i thought god banned people from eating apples
isn't that the whole point of the bible, that he DIDN'T allow it?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:21, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

No, the whole point of the bible is approximately 1000 years of oppression of the masses.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:22, Reply)

religion is the opium of the masses my arse
opium is not the right word
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:23, Reply)

Hey, good point
You know what, I don't think this religion thing is all it's cracked up to be. There are too many questions.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:22, Reply)

I don't even believe in God.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:25, Reply)

Pfft
Yeah...right
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:26, Reply)

nah, really, this Dawkins fella wrote a different book, so I do what he says now

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:28, Reply)

Sorry, I only read Dr Seuss and Stephen King

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:30, Reply)

what about Dean Koontz?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:32, Reply)

Quiet you

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:35, Reply)

Bible my arse.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:29, Reply)

spanking or inserting?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:29, Reply)

Silly, 'Swipe
Bible for spanking, Koran/Talmud for inserting.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:30, Reply)

Bible for spanking, Guru Gr'anth Sahib for wanking.


That's how *I* was raiesed anyhow.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:32, Reply)

I see. A traditionalist.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:34, Reply)

Quite so *Brian Sewell face*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:34, Reply)

There's a face you'd never tire of punching.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

I like him.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:37, Reply)

That makes you a cunt.
Soz. I don't make the rules.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:41, Reply)

I ain't bibling NO ONE's arse

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:30, Reply)

So this lady walks into a shop, and she sees a magical dildo.
"What's so magical about the dildo?" asks the women, "Well, you give the magic dildo a command, and it'll do it. Make you come 6 ways 'till sunday, and it's already saturday". She buys it and takes it home.

She gets home, takes off her knickers, and goes "Magic Dildo ! Make me Cum like a madwomen" Suddenly the dildo levitates out the box, and goes right up her. She has the most amazing orgasam she's ever had, she's screaming the house down.

Little did she know, her husband was just putting the key in the door, when he heard her wife's throws of passion. He ran up the stairs and slammed open the bedroom door "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?" he yells. "YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK THAT PONCE IS RIGHT NOW".

She tells him to calm down and relax, "You see, I bought this Magic Dildo, you give it a command and it just does it. It's amazing ! There is no one else here, honestly babes, I wouldn't do that to you.... I love you".

"What the fuck? Are you kidding me? My arse, magic dildo, my fucking arse.".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

I loved that joke when I was 8.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:42, Reply)

I didn't realise they had jokes back in 1938.
Can I get your some ice for that sick BURN ?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:47, Reply)

Textbook.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:48, Reply)

*eats choccy biccie*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:47, Reply)

I heard that Tower Hamlets council banned apples so as not to offend Muslims.
That's what I heard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:26, Reply)

Haha

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:27, Reply)

Only British Apples.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:29, Reply)

lol
Hey Monty. I'm in that London in 2 weeks.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:29, Reply)

You shall be fed and watered like the KING you are.
And housed, should the need be.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:31, Reply)

Do you ever find yourself round my neck of the woods, Vindus?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:31, Reply)

There is only 1 of our pubs in Portsmouth,
The Smith and Wesson. I've only been once. But I might make a trip when the weather cheers up.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:34, Reply)

Nice friendly name, for a nice friendly town.
The best pub in Pompey is the Mother Shipton and when I say 'best' I mean 'best if you like having your teeth pulled out with pliers in the car park'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

That lovely little place was mentioned in Sky 1's "Britains Hardest Pubs"
So proud.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:37, Reply)

My Mrs is from Portsmouth.
She is the metaphorical equivalent of bringing a gun to a knife fight. Hold on, the other one, she brings guns to knife fights.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:39, Reply)

Is she from Portsmouth
or "from Portsmouth"?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

What's the diff?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:43, Reply)

Pompey birds are fucking awful
But not all girls from Portsmouth are pompey birds
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:49, Reply)

Pompey bird, innit.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:03, Reply)

Between that place and the Tricorn Centre you got yo'self a purdy liddle town, boah.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

Not anymore, the Tricorn's long gone
they pulled it down and replaced it with....another car park.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:41, Reply)

I thought it was a listed building for some insane reason

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:46, Reply)

You do that
and fucking give me a shout. Prick.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

last time I went to Portsmouth, none of you came to say hello.
Balders ducked out, Mano was busy and you were with your stupid family. I ended up having to go for a nice romantic meal in a lovely restaurant with ladypig, instead of a mini pompey bash.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:41, Reply)

None of that is my fault
Next time I won't be spending time with my family, that's for the sure
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:51, Reply)

is this some kind of advanced warning so monty can warn all the muslims?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:31, Reply)

They have 24h fatwa shops these days.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:33, Reply)

Decapitate you at the drop of a hat.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:35, Reply)

The police won't investigate either, which is handy.
They just don't care.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

The Old Bill are out catching real criminals.
Not all that brown honour killing shit.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:37, Reply)

They think 'acid attack' is a dance record from '88

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:39, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha.
Aciiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeed.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

I wish you weren't out to dinner this evening YOU SELFISH PRICK

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

I know. I am a terrible cunt.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:44, Reply)

Don't sell youself short. You are a quite jaw-dropping cunt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:45, Reply)

Apples dont feature in that part of the bible

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:51, Reply)