This morning
I had an email from Amazon 'recommending' Tractor's self-titled first LP to me. The cheeky cunts.

What 'yeah, thanks for that' pointless advice have you been given lately?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 8:57, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"Are you sure you want to leave - the job market is not great out there?"
I didn't tell them I had a new job, just that I wanted to leave so I'm getting one months pay to finish this week. baz WIN!!!

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:07, Reply)

So are you going back to Ireland then?
I remember you asking but not what you decided. (Congrats btw)
( djtrialprice, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:28, Reply)

thanks!
I'm going from the west of Ireland back to my place of birth in the east (of Ireland).
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Amazon
is constantly recommending me things that I have already put on my wish list and then purchased

"you'll get over it" and "give it time" is also frustrating when the timeframe is unknown, you don't really want to get over it and you feel in limbo
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Similarly
'cheer up, it might never happen!' is particularly insulting when 'it' has demonstrably already happened.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:11, Reply)

"there are people out there worse off than you"
Yes, I am well aware of that, however it does not make my particular issue any less of a pain in the arse thankyou ever so very much, and I don't see you giving up all your worldly goods to feed a small child in the Sudan so don't fucking preach to me.

grrr
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Indeed.
Losing your arms, say, is no less awful just because there are quadriplegics out there...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:21, Reply)

"cut the blue wire"

*types with face*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Yes, but you caused the upsurge in sales.
And now they have to get rid of the truckload they ordered.

So, it's your own fault.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:11, Reply)

It's a bit like
recommending alcohol to Shane McGowan, though, isn't it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:13, Reply)

True
I would recommend a good dentist to Shane McGowan though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Or even a bad one
When at rock bottom, and all that.
( Kroney, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Always wear your galoshes when it rains.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Some government campaign running at the moment
telling me that excessive alcohol is bad for me. Well roger me senseless with a radish. I love my taxes paying to either patronise people who already know and don't care, or don't know and probably don't care.
( djtrialprice, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:32, Reply)

The government has the UK largest advertising spend

You'll also notice that more and more ad will come out over the next month or so as departments ensure that they use up every penny of their budget so as not to have them reduced next year, even though by using them up facetiously they have proved that they do not need such a high budget anyway...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I think the advert with the kids talking about alcohol
is really good. I think it's pitched really well without being patronising.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:46, Reply)

They're a damn sight better than the 'Frank' weed one
that bloke's laughing is the worst acting I've ever seen outside Grange Hill.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:51, Reply)

On the subject of bad laughing,
Lou from Neighbours wins. Like a very bad impression of Sid James.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:07, Reply)

I quite like the cocaine one though
with the dog voiced by david mitchell
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:07, Reply)

It's not half bad
Next time you see the weed one, you'll see what I mean about the fake laughing though. I don't think the Baftas will be troubling that fellow in the near future...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:09, Reply)

This.
www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=qtBuAkAGmXY&v=p-_g5Cdc0BY
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:14, Reply)

*clenches fists and grits teeth*
That's the one. If someone crashed through my door laughing like that I'd stave their fucking face in with a shovel.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:18, Reply)

He certainly is the mostest "I'm pretending to be out of it"

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I don't like that one
They're making it harder for me to leverage my being-over-18 skillz to get kids to, you know, do stuff for alcopops.
( djtrialprice, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Have you seen that seatbelt ad from Suffolk
Or possibly Sussex that has the internets oohing and aahing? That's good.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I real life they would have their arms ripped off

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:05, Reply)

The texting-while-driving one freaked me out considerably.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Is that the one that's a short film
with the girl texting while driving and crashing and killing a baby?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:15, Reply)

"She won't love you, you know. Not properly, not for who you are.
She'll just stick with you because she knows she can depend on you."

Yeah, thanks, well I can't take her back to the fucking pet shop now, can I?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Not now she's 'burst', anyway.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:12, Reply)

And I was always led to believe that reptiles were stretchier than that...

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Live and learn, Crowie, live and learn.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Crowie?
That wasn't a freudian slip, was it?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Err, no?
I merely created a *whatever the fuck the opposite of a diminutive is* out of your name, much as I might say 'Tuggers is a Marc-Almond-fancying shirter' rather than 'Dr Tugnut2 is a Marc-Almond-fancying shirter'. See?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:27, Reply)

*calls bullying hotline*
*sings 'Tainted Love' whilst applying eyeliner*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:28, Reply)

I always chucked at his choice of Tainted Love for a cover.
Tainted by the stench of faeces, eh Marc?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Don't hide it Monty...
...this anger is just a beard for your inner-shirter.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Just had to check
"Crowie" read aloud did sound a little bit close to the name of the Wonky-eyed King of Shirters himself, you see. We do have to maintain standards, after all. (If they find out about our secret sessions where we dress up as gay clowns and listen to Tin Machine on a loop, we're done for...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Hahah fuck that didn't cross my mind
If I ever call you Bowie I suggest you start running....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:37, Reply)

I'll make sure I have my teaspoon- and lollipop-resistant goggles to hand

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I was told by a Audi driving helmet to go fuck myself...
...which was rather futile advice as I do just that most days.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:19, Reply)

The first items I bought from amazon in 2002
were a digital camera and a Wilber Smith book (not for me). From that they recommended a soft porn DVD called "Double D Housewife", the cover of which was a naked middle aged lady bent over a kitchen table.

They have never recommended porn since then.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:45, Reply)

and was it any good?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Rubbish mate
no cleveland steamers, no airtights, no tripple Ps, no dutch ovens, no reverse bulldog donkey-punches...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 12:16, Reply)

'I had an email from Amazon 'recommending' Tractor's David Bowie's self-titled first LP to me'.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 10:58, Reply)