I'm doing some research into the pub trade. I'm having a wander round the local juicers. What makes a good pub, iyho? I realise I'll have to knock the drinking on the head when we take the place.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:10, 27 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

You should get a chef in and turn it into a gastro pub.
All the rage now, you know.
( Kroney, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:12, Reply)

Cheap quality lager, wall to wall clunge, cubicles with flat surfaces and lockable doors, jukebox, garden, outside heaters, no queers, no kids, no 'pretentious gastro-pub food', late licence
Signs in the windows advertising 'SPECIEL OFERRS'
Most importantly: A camping fax stove for outdoor catwring
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:13, Reply)

And karaoke!!!!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:16, Reply)

Rolf Harris covers all night long!

( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:17, Reply)

Until thunder rise!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:19, Reply)

You're barred.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:23, Reply)

It's okay I have been to 'under new ownership' pubs before that have closed in six months, so I can imagine what it will be like.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:27, Reply)

You should have knocked the drinking on the head when you were a "doctor" tbh.
The pub will depend on what type of yokels you have living in the surrounding areas/ cultures.
Try to find a gap in the market.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:17, Reply)

Low lighting, minimal noise, surly bar staff and no strangers.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:17, Reply)

A landlord who doesn't drink his own beer tells you the beer is shit.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:17, Reply)

It's a cask place, so I'll still be sampling. Just knock the long boozing on the head.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:22, Reply)

Christ. Now he wants to be a music producer.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:23, Reply)

A landlord with personality helps.
Good luck.
( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:18, Reply)

A good selection of proper ales
Someone who knows how to keep a cellar, variety. A selection of simple but high quality foods (doesn't need to be a massive menu but does need to be good)
A well kept smoking area, outside seating/ pub garden.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:19, Reply)

Adjoining female and mens toilets, with reasonably placed glory holes.

( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:21, Reply)

Unisex toilets are great!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:26, Reply)

I hope you've applied for your entertainments license.
On of the bars I worked in had to put signs all over their dance floor saying "No Dancing", which people obviously ignored.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:27, Reply)

Thanks for that, Kevin Bacon.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:28, Reply)

Is this a Footloose joke?
I've never seen it.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:29, Reply)

Well, if you ever meet Stunned he might show you.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:30, Reply)

You don't go to many not-necessarily-gay pubs so you?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:28, Reply)

If it hasn't got music and dancing, Im not interested.
After 7pm anyway.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:30, Reply)

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't associate pubs with dancing.
Unless it's 'the dance of the morris'.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:31, Reply)

You've not been to many gay bars then.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:36, Reply)

I differentiate between pubs and bars

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:37, Reply)

All goes down the same way in my experience...

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:41, Reply)

Only having warm Fosters on tap
Each pint should smell slightly of farts and dead rat
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:30, Reply)

Served with a splash of lemonade. Just a splash.
IT'S NOT A TOP OKAY!?!??!!
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:32, Reply)

Draft Coors
is that pint.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:36, Reply)

Celebrity guests always bring the punters in.
Try getting convicted celeb paedophiles in, for that extra wow factor!
( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:33, Reply)

A good selection of snacks is essential.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:39, Reply)

not listening to a word this lot say
that's a start
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:39, Reply)

Surely alcoholics would be the best people TO listen to?
After all, they're the target audience?
( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

Always have enough good beer and clean lines.
Bollocks to all the theme nights and karaoke and steak night and shit (except your curry night, that's different) just keep the beer properly and keep the lines clean and you'll get punters. There is so much shit beer around.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:40, Reply)

this^
A good pint is fucking wonderful. Beer tastes nicer in pubs
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:41, Reply)

Oh boy if only that hadnt been said earlier.
jelly.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2326658
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

Yeah, but I'm an expert.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:50, Reply)

It certainly seemed more credible coming from you

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:52, Reply)

I agree

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:55, Reply)

COW 39, IN AGREEING WITH OTHER POSTER SHOCK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:53, Reply)

Yeah well.... erm
yeah.... neeeerrrrrrrrrr bumface
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:56, Reply)

Good selection of ales (clean pipes are essential), beer garden, not overly expensive

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:41, Reply)

I wonder if he knows how to clean pipes.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:42, Reply)

YM certainly cleaned my pipes last night

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

Actually, I wonder if he knows how to keep ale.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

Hang on, have you got a personal licence?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:41, Reply)

This cunt failed getting a telly license

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

It's a serious question, needs to do an exam and is subject to a CRB check.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:50, Reply)

I know, but the good doctor was never a doctor so I doubt he's opening a pub any time soon.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:58, Reply)

Have a customised tampon vending machine installed in the womens.
When 10p is inserted, pressurized air should fire the tampon vertically upwards into the ready, open and waiting minge.
( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:42, Reply)

hahahaha

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

also a few of these dotted around the place
www.iflscience.com/technology/automatic-sperm-extractor-introduced-chinese-hospital
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:45, Reply)

They've automated the gloryhole.
Not cool.
( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:47, Reply)

I'll take two

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:47, Reply)

me and you?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:51, Reply)

a jukebox is paramount

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:43, Reply)

Depends on the selection of records in it

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:44, Reply)

The Greatest Hits of T'Pau
Chas N Dave
Vera Lynn
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:49, Reply)

That'll do

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:52, Reply)

White China in your rabbit Dover

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 13:53, Reply)

I'll be honest, I can't fucking wait to see your business plan!

( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 14:06, Reply)