Today I have seen a midget, an albino and five mongs
All I need now is a spastic, an amputee and a flid for the full set.

Have I ever told you what my favourite thing about summer is? I think I have, but I've done a search, nothing came up and I can't remember
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:13, 92 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

well then go on and tell us

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Actually please don't bother.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Nothing you say matters, Monty
Your sister's penchant for black cock has invalidated anything you have to say, ever
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:28, Reply)

is having a penchant for black cock a bad thing?
since when?
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:30, Reply)

These are your favourite websites
lmgtfy.com/?q=black+cock

Please Note: I expect this to be NSFW
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I just clicked the first result, and I swear most of them are photoshopped.
There is no way someone in real life has a 6" cock.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I love you

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:52, Reply)

=)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:25, Reply)

He's referring to the rape of my sister.
What a comedy legend.


PS The 'yoursisterhasaids.com' reference that the spineless, black-tie wearing cyclist has just deleted, refers to the HIV infection my sister got as a result.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Wjy keep engaging me if you don't like it?
You sick, masochistic fuck
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:35, Reply)

I'm hoping you'll fuck off again.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I wouldn't count on it
Mind you, he might get banned again.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Won't happen this time
I find your whinging absolutely delicious
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:40, Reply)

saddest of sad faces ever

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:52, Reply)

No need, my dear - apparently it's hilarious.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Where did you see them?
On your dating site? Were they suggested matches?


Alt reply: Well it's nice that your daughter's brought some friends home from school at last.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

No, the only dating website I use is
yoursisterhasaids.com

Stick to what you do best Monty, complaining about popstars who haven't been around for thirty odd years
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Stick to what you do best Bert
....which, according to your dating profile is 'making people feel good about themselves'*

If that's really what you do best you are in worse trouble than I thought, you humourless tosser.


*you owe me a new Irony-ometer. Mine has melted.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:29, Reply)

You're right
It's not like I could possibly be different in real life to how I am on here.
I did write that with a strong feelibg of irony as I did so, but the fact is that out of here that's what people say I'm best at.

Most likely because I'm an incorrigable shit.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:33, Reply)

...who cannot spell.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I may not have spelled incorrigible correctly
but at least I'm not stupid enough to whine about AIDs jokes on a sick joke website.

You're an old man, for fuck's sake, have some sense
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:39, Reply)

I'm 36, you miserable little queer.
So you're terminally insensitive, poorly-educated (or just plain thick), you're desperately lonely and you look like a jug-eared inbred James Bond wannabe.

GOOD ON YA!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Hahahaha!
Genius.

I apologise sincerely for my mean comments, please don't call me names again, it hurts so bad
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:45, Reply)

It's a great excuse isn't it
It's B3ta, nothing is off limits. Which to a point is fine when making abstract jokes, but you're not, you're deliberately targeting a single member of the board with a personal insult against a member of their family who has a very unpleasant disease. At best it just shows you to be pretty unoriginal and at worst it makes you baldmonkey.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:41, Reply)

surely that's a bit harsh
i mean come on, baldmonkey? thats a terrible thing to call anyone (except baldmonkey of course)
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:48, Reply)

i must agree
that being called "baldmonkey" is potentially defamatory and could result in a high value damages claim.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I'm taking a stand on this one
I believe Ian Hislop will be funding my legal battle. I intend use Rachelswipe's breasts as my first witness.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I'm afraid they have other plans

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Do they involve her father and some whipped cream?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:59, Reply)

they might....

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:03, Reply)

um yeah
they might be busy that night too
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:15, Reply)

in all fairness
my breasts more often get in the way of witnessing things. like my feet, for example.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Mine do
And I've dipped them in my dinner twice this year
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:06, Reply)

what was it?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:07, Reply)

dj's cock surrounded with mashed potato

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:08, Reply)

sounds tasty

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:08, Reply)

Only with decent gravy though

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:09, Reply)

the baby sort?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:17, Reply)

that's for afters

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Oh man that would rule

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:09, Reply)

pesky things
get right in the way!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:11, Reply)

My family make a big deal of it as well
"Hahah she's dipped her thripnies in her dinner!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:12, Reply)

when i was little apparently i saw my grandma in the nak
and asked my mother very loudly why my grandma had "three tummies".

if only i had known at the age of 2 that the fucking things were hereditary, i'd have slept in a bra since.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:15, Reply)

I slept in my bra for a great deal of my late teens and early 20s
I hope it has served some purpose
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:16, Reply)

if your nips aren't on speaking terms with your knees just yet
i'd say you're ok. i have been using anti-wrinkle cream since i was about 13, that better work too!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:22, Reply)

Forgot about the anti-wrinkle thing
And I'm allergic to everything now so it's way too late :(
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:24, Reply)

I've just passed 30
and as a result I shall be shopping for my first bra soon. Can you recommend any good brands who'd cater for a 42AA?
( Kroney, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:25, Reply)

marks and sparks
they will measure you too. you could actually be a 44AAA.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:33, Reply)

my mum swears by suncream
she's made me put it on practically every day since I was thirteen. It had better work
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:25, Reply)

I've been factor 40-ing since I was 17

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:27, Reply)

We're just ridiculously pale
I'm the only person I know who buys factor 50 stuff
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:28, Reply)

It's a very sensible thing to do though
After spending time in Oz I never use anything below Factor 30.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:29, Reply)

My familiy believed in burning yourself enough times that it didn't burn any more
Not me though. I'm factor 50 now.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:30, Reply)

that just sounds painful
glad you were the sensible one
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:32, Reply)

me too
before my mother died my parents had a holiday home in spain, and she used to have to buy me factor 50. it invariably said "para los ninos" (for kids).

i was 22 when they bought it.

my father, meanwhile, could tan in siberia at midnight. he is positively mahogany coloured now from golf. and at 67, barely a wrinkle in sight. most unfair, why the hell did i not inherit that?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:32, Reply)

To be fair
baldmonkey is a massive cunt who looks like the slightly more effeminate cousin of Alan Carr.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 23 Jun 2010, 19:32, Reply)

*sigh*
There's an ignore button.
But you'd all rather poke sticks through the bars of his cage.
This is all very boring for everybody else y'know.
And I can't put you on ignore because I love you. A bit.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:51, Reply)

They can't help it, Roota
All the kids that go to posh schools are inbred
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Oi
I'm not taking sides.
I'm trying to be fair and point out why everyone here is being a divvy.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:55, Reply)

I'm not having a go at you, Roota
I know you're right
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:03, Reply)

My mother admitted that once
But then she slapped me anyway
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:05, Reply)

You shouldn't have been so bloody cheeky then should you.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:06, Reply)

If being right is being cheeky then yes I should
Please don't throw your ciggies and lighter at me again Mum!!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Oh yeah Roota!
And what would the world be like if we had all just "ignored" Hitler eh!? EH!?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:54, Reply)

You tell me
You're worse than him after all!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:56, Reply)

Oi!
There's nothing wrong with a bit of Hitler, I've always said.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:56, Reply)

it's the rest of him thats the problem

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:09, Reply)

He had the worst teeth I have ever seen. The poor man must have been driven quite mad with pain.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:13, Reply)

mad enough to KILL THE JEWS

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:26, Reply)

I was at the accountants today, fucking jews.


( Hitler I just want to be loved, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:54, Ignore, Reply, I like this!)
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lol, calm down, it's not because he's a jew, it's because he's an accountant

( Hitler I just want to be loved, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:59, Ignore, Reply, I like this!)
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Could be worst, could be black

( Hitler I just want to be loved, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:02, Ignore, Reply, I like this!)
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Oh fuck off with your "Daily Mail" bullshit, it's like a race to be a fucking hippy here, bunch of gardien readers.... fuck this, I'm going down the local

( Hitler I just want to be loved, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:05, Ignore, Reply, I like this!)
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Oh man, you should have seen what I got up to down the pub today
It all kicked off, I was on a rant and these guys started clapping and asked me to speak to a group of people next week. Who the fuck is this Edmund person, does he realise I'm a bloke? What a fucking sicko.
( Hitler I just want to be loved, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 22:32, Ignore, Reply, I like this!)
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( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:24, Reply)

Oh Gonz you really have outdone yourself here
that is a work of utter genius.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:30, Reply)

^ this ^
needs a popular page of its own this does.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:39, Reply)

Applauds

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Your family are in town, then?

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:29, Reply)

I got groped by a midget once.
It wasn't pleasant.
I also got to kiss one.
That was relatively pleasant.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:29, Reply)

i think we need to hear the midget groping story!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:52, Reply)

You saw an albino?
Did he have red eyes?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:48, Reply)

i knew an albino once
fucking knob he was.

we once convinced him that his appendix could explode, taking away half of his internal organs
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:50, Reply)

Did he have red eyes?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 16:52, Reply)

slightly red yes
amongst other colours
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:13, Reply)

I knew an albino girl at uni
she was absolutely stunning, like a living marble statue. I'm amazed she didn't become a model. She was nice as well.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:21, Reply)

My mate has a crippling phobia of albinos

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:22, Reply)

Really?
Do you get many round your way?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:24, Reply)

No but if I see one I have to say
"Look, just don't turn round right now"
and she says "Don't say any more, I can take a hint. Don't talk about it any more"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:25, Reply)

Is it a form of inverted racism?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:28, Reply)

She gets shivery and scared
I dunno
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:30, Reply)

Ah well, there could be worse things to be scared of
I cant imagine it effects her day to day life much. I'm scared of self aware robots with guns who hate humans, but I manage to get by.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:35, Reply)

I like albino girls.
the boys scare me a little more.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:32, Reply)

If I was an albino I would dye my hair jet black (if their hair will take a dye)
I imagine the look would be quite striking, certainly now that vampires are cool again.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:38, Reply)

Today
I had fresh Orkney Oysters at a nice riverside french restaurant. Were bloomin loverly.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:27, Reply)

I think it's fishing you like
particularly baiting the hook. You must be doing something wrong though, because I've only ever seen you catch shit.
( Kroney, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:40, Reply)

I haven't seen anyone in any of those categories today.
However, tomorrow evening I will be spending time with a pub-flid.
It's a curious condition, to the eye, his arms appear to be of normal length, but actually they don't quite reach his pockets when at the bar.
(Cave Duck, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 17:48, Reply)