Morning!

Last night my uncle interrupted me on the phone in my mum's garden to say "You'd better get back in there. They need you. They're trying to massage each other and they're fucking screaming."

What have you found impossible to explain recently?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 8:52, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The disappearance of my hair clip.
Can't find that fucker anywhere.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:14, Reply)

That's in a room far far away
With rogue teaspoons, egg cups and socks.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Morning Ladies - are we well?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Hey Larreh!
Supa dupa ta.
How did the shopping go?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Very promising. If I get time later (v.busy here today) can I gaz you both linkys to what I found? Worked on Blowsy's suggestions. Seems diamonds are usually acceptable.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Oooo! yes please.

( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Yeah go on!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Lampito slept with sexface.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:17, Reply)

Oh, I just explained it.
That was easier than I thought.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Do you mean Lampito?

( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Yeah that's the one.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:22, Reply)

We've all had wrong uns.
I don't judge.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:23, Reply)

You should, judging people is fun.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Let he who has not sinned, cast the first stone.
Think on!
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I'm judging you now for misquoting the bible.
Someone's going to burn in hell...
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Nah! I'm definitely going to heaven.
Because George Clooney and Gerard Butler will be waiting for me.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:41, Reply)

DO you know this because you were outside the room where it was happening
singing 'It Should Have Been Me' by Yvonne Fair?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I know it because hex, broke into the room and took a photo...

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:44, Reply)

This makes me sad
I thought she would have known better.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Theoban said it best
www.b3ta.com/talk/popular/
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Not really good manners to discuss it on-line unless she brings it up first though.

( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:51, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/talk/6608604
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:52, Reply)

That's ok then.
Carry on.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Hold on
that was written last year and therefore has nothing to do with her knobbing Sexface.

If you search B3ta for Lampito, you get an awful lot of nasty things about her.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:00, Reply)

You play with the cunts on /talk then you're going to get burned.
She should know better.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Yes, yes she should
but she's young and I suspect this is going to come as a bit of a shock.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:07, Reply)

She was on yesterday,
and has mentioned it on her facebook status update.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Oh fair enough
bollocks to her then. I hope she gets the clap.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I wouldn't describe any of the talk lot as an "Internet Sensation" though
and a photo of your vag is hardly awful, unless you really don't like your own genitals.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:12, Reply)

She's not a delicate little flower that needs protecting.
She's a man-eater, dah-dah-da-da, dah-dah-da-da
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Having met her I agree.
But she's also kind of sweet.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:14, Reply)

A warning to all b3ta types to stay away from each other
I mean, just look at what happened to CHCB...
( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:12, Reply)

and You

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Who's he hooked up with?
There really should be a spider diagram.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Your mum

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:15, Reply)

My mum has a healthy fear of the internet.
edit: She just uses it like a big cookbook.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

I'm your favourite Scotsman :D

( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I was thinking of going to the party as you
but I can't be bothered to go and find a wig.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I might have some hair left over in a carrier bag
Do you want to borrow my kilt? It hasn't been dry cleaned since I got lucky at a wedding, just how you like it ;)
( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:23, Reply)

DO some fucking work

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:30, Reply)

He does so enjoy the fucking work

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:35, Reply)

it's what I do best

( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Yeah you do
*trigger fingers*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I've just realised that sounds like I'm fingering a horse.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:41, Reply)

bureaudelolage

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Oooh! Fancy.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:51, Reply)

This ain't some two-bit nipple peep show
in Rio DE Janiero
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Ah, but I've only ever slept with one b3tan.
And also I'm a grown up with good self-esteem.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:18, Reply)

I was propositioned at a 2-year-old's birthday party yesterday.
EDIT (by an adult).


EDIT 2: by a drunken Polish stripper. In front of MentalEx...and my own child. Funnily enough I didn't go for it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Don't blame the kid, you pervert

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Bloody kids are so forward nowadays.
Edit - and why did the mother get a stripper for a kid's party?
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:22, Reply)

The mother used to be one herself
The one who came on to me was off duty, and was not there in a stripping capacity. Although given only a tiny bit of encouragement I suspect she would have.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:52, Reply)

"not there in a stripping capacity"
is a wonderful way of describing it. I shall try to crowbar that phrase into conversation more often (though I can't think there would be that many opportunitites...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:54, Reply)

reply indicating you're a paedo
NONCE
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:23, Reply)

They had a stripper at a 2-year old's birthday party?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Progressive, eh?
How the devil are you, old bean?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Liberal-minded parents, I guess
Not bad thanks, Monty. Bit of a thick head this morning - I think our homebrew's a bit stronger than we expected - and I really don't know where the weekend went. But I did get my bass back from the workshop on Saturday and the feller had managed to fix the neck, so I'm pleased to be reunited with my baby. How's your good self?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Not so bad, not so bad.
I had a great day yesterday being the kind of awful cunt I despise. In a room full of children you cannot help compare them (looks and development, language etc) with your own. All of the other ones were bad-tempered, mute, thick or just plain ugly.

Whilst my natural response is to check myself and say 'of course they were probably all thinking the same about my my kid' but they weren't. They were all in awe of my cheeky little girl who danced and shouted, and then climbed into a magazine rack and read a book.

Magic.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:06, Reply)

No - that's what being polite looks like in practice.
(All kids are lovely though.)
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:13, Reply)

RAW JEALOUSY was what it was.
Whatever my daughter started doing, they all tried to get their kids to join in with, but they couldn't keep up and starting crying or shat themselves etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Lots of energy and lots of personality
She's gonna go far.

I want to climb into a magazine rack now. It sounds fun.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:22, Reply)

- Extra far if she has Monty's Good Looks gene

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:26, Reply)

...as far as Broadmoor if she's inherited her mother's personality...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:31, Reply)

My parents were both lookers in their youth.
So good looking genes don't always get passed on.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:32, Reply)

l h
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

for Wigan RLFC

( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Nope!
That part of my genetic make up is all my own.
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Monty -
Might I drag you back several (9) posts?
Should 'practice' have been 'practise'?
I keep running the c/s n/v thing through my head but seem confussled today.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I don't think so.
But now you have me worried.


Not according to these lawyers:
www.slaughterandmay.com/where-we-work/international-approach/how-it-works-in-practice.aspx
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Are they still practising ?
Luckily only people like you and I will notice or care. And as neither of us is totally sure does it matter?

(Is that a red rag I hear flapping in the wind?)
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

my brain
it seems determined to fuck with me at every step
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:22, Reply)

I don't hate walking
I hate the time it takes to walk to places though. No one understands me. I like walking, but if I'm going somewhere I want to be there as soon as possible. If it took five minutes to walk a mile or whatever, I'd walk everywhere. I know what I mean when I say that but I don't think anyone else does. I'm ridiculously impatient, infact as I'm typing I realise I jog to places half the time.

I dread to think how much I've spent on taxis since I've been up here.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I hate when taxi drivers say "You could walk that"
Well yes, I could, and on a day when I fancy a leisurely stroll, maybe I shall. Right now, however, I'm in a hurry and I cannot walk as fast as a taxi can drive. DRIVE!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Had a great moment in a cab yesterday
Left a house party about ten yesterday morning to go back to mine, the cab driver asked why we were still out at that time to which I replied "we're nocturnal see". I think he would have been less animated if I got out a dead baby from under my coat and put it in his lap. "Alright man, ALRIGHT! We're not all brainiac students are we, in English would help pal". Managed to say "it means we come only come out at night" without laughing.

He pondered for a second, and then in the tone of voice one would use to discuss rocket science goes "Ah, so you're like owls". I honestly thought I was going to burst. I love Newcastle.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Unexpected Nudity - part.2. For part 1 see Top Tips.
Yesterday afternoon I had some leaflets to deliver (election material: I think politics has no place on OT so I won’t say which party. But it wasn’t the thieving scum bag Tories).
I weaved my way round several cars on one drive and then almost stepped on a near naked bint sat on the doorstep.
From the waist down she was sat in a sleeping bag, from there on up she was wearing a bra that was clearly at least one size too small. The sun was shining, so I can only think she was soaking it up – but the temperature was near zero.
She was smoking – in two different senses of the word – and jabbering on the phone in forrin. She did look up and say ‘Hi’ with a lovely smile. I replied politely and tried hard not to stare at her skin. It was sooo smooth and milky, and completely unblemished. The softest, smoothest skin I have ever seen.
Now if Spanky had been there he would surely have pulled out his todger and spluffed one out over a body like that. Being a gentleman I naturally walked on where he would have wanked on. However, what I can’t explain is why she didn’t have any goose bumps. I was all but shivering in my thermals while she sat as alabaster in the winter sun.
Go figure.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:50, Reply)

No, if Spanky had been there
it wouldn't have been true
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Possibly not. Would have been a lot funnier in the telling however.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:15, Reply)

^ This is the most incorrect thing on the internet, right now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:17, Reply)

^ this is the most correct thing on the internet right now

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:19, Reply)

^ this is the internet.
RIGHT NOW.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Was. You need a new Internet.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:23, Reply)

RIGHT NOW.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:26, Reply)

RIGHT HERE.

( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:32, Reply)

You bitch!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

You Slag!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

You Bitch!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

You Slag!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

TakeTHAT!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:37, Reply)

and THAT!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Hey, some people think Nicholas Parsons is funny.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Somehow I haven't kneecapped the old lady behind me at the post office who smells of raisins
She keeps hitting the back of my legs with her stick. I don't approve.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I think she fancies you

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Say "OUCH!"
and look really hurt and bewildered. Then turn round and go "And I thought old ladies were nice. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Or collapse and say you're going to sue her.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Belt her repeatedly in the face.
She'll soon stop.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Is it a white stick?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:01, Reply)