It started like this...
At the footy on Sunday I had a lovely pie. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So, I decided to ring the ground and ask the brand of pies they sell. It is Clayton Park Pies, based in Accrington. I rang Clayton Park and asked if they supply to any shops near me. She didn't know but said she'd speak to the driver.

The lady from the distributors rang me this morning to say I should be able to find some in the market and in various convenience stores dotted about the city. I am happy.

I'm often ringing people to tell them i like their products, or (for example) emailing Chewits and asking why they've stopped making Fizzy Chewits. I even emailed SlimFast years ago to ask how Barry Bethel was. They replied and said he was well and still slim. I wish I hadn't asked them now. I hope I haven't cursed Clayton Park Pies with paedo-ism too.

What's the weirdest request you've made when contacting a company by phone or email?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:25, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't know if it's a weird request, or just one on the grounds of good taste,
but it amused me when my father, who is not normally the sort to write letters of outrage to broadcasting companies, wrote to the BBC asking them to remove Gyles Brandreth from the air.

But good on you for seeking pie. I'd like to imagine that these companies might actually be quite pleased to receive a positive comment, in amongst the deluge of letters telling them that they might as well give up making foodsutffs and just shit in their hands and smear that inside a used Chinese takeaway tub, before selling it on to customers at a hugely inflated cost. Not that I have written such a letter to anyone.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:27, Reply)

I once phoned MTV
to tell them to tell Zane Lowe to stop talking over the 100 greatest music videos.
There was nobody there, but I spoke to a very nice security guard who sympathised with me.

I then sent a follow-up email saying "Don't tyou ever allow that vowel-less cunt to talk over music videos ever again. He is NOT Beavis or Buttead."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:30, Reply)

Ha!
Brilliant. I'd be tempted to phone up MTV and just ask them to stop Zane Lowe talking for good.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:31, Reply)

^This is a good idea
but the same goes for Alex Zane
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:31, Reply)

Perhaps we should propose that MTV
do a cleverly-named merger called "Alex Zane Lowe."

This hideous gestalt could result from a team of butchersb3tans with knives chopping these sufferers of verbal diarrhoea into their component parts and stitching them into some hideous entity that could just wave its many arms and point at the music videos as they came on.

It would have no larynx.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:35, Reply)

I'll get on the blower
and see if that security guard still works there. I reckon he'd a be a useful accessory.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:39, Reply)

I misread that as "Alex Zane Love"
and started to imagine myself raping his face til he suffocated on cock and custard.

Not that I'd do that or anything
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:39, Reply)

Both Zanes need to be told.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:34, Reply)

...and Holly Willoughby and that irritating mong Fearne Cotton
Get a proper name, you mong-nosed hobo toucher
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:35, Reply)

Ah, yes
Two presenters who are both quite nice to look at.

And then they open their mouths...

...and you can feel it shrivelling in your hand.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:37, Reply)

Good god no
one of them has a nose like a club foot, and the other has a spazzy mouth you wouldn't want to put your balls anywhere near.

I'm the fussy sort
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Hey, hey
my flatmates refuse to split the cost of pay-per-view pr0n channels and we've got no interweb connection at home just yet. I'm making the best of what I can get...perhaps I should go fishing again...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:47, Reply)

You're right, TV is sadly lacking attractive women these days
what's happened to them all? Are they all on the internet pretending to be sweaty lummoxes?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:49, Reply)

I wish I could say that I was an attractive woman
and was simply masquerading as a sweaty lummox on the interweb for the fun of winding people up.

I wish.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:56, Reply)

*adjusts tie*
Well, hello there you gorgeous young thing

*brushes dust off your shoulders and begins stroking your hair neck and face*

*raises eyebrow*

How about it?

*extends crotch*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Well, as long as you're not put off by my stubble...
*gobbles*
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:02, Reply)

Sometimes my Mrs has a stubbly snatch
so when I'm going down on her I have to pretend I'm snogging my step dad.

Blech
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:04, Reply)

That Melissa Porter used to be fit
But I've gone off her. It's all an act.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:57, Reply)

I just looked her up
and I STILL don't know who she is
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:59, Reply)

She's going to end up like Jayne McDonald if she's not careful

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:07, Reply)

But who is she?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:08, Reply)

She does property shows and that
and her personal website smacks of "single and desperate".
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:10, Reply)

I saw the website
it really does scream 'my ovaries are still working! -somebody impregnate me before I go menopausal'

But I still don't know of any shows she's done
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:12, Reply)

Get a New Life
Escape to the Country
Can't remember anything else. I also thought she was from the midlands, but she's not. She's so fake.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:17, Reply)

I agree!!
Kill them all! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:41, Reply)

To death
in the face
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:45, Reply)

Yup!
Or rather 'to the pain' like in The Princess Bride!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:48, Reply)

I'd like to force them into a pair of jeans so small and tight
that all of their major organs explode out of their noses
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:50, Reply)

Ooooh
thats a good one!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:51, Reply)

You know the QOTW post I mentioned yesterday?
b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/post525264

Click it, click it NOW
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:54, Reply)

I have clicked!! :D
Here is mine... b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/post524391
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:57, Reply)

Ahhh.... that's a cute story, you're too nice to be here

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:00, Reply)

Meh
I have evil tendencies, no one had pissed me off enough to see them yet... thats not an offer by the by!! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:09, Reply)

Sounds like an attempt at provocation to me
I'll get things started, I think you've got hair like Melanie Griffith's armpits
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:11, Reply)

Ha-haaa
Nope its not that easy I'm afraid!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:23, Reply)

Don't you have a nemesis?
Surely they should be pissing you off.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:46, Reply)

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN
Here I is!
*pokes flinge-flange in the eye*

EDIT: She's yeller
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:48, Reply)

*puts down fizzy haribo*
I ain't yeller...
*squints like Clint Eastwood*
*casually flicks away cigar*
*points into the distance*
*roota looks*
*twangs roota on the nose*
*legs it*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:01, Reply)

I'm going for lunch
To get my strength up. You better watch out, yeller ass.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:02, Reply)

That's right
keeeeeeeep walkin'
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:09, Reply)

Give Haribo
please
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:05, Reply)

The little Tesco
near me has the tangfastics on BOGOF! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:08, Reply)

I want the Star Mix and Kiddie Mix
Children never get into my van when I have the Fangtastics
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:14, Reply)

a better execution than when I made one long ago
good job.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:05, Reply)

I made mine yeeeears ago
but lost the original photos, so that's a bit of a reconstruction
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 12:07, Reply)

I've never done this, though I've been tempted to
you need to find better things to do with your time, like fishing, or masturbation
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:29, Reply)

The great thing about fishing and masturbation
is they needn't be mutually exclusive.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:30, Reply)

That depends on the size of your rod

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:30, Reply)

Fnar fnar
But think about it - if you're crap at fishing, that gives you plenty of hours with your rod in the water, waiting for a nibble. You might as well settle in with some photos of your mum and crack a few out.

Or, if you're good at fishing, you can build up a nice head of steam and just attach the rod to your...um...rod, so that the fish can tug on it and finish you off.

Anyone else like the idea of being wanked by a fish?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:32, Reply)

They have teeth

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:33, Reply)

So my dick's got to fit

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:33, Reply)

I hear lampreys have a powerful suck on them

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:36, Reply)

Owies

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:41, Reply)

I've done it many a time
but all it earned me was freezer burn and a lifetime ban from Morrisons
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:33, Reply)

Pescatarian Necrophilia?
_{I'm just trying to make it sound classy...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:41, Reply)

I'm going to ask for my job title to be changed to that

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:45, Reply)

I masturbate enough
but I would like to go fishing again.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:31, Reply)

Enough is never enough
MOAR
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:32, Reply)

*books fishing lessons*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:36, Reply)