Driving test tomorrow (UK)
First try. I've had about 50 hours of lessons and I'm bricking it.

Any helpful advice for passing?

Alt Q: Give us your driving test horror stories
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:01, 70 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't drive like me
Four, possibly five failed tests and counting...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:03, Reply)

Here's some helpful advice for you:
Don't be such a fucking useless non-driving cunt
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:05, Reply)

Oh', yeah', sure, what the world needs, is another person poluting the planet so they can drive to the McDonalds drive through.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Driving fast with the stereo on full blast
is one of life's exquisite pleasures Gonz, you should give it a go.

...and besides, we'll be running out of oil soon anyway, make the most of it while you can
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:08, Reply)

I'll tell you what we're running out of, and that's clean unpoluted air and water.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:14, Reply)

You'll be long dead by the time it really matters
Son't have any kids and you can kick back, relax and enjoy your life.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:15, Reply)

Why should I resist my biological urges and responcbilities just because the goverments that you choose decide to line their pockets with blood money from evil corperations?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Blood money is the best kind of money

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Won't somebody think of the children?!
For the love of God Gonz, think of the children
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Please don't accouse me of "thinking" of the children, just because I love this planet and want it's survival to last more than my lifetime.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Are you serious, Gonz?
Are you high?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

No, just bored.
I think the planet will always find ways of fixing itself.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:25, Reply)

The planet will fix itself.
But we may not be part of the solution.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Hippy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Well hopefully
after tomorrow I won't be. Any tips for getting me to that stage?
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)

Like I said
Don't be such a fucking useless non-driving cunt.

Now, tell me why you've just made me repeat myself, before I reach through my monitor and twat you with a phonebook
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:09, Reply)

So...
in order to stop being such a fucking useless non-driving cunt, I need to stop being such a fucking useless non-driving cunt.

Tautology if I've ever heard it.
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:12, Reply)

That's the spirit!
*looks up tautology, again*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:13, Reply)

*had to do the same*

(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:14, Reply)

That wasn't tautology, you spastic
that was repetition for effect
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:15, Reply)

*is a spastic*

(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Don't take hallucinogenics...
...but find the right combination of coke for confidence and weed to help you relax.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Good luck
I passed first time. I had a mock test with my instructor beforehand which I failed miserably! But he did get me to drive around the route that the examiners take which helped.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Oooh, look at me
I'm all 'la-di-dah' with my passing first time shizness.

Passing second time is where the real winners are at
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)

are you invoking the "first the worst, second the best" rule here?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Can we clarify what third is?
Man with the hairy chest? Strongest in the west? Who knows..
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Third is the one who Bert sucks off best

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:11, Reply)

one with the hairy chest is what I heard
and fourth for some reason being a golden eagle
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:12, Reply)

It took my ex 5 goes
My ex, the mother of my child that is, not lying, cheating bitchwhore ex who passed first time
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:13, Reply)

I passed first time
I had to though because the rest of my family did, and I would've been mocked for it.

On my test we went a way I'd never been before, let alone driven myself. I suspect I probably would've failed if we'd gone the normal way.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:15, Reply)

LEAST INTERESTING POST OF THE HOUR

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:16, Reply)

I agree

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Do you have a special Devonshire test
whereby you have to overtake a tractor, avoid a cow and shag your sister on the back seat?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:17, Reply)

there is that one
but I don't have a sister so wasn't eligible
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:18, Reply)

You can have mine
I know I have
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:19, Reply)

who hasn't?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:22, Reply)

*High fives*
*runs over pensioner*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:10, Reply)

I was so nervous my legs shook (I was only 17 and dreaded the piss taking I would get for failing)

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:11, Reply)

yet you still passed?
Clearly your examiner was a kiddie fiddler, and you were wearing your mum's freshly pressed Daisy Dukes
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:12, Reply)

He was a kind gentle man
I didnt understand the last highway code question though, "Does this rag smell of chloroform?"

Anyway, when I woke up I had a driving licence, not that I could sit down to drive for about a week...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Keep checking your mirrors
I failed my first one for that. I passed my third one by pretty much walking my head round all mirrors every 20 seconds or so.

Horror story - missed my 2nd driving test by getting the time wrong. Had been waiting 2 months :(
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:06, Reply)

And make it obvious you are checking them.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Exactly this. Don't look with your eyes, look with your head.

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Offer oral favours...
I saw a film where these two lesbians did that and passed easy peasy.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)

don't stress yourself out
I passed my test, no problems, even parallel parked for the first time during the test
12 years on, I'm not sure I could pass it again on the first try
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:09, Reply)

Don't speed or go to slow, look in your mirrors, but not too much you need to keep your eyes on the road
drive confidently but with caution, make sure you stop abruptly when you do the emergency stop, but don't stop too quickly.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:10, Reply)

My mother was friends with the examiner
I didn't know how to drive, but I passed.

You don't want to lend me your car.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:14, Reply)

In fact
That was the second time I tried. The first time, the other examiner was friends with my mother, and I failed anyway.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Where was this?
Is it racist to think it was Spain?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:40, Reply)

I don't think it'd be
Yes, it was there. Quite a lot of people owns favours to my mother.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 17:24, Reply)

When they tell you to pull up at the side of the road
Make sure you're not about to stop on double yellow lines. Failed my first test for that one.

Remember that when examiners appear to be writing on their clipboard, most of the time they are faking it to confuse you about where your real errors are.


And when in doubt, start frantically crying and wanking while screaming the Lord's prayer.

/old school
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Yes, this is an old trick to fail people
the old examining centre in weston used to have yellow lines outside, people would fail at the very end by stopping on them.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:28, Reply)

If you stall DO NOT PANIC...you can't fail for stalling.
Apply the handbrake, put the gear into neutral, then mirror/signal/manoeuvre and away you go.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:19, Reply)

You can if you do it in the middle of a busy junction and then piss yourself

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:20, Reply)

You would fail for panicking (yes, "pissing yourself")
If you make the car safe (handbrake/gear in neutral) and then M/S/M before pulling away you will be fine.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Actually
They can't fail you for stalling once, as long as it's not somewhere like a sliproad. If you repeatedly stall for no good reason then they can fail you for poor car control.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 18:50, Reply)

50 hours of lessons?
Just accept that some people aren't meant to drive and take up knitting instead.
( broadsword, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:29, Reply)

To be honest
I feel like I was ready about a month ago, but I booked the test early (after about 8 lessons) and my instructor said it's best to be safe and make sure I have the best chance of passing 1st time.
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:34, Reply)

In the mean time he had a couple of grand off you in extra lessons.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Gotta pay for them crackwhores somehow

( broadsword, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Good Luck
I passed 1st time after 18 lessons.

Reversing the horse was the most difficult bit.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I like a good bit of 'reversing the horse'

( broadsword, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I knew that sounded a bit of a euphanism
so I left it in.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I like a good bit of 'leaving it in'

( broadsword, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:44, Reply)

etc.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:48, Reply)

If it sounded good 'twas a euphonism.
If it was avoiding vulgarity it might have been a euphemism.

Or it might have been bestiality.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Best advice I can give
Is remember that if you fail its not that big a deal and you can always retake. Nerves are what cause most people to fail. Try and get on top of them and you should be fine. Oh and don't crash in to a police car or post van like my Aunt did.
( Peej, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:46, Reply)

a guy I was at school with had the car smashed to shit by a big lorry on his test
not his fault at all.

he had to pull the instructor out of the wreckage.

he failed.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:53, Reply)

oh my god that is just the worst luck ever.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 17:31, Reply)

When you do pass, don't speed
I lost my licence doing that and had to take my test again.

I passed first time twice, but still, it was really annoying being a learner again.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 17:31, Reply)