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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I think Phil should've ordered his wife's birthday present sooner than the day before her birthday.
Or do what I do and just let her buy it herself.
What are you lot getting my missus for her birthday?
It's next month so you've plenty of time.

Alt: I don't really like cheese and onion crisps, but I find a perverse pleasure in eating them, akin to smelling your own bad farts.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:33, 123 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
A b3ta account
Alt: okaaaaaay......
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:34, Reply)
a divorce
alt: me neither. they smell like tramp's feet. but I do like the fancy ones, eg goats cheese and chilli jam flavour.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:34, Reply)
Next poster for the divorce train^

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:35, Reply)
^HAVING A SHIT^

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:36, Reply)
I am as well!
It's like a fucking loaf of bread

>_<
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:37, Reply)
good god, man

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:38, Reply)
One of those ones with nuts in

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:42, Reply)
Squeeze Nakers, SQUEEZE

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:39, Reply)
I hope you literally shit your guts out

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:40, Reply)
lol plops lol

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:54, Reply)
It's a good job for PJ that his wife isn't a copper.
She'd have thrown the book at him for this.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:35, Reply)
Cheese and onion are the worst of the standard flavour crisps
I know this is something al agrees with on
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:36, Reply)
Crisp chat always makes for a good debate on here

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:38, Reply)
Al is a cunt.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:10, Reply)
A ball of string or a mirror.
Either will keep the dozy cow amused for hours.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:38, Reply)
Nah, she finds mirrors too confusing and I always have to rescue her from balls of string.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:41, Reply)
If you stand her facing a wall
does she just switch off?
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:42, Reply)
I wish
I'll give it a try tonight anyway
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:45, Reply)
Try throwing a blanket over her head.
Fools them into thinking it's night, so they just go to sleep.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:46, Reply)
A sense of smell and the other half of her wit, so she can detect the stench of your addiction and stage an intervention to save you!
Hallelujah!
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:43, Reply)
God bless her anosmia and low IQ!

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:45, Reply)
A poo in a bag
I mean who doesn't like a poo in a bag?
I am getting your missus her yearly orgasm,

Alt, I don't really like crisps as I am older than 12.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:44, Reply)
I ordered it a while back but they're hand made by the designer and she makes 90% of her stuff for celebrities
so I contacted her a couple of days ago and she got it prioritized and sent it out yesterday.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:45, Reply)
I'm sure she'll understand

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:46, Reply)
Yeah, if there's one sure thing about women, it's that they are completely reasonable.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:47, Reply)
A plus point is you've got to be giving something to take it away
so it's not like Peej'll get punished for it.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:47, Reply)
I have explained the situation and she's either OK or plotting but she seems happy.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:47, Reply)
Oh man just fucking run
don't look back don't stop to pick anything up just fucking run like the wind
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:49, Reply)
^

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:49, Reply)
I for one will be keeping my eye on the Cornish press for the next few days
"Mysterious meat products found on beach"
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:51, Reply)
Ahahahaha she just called out "Phil have you got any really heavy books?"
I swear its true hahahaha turns out the rug corner is sticking up and she wants to pt a book on it but I did flinch for a second. I was a tad concerned she had discovered b3ta
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:03, Reply)
Allowing his wife to read his comments on b3ta certainly turned out well for Battered, didn't it?

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:05, Reply)
You wouldn't catch me making such a rookie mistake.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:07, Reply)
No way man,
Only a fucking idiot would do that...
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:09, Reply)
don't call me "that"

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:09, Reply)
Dont call me baby

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:11, Reply)
Yep the rug corner...
Hang on... do you wear a syrup?
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:08, Reply)
Running's going to be difficult whilst he's hauling a pair of spacehoppers around in his pants.
He's doomed.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:52, Reply)
of course she is
only an ungrateful mentalist would be cross with you for buying a thoughtful and expensive present and taking a day off work to stay in for it.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:54, Reply)
"ungrateful mentalist"
So a women then?
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:58, Reply)
^ *Is going for a Friday misogyny award*^

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:59, Reply)

ungrateful mentalist

Woman
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:59, Reply)
says the man with the nicest, most hilarious missus on the planet!
(apart from frog)
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:05, Reply)
^^Will do anything for a gobble

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:58, Reply)
alroght

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:47, Reply)
lol wot?

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:49, Reply)
I dunno lol

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:49, Reply)
^

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:49, Reply)
cheese and onion crisp plus salt and vinegar crisp = pickled onion crisps

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:52, Reply)
NEU WAI!!!

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:53, Reply)
Kettle chips/ Tyrells or GTFO
Marmite crisps are nice too.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:55, Reply)
^ always the Marmite motorway with your lot isn't it.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:58, Reply)
tell that to your sick mind!

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:59, Reply)
An abortion.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:56, Reply)
I don't think she has any intention of carrying your child to full term anyway

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:57, Reply)
It'll have a can of lager in it's hand and a fag in the other by 7 months.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:59, Reply)
Yeah, like Stunned's diabetes, circulation problems and drink and drug habits have made it possible for him to achieve and erection in the last ten years.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:00, Reply)
Ask your mum/little sister/female relative (something about their promiscuity and liking for rectal humping).

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:04, Reply)
and his wife
up against the wall of his precioussssssssss sheds
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:06, Reply)
Like trying to thread a needle with a uncooked Walls', I heard.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:07, Reply)
Are walls making cocktail sausages now?

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:08, Reply)
like trying to dip a half cooked oven chip in a poached egg was how he put it

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:08, Reply)
Hahahaha

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:11, Reply)
Play snooker with a rope

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:12, Reply)
It's like having a large wardrobe fall on you with the key still in the lock.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:15, Reply)
This was a description of a politician by his mistress wasnt it?
Cant remember which one though
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:20, Reply)
John Prescott.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:31, Reply)
A kid derived from your and Mrs Tangles' DNA
would look like it had lost a fight with Worzel Gummidge and Medusa.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:25, Reply)
A nice necklace.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:03, Reply)
Pearl?

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:10, Reply)
But an expensive pearl necklace would soon get ruined every time I ejaculate over her neck and chest

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:15, Reply)
A beginners mistake

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:19, Reply)
some jewellery by Butler & Wilson.
Westwood if she noshes me off.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:04, Reply)
elizabeth duke.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:07, Reply)

+Tim if she
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:09, Reply)
officelol

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:14, Reply)
Eddie the Eagle is being interviewed by Martin Lewis (the MoneySavingExpert guy, I think thats his name)....
anyway, apparently after tax, last year he only earnt after tax £24k. lol.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:10, Reply)
24k for doing fuck all... Not bad.
Oh no, he did that Splash show.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:12, Reply)
That's not fair on him at all, he done that "giant inflatable obsitcal course that's set in a swimmingpool with the foam'n'shit" show, and he won it 'n all.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:23, Reply)
Celebrity Wipeout?
Well that covers it then.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:25, Reply)
That's the one.
He said he's never turned down a public apperance, and new shopping malls are opening up all the time; I reckon that'd make the bulk.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:27, Reply)
You can only dream of that sort of cash.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:12, Reply)
*Breaks out the fiddle and climbs the roof*
If I was a rich man a lah-de-dah-deee-dahh.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:27, Reply)
That's double what Dozer got.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:14, Reply)
An anal prolapse.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:13, Reply)
Nah, I've got curry for lunch.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:14, Reply)
I have Amstel.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:14, Reply)
+ Simon
+ 's cock in my arse...


*Yawns*
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:15, Reply)
Rajasthan 1 and then tonight I am out at the nice mexican on St Martins Lane.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:18, Reply)
I dislike Mexican food.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:20, Reply)
It's nice if it's relatively authentic and not the shit you get in Chiquitos on Leicester Sq.
Chimmichangas etc can get to fuck.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
I didn't like the food in Mexico, let alone the stuff here.
Chiquitos used to be a client of mine. I used to dread having lunch meetings in one of their restaurants. Yuck.
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:26, Reply)
i've got a small child
better go to itsu first, or I might eat its head, i'm so fucking hungover
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:15, Reply)
I will be pissed by 3pm today.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:16, Reply)
Nah, just ask her what she wants then go and buy it in plenty of time

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:15, Reply)
Are you trying to seduce my wife?

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
+ again

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
I would like to take this moment to remember our fallen comrade
Phillie Joe, Since his book confession above he hasn't posted he must be in the great harbour in the sky... RIP
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:17, Reply)
I feel sorry for the kids
Who will raise little Lufthansa Arachnid and Hydrogen Woodstain now?
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:19, Reply)
I will.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:20, Reply)
STOP THINKING OF THE KIDS.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
I'M THE DADDY NOW!

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:24, Reply)
He said raise, not abuse

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
You lot are such killjoys.
WHERE'S DADDY'S FUN?
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:23, Reply)
He's with Monty now.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:21, Reply)
WIV DA ANGLES

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
I am seeing Boyce later.

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
can you give him a dead leg from me?
I would say dead arm but hey you know,
(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:22, Reply)
Hahahaha

(, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 12:24, Reply)

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