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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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So I am in my hotel in Poznan, having been up since 4am to get the 7am flight from Stansted. Too knackered to go out.
My wife has just told me that our daughter has been re-admitted to hospital this evening.

So please, OT, distract me with stupidity. Or lies, I don't really care. Just something interesting.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 19:52, 194 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
I recommend bromide in your tea.
This is a joke about you being "up" for so long.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 19:53, Reply)
The only interesting thing I can think of right now
is the origins of the term "house warming party" and I've already told that about six times on here before.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 19:56, Reply)
Sorry to hear about your daughter, btw.
Still, look on the bright side; at least Jimmy Savile's dead.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 19:57, Reply)
Cheers matey. It's croup. Only came out of hospital this morning and back in again. Apparently it can go on for ages.
I feel a bit of a cunt having flown out here, but the Mrs insisted.

EDIT: how are things? Was sorry to hear your recent news.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 19:59, Reply)
Ignore my beration in the post below.
Aye, things are a bit cack at the moment. It'll get better, in time.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:02, Reply)
I've just had to look up croup because I've only ever heard of it in horses
Looks a bit shit but hopefully not overly serious.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:07, Reply)
Serious enough for the consultant to want to keep her in again. She's only 15 months old.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:17, Reply)
Hey, well
Fingers crossed chief.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:20, Reply)
Ta.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:24, Reply)
Fuck's sake, you were complaining the other day that my appearances on here were all too sporadic lately.
And yet here I am, whilst you are no doubt surfing your hotel movie channels for some right hand action whilst I fruitlessly try to engage you in conversation via the medium of pixels.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:01, Reply)
Went for a cig.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:14, Reply)

cig fag.

This is me implying you're more bent than a faulty boomerang.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:16, Reply)
Of course. So bent I have eventually straightened out again.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:18, Reply)
alright wankers?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:02, Reply)
I'm left handed, akshully.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:03, Reply)
This'll keep you amused.
www.youtube.com/user/MrLovejoy86/videos?view=0

Someone has uploaded every episode of Lovejoy to YouTube.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:02, Reply)
It's Jeff!
How the devil are you, Jeff? Still hanging out the back of your Doris?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:03, Reply)
Christ's sake, it's emptier than a Gary Glitter gig in here tonight.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:07, Reply)
I'm about to eat.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:08, Reply)
So am I, at some point in the next hour or so.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:10, Reply)
Alright Mr DG
Long time no see.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:08, Reply)
Aye, real life is keeping me away.
That, and daytime firewalls.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:08, Reply)
It's a troublesome scamp is reality
It certainly gets in the way of my life of desultory horseplay.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:11, Reply)
I'm guessing everyone is a way watching reality TV at the moment.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:12, Reply)
Oh my favourite!
I must dust off the TV and watch it at once. Whatever it is.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:14, Reply)
I'm a slebrity, I believe.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:15, Reply)
I can't say that my life is in every way fulfilled
But I'm not sure that watching that sort of shite will signpost a glorious path to enlightenment.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
I was almost tempted to watch it as a former Doctor Who is taking part,
then I saw sense.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:20, Reply)
Idols with feet of clay
etc.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:22, Reply)
I sincerely hope your daughter dies
X
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:08, Reply)
She will one day, quints.
*Adopts Richard Attenborough in Jurassic Park voice* I guarantee it
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:09, Reply)
if she doesn't make it we could all celebrate and call it dead-daughtersmas
And AA and rachelswipe and battered can have a grief-off to see whose loss was the worst
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:11, Reply)
Couple of people I know went out to wet the baby's head
after one of their friends had a miscarriage. They're not even b3tans.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:13, Reply)
seems like a lot of effort just to wet a baby's head

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:14, Reply)
I don't think the mother was involved in this shameful behaviour.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:15, Reply)
so they just poured old speckled hen on a used lillet?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:16, Reply)
That would be a collossal waste of Speckled Hen, quints.
Even they're not that heartless.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:18, Reply)
sorry, I'm too busy pouring Laphroig on my girlfriend's tampax to reply

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
Priorities, quints, priorities.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:22, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:16, Reply)
Lovely. Thanks so much.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:15, Reply)
I'll be honest here, I'd rather it was you dead
But as that doesn't seem likely I'll happily settle for one of your loved ones
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:17, Reply)
Xx

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:18, Reply)
He's so thoughtful, always thinking of others rather than himself.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
He's a true gent.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
It's alright, I'm here now.
If it's any consolation, famous erstwhile poster 'djtrialprice' had a ridiculous bout of croup as a toddler, and had a ride in an ambulance with the sirens going, and spent a week in an oxygen tent.

He turned out strong as a fucking ox, if slightly bent.

Have a fucking beer and chillout.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:15, Reply)
I am chilling out. Just would be better if I was there to help Mrs B.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:16, Reply)
you'd just be in the way
She'd keep tripping on you
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:18, Reply)
I'd look quite tall in the paediatric ward.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
you wouldn't be able to walk through there without stopping to write a wank story for every patient

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:20, Reply)

patient nurse.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:25, Reply)
I asked a nurse out once.
True story.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:28, Reply)
I had a gf for 4 years who was a nurse.
She would never let me fuck her whilst she was wearing her uniform. Gutted.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:30, Reply)

uni Body
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:31, Reply)
and that's another earworm.
You cunt.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:32, Reply)
I am married to an ex nurse.
I timed that one fucking badly.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:32, Reply)
I didn't realise she'd been a nurse. Didn't she keep the uniform?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:34, Reply)
I believe she did.
God knows where it is now.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:36, Reply)
Find it and get it dry cleaned.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:40, Reply)
*makes note*

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:52, Reply)
was it agaist policy for them to date psych. patients?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:30, Reply)
Dunno, she was a cardiology nurse.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:32, Reply)
She already had a boyfriend. Sad times.
The town I used to live in had a 'nurses night' on the last Wednesday of every month (because that was when they used to get paid). The pubs were utter carnage on those nights.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:34, Reply)

utter carnage brilliant
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:35, Reply)
There was that as well...
I had many a good night on those nights when my first marriage went tits up.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:37, Reply)
You're a pair of slags

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:37, Reply)
No longer. Happily married and loyal

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:40, Reply)


(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:42, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:44, Reply)
SHUT IT!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:44, Reply)
"Put your knickers back on and make us a cup of tea!"

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:50, Reply)
"We're The Sweeney and we 'ave'nt 'ad our breakfast."

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:55, Reply)
"Put your pants on. You're nicked!"

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:58, Reply)
No, it was my ex who was the slag,
and who thus forced me into monthly drinking bouts with a bunch of healthcare specialists who could probably find 100 things to do with a thermometer and a pair of rubber gloves.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:10, Reply)
I took a work colleague to a nurses night.
He had an utterly fucking brilliant time. It seems to have died a death recently, though.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:51, Reply)
I have a good friend who works for The Terence Higgins Trust.
I heard yesterday he's not well at the moment.

My remark of 'I hope it's not something he picked up at work' wasn't well received for some reason.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:54, Reply)
Pffft.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:55, Reply)
Nurses are mental on a night out
One of our friends is a Ward sister in A&E, New Year round their house is an absolute riot.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:54, Reply)
For a small town, on a week night
the pubs were absolutely stowed off*. It was a sight to behold.

*really rather busy.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:01, Reply)
Odd you should mention that.
A local drug dealer had something called 'Night Nurse'.

Mr Boots was ahead of his time.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:49, Reply)
She's probably getting on fine without you.



Seriously though, dude, hope everything goes okay.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:18, Reply)
Ta. Am sure it will.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
Why not do the Poznan to pass some time,

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:19, Reply)
Now I have 'do teh Bartman' in my head.
Thanks a bunch, flidnut.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:25, Reply)
He didn't do it

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 20:47, Reply)
Whoever it was who said that Dairy Milk with Oreo was a winner....
Well done. It's fantastic.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:04, Reply)
Fat cunt.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:04, Reply)
You tell 'im, Batts.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:08, Reply)
You asked for something interesting...
A mate of mine has an audition on Saturday to perform a song with the Levellers, on stage, in Manchester. Rock and fucking roll!
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:09, Reply)
Shame the weather looks shit.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:10, Reply)
It's Manchester, the weather's always shit.
in fact, when the locals ask what the weather's like, the default response is always "It's like Bristol City FC out there, mate".
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:15, Reply)
I was going for a 'Beautiful Day' joke.
:-(
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:15, Reply)
Too vague.
It's after nine on a school night; you need to paint a more vivid picture.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:17, Reply)
Well TD got it.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:18, Reply)
TD's got bum AIDS.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:19, Reply)
Not precisely
But I've been troubled by the ol' Farmer Giles a bit this weekend.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:21, Reply)
Even I spotted that one

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:17, Reply)
Excellent.
Tell him not to expect much cash for it if they go for it, as communists they have a policy of everyone being paid the same, from stage hands to technical directors, themselves and anyone else.

Kudos though nonetheless.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:11, Reply)
He'll be part of a crowd anyway, but they've asked him to take his harmonica along.
He's stupidly excited about it.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:13, Reply)
Evening all.
Has anyone provided the stupidity yet, or can I apply for this role?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:11, Reply)
Go on, then.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:12, Reply)
Shit, was I supposed to prepare something?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:14, Reply)
You're the default candidate, no prep required.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:15, Reply)
Phew.
Wait... What?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:16, Reply)
Just be stupid

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:18, Reply)
I can't work under this pressure.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:19, Reply)
You offered the stupidity
Where is it? The rest of us are eminently sensible.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:24, Reply)
It seems I am too stupid to effectively provide stupidity.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:27, Reply)
I feel like a foaming at the mouth Alabama creationist who voted for Romney.
Shit, man, you wuz gunna DELIVER us, man. Now I gotta burn an EFF-ER-GEE of you on the lawn. Again.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:32, Reply)
You need to say "Naked Ape" three times in the mirror

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:46, Reply)
You were a cert for the post.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:23, Reply)

er un
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:25, Reply)
Terrible bullying.
I've half a mind to gaz a mod.
One of the proper ones, I mean.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:28, Reply)
You called?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:30, Reply)
Alright Chalky, got any blues?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:39, Reply)
Ferdy!
I am a black dude with natty dreads.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:44, Reply)
What do you want, you old spunker, eh?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:48, Reply)

Chalky: This place gives me the shits, bloody nig-nogs everywhere. It's like bleedin' Calcutta around here.

Dave: Calcutta's in India.

Chalky:Yeah, West India; it's where they bleedin' come from, ain't it?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:50, Reply)
Kev: What, am I black or something?
Jimmy: Well you ain't exactly white in that sort of get up, are you?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:57, Reply)
BELL BOY!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:58, Reply)
I'll pay now. Got a pen, judge?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:01, Reply)
I've just seen Chalky. He's taken a right kicking!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:05, Reply)
Roger Daltrey has no influence here.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:30, Reply)
You killed me scooter!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:31, Reply)
Parka your arse over there and tell me your problems.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:32, Reply)
I thought you were going?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:33, Reply)
he can't get enough of us.
We're too irresistable.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:34, Reply)
I am.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:36, Reply)
One of mine is that I didn't shag Leslie Ash in a back yard in Brighton.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:34, Reply)
Waah waah waah

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:31, Reply)


(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:33, Reply)

waah
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:33, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=usGObvP42GM&sns=em
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:38, Reply)
Haven't heard that for a while
an unfashionable opinion, but he wasn't too bad, old George.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:45, Reply)
A perfect, understated guitarist.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:49, Reply)
And not a bad writer too
Have you seen the immense documentary?

It was on BBC4 a few months ago and I can't normally sit through a four hour programme, but I did with that.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:00, Reply)
No, I missed it when it was on
And again when It was repeated recently.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:02, Reply)
Worth it - well worth it.
I don't know Quadrophenia well enough to join in up there, I'm afraid.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:04, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHXoqBhqChk
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:06, Reply)
I'm not waiting two hours for TD to watch that.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:07, Reply)
hahaha

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:08, Reply)
I've seen it and I'm not watching the whole lot now you mong.
I can't remember all the lines well enough.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:07, Reply)
Oooh. Get you.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:09, Reply)
Yo momma too, and your daddy.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:09, Reply)
U.G.L.Y
You ain't got no alibi.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:10, Reply)
Well I'm not looking my best at the moment
but that was uncalled for.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:11, Reply)
I'm sure you're looking dashing.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:14, Reply)

look go d fl
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:14, Reply)
I'm dashing off for a smoke right now.
And then I may go to bed, I've got a long drive tomorrow.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:15, Reply)
How long?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:16, Reply)
It's not that long in the grand scale of things,
about 90 minutes. It's not that far, but it's all single lane roads hence why it takes that long to drive 50 miles. Pain in the arse.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:19, Reply)
What grand scale are you using?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:20, Reply)
The DG Scale of not really being arsed to drive 50 miles for a meeting Scale.
That's the problem with working in an incredibly rural county, though.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:22, Reply)
Fair enough.
But you'd get an hour and a half of radio.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:24, Reply)
Local radio discussions of the day's hot topics.
I might stick a Macc Lads CD in the the stereogram.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:43, Reply)
Yeah, I'm going to bed too.
G'night all.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:17, Reply)
*throws bottle of piss*

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:13, Reply)
Reading-tastic!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:14, Reply)
I was going to say that I have no idea what compelled me to post that...
/ strange mindpiss
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:11, Reply)

get stick
+ your mama too and your daddy.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:10, Reply)


(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:11, Reply)
*I like this*

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:12, Reply)
Well maybe Brian will become 'the standard'.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:13, Reply)
That's not very nice Jeff.
It was a shrug-off, not a stomp-off.

xxx
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:11, Reply)
Sorry TD.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:13, Reply)
Well I'll fuckin' tek yous all on
An' that fuckin' smirkin' snail.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:15, Reply)
Sounds like you are getting tired.....

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:17, Reply)
Boinggggggg

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:18, Reply)
I'd rather a joint.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:18, Reply)
It's a long drive from Bristol
But just imagine what I've got lined up right here...
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:20, Reply)
Your cock.
You massive bender.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:21, Reply)
This is not the first time I've been accused of gaylording.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:22, Reply)
What with you being the lord of the gays.
This comes as no surprise.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:24, Reply)
I'm going for a tab.
Take it to the left lower corner. You notice I avoided saying bottom there.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:25, Reply)
I think I might be going now, for a bit.
Laters.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 21:26, Reply)
apparently right, Hitler was a baddie

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:02, Reply)
I liked that bit when he grabbed Richie's testicles in a nutcracker.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:03, Reply)
Say you, say eek!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:05, Reply)
TD.
I'll bet he BUM sucks his tabs.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:27, Reply)
I'm no uphill gardener
I don't ride the chocolate speedway, or mine for chutney.

Why such cruel allegations?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:34, Reply)
It's written on the wall of the gents.
It says 'TD a bottom lover'.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:35, Reply)
Well it must be right then
Especially if it's in the BBC bogs
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:36, Reply)
Enough about that anyway TD, who am I to judge.
How are things anyway, work keeping you busy?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:37, Reply)
Very much so
There's a Russian fishing boat due to dock tomorrow.

85 blokes stinking of rotting fish and paying me with low denomination notes.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:40, Reply)
Just for the halibut!

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:43, Reply)
I said to the first one - "Russian?"
He said "Niet - I'm taking my time."
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:44, Reply)
How many houses/flats are you managing now?

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:45, Reply)
Still the same for my ownership
The business isn't management, it's contracted assessment.

Basically I provide inventories for letting properties and services (lets leave it at that) for landlords.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:50, Reply)
gis a job.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:51, Reply)
I'm seriously getting to the point at which I need some help.
I also have an exceptionally good business model which might work elsewhere on a franchise basis.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:53, Reply)
*Nods*

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 22:55, Reply)
Or do it for yourself.
There's probably a market in your area. Bedtime right about now but it's worked for me.

EDIT - Quick check on my professional body says only two companies on North Tyneside.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 23:00, Reply)
I'd probably be shit anyway.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 23:12, Reply)
evening

(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 23:11, Reply)

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