became more urgent, more animal. They needed each other, and didn't care they were so wrong for each other. It was just one of those things.

As their kiss deepened, their hands started to move. Like the kiss, it was a caress at first. Caressing though, ultimately wouldn't last. They started to tear at each other's clothes with a Bachannalian lust. Shirts, belts and trousers were flung all over the bedroom with a reckless abandon.

"I want you- now" breathed Monty, heavily, in between kissing, gasping for breath and fumbling with FreeFair's belt. FreeFair responded in kind, slowly giving way to his animal passions. Eventually, all their clothes were off, thrown everywhere with gay abandon.

Monty, slowing things down a notch, looked into FreeFair's eyes, and pushed him back on the bed, and took him in his mouth.

At first, Monty just licked FreeFare's shaft with the tip of his tongue. Teasing, FreeFare's previously limp member became turgid. Monty kept on kissing, licking, teasing, until FreeFare could take it no more. He roughly grabbed Monty's head and shoved it on his mouth. Monty took the cue, and began sucking like a man possessed. Dyson hoovers would have been suitably impressed.

As Monty's head bobbed up and down, FreeFare laid back, enjoying the sensation. And then, Monty stopped, and looked up. "I want you inside me- now".

And so it was. FreeFare reached for the tube of KY, and squeezed some onto a fingertip. Lightly at first, he began to tickle Monty's anus, round and round, before slowly inserting his finger. Sliding it in and out, Monty began bucking backwards in obvious appreciation. FreeFare then inserted another finger, and then another, until his hand was inside Monty, up to his wrist. Monty writhed in obvious ecstasy, as FreeFare fisted him like an angry god. Eventually, FreeFare removed his hand, and entered Monty fully.

FreeFare began to move, slowly at first. And then increasing his pace, he grabbed Monty's tumescent boner, and started pumping for all he was worth. They moved, back and forth, rolling around the bed, each lost in their passing and lust for each other. Monty bit the pillow to stifle a cry.

FreeFare's pace increased, until he could take it no more, and he came. Monty came at the same time, with the stimulation of his prostate and FreeFare's reacharound, and both collapsed on the bed, completely out of breath.

FreeFare felt totally disgusted with himself, and kicked Monty out into the street, naked and covered with sweat, hoping to never see him again.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:00, Reply)

"I shal repost it here in it's entirity:"
When?

PS Other flaws with your sentence are left as an exercise for the reader.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:22, Reply)

What a cunt, he's calling your published story shit and he's left school without even the rudimentary ability to spell, or indeed use grammar.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:26, Reply)

i niver said I cud spell gud
but that story is still better than yours you fucknuckle.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:44, Reply)

Begone with you failed speller.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 17:05, Reply)

"but that story is still better than yours you fucknuckle."
Let me know when you get paid for it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 16:10, Reply)