Today I am wearing SHORTS to WORK
Which means that I (and my lucky, lucky colleagues) am more painfully aware than usual of my acres of painfully white flesh.

My question is this. Can it ever be acceptable to fake tan, or is it an act which can only ever be attributed to an excess of vainglorious twattery?

Alt Q - which Hollywood action hero would win a WWE-style Royal Rumble? (Just to counterbalance the excess of gay, above)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 7:59, 77 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your colleagues
don't care about your legs, they are far too upset that you're not wearing a bag over your head to cover that horrific visage of yours.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:09, Reply)

Oh I've missed you Al
Now address the man-question. I want a Manswer
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:11, Reply)

Dolph Lundgren would win
He's proper hard.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:18, Reply)

I can see him picking up JCVD by the throat and lobbing him over the top rope
Mainly cos he did it in Universal Soldier. Well, not the rope bit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:19, Reply)

I've never actually seen Universal Soilder
and I feel this is a bad thing. I heard the new one, which also stars JCVD and Lundgren, is actually not that bad.

When compared to the original obviously, not when compared to say, some good films.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:23, Reply)

I thought the first one were bobbins
And that was when I was 13. I can only imagine how bad the sequel looks now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Rather than go for the gay theme
I notice that owners of fake tans are all incredibly dull, stupid, pointless people. Therefore it is never acceptable to have a fake tan.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:12, Reply)

Not even for Ballroom purposes?
That's not as dumb as it sounds, everyone who competes above a certain level of prowess in Ballroom has orange skin. It's tradition, or some shit. Ms Foxtrot and I are approaching this level.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:18, Reply)

Yes but
there's fake tan and then there's looking like you've been tangoed, or hit by some sort of powdery orange bomb. The latter is not acceptable, the former (ie, taking the edge off the blinding whiteness of your limbs) is.
(berk, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:22, Reply)

Why do you need to be anything other than natural healthy looking?
Do eskimo ballroom dancers spray up a nice orange, or asian ones tone down?

The whole colour thing screams out, "I look like a vacuous twat."
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:27, Reply)

^this
It's like the sales girls behind the 'beauty' counters in department stores. I think they must have competitions among the staff to see who can have the orangest face. On a scale running from satsuma to Jaffa.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:28, Reply)

Ballroom dancing is mostly about looking like a vacuous (and, ideally, arrogant) twat
That and technique
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:29, Reply)

and being south african and a bit racist

(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:33, Reply)

Unless you're calling Nicole Cutler a racist,
you've lost me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:37, Reply)

I thought it was about making it look effortless.
Gliding around as if the physical and mental discipline necessary was part of your DNA and no trouble at all.

But really it is about looking like an orange twat.

Find something more important to do, perhaps helping the non orange homeless.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:37, Reply)

That would be the technique part

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:40, Reply)

So you could be Gene Kelly on a good day,
But get marked down for not being orange enough?

Is the whole of the ballroom dancing world sponsored by the makers of beta carrotine?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:45, Reply)

No, but it SHOULD be!
Yes, I have seen people marked down for not looking the part sufficiently. No, it doesn't make sense. And before you say it, I know this makes a mockery of the "competition" aspect. Genuinely, it is mostly about technique, but you have to play the game
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Agreed
I was hoping for the latter. Although the top level of Ballroom is populated by the former
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:30, Reply)

Would you
rather look the part, and look like a twat though, or neither? It's not like layering shite on to your skin is going to make you dance any better, and you'd look fucking stupid when you went to do your rock DJing stuff.
(berk, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:32, Reply)

This is a very good point
I'm impressed that you knew that about me and thought of it!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:34, Reply)

Apart from special cases
like ballroom dancing shirters, it is never acceptable to have a fake tan.

I am one of the palest skinned people I know. My skin hardly tans, even after sun exposure which makes it redden (not the the point of burning though, that's just silly). It just fades back to a very slightly less bright white after a day or two*. I have in the past been on three week holidays in sunny climes, and on my return been told that I look like a need a holiday in the sun. I am not particularly bothered by this (except for the fact that I do need to use suncream a lot, as I tend to go bright red in the sun) and definitely would not use any artificial stuff to make me look tanned.

*I did manage to look vaguely off-white once after a holiday on a tropical island, but that's about it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:23, Reply)

Screw fake tan.
It's all about personally hunting people down and feeding them their keyboards these days.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:25, Reply)

I wish I was as hard and scary a train driver as Coopsweb
I'd totally bring the pain to any fucker who crossed me.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:28, Reply)

Yeah, I want more detail about who that was

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:28, Reply)

So do I
I thought most /OT people were either too incompetant (like myself) or above that sort of thing.

Even if it is quite amusing.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:32, Reply)

It wasn't "hacking" though was it
it was some muppet who let slip their password and someone who, as a laugh, posted as them. Hardly breaking into Fort Knox.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:34, Reply)

I'm less intrigued by who "hacked" it
And more by who got hacked. Maybe we've been misjudging someone as their twatty behaviour was someone else's fault.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:36, Reply)

Someone broke into my account and ranted some emo shit about some bloke I've never met who supposedly dumped me.
I mean FFs.
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:54, Reply)

Well that's rubbish
This whole thing is less amusing now that I know it happened to someone I like
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:56, Reply)

I know.
I mean who in their right mind would dump me.


You do realise I'm joking don't you?
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:57, Reply)

no
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:05, Reply)

nice work blousie ;-)

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Well I'm glad someone got it.

( girlinthehole, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Even if I'm not getting any.

(Off! popular for all the wrong reasons, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:41, Reply)

But you are not the victim this time, are you?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:58, Reply)

I've just asked for more details ( in a roundabout way)
If it's a matter of any consequence the truth will out.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 21 May 2010, 9:04, Reply)

I don't care.
I'm impressed by coop's manliness though, you mark my words we should all look up to him as the epitome of testosterone-driven man. Especially you, bumboy.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:38, Reply)

DON'T YOU SPEAK TO AL LIKE THAT

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:40, Reply)

No. it is never acceptable. People end up looking like an oompa loompa every time without fail.
And in answer to the Alt-Q, Arnold Swarzchenegger
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 21 May 2010, 8:33, Reply)

I concur
with the Governator part. I STILL wouldn't spill his pint
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:35, Reply)

Sly would fucking kill Arnie

(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Now he would
Not in the mid-80s though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Tan, fake or not,
is one of the reasons Eddie Jordan looks like a hairdresser. The elaborate shirts and designer glasses do not help.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:47, Reply)

I wonder
if he drives a Mazda MX5?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:55, Reply)

If you think men in tight shorts, oiled up and rolling around in a tight embrace
isn't gay then you're in more trouble than I thought!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:47, Reply)

I was wondering about this myself

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:54, Reply)

I am now prepared to concede that I did not think this through

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:57, Reply)

A most salient point.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Isn't there a myth going around
that JCVD bumped into Steven Seagal in a bar, (do you get "pubs" in the states?) and an argument followed. JCVD "called out" Steven Seagal for a duel, mano a mano only for Seagal to shit his keks and flee.

The hardest though was Arnie in his prime surely!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:48, Reply)

I cannot believe for a second
that Steven Seagal, of all people, would walk away from a fight with a man half his size, even JCVD
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Steven Seagal is a proper martial artist
but he is now old and quite fat. Whereas JCVD is still reasonably buff, so if it was recent then I can imagine Seagal bottling it, but in his prime he could totally have had JCVD.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:00, Reply)

My previous was based on Seagal's enormous ego
which is the upshot of his prodigious talent as a martial artist. You make a good point though Al, JCVD could dance circles around him these days
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Geoff Capes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:07, Reply)

I briefly met Geoff Capes when he was seeking sponsorship for some budgie* society from my employers of the time.
I thought he was a bit of a tit. A view confirmed by the boss of said company who spent quite a bit of time with him. He was apparently still attempting to play up his macho image despite being well past it.

* The birds, not the band or Siouxsie & The Bashees drummer.
(Cave Duck, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:20, Reply)

André the Giant

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Would he die on them in a scary way?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:10, Reply)

he would die
and then topple over onto them
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:11, Reply)

This guy had a bit of an alcohol problem
In fact in one sitting (according to wikipedia) drank 200 bottles of beer in one sitting.

Me and a group of mates took this to heart and decided that we would see if 4 (and later 5) of us could equal his prestigious record.

I think individually we were lucky to get more than 10 beers down our throat. Anything after that is hazy, but by god the floor of the flat was a terrible scene of tragedy. Dead bottles everywhere.

We never got close to breaking his record and that was between 4.5 of us.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:24, Reply)

science at its best

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Giant Haystacks

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:10, Reply)

I haven't briefly met Giant Haystacks, but the daughter of Audrey (who used to live three doors down from us with her spinster sister Mavis)
did have him turn up to view, when selling her house. He arrived with a small blonde woman who did all the talking and, it was reported, definitely wore the trousers.
(Cave Duck, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I can't believe no-one's said Chuck Norris yet

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:10, Reply)

that's because Chuck is a fucking pansy
wait....he's behind me isn't hjnrtht h5hbfb eb
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:12, Reply)

I would love to see you fight Chuck Norris
Seriously. Love it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:17, Reply)

"fucking Chuck Norris..."

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:20, Reply)

That is a fucking brilliant film
Easily Chuck's best work
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:22, Reply)

"Walker told me I have AIDS"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Brian Jacks

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Now there's a name from the past
Was it Superstars he always seemed to be on?

Doing squat thrusts.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Magnús Ver Magnússon

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:25, Reply)

The guy who used to host Mastermind?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:34, Reply)

That's him
(almost).

Uses brain over brawn.

In fact can you imagine Magnus Magnusson's brain in Magnús Ver Magnússon's body. I think that would be as close to an actual supervillain as we are likely ever to get. He could be called Magnus-Cubed.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Never ever wear fake tan
Takeshi Kovacs would destroy everything, twice (yes yes he is from a book not a hollywood action hero but I care not a jot.. what? ok fine, The bloke from Oldboy and his trusty hammer)
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I would say that a little fake tan is okay
Because the other option is to wear some tan tights under the shorts, like women do at the office I worked in. Nylons or 'mantyhose' would be a far gayer option.
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Fri 21 May 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Fucking fake tan?
MTFU and get some tattoos on your scrawny legs.
Big Japanese ones.
Bumder.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 21 May 2010, 10:02, Reply)