The Yuletide is coming, my arse is getting fat, I hate fookin Christmas, & Santa is a twat . The credit crunch is is on, and times are really hard, so you can consider this b3ta post, your fucking Christmas card.
1 more week at work and it's time for the Christmas holidays. Now I'm looking forward to the 2 weeks off but couldn't actually give a shit that it's Christmas.

Tell us your bah humbug stories (if you don't want to then bah humbug to you!)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 14:53, 93 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

This year everyone is getting
a shit in a stocking.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:00, Reply)

There was this time at christmas when
I was up visiting my grandma and I had popped over to see my aunt and uncle who live nearby and I was having a cup of tea and I needed a wee so I went upstairs and I noticed my cousins bedroom door was open and I thought she was out so I popped my head round to have a look at her room as it had just been redecorated and she was standing at the other end of the room in front of her mirror wearing this red lace teddy and stockings and I was really quiet and kept watching through the crack in the door and she started running her hands over her waist and then up to her massive tits, holding them and squeezing them and moaning softly and then her hand slid up between her legs and she tipped her head back and was breathing really deeply and then my uncle came up the stairs and punched me in the cock for spying on his daughter.

I don't go round for tea any more.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:02, Reply)

office lol

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:04, Reply)

My ex invited me to a christmas party at her office a few years back.
I thought it was good but when I arrived I found out she was using her maiden name. We'd only just been seperated ffs. Anyway I went up to her office to have it out with her and we got in an argument and she walked off and left me to get changed for the party. Then a whole bunch of european mercenaries turned up heavily armed and secured the building. I managed to escape to the fire exit but I didn't get a chance to put on my shoes.

Needless to say I had the last laugh.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:06, Reply)

Holy shit
you are piston broke AICMFP
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Whatever happened to him?

Do you think got so boring that he ceased to exist.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:08, Reply)

Called Jim Bob now,
he's still around. That was his first mistake.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:10, Reply)

When existing is your first mistake then you're in trouble

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:11, Reply)

hahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:22, Reply)

oh man, my mum's got a christmas tree shaped candy holder that she fills with m&m's
one year my cousin asked me to hand him the jar, so I picked it up
and they all spilled out of the jar and everyone laughed at me
so I ran to my room and cut myself
I hate them
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:13, Reply)

did you cut yourself in the shape of a little christmas tree?
I did that once I was so much fun, I did a little reindeer on the other arm but it didn't look so good as I was doing it left handed.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Try using a cookie cutter
for precision festive self harm
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:18, Reply)

God Dammit
why didn't I think of that when I was 14. I would have far cooler scars.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:20, Reply)

not his fault you're a spaz

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:24, Reply)

I'm blaming you
and my parents of course.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:25, Reply)

you're well older than me
it can't be my fault
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:27, Reply)

I can't be that much older than you surely?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:32, Reply)

you are older
and don't call her shirley
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

tell me how old you are and we'll see
because I really have no idea
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

I'm 22 next February.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:37, Reply)

fuck off

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:37, Reply)

Okay I'm 25 next June

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:38, Reply)

I don't believe you

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:40, Reply)

alright then
I'm 29 next March.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:41, Reply)

Fuck off!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Okay, okay, okay
I'm 33 next April.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Better.
*pats*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Stop pandering to him!!
You poondog!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Poondog!
That's a great insult, I even prefer that to Badgerflaps.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:51, Reply)

Have you not heard that one before?
I like poondog, its fun to say!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:52, Reply)

not as good as cuntybiffsnifter

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Hmmm
That's okay, but its no oraganabananaboobs
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:56, Reply)

you are mental

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Not for B3ta
Maybe for the real world...
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 11 Dec 2009, 16:08, Reply)

I would love a pair of organabananaboobs.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Wouldn't you though
they're all the rage!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 11 Dec 2009, 16:07, Reply)

Why I oughtta .....
You cheeky sod. You're well old compared to me, I've seen you prancing around with your walking cane, showing off your trophy wife to the unwashed proles who trawl up and down the road outside your house.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:50, Reply)

you're like 10 years older than me
see
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:54, Reply)

he is actually 28
making him the best age really. until april, then he won't be the best age again until august
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:55, Reply)

It's March
not april
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:56, Reply)

I'll be 27 in february
I'm actually quite excited about it
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:57, Reply)

So you are old enough
for me to blame. HAH!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 16:00, Reply)

maybe, maybe not
they're so many numbers floating around here I doubt I'll ever know the truth
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 16:06, Reply)

Wow, I could be your sugar-pappa.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:39, Reply)

That's a beautiful thought.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Detailed textual analysis of his posts
reveals him to be 12. That's science that is, can't argue with science.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:41, Reply)

I think you should use google to find out
Search for althechristmasgeordie is X

and then plot the number of results.

Now THAT'S science.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:42, Reply)

also, according to that you are 16

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:45, Reply)

FUCK YEAH!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Hmmm...
Sounds a bit like someting John Kramer aka. Jigsaw would do
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Have you got any pictures of your cousin you can post?
Especially if she's sitting on your massive motorbike.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:31, Reply)

I thought you were taking the piss with that story
and it would appear you were, lol.

I get the feeling I'm gonna be the butt of your jokes from now on *sigh*
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

one of the butts of his jokes
I can recommend only one course of action to prevent this happening.

be more interesting.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:35, Reply)

Well I'm sorry, but my life is pretty dull
Hence why I have to have a motorbike and talk about my cousins giant breasts
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:37, Reply)

The motorbike doesn't make you interesting
it makes you a massive cunt.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:38, Reply)

No the motorbike keeps ME interested in life
Otherwise my life would be so dull I might jump off a bridge.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Your motorbike keeps you being a massive cunt on a motorbike
without it you might stand a chance.

Also, if you're ever feeling a bit low, and you know, you're worried you might do something rash, just remember this one thing. Posting about it on B3ta will not lead you to a happy solution. Just go to KFC.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:43, Reply)

also, never apologise
for anything

you don't have to have an interesting life to be interesting. look at chompy. he lives in milton keynes for fuck's sake. and yet he manages to be interesting. sometimes.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:39, Reply)

That's a matter of opinion

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:40, Reply)

I'm just a shit liar
My stories are always true, which is why they're so shit :(

Btw, I never said I wanked over my cousin, I merely stated that she has large boobs, not that I found her attractive
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:42, Reply)

That sounds like the desperate denial
of a sweaty palmed 19 year old who has just disposed of his latest soggy tissue after he found a photo of his cousin when they went on that holiday to Lake Garda and she wore that aquamarine bikini.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:45, Reply)

I'm 20 now :(
Ah I remember being young, the good old days and all that :P
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Jesus christ
wanking over your family as a teenager is pretty much par for the course, lets face it, not a man among us hasn't sneaked a look at their mum as they got out of the bath before running upstairs "to do homework", but FFS, you're 20? Go and buy some porn, or just get it for free on the internet.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:52, Reply)

we're not talking about qotw here
stories are not the be all and end all of conversation.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Also
not wanking over your cousin is a sure fire way to avoid me taking the piss out of you for wanking on your cousin.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:38, Reply)

Great, thanks.
You just reminded me to buy a ham.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:26, Reply)

Why are you tryin' to make me hate christmas?
You've got lights on the streets, smiles on children's faces, the promise of snow that brings magical splender, familys making bridges trying to make amense, people in new clothes that make them feel clean and respected, movies like The Muppet's Christmas Carol, abundance of food and drink, pressents, cards, people helping out the homeless and verious other charitys. It's the time of good will to all men, even the greatest war of the last century was stopped on christmas day to play football. It's the time of year where you can build up the curridge to ask out that girl of your dreams, be politely and definatly shot down, and not mind, because you're happy that you've still got a good friend. Shops lay out huge discounts, and don't get me wrong, they just want to make money, but they're making hay while the sun shines. The sun in the sky gets low and casts a glorious golden glow on everything. The leaves turn red and fall creating a wonderful atmosphere.

Yeah', lots of things suck about christmas, but the only thing that sucks is the fact that you feel that you're lacking some of the wonderful things that other people may have, but think about the reverse, you've got a roof over your head, dinner in the oven and shit on the telly.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:30, Reply)

I drove past your TESCO twice today

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:32, Reply)

I was wondering why there were so many screaming girls, I thought Take That* were doin' somethin' down the Chicken Shed.
* The origional Take That, when they were still famous with teeny-boopers.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

yeah but I wanted the other scaletrix set

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:32, Reply)

That is such a good point
I now feel ashamed for even suggesting such a question :(

*Hangs head in shame and goes off to try and be festive* To the alcohol shop!!!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:32, Reply)

Don't buckle

humbug to the lot of you
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

Here you go, download and watch this tonight, it's what I plan on doing.
dl.btjunkie.org/torrent/WALT-DISNEYS-THE-MUPPETS-CHRISTMAS-CAROL-MAKE-DREAMS-COME-TRUE-DVDRIP-ENG-kidzcorner/378595b48a864a87d8f462c48745bc785dd9e6c5fb94/download.torrent
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:36, Reply)

Or a shit on your roof
dinner on the telly and your head in the oven.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:43, Reply)

I'm getting everyone stocking fillers this year
as in severed legs from the morgue
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:32, Reply)

Is this a cue for a Heather Mills joke?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:38, Reply)

yes
I heard that with all her money she is getting herself a plane for christmas. She's going to get a ladyshave for the other leg
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Or...
In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney
was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again

In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:56, Reply)