Non Rivet Thread
So, McBeef had sorted his finances round and paid off his mortgage. Tell me tales of such unlikely endings please

I had to once again bagpipe my gay dog as he was tapping on the back door with a pair of birds feet sticking out of his mouth. What odd things have you been up to this week?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:20, 78 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

YM!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:21, Reply)

Obviously

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:22, Reply)

i liked my rivet story :(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:23, Reply)

It was riveting!!!111!!!!!!111!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:24, Reply)

No, yours was good.
Mine and Kroneys were not
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:27, Reply)

Birds' feet you say?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:25, Reply)

haha!
Nice
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:26, Reply)

you disgust me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

I like the verb "bagpiping" - I had to read to the end to figure out what it was - wonderfully descriptive.
This week I have been mainly doing battle with existentialism and trying not to commit suicide.

As usual.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:30, Reply)

It's a battle you're doomed to lose.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:32, Reply)

I hope so.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:44, Reply)

I assume it means squeezing the dog's gut whilst blowing in its ear.

( Kroney, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:42, Reply)

"ear". Yeah.
Sportscow's all about the ears.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:44, Reply)

I had an existensial crisis yesterday.
It was triggered by seeing this in a bit of code I was working on:

/*If we've got here, then something has gone wrong*/
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:29, Reply)

A skinny, greasy haired, gawky kid with terminal acne grew up to marry an attractive but mental bookthrower.
This week I have been up to my nuts in guts, YM's guts that is.
( Peej, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

when did you start putting on so much weight?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

how could a kid with a "terminal" condition "grow up"?
your story does not check out.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

thumbs up cancer kids forever in r hartz/fb feeds

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:37, Reply)

Naked Ape sticks his thumbs up cancer kids' cunts

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:38, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2282432
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:39, Reply)

our IT department fixed the outlook/document management system failure so swiftly that we were not disturbed at all and could carry on with our work
oh wait. that didn't happen. my mistake.

hahaha poor gay dog. he's a bit useless.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

A bit useless would be an improvement

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:34, Reply)

Straight would be an improvemnet

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:35, Reply)

I thought 'bagpiping' was a deviant sexual act?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

it is

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:34, Reply)

sportscow fucks dogs?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:34, Reply)

No, he bagpipes them

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:35, Reply)

This was a more literal version
I had him under one arm and squeezed until he dropped the bits of bird

As opposed to the last time when he was choking and I improvised a Heimlich maneuver to stop him from suffocating
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:35, Reply)

i assume he was scavenging carrion rather than hunting live birds

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:37, Reply)

He's FAR to gay too kill a bird

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:38, Reply)

How could this kill anything?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:43, Reply)

That dog looks so gay I bet he comes out with contented little squeaks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:45, Reply)

Only when being bagpiped

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:49, Reply)

he's so pretty

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:00, Reply)

+vacant

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:03, Reply)

he has very short legs
is he a cavalier?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

Its an odd angle
His legs are quite long
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:19, Reply)

ah ok
he looks like he's half dachshund in that pic!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:31, Reply)

He looks like a furry penguin with a mask on

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:34, Reply)

does he have a gay high pitched bark?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:37, Reply)

Actually, no

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:40, Reply)

improvised a Heimlich maneuver to stop him from suffocating poked a finger up its bum
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:37, Reply)

a finger my willy
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:37, Reply)

I thought it was the least he could do

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:38, Reply)

Cats are superior creatures.

( Kroney, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:46, Reply)

by far the superior species

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:48, Reply)

superior cunt
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:51, Reply)

barrie.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=363985&playlistId=1.1821728&binId=1.1272429&playlistPageNum=1
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:12, Reply)

I'm always worried a male cat owner will push me against a wall and try and kiss me on the lips.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:32, Reply)

battered has cats
dozer is getting a cat
stunned has a cat
geordiejay has a cat

your thesis has been scientifically proven
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:33, Reply)

i can't smell or taste anything at all now
will it come back??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Have you got a cold or something?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:03, Reply)

no, i'm dying of a nasal virus, it HURTS ME :(

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

Well maybe you could die a bit more quietly?
FFS Swipe, it's a fucking cold. M, and indeed S, TFU.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 15 May 2014, 11:14, Reply)

She's a fucking idiot.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:20, Reply)

You know what Batts? I think you might be on to something here...

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 15 May 2014, 11:28, Reply)

HE ASKED!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:31, Reply)

I suspect that Sporters was perhaps being sarcastic
as you've rattled on about nothing else (apart from your massive foodwrongliness) all fecking week.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 15 May 2014, 11:32, Reply)

mcshush

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:34, Reply)

I imagine that with your nasal woes, you probably sound like Frank Sidebottom.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 15 May 2014, 11:50, Reply)

I did
Drink some orange juice and STFU
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:32, Reply)

i had orange juice and a handful of raw nuts for breakfast
i couldn't taste them. wah wah wah.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:34, Reply)

something something meatsnake something teabagging

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:36, Reply)

that's what got me into this mess

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:37, Reply)

Have bacon.
It's a much better breakfast option.
( Muns, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:47, Reply)

oh dear god no
satan's arse is made of bacon. revolting stuff.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:48, Reply)

Typical muslim mindset.

( Muns, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:51, Reply)

It's ok if you eat it with a soup ladle.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 15 May 2014, 11:51, Reply)

No

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:03, Reply)

Feed Froggie some asparagus and/or pineapple tonight. That should sort it.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 15 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

Heh heh

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:11, Reply)

Following on from the Jurassic Park theme
This is fucking excellent:

Click here you pedantic cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:20, Reply)

link fail

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:23, Reply)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf5BYojguoI
( Peej, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:27, Reply)

Its a horse, right?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:30, Reply)

Still would

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:34, Reply)

Nice link description!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:32, Reply)

I thought so

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 May 2014, 11:33, Reply)