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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Fruit Woes II
Hartley Hare asks 'ever had any fruit woes? Tell us about your fruit woes'.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:50, 150 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
I'll start.
I once had a mildly disappointing satsuma.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:51, Reply)
Well you're never going to get the best quality when you scavenge your fruit about of the bins at the back of Lidl.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:56, Reply)
I had one recently that was bitter and the flesh in the middle was chewy
I'm telling you right now....I contemplated suicide.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:04, Reply)
Has it come to this?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:52, Reply)
i'm going to kill myself

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:53, Reply)
Should one of us gaz Poppet or something?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:55, Reply)
yes, but she's only got fifteen minutes

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:56, Reply)
Good luck getting a reply out of that lazy bogan in such a short amount of time.
The flamin' galah.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:57, Reply)
if she's not watching prisoner cell block h it'll be the sullivans

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:04, Reply)
Or 'The Young Doctors'
Hot damn that shit was dope.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)
that country truly has a rich televisual heritage

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
Was Sons & Daughters Australian?
You're right...they have had some TV gems* in the past.


*cancer
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:08, Reply)
It sure was!
And what a theme tune!
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:11, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4DQ7lWOw9I
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)
*punches air*

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)
Haha
I was so close!
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:15, Reply)
Yer, i've got the theme choon iin my head now :((

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:11, Reply)
Soooons and Daughteeeerss
Der der each other, der der something something and happineeeeeesss!
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)
Porkylips is on it now.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:57, Reply)
He wishes he was 'on it'.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:58, Reply)
He makes me feel a little bit ill

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:02, Reply)
...in a sexy way

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)
him and bartleby could give her a right good roasting

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)
She'll well outside his 'area of specialist interest' these days

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
Tee hee
fresh Mangoes are not really a fruit to try and eat at the desk
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:58, Reply)
I no longer have a desk but must sit in a team "neighbourhood"
Fucking stupid idea.

We get free fruit on Wednesday, but I'm never in on a Wednesday : (
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:01, Reply)
Woah, free fruit?
What sort of thing do they lay on?
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:02, Reply)
I'm going to a Google conference tomorrow morning
If I don't get free cumqauts and a Segway I'm gonna kick off.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:04, Reply)
Cumquat may Monty B

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
I don't get it

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
Have I ever had a cumquat?
I mean...I must have, right? Hmm...I wonder if I like them.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:07, Reply)
Oh you think they're just divine

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:08, Reply)
Phew....well that's a relief
Cheers Montz.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:09, Reply)
Bananas, apples, grapes, plums, tangerines, pears, all sorts really

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:04, Reply)
Nice
The only time free food gets thrown around at work is birthday cakes and a summer BBQ. I swear they're trying to kill us off.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
I'll bet when you're on your hols you eat it by the case.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1934385
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:08, Reply)
GOD YOU'RE SO THICK
How can you not get a reference to a Kellogg's Fruit and Fibre television ad from when you were about 6??? YOU MORON!!!!!
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:09, Reply)
WTN

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)
Sometimes I despair for that boy I really do.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:12, Reply)
What more can you realistically expect of a bent spastic though?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:12, Reply)
If only I was fucking ancient like you two eh?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)
39 is not ancient.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:23, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8ii_j4v5m0
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)
Good old 'Grant Mitchell'
What a career he's had.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:13, Reply)
You and he have something in common.
Both beaten up by ex girlfriends.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)
'Both really tough and cool', you mean.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:15, Reply)
'both having an unhealthy homo erotic interest in men in military uniforms' more like.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:18, Reply)
*tells more lies*

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:02, Reply)
Sweet, little ones?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:02, Reply)
Nope, BIG FAT WHOPPERS!

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)
The likes of which neither the internet, nor Fleetwood Mac, have EVER SEEN!

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)
PHWOARRRR

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
no.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:03, Reply)
Just saw your reply
Not good...I'm sure you'd be sad to see the back of it, but maybe a career change is in order? At the risk of sounding like my Dad, you're young enough to pull it off. So to speak.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:05, Reply)
Oh no what's happened?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)
They found Windy's meth lab in the basement of his pub

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:07, Reply)
Did they pin that murder on him too?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)
I'm not at liberty to say

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:16, Reply)
Sad times for the Oxford pub going massive.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:19, Reply)
Oh, it's a scene, man

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:35, Reply)
yeah,
I'm looking at where I can go with the skill set I have without taking a large pay cut.
Without any uni it's a little tough.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:24, Reply)
Once you've been working for more than a couple of years, in most cases university is irrelevant
It's not the hindrance you think it is, I reckon. Having some nebulous specialist knowledge of an academic subject (like I do) isn't worth shit compared with a proven track record of work.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:30, Reply)
I sympathise
Could you re-train while you work, maybe? Part time course or something? Depends what you want to do I guess.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:35, Reply)
maybe,
i've been looking at apprenticeships, but I'd have to work another job to keep my income at a sustainable level.
I mean, i could sell the house, buy a smaller house, and afford the pay cut, but i think ladypig wouldn't be happy.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:41, Reply)
No, that seems like a last resort
Any chance of working in a bigger place, where you can take a bit more of a back seat, but for the same money? Sorry, sounds a bit fantastic, but just a thought.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:46, Reply)
it's possible,
to be honest, my best bet is to get in with one of the colleges, get on a more settled rota, and then get in to the OU for something i really want to do. Although, this might all settle down in a couple of days and i just go back to doing what i've always done
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
Stop killing your patrons and it'll get better in time.
Stay strong hun x x
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)
If they learned to keep their mouths shut, maybe he wouldn't HAVE to kill them

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)
Red apples give me the fear
Oranges that when peeled are all pith
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:10, Reply)
I keep getting whifs of a nice moisturiser smell
but I've not got any on this morning.

Oh hang on, I've just realise, I had to wear Lynx this morning as I couldn't find my other deodorant.

As you were.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:14, Reply)
Lynx?
Nasty.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:15, Reply)
It's not as bad as you might think.
But I don't really like wearing scented deodorant generally.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:18, Reply)
I always wear unperfumed.
I bet you're glad to know that eh?
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:21, Reply)
Why do you have lynx in your house?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:22, Reply)
Christmas present from the in laws innit

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:23, Reply)
I got that too.
binned it the first chance I got.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:32, Reply)
Why do Al's in-laws get you a Christmas present?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:35, Reply)
Just how many b3tans did Al's inlaws give that shit to, then?
And why didn't they give me any?
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:36, Reply)
Stroke the new fragrance by lynx

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:37, Reply)
why did ANDREW MARR etc

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:37, Reply)
'cos he fucking stinks

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:37, Reply)
I GOT SOME FROM THEM TOO!!!!

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:37, Reply)
how old do they think you are?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:36, Reply)
They've heard his political views and made a guess that's he's about 15.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:36, Reply)
ZING!

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:37, Reply)
My in laws took me skiing for my Christmas present
I can only assume that Al's inlaws must hate him
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:38, Reply)
They're only human.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:38, Reply)
It's the fragrance du jour down at the Spires

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:25, Reply)
A grape killed my family

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:18, Reply)
* something about wrath *

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:22, Reply)
Come on guys!!!
Fruit woes, yeah? THINK! You must have something funny to tell.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:35, Reply)
i keep getting random needle like stabbing pains in my ear if that helps

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:36, Reply)
Brain tumour.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:36, Reply)
only in my brain is in my outer ear canal

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:38, Reply)
We can't rule this out at this stage.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:39, Reply)
You have a lychee in your ear.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:38, Reply)
Have you checked your ear for random needles?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:40, Reply)
I have no tales of woe to tell.
Fruit brings me nothing but joy.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:36, Reply)
*banana-in-tailpipe-lols*

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:37, Reply)
My missus wrote 'SURPRISE BANANA' on a banana and snuck it into my lunchbox once
I was quite surprised by it, so that could be a 'woe' sort of.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:39, Reply)
stop the internet
twosie has won
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:40, Reply)
I was going to post the photo I took of it
But I appear to have lost my fucking phone. WHICH ONE OF YOU PRICKS HAS MY PHONE?
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:41, Reply)
DISTRACTION BANANA

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:43, Reply)
'Sok, I found it, soz

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:43, Reply)
i lost my wallet twice in two days

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:45, Reply)
but did you get a banana?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:48, Reply)
Stay About from El Segundo

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:53, Reply)
Tony in work had GAY CUNT written on his

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:41, Reply)
Wow his wife really hates him eh

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:42, Reply)
Yep

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:43, Reply)
Woah
That's pretty agressive
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:44, Reply)
I bet it had been up her

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:42, Reply)
Yet she still managed to write on it
That is one talented minge
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:44, Reply)
fanny stamp-

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:46, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1934471
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
cranberries are fucking awful little hollow shits
cranberry sauce fooled me :(
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:39, Reply)
Proper cranberry sauce is fucking excellent

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:43, Reply)
I think secretly everyone hates pomegranate but no-one will admit it.
The juice is alright but those little sacs that cunts put in salads are fucking queer.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:44, Reply)
Pomegranates come under the "too much work for not enough reward" fruit umbrella

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:45, Reply)
I thought I liked pomegranate, so I bought one
It was awful
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:45, Reply)
pomegranate is good in cous cous
/Darth
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:47, Reply)
I heard once from a "mate" of mine *wink*
"He" got a melon because he'd heard that if you stick your peepee in it it feels funny. However, it was all cold and sticky.

"How much more awesome would this be if it was warm?" he thought.

So he chucked it in the microwave for a minute and burnt his bellend.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:46, Reply)
stick your finger in first.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:49, Reply)
Fruitplay

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:50, Reply)
i've got a coconut story.
But this isn't nut thread.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:48, Reply)
Terrible trolling here - you know full well that a coconut isn't a nut.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:49, Reply)
it worked.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
where?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
I imagine that nut thread could be just as successful as this one though.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:52, Reply)
i dunno, seems a little specific

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:53, Reply)
It could be widened to include tree nuts, ground nuts, legumes, etc.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:53, Reply)
Snickers?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:54, Reply)
I didn't think it was that funny.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:59, Reply)
god you're thick
Botanically speaking, a coconut is a fibrous one-seeded drupe, which is a fruit with a hard stony covering enclosing the seed
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:49, Reply)
I'll tell you who else has a one seeded drupe
I dunno like lance armstrong or someone
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
HITLER LOL!!!!

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:54, Reply)
I often buy a bag of fruit
eat one or two and then the rest go manky. :(
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:48, Reply)
Redcurrants last about 30 seconds before going mouldy

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:50, Reply)
best of all the currants

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
If you eat them in 29 seconds

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
They wouldn't be So Solid then

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:56, Reply)
Well if you will insist on filling up on Rustlers, you won't have room for fuit afterwards.

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:55, Reply)
Don't forget the takeout pizza

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 10:09, Reply)
watermelons are rubbish
I'm trying hard man
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:50, Reply)
incorrect
althought their seeds are annoying
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
polystyrene soaked in weak ribena

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:52, Reply)
Do you always get the pips under your foreskin too?

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:51, Reply)
THIS IS GOOD STUFF HERE

(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:55, Reply)
new (non-fruit based) thread.
you are welcome.
(, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:55, Reply)

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