Arsebiscuits
I am on step 20 of 25 in assembling my TV unit. It says I should have 4 short dowels left and instead I have 2 long dowels. Either I've fucked up at an earlier stage or they fucked up in the packing.

Dunno what to do now. If I had a saw I could cut them in half I suppose.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:09, 65 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Alright tLiC, what Polenta like?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:15, Reply)

polenta is fucking great!
Cook it soft instead of mash then leave the leftovers to dry out on a tray. Chop into big fat chunks and griddle
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:36, Reply)

Sporty!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:36, Reply)

Evening sir
I'm out for a wander with the dog having built both a fairy and a pirate garden for the kids
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:38, Reply)

You've taken a spade rather than your dog again haven't you.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

i cannot tell i lie
Yes
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

You built a fairy?
Is this like "My mother made me a homosexual"?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2044941
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:42, Reply)

I get the solid brick usually and slice it and grill
v nice, especially sprinkled with paprika.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

Buy some of the packet stuff you make up
Also works to crisp roasties
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:41, Reply)

I have seen that recommendation
or a packet of Taste The Difference polenta coated Roast Potatoes, one of the two.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:43, Reply)

First time i had polenta it was a dollop in a mushroom and red wine soup recipe
Amazing!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

Ma' does excelent roasties, she got the idea from nigella.
She boils them up a little bit, shakes them in a colendar so they fluff up, sprinkles with salonema (or whatever its called, the grain thing rather than the chicken desease), then bakes away.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:47, Reply)

semolina I'm guessing

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:54, Reply)

I rather like the idea of her sprinkling a bit of salmonella on them

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:58, Reply)

It would explain the wonky-guts.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:59, Reply)

Hah

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:39, Reply)

That's the one !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:39, Reply)

I think I might give it a shot tomorow, never had it before.
With a nice pork chop I reckon.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:47, Reply)

more butter and cheese than you think in it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:49, Reply)

Cool, I think you can make some kind of cake with it too, might give that a shot whilst i've got the ingredients.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:56, Reply)

Last Ikea purchase I made resulted in me putting my back out
And having to take a day off work.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:16, Reply)

How'd ya' bets come through today Jeff?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:18, Reply)

Sheffield Wednesday let me down.
Aside from that, the other 4 teams in my 5 team acca came in.

No win this week, but the season is but young.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:23, Reply)

Sweet, not bad at all. I quite like a punt on the big events to keep me interested.... Grand National, Olmypics, finals, stuff like that.
You ever play the roulette machines? I like those ones every blue moon.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:30, Reply)

Would rather have a punt on something that is less 'chance' than a ball and a wheel
But if in the casino and the cards have been kind, I'll often have a small punt on roulette if the going is good.

It's a very quick way to win or lose though, I'd rather have small bets on a 90 minutes match than a 30 second spin.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:32, Reply)

I won £800 on roulette in Madeira

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:37, Reply)

That's a result.
I hope you spent it on the cable car and then racing down again on one of those wooden sledge things.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:38, Reply)

i spent it on wine and prawns the size of horses

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:39, Reply)

Do you like a regular punt?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:41, Reply)

not at all, no
Casino was next to hotel
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:43, Reply)

That's a double result then.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

It was when next night I also won £350 more
I think that used up all my gambling luck
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:46, Reply)

I still hope you went on the cable car and rode down the hill on a sledge though.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:52, Reply)

i sadly did not

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:52, Reply)

There is next to fuck all to do in Madeira
Eat cake.
Go to that fancy hotel for afternoon tea.
Drink Madeira Wine.

And...

GO ON THE CABLE CAR AND GET IN A BADLY BUILT SLEDGE

And you FAILED. FAILED I TELLS YA.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:56, Reply)

Those prawns that take a good 3-4 bites are my favorite.
They do prawns at my local fishmongers that are the length of my forearm, but they're about £7 each.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:46, Reply)

I had two and it filled my plate
I had to send them back as I couldn't get the shells off them!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:47, Reply)

Hah, niiice.
This'll sound gross, but sucking the head is really nice on those.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 22:00, Reply)

Yeah', I guess when you bet, what you're paying for is the thrill of winning/losing, so the longer you prolong that, the more value you're getting..... weather you win or lose.
With roullette that could be over too quick if you want to spend an afternoon gambling.

I guess it's a bit like downing shots of something like Aftershock compared to a glass of wine.

Not sure if that makes sense.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:44, Reply)

I have been sweating like a 70s DJ hearing a knock at the door Jeff
Still, hard work never killed anyone! Except all those people who had heart attacks while overstraining. And all those jews.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:42, Reply)

I think my general answer, on being bamboozled by flat-pack furniture, is - what would Jesus do?

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:28, Reply)

He is the son of a carpenter, he'd have picked up a few tips along the way.
The chances are his garage is full of dowels and screws, he'd get it built in no time.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:34, Reply)

He'd have made a proper one
None of this Ikea shit for Jesus.

Oak frames and walnut insets, I reckon, unless they were the burning ones.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:38, Reply)

He'd have saved the MDF for his cross.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

A cross with a cream formica veneer is a far more classy way to be crucified

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:42, Reply)

The breakfast bar was too far though

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:44, Reply)

On reflection, I'm perhaps not sure that Jesus WAS actually crucified on a selection of MFI kitchen units.

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:51, Reply)

Not at THOSE prices!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:52, Reply)

"Surely, Pilot, we can nail him up cheaper than that?"
YES YOU CAN! At the Wickes kitchen, bathroom and big cross sale!
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:55, Reply)

I don't think they had planes back then.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:57, Reply)

If he was called Pontious Pilot, why didn't he have a plane?
Are you saying I spelled it wrong?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:00, Reply)

I have emailed Ikea
but they're going to take up to 5 working days to get back to me. In the meantime I have a 3/4 assembled Expedit TV unit on my living room floor.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

I suspect that their response will be
"You are a terrible mongy". Now you have a fine collection of beech veneered MDF. Make of it what you will.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:49, Reply)

I'd quite like to make a TV unit out of it.
to be honest I'm not 100% sure these dowels are strictly necessary, it's a vertical back bit so not load-bearing and there's some bolts it slots onto that'd probably do.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 20:56, Reply)

Do you have a hammer? Do you have nails? Do you not have much patience?
Done.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:02, Reply)

Nope and nope.
I've been using an old saucepan.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:33, Reply)

That's my sort of DIY
AND you can wear it on your head afterwards.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:36, Reply)

I'd probably just give up and then ask the internet whilst getting drunk

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:00, Reply)

I'd say that he has
If he lays a big turd on it we may have a Turner Prize winner.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:05, Reply)

I've just got the back bit and the top to go, it's frustrating.
I'm going to have a sandwich and watch some telly. OH WAIT THERES NOTHING FOR MY TELLY TO SIT ON
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:25, Reply)

Just watch it at an angle
Whenever Anne Robinson comes on her mouth will seem to be straight.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:30, Reply)

I've just attempted to make a carrot cake, it's in the oven now, i don't think i've made a cake before.
I made it up as I went along
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:40, Reply)

Well I can't see that ending badly

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:59, Reply)

Hah, I have no possible idea of what could go wrong.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:59, Reply)