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(

rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)

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What would you change about the internet if you were some awesome hacker/coder or something?
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:33, 142 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I would steal shit.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:34, Reply)

What sort of shit?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:35, Reply)

Human shit, mainly
Later on some horse shit, but not much, because he's only curious, y'know? Everyone's curious, so it's ok, right?
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:38, Reply)

It'll be only a matter of time till he wants to experiment with dog shit though.
And that's just wrong
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Near the top
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11474311
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:42, Reply)

I like the pope being struck by a meteor.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:45, Reply)

Me too
I'm hoping for a case of life imitating art.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Wrong?
But oh so right.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

clothes, computer games, nothing major
just fun stuff. I don't do much with the internet now so I don't want to cause any problems. I would clear out firebox.com and Iwantoneofthose.com too.
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:38, Reply)

I like Labia's answer more.

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:42, Reply)

so do I unfortunately.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Oh, don't worry
You can experiment with your own, until the world understands you and you can get someone elses.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:46, Reply)

you are my fairy godmother
AICMFP

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Oh, thank you!
It's the first time I get a picture :)

I don't know how to put it on my profile, so I'll keep it in my heart.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:53, Reply)

you're so sweet it's unbelievable.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Hahaha
It's all facade. In reality I'm a vicious witch.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:02, Reply)

you are TGB
AICMFP, you owe me a tenner Spaniard. x
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:03, Reply)

5 pounds is not a tenner!
I'll give it to you when I see you on the next bash, when is that going to be, then?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

I'd ban you from Milton Keynes

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:35, Reply)

That's not how the internet works.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:35, Reply)

So I can't hack into
Police records and give you an ASBO for the whole of MK.

*Sadface*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:37, Reply)

Asbos are given out by the courts aren't they?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:41, Reply)

thanks to my over zealous friend and some vodka i have the ASBO app
on my iphone. it tells me how many ASBOs there are wherever you happen to be and gives stats. anyone wants to know how many ASBOs there are in their area, just ask...
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Stratford-upon-Avon
Please.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:43, Reply)

what's the administrative area?
i suspect it may be towards the bottom of the leaderboard (loserboard more like)
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Not sure what you mean
Stratford District Council? Warwickshire Police?
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:47, Reply)

usually the council
ok:

10.2% (low level of anti-social behaviour)

population: 117,800
police: warwickshire
asbos issued: 135

there you go!
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Thanks!
*awkward silence*
Nice shoes.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:51, Reply)

it is the most pointless app in the world
oh no wait. that would be the churchill app that my friend's bf spent 6 months designing. i fear i may be the only person to have bought it.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

bRISTOL please

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:55, Reply)

council, please!
avon and somerset maybe? my geography is dire.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

South Gloucestershire

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

There is at least one isn't there Bob.
Yours.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:03, Reply)

you what now?

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:04, Reply)

You are ASBO boy.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:04, Reply)

They don't give asbo's out for being cool jeff.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

15.5% anti-social
pop: 256,500
police: avon and somerset
asbos: 105

croissant for you
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:07, Reply)

thanks miss but I'd rather not, carbs are bad.
*worships*
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Free porn for everyone.

(

girlinthehole, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:36, Reply)

That's pretty much already available.
We just need more, better porn.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:36, Reply)

I was joshing.

(

girlinthehole, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:38, Reply)

how do people find all this free porn?
and where does it come from? someone must have bought it in the first place to put it on one of those torrenty things, right?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:41, Reply)

Some websites have lots of free previews.
Not that I'd know.
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:43, Reply)

And you can download the films too
My ex had tons of it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:45, Reply)

yeah but you have to pay for the download don't you?

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Even though I could post some of the knowledge on Internet porn that I've garnered through my job
I'll still look like a massive pervert.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Haha it's ok
I'm not a spinster anymore so my porn-perusal has declined
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:49, Reply)

No
You can use a torrent and get it for free. He had thousands of them and never paid a penny. He then left them in the flat when he moved. I imagine he's got a few more now.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

No, and no
5 mins on google and you'll find as much free porn as you could ever want. Just keep your antivirus up to date.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Haha look at the response
You bunch of miscreants.
Thieving deviants!
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Renew or die (or something similar)
The cinema (porn or not) industry can't stop the internet, therefore they need to think of different ways of making money, or die (dye?... no, die, I think)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

this is why i asked the question!
i love it when a plan comes together.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:55, Reply)

You gave yourself too early
Only 3 people replied and one (me) talked from someone elses' experience. Average to poor.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

someone's going to say "your face"
it might as well be me.

i think you should be able to get things from it instantly. i don't want to have to wait 5 working days for my delivery, i want it to come out of the screen, like the chocolate bars in "charlie and the chocolate factory".

this might not work for outsize or bulky items though.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:37, Reply)

I can get stuff sameday from Amazon,
but that's because their distribution center is down the road.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:40, Reply)

in america?

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Their UK distribution center.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:41, Reply)

i was referring to the american spelling
(i didn't say it was clever or funny)
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:41, Reply)

I did.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:46, Reply)

yes but you're biased darling

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Indeed so.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

haha beat me to it.
'Same' and 'day' are separate words too.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:45, Reply)

Srs: Identify and arrest all paedos
Lulz: Simultaneously hack the main sites for Microsoft, Apple, Google Chrome OS and the major Linux distros and announce that they were all merging into one, unified OS. Then watch all the fanboys go mental.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:37, Reply)

^
I like that
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:43, Reply)

The ability to throw acid in someones face

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:39, Reply)

I would ban morons and people who talk in text talk from it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:41, Reply)

I think that would make the internet a bit more boring.
Your idea is vetoed.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Chompy did EXACTLY what I was going to do to him...

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:49, Reply)

Deleted the thread?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Indeed

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

There's only a certain level of pathetic white knight pandering I can accept in reply to my posts.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:51, Reply)

It was a little bit of white knighting
But mostly I did it for the Chompy Disagreeing.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Absolute bollocks,
if that was any male b3tan you would have ignored it. Don't try and deny it mr I'm in a long term relationship.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Why does it honestly matter that much to you?
Everyone white knights every now and then.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Kitty white knighted me once
Apparently, I missed it, but she gaz'd me about it afterwards.
OMG KITTY WANTS ME! But she's in a relationship too? What does it all mean?!
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:58, Reply)

Stuff like this.
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post780968
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post806933
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post799007
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

I promised you I wouldn't do pics of you again
And I have kept that promise.
Edit: Plus, can you search for all of your posts I've clicked or commented favourably on? Let's keep things in context ;)
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:02, Reply)

Depends on the male b3tan
If it was Noel, for example, I would have done the same. Just like there are female b3tans I'd have not white-knighted.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Like me
But I don't need it. If someone says something bad about me, I just don't reply and go to the corner to cry for 10 min until I feel better. It works every time.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:59, Reply)

I'll white knight you for tapas and sangria

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

...what's white knighting?

(berk, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Coming to the rescue of, or defending someone

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:11, Reply)

when a third party b3tan steps in to defend a party engaged in bickering or a little disagreement

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:11, Reply)

And green and potatoes, I'd imagine.

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

That's included in the tapas
Albondigas too please, and anchovies. NOM.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:11, Reply)

Ok, ok
By the time you finish eating you'll be having an indigestion and will be unable to defend me.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:14, Reply)

You wound me with this assumption

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Well
How are you planing to run on my defense with your belly full of meat, your head suffering the effects of the alcohol and your hands greasy with the olive oil?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Create a virus that when someone was watching porn...
...it would switch on their camera, open Skype, and send a live feed to everyone in the address book.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:43, Reply)

*doesn't have skype or a webcam*
I'll allow it.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:47, Reply)

I like Randall Newman (edit: pronounced "Munroe")'s (xkcd) idea
of installing a speech function, which, before you can post your comment on youtube, reads it back to you.

Edit: www.xkcd.com/481/ this one, in fact
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:43, Reply)

That sounds great
I think it'd be good to add an alcohol analyser to it too, so you can't connect if your above the limit.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:44, Reply)

They used to have that on there anyway, didn't they?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:44, Reply)

I love youtube comments,
my all time fave, on a video of the Berlin wall coming down.
FUK YEA DEMOCRACY PWNZ
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:45, Reply)

It's Munroe :)

(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:46, Reply)

I had a nagging feeling I was spelling it wrong...

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Don't be so hard on yourself
You got three whole letters right.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:51, Reply)

I'd sort out an everlasting Oyster card
and free online shopping.

MOAR MONEY FOR ME -jews-
(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Unlimited cash to come through my laptop screen and the ability to stick my penis in to the internet via my laptop to receive a bj whenever I liked.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:48, Reply)

So you want a monitor that works as a glory hole?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Yes, with an unlimited choice of sensations and variable voices and images to accompany it.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

I'm hacking them all
So you only see Bobby's face slurping on your cock.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:53, Reply)

I have just vomited. Thanks.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

"sensation one: a St Bernard going at hot chips"

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:55, Reply)

I was thinking more along the lines of Daisy Donovan with an ice cube and a mug of warm tea.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

~~Daisy~~ Jason
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

hahaha!

(

sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:03, Reply)

You shit.
There's tea all over my laptop screen, now. And I bet it invalidates Apple's warranty because it isn't fairtrade organic Lapsang Souchon.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Ice cubes?
I imagine that'd only be a little better than cocaine on the glans.
(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

Ice cube in the mouth to cool the mouth for a few seconds prior to insertion, then warm tea in the mouth, then ice cubes again ad infinitum

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:02, Reply)

It's one of those things that's great in theory
but in practice just results in a lot of interruptions, and the ice cube melting or the tea going cold before you'd really want them to.....
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:03, Reply)

Fair point.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

If you lived in a cafe it would be OK

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

Oh, I see
I remember playing the ice cube game with my first boyfriend- kiss it back and forth. I'd always end up going down on him afterwards. I thought you meant actually IN the mouth during blozzas. That'd not be so nice.
(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:09, Reply)

blozzas?!!
Hahahaha! That made me snort!
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Usually prefaced with "cheeky"

(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:14, Reply)

It's not that good at all.
Extra Strong Mints FTW.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:02, Reply)

I shall ask the gf to try this. Champagne doesn't work we found out - bloody painful

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Take the foil off before you stick the bottle up your arse next time

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

Thanks. I will wait until I have a Salmanazar to try with.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

*officelol*
*clicks*
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

basically I would be able to watch any tv show or movie I want to for free

(

Lisette von Falcon, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:49, Reply)

With no time limits!
Fucking megavideo.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:51, Reply)

That will happen in time I think.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

it is ABOUT FUCKING TIME

(

Lisette von Falcon, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

I would hack into and irrevocably corrupt all online 'games'
so that all the WoWists and suchlike all cried and were sad and had to go outside of their sweaty wankpits, and deal with real people not from 'the realm of Thringor', and come to terms with the fact that they were fat, spotty nerds with halitosis and no social skills, not 'Level 9 Paladins' after all.

That would please me no end.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:53, Reply)

I like this, one problem though - it would mean all these socially inadequate nerds being out in public mixing with the rest of us.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:55, Reply)

I was going to say that too

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:58, Reply)

Oh stop it.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

You don't understand me

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

"Yeah so was I" (c) Jimmy Hill 1987

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

No problem at all.
You dress like a member of Gwar and wait outside the 'sweaty wankpits' - when they emerge squinting at the daylight you hack them to bits with a broadsword.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

Then they'd all be outside in places you want to be.
And then you'll come on here and moan about the people outside.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

I was going to say that

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

~~They~~ we, don't you mean?
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

I can't afford outside so I'll just have to read a book in the dark.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

This has made me feel very sad.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:04, Reply)

"sweaty wankpits"
glorious
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

I'd ban txt spk
so in code terms I'd code an automatic translator into things like facebook status updates so no matter what someone wrote it would become legible.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:13, Reply)

That'd be cool
I've been using Gonz's webpage, but I think I'm missing the funniest status because I write properly.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 14:16, Reply)

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