alright?
practically killed myself at the end of last week (booze, spliffs, acrid tar smoke and no sleep, followed by playing a gig till 1am) and have managed to prolong my cold into its record third week.

how are you doing?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:07, 125 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm a monumental twat
but I'm not working today, so I'm a monumental lazy twat.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:11, Reply)

I'm fucking awesome
as usual
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:12, Reply)

Improving.
I've had possibly the worst cold I've experienced for the past four or five days. I'm actually starting to feel human again, which is nice.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:12, Reply)

hungover and my lips are black from red wine.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:13, Reply)

Had a punch up with UB40?
Good on you, the bloody middle-aged wannabe black twats
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:14, Reply)

1/10
see me
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:16, Reply)

I'll see you alright

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:20, Reply)

I'll be waiting
round by the bins at lunchtime.

COME ON THEN
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:29, Reply)

Fight! fight! fight! fight! fight!
A tenner on Monty.
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:33, Reply)

:C
You're probably right
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:40, Reply)

It's only because Monty has a lot of pent up anger.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:41, Reply)

So do I! Watch!
Grrrrrr...!

*rips vest*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:43, Reply)

Your mum's going to have to sew that up now
You'll be grounded for sure.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:47, Reply)

Grounded?
She'll leather me purple
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:49, Reply)

I'll leather your purple

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:50, Reply)

He would like that way too much

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 11:50, Reply)

is that like
'Color Me Badd'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:53, Reply)

I Wanna Sexx You Upp!
All night!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Tenner on me too
What I lack in simian body hair I more than make up for in stature. Coupled with my face-punching form I'm practically guaranteed to win.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:43, Reply)

No, I was drinking red wine last night and it has stained my lips.
I have no idea how you could have interpreted that so wrong... Do you have learning difficulties?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:17, Reply)

I see everyone is on fighting form today.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:19, Reply)

No we're fucking not.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:39, Reply)

YES YOU FUCKING ARE!

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:42, Reply)

Yes I do
But if you want some, I'll fucking bring it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:21, Reply)

I think we'll both have more fun if we insult people that will take it badly.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:22, Reply)

You callling my pint a poof?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:39, Reply)

I'm still a bit iffy from my Friday night debarcle.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:16, Reply)

'debacle'
Wanky pedantry aside, what happened?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:19, Reply)

See several threads below and weep for me.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:20, Reply)

Excellent work
Sounds pretty minor. Chinning people or accidentally shagging an ugly is bad. Getting reet pissed and throwing up in private is practically saintly.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:26, Reply)

Yes but it cost me an extra £80 as I had to stay another night in the hotel.
I sat on my bed with my coat on for half an hour trying to work up the courage to leave my hotel room on Saturday morning but just couldn't face it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:31, Reply)

Some people can't handle their drink.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:20, Reply)

Sounds like a bloody good night though
there's nothing quite like getting blind drunk with strangers
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:21, Reply)

I was allegedly very well behaved though.
I didn't make a pass at anyone and only kissed some chaps on the cheek and told them how lovely they were, which was true.
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:27, Reply)

You need to work on getting your flirt on
if you want more squelchy pants action.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:38, Reply)

No point getting squelchy pants action if you can't remember it.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:46, Reply)

...
you did put my head down your top though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:26, Reply)

Awesome

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:27, Reply)

POIDH
/pander
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Ha!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:24, Reply)

*plots revenge*
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:26, Reply)

I'm truly terrified.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:30, Reply)

I'm fucking freezing still
Was unbelievably cold when I woke up this morning.

And my hand is sore, because my mates little brother decided to put chilli sauce on my lips while I was asleep, leading to me having to eat ice cream non stop for an hour to stop burning. It's not like heat from a normal sauce, it felt like a burn. Fucking hurt. The reason my hand hurts is because I wiped my mouth as I woke up, and didn't realise. As a result, I had the sauce on my hand all night, leading to it being rather sore.

Ah well, my revenge was amusing. I didn't know how heavy a sleeper he was, so I couldn't get him that way. Instead, I detuned his guitar, spinning the heads randomly. I then covered them in a thick layer of chilli sauce, before wiping away the excess, then reapplying, over and over. So while there is no visible trace of the sauce, it's absolutely covered. Should be fun!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:24, Reply)

That's surprisingly inventive
for a girly haired emo. Well done.

Also, I'm really angry with you, if you hadn't recommended them I wouldn't be reading the Twilight books, and I really detest the characters, but I'm oddly drawn to finish all four of them.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:38, Reply)

you fucking bender
I watched some films this weekend.

Wanted - started off ok, a pleasasnt entertainment, Angelina looked tasty. Then it just got fucking shit.
Hellboy 2 - Much better than Kaol said it was.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:40, Reply)

I liked Hellboy 2 also.
Fell asleep during Die Hard 4 last night. Top film that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:42, Reply)

I saw Die Hard 4 for the first time last night
it started off really well, and then became so ludicrously over the top I was actually chuckling by the end. Overall I'd give it four out of five hairy nipples
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:42, Reply)

I got mocked for this before
but I think Die Hard 4, while entertaining, was too far-fetched. The situations in the other ones, while kind of ridiculous, are at least possible, whereas all that computer stuff was just bollocks .
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:44, Reply)

I thought it was enjoyably ridiculous
the otehrs were better and more realistic, but I don't much care.

Suspension of disbelief, innit?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:45, Reply)

I have no problem suspending disbelief
I was going to say that I just find the way computer stuff like that is shown in films to be silly and annoying, but I remembered that I watched Hackers again the other day, and I fucking love that film.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:49, Reply)

Is that the one with Johnny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie?
What a turgid pile of nonsense that is
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:51, Reply)

it is
but I really like it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:52, Reply)

I liked it in war games
when he made the computer play noughts and crosses with itself.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:53, Reply)

I think the mocking is deserved
The plane situation in Die Hard 2: Die Harder, was equally ridiculous. But 4.0 was better becuase of the hilarious fight in the lift shaft. He hits that woman with a car and she still almost kung-fu's him to death until he drops her down a lift shaft by flying through the broken windscreen. Genius.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:46, Reply)

Yeah, we all love a bit of woman-beating
I was particularly impressed when he was punching her in the head as she lay on the floor
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:47, Reply)

I got an erection when he did that
It was embarrassing as my parents were in the room so I could only have a pocket wank.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:49, Reply)

You didn't ask to sit on your mum's knee?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:50, Reply)

She was already sitting on mine

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:52, Reply)

sitting shitting
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:03, Reply)

I thought Hellboy 2 was okay
I didn't rate Hellboy one all that much, it was alright, and my opinion on number 2 was pretty much the same. Enjoyable to watch, not worth buying.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:47, Reply)

that was my opinion

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:48, Reply)

CONTROVERSIAL

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:05, Reply)

Wanted is fucking miserable
I tend not to watch current films but I saw that one and my snootiness was reinforced. What a mountain of faeces.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:49, Reply)

I'm ok with that
The girl is a whiny little shit, but every once in a while, there are some pretty genius one-liners.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:41, Reply)

...if you possess a womb

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:42, Reply)

And a vagina

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:45, Reply)

and big hairy tits

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:45, Reply)

it's vampire porn for teenage girls,
you should be ashamed of yourself.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:47, Reply)

It's not even porn
As DiT pointed out to me it's a thinly veiled allegory for sex.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:48, Reply)

Pfft! I wish they had vampire porn when I was a teenager.
The Bunty was dismal for that sort of thing.
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:51, Reply)

yeah
the pages got soggy far too quickly.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:51, Reply)

Or that might have just been
because of your wildly gushing vag.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:52, Reply)

Oh I see.
Now the Grammer Badger is not around with her huge gaping vag then you're going to start on me having a wildly gushing vag. Well ok then, if it makes you happy.
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:55, Reply)

I wasn't going to turn it into a meme
I was just hypothosising that when masturbating as a young girl, your mimsy would have been fizzing like you had just poured in a bottle a diet coke and followed it up with some mentos.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:59, Reply)

That's ok then.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:00, Reply)

'hypothesising'
Can't ANY of you halfwits spell?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:13, Reply)

apparently not.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:15, Reply)

Ooooo! Someone got out of the wrong side of bed this morning.

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:19, Reply)

bed my bed

/crosses the line

DOUBLE EDITED
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:20, Reply)

You just can't help yourself can you?

( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:24, Reply)

No
I'm sorry
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:27, Reply)

that is WAY over the line mate
seriously. WAY, WAY OVER IT.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:26, Reply)

I apologise wholeheartedly
would you like me to edit?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:27, Reply)

ideally

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:28, Reply)

There
better?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:28, Reply)

Poo head

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:29, Reply)

I KNOW!
I feel bad about this one though, the poor bloke didn't deserve it, I might edit again
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:30, Reply)

That does not help much
For those that don't know, the reason I am so flabbergasted at this diplay of insensitivity is that my little sister actually is HIV positive and thus hilarious references to her 'AIDS infected clunge' don't really amuse me ever so much.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:30, Reply)

The best thing you could do
would be to get Bert Naughty Stepped.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:32, Reply)

One more time
and I'm gone for good, can't even come back or anything
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:33, Reply)

I'm fucking tempted

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:34, Reply)

Oh come off it
someone was bound to
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:36, Reply)

were they?
Were they fucking really?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:37, Reply)

Yes
This place is full of AIDs jokes, if we were close friends you could expect sympathy, but we're not so you get yourself some jokes that are meant to be affectionately intended instead.

I have apologised and really didn't mean any harm, so let's all just be friends, shall we?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:40, Reply)

You should fuck him up
for that Monty
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:43, Reply)

God this is killing me
...mustn't make more inappropriate jokes... must stop, already gone.. too far
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:44, Reply)

There are AIDS jokes
and there are AIDS jokes, you miserable fucking cretin. Can you really not tell when some things really are not appropriate for a joke? Jesus fucking Christ you even know the whole harrowing story of how it happened (kidnap and repeated rape). And you REALLY think that's going to be funny?

You are so pitifully stupid I'm not going to bother myself with pursuing this but ONE MORE FUCKING CRACK LIKE THAT and I will.

OK?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:44, Reply)

Awwww, don't let him off so easy
he'll never learn.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:46, Reply)

I'm trying to

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Rubbish!
You love the AIDZ so much you have it on your cereal
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:51, Reply)

Shhhh.....!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:52, Reply)

sorry
*crestfallen*

I wasn't aware of the full story, that does indeed sound horrific, but when somebody says on a messageboard like this that their sister has AIDs my immediate reaction is to think that they're either joking or lying, I'm sorry that this is not the case, and I am sorry that I crossed the line and upset you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:47, Reply)

*waves goodbye*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:39, Reply)

Cheerio

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:40, Reply)

DO IT!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:37, Reply)

You're horrible!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:41, Reply)

Oh, alright
spoilsport


(and seriously, apologies for over-stepping the mark)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:33, Reply)

I suppose
But if that's the case, it doesn't detract from the fact it's bloody well written.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:52, Reply)

But it isn't though
that's what really bugs me. The writing is poor, the characters are two dimensional and everything about it is rubbish. SO WHY CAN'T I STOP READING THE FUCKER!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:54, Reply)

because you love Edward

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:00, Reply)

+ & have a vagina

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:01, Reply)

+ stripy fingerless gloves
+ look like Avril Latrine

+ your parents don't understand you OR your music
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:15, Reply)

My parents have never understood me
or my music.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:16, Reply)

SAXON AND ANVIL
tend to have that effect.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:19, Reply)

I liked how Rob Reiner
was outside selling CDs after the concert.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:21, Reply)

war mun
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:31, Reply)

Ha!
That is all.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:45, Reply)

I quite liked the writing.
But I know what you mean about it being pretty addictive.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:14, Reply)

I'm on sick leave
which means, Vipros, that I won't be going to Exeter tomorrow.
*SADFACES*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Poorly crackhouse needs new girly bits.
: (
( girlinthehole, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:32, Reply)

I would like to see these

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:33, Reply)

New girly bits AND I've been summonised by the shrink.
I am cursed, I think.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:34, Reply)

How sick are you?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:33, Reply)

on a scale of one to your mum
I'm about an 8. (But I'd never have sex with a bicycle.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:33, Reply)

ah, that sucks
because I had totally remembered and everything.

In an interesting twist of fate, I'm going to be in Bristol on Wednesday.

Had trains booked for me though, so haven't got time to hang about unfortunately
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 10:37, Reply)