As Requested...

1. OPENING JARS -
Fnnnng, she's struggling.. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' -
Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE -
Beckham free kicks? Weak. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE -
Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP -
A manly act which combines driving, lifting and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP -
Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD -
In the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR -
Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE -
When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS -
A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS -
Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking? Sorted.

12. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE...
...and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT -
Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST -
And saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your own dad.

16. WINKING -
Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS -
Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT -
Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE -
Unlike women, we get straight to the point. "A'right? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See you."

20. PARALLEL PARKING -
Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's greatest driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT -
Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH -
"A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO -
A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shite.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A **** -
And punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital. But you're still a ****.".
(Medical_Male Say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:34, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You're asking for an ass-fucking with that

(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:35, Reply)

The list is missing one.
26. Lying to your partner even if they are the most easy going, low maintenance woman who won't kick up a fuss. Why? Because men can't help it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:38, Reply)

26b
Lying to your partner BECAUSE they are the most easy going, low maintenance woman who won't kick up a fuss
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:39, Reply)

HAHA
Bitter old hag.
( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:42, Reply)

And your point is?

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:53, Reply)

Right,
this is shit. Really shit.
I'll start with format:
ALL CAPS IS TOTAL GAY
You're allowed to swear on the internet so **** is pointless.
Linebreaks make me cry
small tags would make it almost readable, apart from the words.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:40, Reply)

CAPS ARE GAY?
When did this happen?
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:42, Reply)

When you started coming on to them
in that bar the other night, they were confused at first, but after a few glasses of white wine they ended up back at yours "experimenting". But the next day they realised they were lying to themselves, they had done this before, but each time they pretended it was just the booze, but deep down they knew that they just didn't want to admit to themselves that they were homosexual.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Ah the sound of experience coming through there Al.

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Didn't you get the
CAPS ARE GAY memo?

*ruffles around*

Here it is! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:46, Reply)

I probably threw it straight in the bin.
*rummages*
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Ah nuts
It is hard to keep up, there are quite a few of them floating around the place.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Seondly content:
no matter what Zoo has told you, you never actually have to prove you're a man, you either are one or your not. The whole premise of this list is retarded.
I was tempted to mock these all individually but it's really not worth the time or effort.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)

You're so metrosexual it scares me.

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:47, Reply)

I'm really not,
I just can't stand the lad culture that spawns this sort of illiterate shit.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:50, Reply)

^this
being a thick macho twat isn't a good thing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Don't get me started on those WKD adverts.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:57, Reply)

It's a joke list. Not a to do list for guys who are unaware how to behave.
PERSPECTIVE HERE PLEASE!


Yes it was the wrong place to post this but I hardly think he's advocating beating up women and hitting nails into his head for fun.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:57, Reply)

What did I tell you about caps?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Ahem
she didn't read the memo
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:21, Reply)

I'm slightly gay and proud of it.

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:22, Reply)

A not so terribly girly perspective on the above points

1. OPENING JARS -
If you can't open the jar then you don't get to eat the goodies inside. You'll wonder why we struggle a lot more with the jars of tasty stuff than a jar of pickles. Also, we know how to make you guys feel strong

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' -
And then find out they're actually a ju jitsu instructor who doesn't take kindly to being patronised.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE -
Stop boo hooing about your sore knees two days later. Take the TCP like a man.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE -
Women clearly can't do this

5. GOING TO THE TIP -
Due to health and safety legislation set in place, this is nowhere near as much fun as you remember from going there with your dad as a kid. It never will be again

6. DRINKING UP -
Again, women clearly can't do this.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD -
You'll never find another one just like it, so hang on to the one you have with all your might.

8. HAVING A SCAR -
Come back when you look like a cenobite and we'll talk.

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE -
If we had thick stubble after one night of partying you'd run for the hills.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS -
With your manly manly stubble of course. Winking helps too I'm told.

11. USING POWER TOOLS -
Clearly another one that women could never do.

I'm sorry I'd go on, but this is just boring me now.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Number 8 is a winner.

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:49, Reply)

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE...
...and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
The rest of the pub know you're a cunt though.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:49, Reply)

it's a good feeling though

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:07, Reply)

NO THIS FEELING IS EXCLUSIVLEY FOR MEN

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:10, Reply)

oh :(

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:12, Reply)

Erm...
Caps?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:22, Reply)

ZINGS
Oh bugger caps
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:22, Reply)

I'm allowed, because I use them correctly.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)

And because you're a woman with fabulous breasts

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:24, Reply)

They're pretty fucking fantastic.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:26, Reply)

fabulous pert
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:26, Reply)

Oh do you
DO YOU REALLY?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:45, Reply)

There is inaccuracy in your rebuttal of the first point.
Pickles are the tasty stuff.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Tastier than honey or jam? I think not.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Mmm, honey.
I am not much of a jam fan. Pickles for the proverbial win, say I!
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Honey can go on bread, cereal, burns if it's manuka and is known to have antiseptic healing properties
What's so great about pickles? I'm genuinely interested since I eat them only if it's already in a sandwich and can't be bothered to pick them out.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Chutneys are better than all of the above

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Fuck right off with yer chutney farming ways

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Me and farms!
Bail hostels maybe. But farms?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:26, Reply)

They have crunch, spice and saltiness.
I like a bit of texture and generally favour salt, sour and bitter flavours over sweet, hence the personal preference in that direction. They're also a good way to preserve fruit and vegetables without destroying the vitamin content.

Honey is also full of splendid, though I have to sneak it into things because my girlfriend doesn't like it. Local honey is apparently good for hay fever, as well, which is logical. I nearly put 'local hiney' there.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Honey is good for preserving magic mushrooms

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:31, Reply)

SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE
I can totally do that watch...

*stabs self in eye with stanley knife*

Oh bums.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:04, Reply)

That is why you're not allowed nice things.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:12, Reply)

What like pencils?
They're not nice!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:14, Reply)

Not the ones you've got no.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:16, Reply)

I have nice pencils. They're from Derwent

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:16, Reply)

I've been to the pencil museum in Derwent
in my defence I was on holiday there and it was raining loads, and the pencil museum offered a chance to get out of the rain.

As did the famous cars museum
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:19, Reply)

I've been too. My family used to holiday near there a lot when I was younger.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:22, Reply)

Why didn't you go to a pub?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:22, Reply)

that is a good question
I'm not entirely sure
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Where's Beatix Potter's house gone???

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Hehe
I've seen it a few times, never actually been in there - is it AMAZING!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)

From what I recall it's small and is essentially a giant giftshop. I did buy a 3ft pencil though and all their fancy sets were cheaper than they are in shops

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:26, Reply)

it wasn't as small as I expected
and they did have a very large pencil in there

/euphemisms
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:29, Reply)

I knew you'd appreciate it

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I will possibly go there next time then
if they have really big pencils! I'll wander around whilst consuming vast amounts of Kendal Mint Cake... everything will have a sugary haze around it! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Only if it's chocolate covered kendal mint cake. The plain stuff is just teeth dissolving boringness
www.pencilmuseum.co.uk/ gigantor pencil
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:45, Reply)

Oh its always chocolate covered mint cake
That's the best kind! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Come to my cottage*
*It's not a cottage and it's not technically mine.
But it's in Cumbria and it is near the mint cake and a river.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Wicked
I'm there! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:48, Reply)

I have Derwent pencils too! :D
We're just too fancy!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)

I have some somewhere
My years ago ex left them in the house. I deserve them more than her because she only used to use them to write emo lyrics and pretend suicide notes.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:24, Reply)

I also have Asda pencils because I couldn't find my fancy derwents, so had to purchase more. They don't see each other much, I think the rivalry could be dangerous
Yay, we can be fancy pencil BFFs
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Woo
Fancy pencil BFFs!

WIN!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:30, Reply)

Woot!
if I find the Derwents you can have them. But they might make you gay and suicidal.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:30, Reply)

Woo indeed
I'll wash em first, they'll be reet
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Pencils shouldn't be used
for emo poems and fake suicide notes... that’s more of a cartridge pen sort of thing surely?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:29, Reply)

She preferred red pen
but if there wasn't one to hand she would abuse the Derwents.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:31, Reply)

How the fuck have we got a sub thread about pencils?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:45, Reply)

Because this is OT

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Because we have, now deal with it

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Yeaaaaaaah
*shakes fist*
*throws pencils*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:48, Reply)

NOT THE DERWENTS
They're too good for her. Here, have some asda ones
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:53, Reply)

I can't deal with it,
I could just delete my post up there thus clearing the whole lot, then you'll be sorry.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:52, Reply)

You could, but then you'd be hounded for being the post deleting cunt that you are

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:53, Reply)

Hmmm, true but I'll be making this little part of the internet better.
Tough call.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Plus
I'll end up calling you a bummer or an arse face or something.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 11 Jan 2010, 16:15, Reply)

that was funny
thanks for posting that.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:49, Reply)

haha

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Haha

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:52, Reply)

hahaa

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:15, Reply)

ahahah!

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)