Are you worried about shitting yourself when you give birth?
This is one of the reasons I'm against having children. Imagine a room full of doctors looking at a human head coming out of your fanny and then you shit the bed. I'd rather have a cup of tea and a nice sit down.
( wanderlust, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:29, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I'd rather watch Boy George take drugs.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:30, Reply)

A bit
But I think I'll be in so much pain that I won't care. And the midwives have seen it all.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Just have a poo earlier in the day and get an epidural, absolutely brilliant

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Is this what your wife did?
Or just general advice for life?
( wanderlust, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Both

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I want to have a water birth
but knowing me, as soon as the pain starts, I'll ask for epidural.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:37, Reply)

can't have a water birth with an epidural?
are they afraid you'll drown?
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Yes, they are
because your legs might not be strong enough you might end up under the water.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:44, Reply)

I'm no expert in the field
but I seem to remember once being told that they give you an enema, which kind of made sense to me.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Some places do
Not in Worthing, as far as I know. However, a lot of women get diaorrhea just before giving birth.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:45, Reply)

how many doctors do you require to have a baby?
back in the day it was like all your girlfriends and some hot water
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Back in the day the mortality rate for giving birth was over 30%.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Here in the UK
none, in theory. Only one midwife. Now, if things go wrong you might end up with up to 15 people in the room around you.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

my cousin had a nurse up until the baby was practically crowning, then the doc came in and WHAM
baby
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Hahaha
Here they leave you more or less on your own and tell you to walk around and do stuff that keeps you busy. Then, they check you every 4 min or so, and off they go again.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:38, Reply)

I've seen it done
and it is not a lot of fun.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Oh and it is worse for the dad

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Why is it worse for the dad?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

typical man, me me me

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Because the doctor makes you lie underneath with your mouth open.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Because your baby will be black.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Because he's the only one not off his tits on MDs.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Well I guess you will struggle to see my point of view...
But it is actually quite distressing watching someone you love be in a lot of pain and be utterly unable to do anything to help. The only thing the dad can practically do is to physically be there. Nothing else. You feel useless, pointless and powerless. It is physically and emotionally draining. Oh and Mrs Dupinblue bit me during one particular stressful point, and that really hurt.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:40, Reply)

HAHA!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Appreciate your support AA

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Sorry mate, it's nothing against you. It just reads as a stream of consciousness sentence, only to be followed up with "Oh, and Mrs Dupinblue bit me".
I'm aware the lolz are unintentional, but they're there nonetheless
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:46, Reply)

It was.
and I wasn't offended. And the (trufact) bit about being bitten was intended to provide lolz at the end of an uncharacteristically wet post.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Ahh, good good

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:54, Reply)

this is the stupidest thing I've ever read

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Yeah, why would a women bite someone
when there is a constant supply of cakes at hand.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Actually, had she been eating cakes through the labour it might not have taken so long.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:46, Reply)

When all the muscles in your belly
are contracting at the same time, and a big baby is kicking your stomach, you don't feel much like eating, I heard.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Eating was the last thing she wanted to do.
I recommend that you stock up on high sugar energy drinks in order to keep your blood-sugar levels up. If they dip, then the contractions will reduce and you will labour for much longer.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:52, Reply)

are you a doctor?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:55, Reply)

More a quack

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:57, Reply)

He's on the internet
which is about 9 tenths of the way to being a doctor.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Funnily enough
(if you've read the 2nd story down on my profile) some people seem to put more trust in me than their GPs. I should reiterate that these people are fools.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Thanks
We're taking loads of gas free lucozade with us.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:58, Reply)

yeah, why weren't she eating cakes? couldn't be because her hole was voluntarily stretching on it's own, or being physically ill
or a man standing over her saying "I know you feel bad but I feel worse, it's really hard seeing you in all this pain"
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Yes, Kristine, that is exactly what I said
I pretty much turned the whole experience around to be ALL ABOUT ME!!
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:50, Reply)

It must have been so hard for you.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Yeah, I toss around the "worse for the dad" thing to annoy my wife.
And in this instance for Aber's benefit.
I am well aware that childbirth is horrific for women. It is not physically painful for men (apart from the biting), but that doesn't mean it is more fun.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:00, Reply)

I don't know if I'm upset with you now
but I'll change the places with the father at any point. He's already telling me how to squeeze his hand so that it doesn't hurt too much. Grrrr
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:46, Reply)

"And here's Mark, holding our beautiful baby. The black eye is because he complained I'd hurt his hand"

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Yes, something like that will happen
I can see him in trouble already. The other day I got one of this "painless" training contractions. They're quite painful, and I can't move when they come. We were shopping, and I stopped on the aisle, holding the trolley very hard. The conversation went:

Mark: Do you want to sit down?
Me (almost breathless): No, I can't move
Mark: Go and sit down
Me: I... can't... move
Mark: Go and sit down
Me: I CAN'T MOVE

He got upset because I shouted at him. I don't want to know what'll happen the real day.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Yeah, he should man up a bit and prepare himself for more and worse.
It is a scary thing to witness though.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:01, Reply)

I don't think he'll cope with it
After my second shouting he'll probably get all upset and grumpy and leave me on my own. He doesn't do well with shouting.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:05, Reply)

He can't leave.
As I said at the start, the one thing that the father can do is be there in the room. And however much you appreciate the medical professionals or want to call for your mum, his presence is necessary however pointless and useless he feels.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:09, Reply)

You tell him that

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Get him to read this page
and remind him that I was the helpful one who suggested you should be consuming his semen regularly for medicinal purposes.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:28, Reply)

I've watched Monty suffer through a cold for over two weeks now
so I understand what you're trying saying here.
( wanderlust, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Oh god that must have been awful for you.
How are you bearing up? If you need someone to talk to I have Gonz's number.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:48, Reply)

It's been upsetting to say the least.
I need a shoulder to cry on and a can of that V energy stuff.
( wanderlust, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I know just the person you should go and see.
They are only a couple of minutes from a tube station and there is a Tesco Express just over the road.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:57, Reply)

I think I should head over there soon.
Monty won't be able to find me either as he only has a travel card zones 1-4 and wouldn't head any further out of town.
( wanderlust, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:59, Reply)

And it's only a short hop to my place too.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:02, Reply)

I think the most astute thing I ever heard on the subject came from a midwife who said
"when you come into the maternity unit you leave your dignity at the door and pick it up on the way out".
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:43, Reply)