Can we have a pranks thread?
My housemates kept me up until 3, when I finally left and went to sleep on my parents couch.
The only thing that kept me sane was thinking about how I'm going to fuck with them HARD CORE for being bitches. I'm going to get a mini airhorn and everytime the LOUD MOUTH CUNT tries to talk I'm going to squeeze the trigger. See how long it takes for that bitch to shut up.

You got any tricks up your sleeve?
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:40, 120 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You should get their vibrators
and rub chilli oil on them. Then lock the front door and sell them yoghurt for $200 a pot.

Also, give them AIDS by letting a bummer sit on your toilet seat. You'll have to use a different toilet seat or else you'll get the AIDS too. So be careful.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:43, Reply)

don't be ridiculous
$500 or gtfo
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:47, Reply)

Oh yes, and it works a treat.
It's in my profile, hang on..

Edit: www.b3ta.com/questions/foodsabotage/post249354
Et voila. :)
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:43, Reply)

that is brill!
unfortunately they don't really eat any fruit, I may be able to get my dad with that one though, he loves hims some bananas
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Convert them!
Then put them off again.. :)
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:12, Reply)

You will need...
Mescaline.
Drop sheets.
Chloroform
Nail gun.
High precision scalpel.
A secured lock up.
A copy of The Joshua Tree.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:47, Reply)

Or if you're particularly sick
Achtung Baby
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Steady on.
We're not animals.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:52, Reply)

rhino laxitives
in your food. They'll steal it eventually.
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:50, Reply)

"OH GOD!"
THE UNIMAGINABLE HORROR!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:55, Reply)

I'll be bringing party food
:D
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:59, Reply)

You will be searched upon arrival sir!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:00, Reply)

Giggity
I'm excited.
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:00, Reply)

You will be searched
by a fat man in a dress... oh Al!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:02, Reply)

Only half of me is in a dress
that's the half I pretend is my fiancee.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:02, Reply)

Ah I seeeeee
it all makes sense now!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:05, Reply)

I'm like Harvey Two-Face
only it's Al half-cock.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:06, Reply)

That's an amazing costume idea!
I believe there is someone coming as Two-Face, you can have a showdown!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:08, Reply)

I'm going to come as a low budget pirate as I don't have any money to buy an elaborate costume

(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:13, Reply)

You are the third pirate in attendance
I believe this means you'll have to fight to the death... one of them is a girl, so you could probably take her!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:14, Reply)

*plots to come dressed as a pirate also*
I've got an actual cutlass. I reckon I could win a fight...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:15, Reply)

If you have an actual cutlass
I think you could probably take them all on and win!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:21, Reply)

splendid!
a shame that I can't make it/haven't been invited really....or can/have I?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:30, Reply)

OMG I've just upgraded my costume so I can bring a sword
My zombie ninja will totally kill Al's pirate
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:47, Reply)

did someone say "dress as a pirate"?
I'M HERE!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Nobody will be St Jude.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Oh, I don't know
is she the pole dancer?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:20, Reply)

She is but she's not that strong!
Just bring a BIG sword!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:21, Reply)

so there's going to be a weak pole dancer there, huh?
Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Yeah but shes a proper mental
I love her but she is a proper mental!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:25, Reply)

no problem
I'll stick with the proper mental I'm already going with then
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:29, Reply)

Well
You'll be first on the smiting list
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:30, Reply)

;)

( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Vill.ain

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:35, Reply)

I am bringing a mop pole

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:25, Reply)

you'll sweep 'em off their feet
evening roota!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I'm afraid you may have to die for that pun
sorry, but I don't make the rules
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:29, Reply)

you'll never catch me
I am the masked punner

/swooshes cape
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Hiya luv
I'll be using the pole to smite people
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:29, Reply)

What are you coming as mrs?

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:29, Reply)

St Jude!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Hehehehe
You're loco! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Shush or I'll smite thee

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Hahahaha you won't smite me!!
I'm coming as Lara Croft, she's unsmitable... but she can drown and get eaten by tigers.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:44, Reply)

My mother told me i should go as something fit
Or at least a female saint.
"Joan of Arc was attractive, Roota!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Hahahaha bless your mum
There are a few of us going for the 'slut look' but there will be some norms there too so its all good! :D

You come as whatever you like my love!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Yeah, you could totally rape her easily
just bring a cushion to keep the noise down and you're sorted.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Here speaks a man who’s clearly had some rapey action in the past.
Also you don’t want to rape her, she has AIDS… she told me!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:28, Reply)

So has Djtrailprice
I gave it to him. But he doesn't know it yet.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Well he does now!!
Dun dun duuuuuuh!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:36, Reply)

Awww man, I gave it away again.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:38, Reply)

searched violated, horribly, and probably by al.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Oooh spooky
Interesting we had the same thought process.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:02, Reply)

I'm in both your heads
now you HAVE to be my friend
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:03, Reply)

Alright, alright
we'll be your friend. This time I will attempt not to kill you with tap water... I make no real promises though.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Woo!
I'm going to do a special dance in honour of our friendship.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:07, Reply)

I'm looking forward to seeing you again al
it's been far too long
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Awww man, are you coming too?
Let me guess what your fancy dress costume will be. I think you're going to come along in an England rugby shirt and then suddenly start swigging Buckfast, talking in your ridiculous accent and starting fights. And being ginger too.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:08, Reply)

I'm not saying
I've never worn England apparel and I never will. And I'm not a ginger not that there anything wrong with that!
( djtrialprice, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:18, Reply)

My favorites are really simple ones.
Nothing, and I mean nothing is more annoying than when they're talking to you, just keep increasing the volume of the TV until they shut up, then turn it down.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:50, Reply)

that sounds excellent
may have to try this
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:53, Reply)

this

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:54, Reply)

I guess you'll be sleeping on the sofa this weekend then.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:05, Reply)

totally worth it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:09, Reply)

Smear mud in the arse-gussets of their undies...
...and if you really hate them use real poo.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Hide a rattlesnake in their underwear drawer.
Hilarity is bound to ensue.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Scorpions are also full of fun.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:58, Reply)

As is a Lion in the Shower.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:59, Reply)

yeah
put a scorpion in their diving helmets!

that'll teach them
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:59, Reply)

a mate and I once faked a cola flavoured ice lolly
using half coke and half vinegar and gave it an unsuspecting swedish mate.

it worked a treat.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:57, Reply)

haha yumm
I like dis
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:57, Reply)

it was extra effective
because he was coming down from taking pills the previous night

we didn't know that at the time, made it all the sweeter.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:58, Reply)

eurgh I got up one morning, horribly hungover, and took a giant swig of what I thought was sweet tea
turned out to be homemade wine, I clawed my way to the sink to spit it out
worst. morning. ever.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:04, Reply)

I've done that
lovely glass of water by my bed, turned out to be neat Vodka from the night before where we'd run out of mixer...
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:07, Reply)

haha
totally done that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:09, Reply)

gawd *gags*
this shit was potent, it tasted like it could've been liquor, and when I told the roomies later they laughed and said "It's good, innit" NOT AT 9 IN THE HUNGOVER FUCKING MORNING, CAPTAIN SPAZZMO.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I fucking puked my face off there and then
and then had to clear up my puke whilst hungover and dehydrated.

:(
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:11, Reply)

oooooh god, only time I've ever not made it to the bathroom when puking it went allll down my carpeted stairs
all over the walls like a massive explosion onto my posters...I'll never look at Justin Timberlake the same.
In my drunken state I thought it was a good idea to vacuum it up. Oh man, it smelled GREAT everytime we vacuumed after that.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Ha ha!!!!!
Lucky you weren't electrocuted! Y'know, the whole moisture/electricals thing...
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:22, Reply)

It couldn't have been much worse, to be honest

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:24, Reply)

When she's asleep
burst into her room with a full just-boiled kettle and pour it on her face.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:00, Reply)

I done this to my sister once. Obviously she was raging at the time but within minutes we were laughing all the way to the serious burns unit.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:01, Reply)

This actually made me spit some of my drink out
Well done.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Best suggestion EVAH!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:03, Reply)

This was my suggestion for QOTW i think it'd be fucking ace!
I've had a few really good ones a brief summary of which, is below;

Buy a pack of smoked kippers. Place one under someone's bed to be 'found' later. Then, remove the vent cover from the chimney brest wall and place the other kipper behind it. Replace cover. 6 months down the line, explain why their room STILL smells of fish even though they removed the kipper from under their bed some time ago...

House mate in bed, cling film the outside of his (inwardly opening) door. Shout that there's something urgent (i.e fire) and make him leave his room in a panic without his glasses on.

Same housemate, on holiday for a week. Bought all the tinfoil we could find and redecorated his room. 'Wallpapered' it, wrapped all his furniture, wrapped everything on his desk individually, tinfoil curtains, literally everything. Replace bulb for a 150watter.

Same housemate, turn everything in room upside down. Bed, Wardrobe, desk, CD player - the lot. Laugh as he only notices after ejecting a CD and having it fall on the floor.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:03, Reply)

when she's not looking I'm going to put super glue all over her beer can

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:08, Reply)

Just rape her.
That ought to mess her up a bit.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:10, Reply)

done the clingfilming one
but we filled the space between with the contents of a big bean bag
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Ha ha ha!!
Yes!
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Oh, everyone's HERE
I'm a mong today. I've been loving Eduard Gil on the interwebs
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:11, Reply)

We've been waiting for you y'know...

(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Sorry man
I been getting all russian
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Nozsia mynj?

(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:15, Reply)

What now?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:17, Reply)

NOSH A MINGE?

(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Lekka nosh means goodnight in Bulgarian

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Ooh, I'd lekka nosh.
You offering?
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Nope
You don't have enough gold stars on your chart.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Can I just buy more from a craft shop?

(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:24, Reply)

No
They have to be earned like on Supernanny.
And you're way behind.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:33, Reply)

WELL??????
HOW DO I EARN THEM?
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:36, Reply)

By bumsexing her

(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:39, Reply)

No
you have to have five stars to do that.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:41, Reply)

but you get ten back

(Bazongaloid, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Erm, there's a recession on

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:44, Reply)

who? what?
tell us about your SCOUSE PRANKS
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:13, Reply)

I always send my grandad threatening and uinsulting letters from his bank/the cable company
And somoetimes phone him too.
This was fine until the ACTUAL bank called over a GENUINE case of fraud and he called her for allkinds thinking it was me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:15, Reply)

Hahahah
Still fine then.. :)
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:15, Reply)

Go Gramps!

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:17, Reply)

He says 'cunt' a lot

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:18, Reply)

haha that's awesome
my dad will be like that, grumpy old shit
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:20, Reply)

Best Gramps ever!
I don't have any anymore... Wanna discuss timeshare?
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:20, Reply)

Oh man seriously
He was ROARING about paintbrushes last time I phoned.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:22, Reply)

I LOVE PAINTBRUSHES!!!
I have some lovely handmade Harris brushes. Very nice they are too. I've also got a brushmate that stops them drying out so you can use them again and again without having to clean them with thinners every 10 mins.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:23, Reply)

nice geeking

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:24, Reply)

That's the first time anyone's said that. Thanks!
I've also bought some lovely Tyzack and Marshalltown plastering trowels recently.

That's geeky!
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:29, Reply)

Offer to make tea/coffee for everyone
Go in kitchen and fill three mugs with cold water.

After kettle boils and a suitable time has elapsed, pick up a mug in each hand, and hold the third in between the first two.

Walk into the room they are in saying things like 'Ooh' 'Ow' 'fuck me this is hot' each louder than the last and walking faster towards them - then scream 'aaaaaaaaarggghhh fuuuuuccckkk' and fling the cold water in their faces.

You then have a fifteen second window to savour the sight of said 'friend' screaming in panic thinking they have been scalded - closely followed by anger, many tears, and confusion.

A vengeful smorgesbord of emotions.

(For added hilarity, secretly dose them up with good quality acid an hour before.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:28, Reply)

This is great!

(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Especially if you stare at them and...
...have a wank whilst they cry.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:33, Reply)

office lol

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:31, Reply)