Dead thread is dead
10 years ago this very day I started seeing Mrs Cow. This involved a Paul Weller gig, hats, sambucca and fire.

Tell me your tales of odd hookups and breakups. Swipe, no bedshitter please.

Alt:
Favourite childhood toy
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:17, 170 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I want to go home, work is so fucking boring at the moment.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:21, Reply)

I have a full day of "tender responses"
This is as tedious as it sounds
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:22, Reply)

All day going "There, there, it's OK"

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:25, Reply)

Yep

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:26, Reply)

You have my permission to go home
asa Freeeman of the land and tax payer I have absolute power over the government and therefore the NHS.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:22, Reply)

You're dointi wrong Nakers!
a freeMAN does not pay taxes, as he was unable to give valid concent to the MAGNA CARTA as he wasn't even born then.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:28, Reply)

fuck, back to the internet for me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:31, Reply)

scary thing is that's probably more coherant than their schtick.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:32, Reply)

I snogged some bird after a day's work experince at Radio 1
we'd only had one pint nad she was off home, so thought she'd pounce.

alt: Our 'Base'
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:21, Reply)

Are you in One Direction?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:22, Reply)

I'm the sexy one

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:22, Reply)

(!)

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:23, Reply)

this was probably before they were born :(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:24, Reply)

noncebait

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:25, Reply)

you shagged a work experience before she was even born?
mega-nonce!
(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:44, Reply)

She was 14

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:26, Reply)

no she wasn't and neither was I

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Thanks Sir Jimmy

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:33, Reply)

A Paul Weller gig?
You disgust me, sporto.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:26, Reply)

That was the point
I went on the premise of getting a few Jam songs but all I got was tedious bollocks so I left and met others in the pub, one of which was Mrs Cow.

So thanks "Modfather". Thanks for being shite so I met my Mrs
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:31, Reply)

...and your hair looks fucking shite too

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:33, Reply)

OH SHIT FACEBOOK NOW HAS AN EDIT BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT MEANS IT'S ONLY TEN YEARS BEHIND B3TA!
(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:27, Reply)

It shows the unedited version as well.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:29, Reply)

well that's gay

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:30, Reply)

It's had that for months
quintsy is months behind facebook which is ten years behind b3ta making him... my nan?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:53, Reply)

fasten your galoshes, you're an embarrassment to the family

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:54, Reply)

Naah, my nan died in a freak skydiving accident
she forgot to wear knickers and when she hit turbulence she was beaten to death by her own labia.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:00, Reply)

(loud, long exhale)

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:06, Reply)

A dental nurse after a course of root canal surgery
She said she liked my beard.
Alt: Meccano
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:29, Reply)

that's the mescalin talking

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:30, Reply)

As your dentist, I advise you not to try and pull with a mouth full of hand

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:32, Reply)

hand cock
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:37, Reply)

She had to hold my jaw
Apparently she'd never felt a beard before and found it quite stimulating!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:38, Reply)

fucking furries

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Paul fucking Weller?
And to think I respected you.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:30, Reply)

See above
Also, no you didn't
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:31, Reply)

I nearly did.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:32, Reply)

\o/
Near enough
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:32, Reply)

I'llrespect you when you move into your new house with it's quality flooring

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:33, Reply)

Me too

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:40, Reply)

I think mine have all been normal.
Pubs/clubs/gigs etc.

I did wake up once with someone with genuinely no idea where I was or who she was, and she was fucking hot, and (it turned out) a nurse, and lo, I was bitterly disappointed that I couldn't remember anything. And she hit me when it was obvious I didn't know her name.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:35, Reply)

it's alright, lots of people don't know their mum's first name

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:36, Reply)

lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:37, Reply)

roffle.
My mum was a teacher though. It must have been someone else's mum.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:38, Reply)

i agree, you should definitely stop shagging your own mum

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:40, Reply)

Kindle paperwhite, worth buying?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:36, Reply)

no

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:37, Reply)

maybe

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:38, Reply)

no

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Why not?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Imo only worth it for travelling
as you can carry many books on it.
The thing I don't like is that you don't buy the books, you buy the right to read them, not the same thing and it can be withdrawn at any time leaving you with nothing, also you can't easily sell on or transfer them.
If you only read free/out of copyright stuff this doesn't apply though, screen and battery life are good, but for me I'd rather have a real book. I do have an e-book reader on my phone, though, for when stuck on a train, etc.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:45, Reply)

I read quite a bit on the e-book reader on my phone
Not sure what the advantage of a dedicated reader is, compared to the disadvantage of it being bloody obvious you're reading a book when you should be working.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:49, Reply)

The battery life is massive.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:50, Reply)

The screen, mainly
e-ink unlike LCD doesn't wash out in sunlight, and only uses power to change, so the battery lasts ages. Have your phone on full brightness continually you'll be lucky if it lasts half a day. Plus the Kindle is bigger than a phone.
Worth a look at the Nook or Kobo before buying, too.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:53, Reply)

the kindle being bigger than a phone is a disadvantage when I'm sloping off for a ciggie though
unless they start making work trousers with extra large pockets.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:54, Reply)

Better for those with poor eyesight though
even if caused by "reading in the toilet"
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 11:56, Reply)

i don't really have any if we exclude the bedshitter
i told y'all about the 34 year old who kept making me say "i'm only 13" when he found out i wasn't really 18. and the assclown who thought it was ok not to say thank you when i paid for his pizza dinner OR for his pub lunch the next day. his parents did a shit job dragging him up. oh, and there was the one who leapt out of bed when his doorbell went really early on a sunday, saying "that'll be my mum." niiiiiiiiiice. everyone else, pretty normal really.

my friends have much better stories. one of them snogged the entire cast of "miss saigon", girls and boys, when we were at uni. that's pretty random.

alt: my care bear.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:04, Reply)

random fucking low standards.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:05, Reply)

she was working behind the bar, they came in to drink
i never really got any more details than that. but she is now a licker, so snogging all those girls must have done something for her.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:06, Reply)

well, it's marginally classier than doing the whole rugby team I guess.
In the same way that babycham is marginally classier than white lightning.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:07, Reply)

she only snogged them as a drinking game
so a lot better than doing a whole rugby team, i would argue.

white lightning can be combined with thunderbird to make a truly classy brew.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:09, Reply)

arses.
Castaway and Diamond White mixed was the classy drink for ladies when I was about 16.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:09, Reply)

Haha, I remember this classy concoction.
I believe it was known as 'Blastaway'
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:10, Reply)

thunder & lightning
we tried blastaways too, but the thunderbird was much stronger.

fucking disgusting shit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:20, Reply)

... and snakebite made with special brew, K cider and creme de cassis.
fucking hell. Purple nasty.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:24, Reply)

also, the first one, seriously?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:06, Reply)

yes, seriously
it was pretty hideous, in hindsight
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:08, Reply)

were you actually 13?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:08, Reply)

and more to the point, do you think the sexual abuse you suffered at 13 has tainted your ability to form lasting relationships?

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:09, Reply)

pffft
3 years, 1 year, 4 years, 18 months... they are pretty stable. unlike your current donkey, which is bucking you off again.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:13, Reply)

it was a perfectly valid question, no need to get personal :(

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:15, Reply)

what's the latest with the little donkey anyway?
are you still heading down the dusty road?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:17, Reply)

i went round hers, made her dinner, gave her wine, did her in the bathroom and on her bed
she finished twice, i didn't finish once.

i am her gigolo
(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:19, Reply)

this post makes me sad

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:22, Reply)

fine, i'll be your gigolo too
jeez
(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:25, Reply)

Do you have, finishing issues?
Maybe it's your medication?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:26, Reply)

i never went to finishing school

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:27, Reply)

This calls for some Louis Prima
Including a bonus song for Kroney:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-a8kLtJSJ4
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

yes
nutshell version: friend and i got tarted up and pissed, told her parents we were going to cinema. instead went to pub to find some boys to snog. they not unreasonably assumed we were 18. my friend was a lot sluttier than i was. but i had to go with them because i was staying at hers. the bloke found out i was 13 when i started crying when he tried to do stuff. then he found the idea of "teaching me" a turn-on. it didn't really go very far, but it was pretty grim in hindsight. and we could hear my friend shagging through the wall the whole time. that was also pretty grim.

the worst thing: when we got home at 3am, her mum banned ME for being a bad influence!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:12, Reply)

well she might not have gone through with all that if she'd had a decent friend there to stop her

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:16, Reply)

:(

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:19, Reply)

you're pretty much totally responsible for your friend being sexually abused
if she's living on the streets right now selling herself for crack money, it's your fault
(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:20, Reply)

she's married with her own business and 2 kids
and the cutest dog you've ever seen, she's amazing.

the dog, not my friend.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:21, Reply)

Pissdog?

( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:21, Reply)

The niche alternative drinks manufacturer to Brewdog?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:26, Reply)

There was a puppy what pissed all over her a while back.

( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:28, Reply)

I thought it shat on her?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:29, Reply)

Nonono
that's her boyfriends. The animals are all about the piss.
( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:30, Reply)

there was definintely a puppy/car/shitting/service station incident, I'm sure.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:31, Reply)

sadly you are both correct
it pissed AND had liquid diarrhoea on me. in a hire car. i had to let it squit all over me because we would have lost the deposit otherwise.

the worst thing was the couple in the car next to us who watched the whole thing and ate their lunch throughout...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:48, Reply)

I'll be honest
I'd have died laughing if I was in that other car.
( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:50, Reply)

and she cries herself to sleep at night because of what you made her do :(

(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:22, Reply)

good
her mother made me go to church the next morning as a penalty. there is nothing like bells chiming when you are cruelly hungover. it sounds like they are coming from inside and out.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

because ABSOLUTELY the best place to go
if you've been subjected to a 3/4 Saville is a church? Notoriously safe places for youngsters sexually, churches.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:28, Reply)

it's ok if you're a girl, dude

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:31, Reply)

Catholic, maybe
CofE, I doubt it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:32, Reply)

That is scary grim

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:16, Reply)

yep
"i'm 13, i'm only 13..."

rank noncery
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:18, Reply)

Still at least the other nonce got a shag out of it.
Every cloud etc.
( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:20, Reply)

has a noncey lining?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:21, Reply)

.....has a non-hairy lining

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:22, Reply)

Oh, textbook.
*cricket applause*
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:29, Reply)

her nonce tried to slip me the tongue as we left
pair of charmers they were.

the worst thing was they told us they were from new zealand (this happened in derbyshire) but turned out to be from IPSWICH. accents slip at the vinegars.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:22, Reply)

I'm a bit grimmed out by all this.

( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

Me too

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

it was about 20 years ago
he'll be long past getting it up for any other teenagers these days
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

Just like Jimmy

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:24, Reply)

Pretty sure 54/55 is still bongle o'clock

( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:24, Reply)

haha you hope so

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:31, Reply)

You'd better hope so, too.
You're closer to it than I am. You prefer older guys. Tick, tock, tick, tock
( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:35, Reply)

Only a bit, though.
Obviously, if you'd have been 14, that'd've been alright.
( Kroney, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

"a bit" ?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:23, Reply)

so, so wrong
and the other guy knew your friend was 13?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:28, Reply)

i don't know
she might not have told him, to be fair.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:30, Reply)

NEW THREAD PLEASE!!!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:50, Reply)

There's certainly no relationship anecdote anyone could add to this thread to top swipe's

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:51, Reply)

Indeed

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 12:59, Reply)