Naked_Ape commands I start a new thread
So start a new thread I must. For he is THE UBERGRUPPENTWATTER

I scored four goals at 6-a-side last night. That is four times as many goals as I have previously scored in 6-a-side in the last decade. What have you done lately that's surprised you?

Alt: This has to be about Otters, apparently. Tell the group something interesting about Otters, or another animal, I don't care.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:38, 83 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

YOU BASTARD YOU STOMPED AL

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:39, Reply)

I didn't mean to
If I'd meant to, I'd be hard right now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Someone is bound to make a comment about preferring beavers to otters.
Not me though. I wouldn't dream of it.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:43, Reply)

You scored some goals playing sixes and this is unusual?
Anyone can score goals in fives or sixes. Even a flid would get lucky now and again.

Morning, by the way.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:43, Reply)

You have no idea how bad I am at football mate
I scored once last time I played and was bloody chuffed with that. Last night I was all over the pitch though. Am expecting the call from Fabio any minute.

Morning.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Honestly, you haven't seen the fuckwits from work that I play with
You cannot be worse than some of them. It is actually not possible.

One guy whose not been working with us for very long just plays in goals for the full hour, and he's still completely fucking knackered when he comes off afterwards. WTF is that all about?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Obesity. That's all I can think of.
There was one guy there last night who was notably worse than me. He just goal-hung all night and was utterly hopeless whenever the ball came near him, which was very gratifying as I can't stand him.

At one point our keeper warned (of this twat) "Kyle's free!" and I replied "With a face like that I'm not surprised"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Well he's certainly dodged the occasional salad
Perhaps if you reigned in the withering put-downs during the game you might get on a bit better? Just a thought...
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Ah, but
Last time I was the model of decency and had a stinker. This time, four goals (one with my HEAD! Well, shoulder) and a load of decent tackles. And a nutmeg. I'm wondering if the company of this vile internetrandoms is having a beneficial effect on my sporting skill
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Decency doesn't work either
Be a tiger, it's the only way.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:02, Reply)

+g

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:03, Reply)

beg a tiger?
you fucking would, too, if you met one.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Silly. I meant be a tigger. They're bouncy!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

See, this ^^^ is what happens when girls get involved in football chat.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:18, Reply)

to the /QOTW-mobile

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Needs MOAR padding and oblique sexual metaphors.
And lies.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:59, Reply)

I know
I've scored quite a lot and for a man that spent as much of their life playing sport as I have, I'm a total and utter fucktard at football. I wish I knew why.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:46, Reply)

My main problem is first touch
I can trap it further than I can clear it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:47, Reply)

As one of my mates would say
"He couldn't control a bag of cement"
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:50, Reply)

For you Mr Badger
jelly.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1446285
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Ball is only supposed to come off the ground in "a controlled fashion"
in hockey, except inside the D. So only the keeper wears a helmet, although defenders are allowed face masks when defending penalty corners.

Unfortunately, it occasionally deflects of a stick into the air, or someone fucks up. It's not common and it's usually not serious, but most hockey players are well acquainted with various stitching techniques, yeah. Hope he's OK?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Yeah, it wasn't the ball but the opponent's stick
He tried to block him taking a shot, the guy hit the ball but the stick slipped in his hand as he hit it and it caught him just about the eye.

He got some paper stitches and he's swollen and bruised, but he's fine ta. In fact, he seems to be getting rather a lot of attention from the girls at school - well, more than usual.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Ah, yeah, stick in the face was the only thing that's ever properly fucked me up
But that goes away as the level increases, in my case it was only because national league was on close season so I volunteered to play for one of our lower teams. If he's good it's not a problem that'll occur as he starts to play higher level

And, of course, chicks do dig scars. bones heal. pain is temporary, glory is forever.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:06, Reply)

And a hand job is less than 5 minutes.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

This can be true but I'm unsure of the relevance.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:14, Reply)

bones heal. pain is temporary, glory is forever, and a hand job is less than 5 minutes
It was supposed to follow on from your comments about chicks digging scars.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:18, Reply)

Ah, OK.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:22, Reply)

You are Keanu Reeves in The Replacements AICM Eternal sense of shame for knowing that

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I can't imagine him taking it very far, it was only at PE
He's doing standard grade so they do a bit of everything. Volleyball is his thing anyway, so there's not enough time to get into anything else.

I'm pinning my hopes on the 2016 Olympics. Rio FTW.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I doubt we'll even have a football team for that Games
and Ferdinand is already looking creaky at 33
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Ferdinand has been shit for years.
Bone idle, can't be arsed, thinks he's Billy Big-Nuts. He's finished.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Agreed
Thank god United have Jonny Evans, eh?

*dies laughing*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:23, Reply)

I can't play football becasue I'm not a boorish oaf

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:53, Reply)

not a boorish oaf

a club-footed flid with no co-ordination
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Surely i'd be able to kick it harder in that case?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:56, Reply)

A fooking elephant could kick a ball hard
but I don't think one would get into the Premiership.

*Invites Emille Heskey quip*
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Heskey can't kick a ball hard
at least, not in the correct direction.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:07, Reply)

a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/298250_10150363185098303_9171233302_8581326_1019960066_n.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:44, Reply)

MJ really let himself go in his final days

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:48, Reply)

"I'll swap you this for a bag of wotsits"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Fonz-otter

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:52, Reply)

"To be honest, I'm not sure Otter's even have prostates..."

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Are we back on prostates?
It's like my calling card at the moment. Someone talks about prostates, and I suddenly appear.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:02, Reply)

It was my birthday yesterday, for the first time for years I didn't get ratarsed.
I treated myself to cheese bratwurst from the German market, possibly the best sausage ever. And a fuck-off bag of salami.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:52, Reply)

What a terrible bunch of bastards we are that no-one's replied as yet
Happy birthday, old boy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:58, Reply)

anteaters love playing in water

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Do they suck up water through their long snouts like elephants do?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I hate work I hate work
have to work tomorrow
what a load of shiiiiiit
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I have to buy bathroom tiles tomorrow
and a towel rail.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

500 x 1200 straight towel rail £57.99
BARGAIN
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Where from?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:13, Reply)

my amazing plumbing shop

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:13, Reply)

where is it?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:16, Reply)

Muswell Hill

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Hmmmm, How late are you open tomorrow?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Our opening hours ar 7am - 5pm.
And you'll get to see me!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Are they electric or plumbed in ones?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:24, Reply)

They work off the central heating but you can fit an element to them if you want them dual fuel

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Nah, we don't have power in the bathroom
I don't suppose you can link to a picture of them could you?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Well they look similar to this one
ebay

as I have noticed our actual listing just has a random mismash picture! 5 years guarantee woo!
BARGAIN
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:33, Reply)

£58 for a towel rail?????

( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:21, Reply)

It's got very shapely ends

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I don't know if you think that's cheap or crazy london prices
Can I have a key to number of question marks please
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:22, Reply)

It's very cheap.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:23, Reply)

I'm assuming it's a heated rail
not just a metal bar to hang your towel on.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:23, Reply)

I don't know why I'm reminding you of this
but I did inadvertantly present you with a means of entertainment for Saturday work
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:09, Reply)

oh yeah
mwahahah
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:10, Reply)

You're welcome
Don't forget the payoff
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I already have

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Pics
you know... pics
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Gorillas can't swim.
Or maybe they can, I can't remember.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:03, Reply)

It's because they're black isn't it, you just don't care.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Not so great in a pool, but can't be beaten on a track or in a ring
racismlols
( Kroney, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Nothing surprises me anymore.
I'm a jaded old woman.

Alt: dogs are ace. Is that the sort of thing you meant?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:07, Reply)

I think smoked otter may taste quite nice. A little fishy maybe.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

You know what else is a little fishy?
Minnows.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Oh dear.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Leave the internet.
Go on.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:14, Reply)

I'd make my terrible 'chicken tarka' joke, but I know Noel is still around here, so I don't dare.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Go on.
I could do with some shit humour.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:36, Reply)

what's brown and sticky

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Chris Akabusi at a bukkake party

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:04, Reply)

I effectively justb fell asleep in a meeting...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:02, Reply)