So which famous person would play you in a film about your life?
I can't think of one but someone who was a mixture of Brigette Neilson and Kathy Burke would play me.
( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:53, 103 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

John Simm.
Cheeky chap.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:55, Reply)

I'd like to say Zooey Deschanel (because they always use someone better looking)
But it would more likely be Jessie Wallace.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

That's a little harsh
I imagine you more as the evil henchwoman from Die Hard With a Vengeance.

Who'd play me? I would, nobody else could do me justice

EDIT Actually scratch that, I want to be played by The Jonas Brothers
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

I was thinking of someone amazonian but with a sense of humour.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:00, Reply)

I was thinking of someone with short hair and sex appeal


*bleeurgh* MASSIVE PANDA
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

Giant Panda, shurely?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:27, Reply)

oi you
going to have some music to try out on you soon. It's about 35 minutes long, so you'll need to sit down, get stoned and have a good listen to it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:28, Reply)

I am very much ready for that
Your own work, is it?

This week I've bought a brilliant rockabilly LP by Sonny Burgess, and am awaiting something you might well be into - the eponymous Captain Beyond LP. I've seen it over and over again in 'best rock LPs of all time' lists - from the Amazon reviews it's heavy, proggy and psychedelic and super-skillful. It's the pre-Gillan Deep Purple singer, two ex-Iron Butterfly chaps and Johnny Winter's old drummer. 1972.

I am quite excited about hearing it. Have a read on Amazon.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:42, Reply)

mine and my compadre, who is drummer in my other band
I've played guitars and bass and tambourine and provided musical direction. He has played guitars, bass, synths, drums, shaker thing and sang the one bit that has singing.

It's got a bit of prog rock stuff, some nice picked stuff, a bowie pastiche, some flamenco, bit of hard house, bit of nine inch nails type stuff, some heaviness and some iron maiden style harmonies. We're pretty pleased with it.

all thoroughly sprinkled with whoosing noises and explosions.

That album sounds awesome. Let me know what it is like.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:47, Reply)

any chance
I could get a special Montymix with guaranteed no traces of Bowie?

Seriously though that sounds fucking EPIC and I'm flattered to be asked.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)

it's only a bit bowie
we're going to struggle to find listeners I think
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:13, Reply)

I'd say you've covered a good few bases there

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:19, Reply)

it is however one 35 minute long piece of music
loosely based on and inspired by the battle between red and grey squirrels....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:27, Reply)

A subject matter
close to the hearts of all Englishmen and women, surely?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:30, Reply)

you would hope so
it has squirrel noises in it and everything
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:34, Reply)

Oh that's just stupid

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:31, Reply)

Steve Buscemi,
'cos he's kinda funny lookin'
( Sunburn Go on.... It's character building!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Well, I've been told I bear a resemblance to Emile Hirsch,
which was unnecessarily flattering, but it would have to be voiced by a well-spoken but incredibly boring old fart. Possibly John Major.

Edit: thinking about it, I've also been told I look like "Bruce Campbell, but with long hair and without the big chin," so I think he would be the most suitable candidate.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:58, Reply)

I don't know you very well
but I can say without hesitation that you aren't cool enough to be played by bruce campbell.

having him play you would be the ultimate accolade
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:22, Reply)

The fact I spend a large proportion of my day on b3ta proves your point
However, I am in but the early stages of my life, and I confidently predict that by the time I am old enough for people to want to make films about me, I will be cool enough that Bruce Campbell will be one among many awesome actors fighting for the chance to play me.

So nur.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

fair enough
can't argue with that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:28, Reply)

I look a bit like Jack Dee.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Brilliant
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:06, Reply)

it's not nice to laugh about people's looks.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

I apologise
I just hadn't noticed the resemblance until you mentioned it.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:08, Reply)

You're such a bully
I'm crying salty tears into my keyboard.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Predictable wanking joke #427

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:13, Reply)

"Monkeysex is a wanker"?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:13, Reply)

FACT

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Anna Faris
Because shes also blonde and a mentalist.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

You couldn't possibly be annoying as she is
I've accidentally seen some of her films, and an episode of Friends she was in.

I wanted to smack her tits off with bricks
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

If I tried really hard
I think I could be as annoying as she is.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

You'd need to do the screechy voice
and lower your sense of humour by a factor of ten
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:11, Reply)

Meh
That's too much effort. I change my mind to Kirsten Dunst, she's also blonde, a mentalist and sort of geeky.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Better
but only because of 'Small Soldiers'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:24, Reply)

That's an ace film
I remember going to see that at the cinema! Woo, good times.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:27, Reply)

I can see that working
and she is only a bit annoying, like you
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:25, Reply)

Hazah
Then it is decided!! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:27, Reply)

awesome
what's the film going to be about?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:30, Reply)

The terrible event
that forced her to lower her standards enough to marry DiT
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:31, Reply)

*slowly shakes head*
a catastrophe indeed...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

'Harrowing'
**** - Empire magazine
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:33, Reply)

"a tour de force" - Anglers Weekly

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:35, Reply)

'I'd give it four fists'
-Paul Ross, Incest Monthly
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:36, Reply)

nice addition

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:43, Reply)

Cheers

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:44, Reply)

Don't be mean
If anything he had to lower his standards.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:43, Reply)

That's absurd
You're an 8, he's a 4, you're slumming it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:44, Reply)

No no no no no
Internet lies!

He's a 9, I'm a 5 at best, you've not met me remember, I'm a pain in the arse!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:46, Reply)

This could be true
I hope he doesn't chuck you in a medical waste container when he gets sick of you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:49, Reply)

Nope I'll go in the Reject Bin
with the rest of the Raggy Dolls.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:50, Reply)

She only married me for my money.
Sooner or later she'll realise this was a tragic mistake.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:49, Reply)

Hehehe
WHAT!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:54, Reply)

without wanting to appear to be pandering in the extreme...
how high were his standards?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:44, Reply)

Again
You have to meet me to understand, I have a very annoying laugh!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:46, Reply)

it can't be that annoying
when I had just met Mrs V many years ago I identified her across the other side of a cinema by her loud and distinctive laugh.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:49, Reply)

Oh you have no idea
I actually have to warn people about it in job interviews, its very distracting.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:51, Reply)

I demand that you record it so I can hear it and mock you
or get DiT to record it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:37, Reply)

If anything lowered her standards, it was months and months of pleading until she finally gave in.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:46, Reply)

Don't be daft
You know you're grrrrrrrrreat!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:47, Reply)

tried and tested
*firm handshakes*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:48, Reply)

You're only with me for my cheese straws and
that fact that I don't type 'lol' after every sentence.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:49, Reply)

LOL!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:50, Reply)

Yaargh

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:50, Reply)

Mindpiss!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

lol

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:50, Reply)

mmmm cheese straws
one of the best things I've ever eaten were some cheese straws I made that got cooked on a tray underneath a steak and ale pie (that I also made) which was bubbling juices over the side.

the cheese straws got baked into steak and ale goo.....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:51, Reply)

Oh I am soooooo doing this
DiT - PIEEEEE!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

it was probably the tastiest thing I've ever eaten
if your pie doesn't bubble over, just pour a bit of the filling onto the baking sheet with the straws
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:25, Reply)

Ideally?
Helena Bonham Carter.

Really?
Susan Boyle.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

probably this guy
www.imdb.com/media/rm854104320/nm0479527

if he lost a bit of weight. or jack black.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

I want to have sex with that guy
I don't know what it is about him, I just do
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:14, Reply)

have you seen the show?
or is that just from the picture?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:17, Reply)

Reaper?
Hahaha, I accidentally wrote 'raper' first, out of habit.

Yes, I have seen it. I like him, he has inate sex appeal
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:19, Reply)

quite a lot of people have said I'm like him
I'm assuming it's not the sex appeal

was watching one day and he was wearing this green checked shirt. I went and got an identical shirt out of my wardrobe...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

I'm horny for you now

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:21, Reply)

glad to hear it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:22, Reply)

I really have no idea
My picture is in my profile though so you tell me!
( Peej, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:16, Reply)

For you
Peewee Herman.

But I'd totally do Keza and Akira given half the chance
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:22, Reply)

Akira is only 21 months old
and she already tells me regularly that she doesn't want to sleep with Bert for fear his sperm will make her fat.

Keza says she already has done you and it was crap.

My mum loved it.
( Peej, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:34, Reply)

Ha!
Wasn't expecting a reply in the spirit it was intended! Damn you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:37, Reply)

I concur
Is Bertholt stunned?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:41, Reply)

A little bit
I'd come back with something, but everything he said was true
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:43, Reply)

Come back with a sandwich
I'm rather peckish!
( Peej, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:58, Reply)

Cock sandwich

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:00, Reply)

Best comeback to a bert post eveh!

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:51, Reply)

I know, he even got the Mum bit in there before I had the chance to

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

It really is
I thought he'd either ignore it or get a weed on.
Brilliant.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

You guys really don't know me well at all do you
HA!

*edit* The Pee Wee Herman bit made me cry though :(
( Peej, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:59, Reply)

Charles 1st.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:43, Reply)

this is the best answer

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:44, Reply)

althegeordie.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:48, Reply)

He'd have a hard time acting
with your head stuck all the way up his arse
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:51, Reply)

That's the only way he'll get the voice right.
Besides, I would have said 'Bert', but then I'm not that hairy, nor am I that much of a deviant.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)

You'll just have to Uhu beard trimmings to your body
and work at the deviance. I recommend giving Flim Flam an 'underwater volcano' tonight
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:54, Reply)

I don't even want to know.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:58, Reply)

Stick your cock up her arse
and then piss so it all sprays back out at you.

I just made that one up, I'm proud
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:59, Reply)

would be hard to piss in the situation
I reckon you'd just up shitting yourself
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:29, Reply)

All the better to beat you with

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:32, Reply)

that doesn't make any sense
LIKE YOUR FACE
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 17:35, Reply)

Al to be played, of course, by Fat Al.
I love this picture.


(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)

Johnny Vegas
and Kathy Burke can play the missus.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)