Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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25 Things That Make You Feel Like A ManJust been sent this by a friend and thought that b3ta off-topic might enjoy it. OK, 50% of b3ta off-topic...
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:29, 141 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Oi, linebreaks, put it in replies pleaseEdit: Also well done, you're 4 days late
Edit: Thank you
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:30,
Reply)
26 making a massive post on off topicwhich you copied and pasted from a email you got from your mate. Who I'm pretty sure is a cunt.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:31, Reply)
Cunts tend to befriend cunts, so it's very likely(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:33,
Reply)
I don't really have the energy to be cruelcan someone else do it?
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:36, Reply)
I would love it if you 'friend'ed her using the b3ta friend thing.That would be so subtle, that it would be excellent.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:44,
Reply)
Yep, that'd totally show me. Oh wait, you already did that though G0nz...(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:19,
Reply)
and write* 25 justifications for being a cunt as part of an outdated sense of masculinity*when I say write, I mean forward
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:36, Reply)
One more....(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:44,
Reply)
As Requested...1. OPENING JARS -
Fnnnng, she's struggling.. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' -
Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE -
Beckham free kicks? Weak. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE -
Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?
5. GOING TO THE TIP -
A manly act which combines driving, lifting and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP -
Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD -
In the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR -
Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE -
When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS -
A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS -
Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking? Sorted.
12. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE...
...and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT -
Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST -
And saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your own dad.
16. WINKING -
Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS -
Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT -
Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE -
Unlike women, we get straight to the point. "A'right? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See you."
20. PARALLEL PARKING -
Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's greatest driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT -
Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH -
"A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO -
A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shite.
25. CALLING YOUR MATE A **** -
And punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital. But you're still a ****.".
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:34, Reply)
The list is missing one.26. Lying to your partner even if they are the most easy going, low maintenance woman who won't kick up a fuss. Why? Because men can't help it.
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girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:38,
Reply)
26bLying to your partner BECAUSE they are the most easy going, low maintenance woman who won't kick up a fuss
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:39,
Reply)
HAHABitter old hag.
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Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:42,
Reply)
Right,this is shit. Really shit.
I'll start with format:
ALL CAPS IS TOTAL GAY
You're allowed to swear on the internet so **** is pointless.
Linebreaks make me cry
small tags would make it almost readable, apart from the words.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:40, Reply)
When you started coming on to themin that bar the other night, they were confused at first, but after a few glasses of white wine they ended up back at yours "experimenting". But the next day they realised they were lying to themselves, they had done this before, but each time they pretended it was just the booze, but deep down they knew that they just didn't want to admit to themselves that they were homosexual.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)
Didn't you get theCAPS ARE GAY memo?
*ruffles around*
Here it is! :D
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:46, Reply)
Ah nutsIt is hard to keep up, there are quite a few of them floating around the place.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:50, Reply)
Seondly content:no matter what Zoo has told you, you never actually have to prove you're a man, you either are one or your not. The whole premise of this list is retarded.
I was tempted to mock these all individually but it's really not worth the time or effort.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)
I'm really not,I just can't stand the lad culture that spawns this sort of illiterate shit.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:50, Reply)
^thisbeing a thick macho twat isn't a good thing
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:53,
Reply)
It's a joke list. Not a to do list for guys who are unaware how to behave.PERSPECTIVE HERE PLEASE!
Yes it was the wrong place to post this but I hardly think he's advocating beating up women and hitting nails into his head for fun.
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girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:57,
Reply)
A not so terribly girly perspective on the above points1. OPENING JARS -
If you can't open the jar then you don't get to eat the goodies inside. You'll wonder why we struggle a lot more with the jars of tasty stuff than a jar of pickles. Also, we know how to make you guys feel strong
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' -
And then find out they're actually a ju jitsu instructor who doesn't take kindly to being patronised.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE -
Stop boo hooing about your sore knees two days later. Take the TCP like a man.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE -
Women clearly can't do this
5. GOING TO THE TIP -
Due to health and safety legislation set in place, this is nowhere near as much fun as you remember from going there with your dad as a kid. It never will be again
6. DRINKING UP -
Again, women clearly can't do this.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD -
You'll never find another one just like it, so hang on to the one you have with all your might.
8. HAVING A SCAR -
Come back when you look like a cenobite and we'll talk.
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE -
If we had thick stubble after one night of partying you'd run for the hills.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS -
With your manly manly stubble of course. Winking helps too I'm told.
11. USING POWER TOOLS -
Clearly another one that women could never do.
I'm sorry I'd go on, but this is just boring me now.
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:48,
Reply)
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE...
...and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
The rest of the pub know you're a cunt though.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:49, Reply)
And because you're a woman with fabulous breasts(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:24,
Reply)
There is inaccuracy in your rebuttal of the first point.Pickles are the tasty stuff.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:54, Reply)
Tastier than honey or jam? I think not.(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:13,
Reply)
Mmm, honey.I am not much of a jam fan. Pickles for the proverbial win, say I!
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:16, Reply)
Honey can go on bread, cereal, burns if it's manuka and is known to have antiseptic healing propertiesWhat's so great about pickles? I'm genuinely interested since I eat them only if it's already in a sandwich and can't be bothered to pick them out.
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:17,
Reply)
Fuck right off with yer chutney farming ways(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:24,
Reply)
Me and farms!Bail hostels maybe. But farms?
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:26,
Reply)
They have crunch, spice and saltiness.I like a bit of texture and generally favour salt, sour and bitter flavours over sweet, hence the personal preference in that direction. They're also a good way to preserve fruit and vegetables without destroying the vitamin content.
Honey is also full of splendid, though I have to sneak it into things because my girlfriend doesn't like it. Local honey is apparently good for hay fever, as well, which is logical. I nearly put 'local hiney' there.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:28, Reply)
Honey is good for preserving magic mushrooms(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:31,
Reply)
SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFEI can totally do that watch...
*stabs self in eye with stanley knife*
Oh bums.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:04, Reply)
I have nice pencils. They're from Derwent(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:16,
Reply)
I've been to the pencil museum in Derwentin my defence I was on holiday there and it was raining loads, and the pencil museum offered a chance to get out of the rain.
As did the famous cars museum
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:19,
Reply)
I've been too. My family used to holiday near there a lot when I was younger.(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:22,
Reply)
that is a good questionI'm not entirely sure
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:25,
Reply)
HeheI've seen it a few times, never actually been in there - is it AMAZING!?
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)
From what I recall it's small and is essentially a giant giftshop. I did buy a 3ft pencil though and all their fancy sets were cheaper than they are in shops(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:26,
Reply)
it wasn't as small as I expectedand they did have a very large pencil in there
/euphemisms
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:29,
Reply)
I will possibly go there next time thenif they have really big pencils! I'll wander around whilst consuming vast amounts of Kendal Mint Cake... everything will have a sugary haze around it! :D
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:39, Reply)
Only if it's chocolate covered kendal mint cake. The plain stuff is just teeth dissolving boringnesswww.pencilmuseum.co.uk/ gigantor pencil
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:45,
Reply)
Oh its always chocolate covered mint cakeThat's the best kind! :)
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46, Reply)
Come to my cottage**It's not a cottage and it's not technically mine.
But it's in Cumbria and it is near the mint cake and a river.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46,
Reply)
I have some somewhereMy years ago ex left them in the house. I deserve them more than her because she only used to use them to write emo lyrics and pretend suicide notes.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:24,
Reply)
I also have Asda pencils because I couldn't find my fancy derwents, so had to purchase more. They don't see each other much, I think the rivalry could be dangerousYay, we can be fancy pencil BFFs
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:27,
Reply)
Woot!if I find the Derwents you can have them. But they might make you gay and suicidal.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:30,
Reply)
Woo indeedI'll wash em first, they'll be reet
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:33,
Reply)
Pencils shouldn't be usedfor emo poems and fake suicide notes... that’s more of a cartridge pen sort of thing surely?
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:29, Reply)
She preferred red penbut if there wasn't one to hand she would abuse the Derwents.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:31,
Reply)
Because we have, now deal with it(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:46,
Reply)
NOT THE DERWENTSThey're too good for her. Here, have some asda ones
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:53,
Reply)
I can't deal with it,I could just delete my post up there thus clearing the whole lot, then you'll be sorry.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:52, Reply)
You could, but then you'd be hounded for being the post deleting cunt that you are(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:53,
Reply)
Hmmm, true but I'll be making this little part of the internet better.Tough call.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:55, Reply)
PlusI'll end up calling you a bummer or an arse face or something.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 16:15, Reply)
This pretty much sums up exactly how to alienate yourselffrom at least 90% of the people who like to post here.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:35, Reply)
sory I didnt catch this earlier Albut this notion of conformity and adherence you've prescribed here seems rather un-b3tan...if you will..un-QOTW OT even more so...
Thou shalt be permitted to be a member of our whacky gang of outcasts as long as thou shalt be whacky and outcast in the following whacky and outcast way.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:12, Reply)
There's no reason to adhere to certain rules and regulations. Simply recognise your target audience, do some research into the kind of poster who is likely to read your drivel and then decide if you want to copy and paste an email.You should also be prepared to take a flaming for anything that you post. This is b3ta afterall.
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:15,
Reply)
that's mostly fair enoughbut it's still a fair amount of 'thou shalt'... folk post all sorts of stuff here and it just seemed as though the chap was taking a roasting for being a misogynist when all posts like that do is highlight the childish rubbish men get a kick out of.
As for line breaks and cut and paste and what have you, fair dues to the lad for amending as requested and fair play to the good souls of OT for shining the light to lead his way.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:25, Reply)
I don't think so. Everyone on here is fair game if others dont like what is posted. There's no thou shalt about it.It's just courtesy to not have a massive wall of text as your first post, which is why I asked (relatively) politely for him to move it instead of calling him a cunt from the outset.
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fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:29,
Reply)
That's quite alright bazI'm not prescribing anything at all, I'm merely pointing out that this post is completely out of character for this site. B3ta is full of unpredictable and unexpected jokes, as well as some old classics, but it is not a site to find lists of crap that are found on many e-mail circulars.
I was not picking at any specific bit of the content and saying that would alienate people, I was saying that the post as a whole will make a lot of people think that the poster is an unfunny twat.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:20, Reply)
'Old classics'Might a person not be thought wholly unreasonable for filing the posters efforts under the above heading?
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:27, Reply)
Confusing as your double negative isI would say that this post does not fall in the "old classic" which is a term I really meant to apply to well known memes that tend to get people laughing when dropped back in at an opportune moment, such as "your mum" or, more recently, a picture of Sid.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:34, Reply)
I prefer the Glaswegian, 'double positve negative'As in: "Very good ya fanny"
or
"Aye right, so ye did"
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 16:04, Reply)
...but are you proscribing anything?or are you some kind of internet doctor?
As well as a cloth-eared Dia fancier...?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:33,
Reply)
You have to remember that Al has no sense of humourBut, through trial and error, has cobbled together a set of basic rules that seem to work most of the time. Thus he must crush any non-conformists lest the style of OT change and he has to start again from scratch.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:34,
Reply)
*retreats, chastened**to update own set of cobbled together rules*
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:51,
Reply)
Is thissomething Peter Kay put together? Cunt of a man. Cunt is the word of the day - nay decade!
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whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:36,
Reply)
I was just thinking it was himso it must be.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:39,
Reply)
25 Things That Make You Feel Like A Chick1 - Having tits and a fanny.
2 - Being able to lez off without being 'gaaaay'.
3 - Being the first person to say "JUST BECAUSE IT IS" since you're parents back when you were 7.
4 - Taking over an hour to get ready for a night out, excluding pre-drinks.
5 - Bitching about every single friend you've ever had to an absolute stranger who is bored off his tits, but reckons you're a bit of a slag, so is putting up with you.
6 - blah blah blah blah, I'm bored already, I didn't even read your post. Basicly a long list of steriotypes and all that.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:40,
Reply)
There is a simple seven point solution to the problems you have identified.Can you guess what they are?
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)
1) Consolidate all your debts into one easy manageable monthly repayment plan.
2) Quit Uni
3) Get a job
4) Get a wife
5) Get a life
6) Get yourself a drink
7) Lose the lot
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:48,
Reply)
HELP!MEMEMASH!
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:50,
Reply)
Hopefully not THE wookie.I think it might piss off Clendrix if you bent Wookie.
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girlinthehole, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 14:54,
Reply)
26 Havin' a pulley system, right, that lifts a piece of meatup and doon on your forehead, right, that'd be reet funny, like.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:17,
Reply)
We've got several examples of 26 already. Yours wasn't very good, so it can be 27 ok.(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:20,
Reply)
I saw that very showit was cringe-worthy. Especially how he repeated/dragged the same gag over & over & over.
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whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:23,
Reply)
OH MY GOD LOLTHIS
POST WAS AWESOMEZ
I NEED TO POST SOME **** FWD EMAILS HERE.
HI CHOMPY
YOU LIKE MY POST?
I am so busy I can't b3ta. I am fucking gutted my trolling boots would have had a good stomp today
edit: Fuck I didn't realise the best part of 40 mins went between me writing that and posting it. Now I look delightfully special
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:21,
Reply)
YOUR EMAIL HAVE WONDear Friend, This Message Might Meet You In Utmost Surprise. However, It's Just My Urgent Need For Foreign Partner That Made Me To Contact You For This Transaction. I Am A Banker By Profession From Burkina Faso In West Africa And Currently Holding The Post Of Bill And Exchange Manager In Our Bank. I Have The Opportunity Of Transferring The Left Over Fund ($12.3Million) Of My Bank Client Who Died Along With His Entire Family In Kenya Plane Crash 2003. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and for our bank to release the money to you.In appreciation of your assistance, I am offering you 30% of the total sum. 10% for contingencies (cost of transfer/other charges) likely to be incurred during the course of transaction, while the remaining 60% is for me. want you to assure me of your capability of handling this transfer with trust by giving me the following information's about yourself: Full Name........? MailingAddress........?.PhoneNumber.........? . Age..........? Sex........... ? Country........? Occupation............? For me to give you the application form contact me via my private email addres Bill and Exchange manager,Bank Of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
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crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:37,
Reply)
Does anyone ever fall for these scams?I think they deserve the identity theft if they do.
(, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:40, Reply)
Probably only the sort of remedial people who post regurgitated email 'jokes'(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 15:42,
Reply)
super-click for 'remedial'In my school one history master used to refer to them as 'The Zoo'.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 16:02,
Reply)
Laughing at the failure of othersA good hearty man laugh.
forum.fm-view.com/topic/10912-i-admit-it/
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whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 16:13,
Reply)
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