Sorry Phillie
But I need help.

I've just had my ex-landlord on the phone, threatening to take me to court. He's saying that the paint needs redoing, the oven needs a reclean, the carpets need cleaning, and the all the rest of the furniture needs removing.

Now, I'd agreed with him that I was removing the rest of the furniture tomorrow morning (although he was expecting less to be left), but I'm shitting myself.

I'm going to be there this weekend, doing all of the above, but what the fuck can I do if he says it's not good enough?

Sorry to be serious, but I really need help.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:01, 84 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Clean the place up and take photos of everything.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

^THIS
Take photos when you finish.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

Make sure there's some reflecto-porn shots in there, too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:24, Reply)

1) he won't take you to court
2) have you recieved the deposit back?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Nope, he's saying he'll withold the deposit, and issue me with a CCJ for extra

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:07, Reply)

He's trying to pull a fast one.
Unless you've been treating the place like shit then don't worry.
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:09, Reply)

There's been damage, but nothing major
But as this is my first place, I really want to keep on his good side.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

Right 2 things to say to him
firstly you will tidy the flat to what you believe is a decent standard as quickly as possible.
Secondly say as you have threatened court action you believe that it best be dealt with through the deposit protection schemes complaint procedure. Find out which scheme he's put your deposit in.
If he hasn't protected it say that any court action will be instantly counter claimed for the statutary penalty of 3x the depost plus costs under the 2004 housing act. Failure to return the deposit will also meet with court action.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

And put everything in writing and keep copies.

( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

OK, the tidying is going to happen tonight, and tomorrow morning. Then I can get a proper look at the paint, and see what the issues are
Currently, I'm shaking like a shitting dog, so while I know I need to speak to him, I think I'd explode if I did.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:16, Reply)

I'll call him what;s the number

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Blousie's right: he's trying it on. A lot of smaller agents/landlords do this in the hope that the tenant will just acquiesce and let them keep the whole deposit.
Everything Chompy says makes a lot of sense and could prove very useful to you when you write your response. And I do mean write. Get everything in writing (ideally a letter but email usually works) and make sure you keep a copy.

For guidelines on writing stinking formal letters, see the letter about halfway down the 'best of' on my profile. Apart from altering the names and numbers for anonymity's sake, it's a genuine article.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Just be calm and confidant and don't let him scare you.

( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Ring the deposit protection schemes and see if you're covered.
If not don't even bother to clean up.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:28, Reply)

DPS 0844 4727 000
My deposits: 0844 980 0290
and there's one more, I'll try to find it.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Just spoke to the letting agency, it is protected under the DPS

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Ah cool, that's probably the best one
have you got the deposit ID if so log in here and have a look at your account https://www.depositprotection.com/login.aspx
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Not on me, but I know where it is at home, I'll check that when I get in
Cheers, I appreciate the help.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:47, Reply)

the TDS is there to stop tenants being ripped off
he will have to justify deductions.

he could issue court proceedings for the balance, i used to get tenants bringing claims for stupid amounts like £60 of carpet cleaning "because of the principle". but: (i) he will only do this if he is unreasonable and moronic; and (ii) it would be nothing to panic about, so don't be scared of the threat. unless you've trashed the place and set fire to it, clearly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Best advice is to basically chill out.
The law takes ages and you've got plenty of rights, the courts aren't impressed with shouty landlords just the facts.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

the other one is TDS
you can check if you're protected online.
www.thedisputeservice.co.uk/
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

YOU'RE fucking 'TDS'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

ONE TIME I TRY TO BE HELPFUL AND YOU RUIN IT

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)

One important point
He's not allowed to withold the deposit, any deductions he wants to make must be declared to you in full before he makes them. You, of course, have every right to object to these deductions and I suggest you do.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

Also, I'm pretty sure he can't issue you with a CCJ
That's for the court to do.

He is probably trying to scare you out of your deposit. As the other have said, clean the place, take some photos, argue that some bits are fair wear and tear and agree to a resonable amount for any damage.

The deposit has to be kept in the deposit protection scheme thingy.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:16, Reply)

I'm currently issuing a ccj
it'll take 4-6weeks minimum.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:26, Reply)

But it's issued through the court isn't it?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Yep, you have to apply for a judge to read the case.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:29, Reply)

the ccj IS the court order
you can only get one without a hearing in very exceptional circumstances, eg where the defendant is too much of a muppet to file a defence.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

If only OffTopic had a poster who knew something about
Property Law.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

Yeah, it's a shame Bert got banned.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:08, Reply)

oh man that would be totally awesome
Seeing how we haven't though

BURN THE PLACE DOWN
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:08, Reply)

As far as I know
All we have is an alcoholic nympho who occasionally pretends to work. Shame.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:11, Reply)

Monty?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

I'm afraid the answer we were looking for was
L/Vampito
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:16, Reply)

-_-

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Oioi jingles.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Alwiiiiiight
Sorry, I was really busy yesterday as regards your gaz and I am not creative at the moment. Did you come up with anything?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Yeah, kinda.
Nice lady but I do feel like registering stickyourearcandlesupyourarse.co.uk for her.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Excellent, I would buy ear candles from there!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)

But her hair is in good condition.
You forgot that PoD. It might be important.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:14, Reply)

As above
clean really well, take photos of everything, and if you really can't find space for the furniture, then break it up and get rid of it.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Is the landlord in the deposit protection scheme?

( Peej, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:09, Reply)

I don't know

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:17, Reply)

Well you would have had to sign something
to acknowledge that your deposit is protected. If he isn't in the scheme he's breaking the law and you are entitled to it all back regardless of damage. Ask him if your deposit is protected by the deposit protection scheme. www.depositprotection.com/
( Peej, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Post him a poo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:25, Reply)

computerclusterlols

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Talking of posting poo
Did the shit I mailed you turn up? Or does my scabby postage policy mean you're still waiting?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Doesn't it make it all the more satisfying if the recipient has, to add insult to injury,
had to pay the extra postage to collect it from the depot?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)

hahaha
As Monty will soon find out!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

I got a card from ye postmanne.
I'll get it tomorrow morning if I'm up before they close at noon.

Thank you sir.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)

Trust me.
It's not worth getting out of bed early for.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I may be still up.
And I live 100 yards from the collection office.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:36, Reply)

You'll need some batteries as well.
(God this must look weird if anyone is skim-reading this).
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

What if it gets stuck in my botty?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)

hahahaha!

( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Then you're doing it wrong.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Find out where he lives.
Poo in the water reservoir in his car engine.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Ah, good, a poo-themed revenge thread again.
It's been too long*


*rather like the 'bot dog' I crimped out earlier.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:31, Reply)

Hahaha! Presumably served with plenty of mustard and fried onions
to disguise it up until the actual moment of ingestion?

Or was it too big for the bun?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Why is it always the men who start up poo threads or jokes?

( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Is it because 'men are shit'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

chauvinismlolz

( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Might be. I hadn't thought of that.

( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:37, Reply)

That, and because men like myself are still sufficiently childish to giggle every time we pass
a roadsign that warns of "Major Cable Laying Works."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

They're right you know
it *does* work
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Yes to both.
But you can get away with it by either snipping a bit off the end or by claiming to have 'burnt it a bit but it should taste OK'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Ha! I imagine what's left over
would make for an excellent 'Chod in the Hole.'
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Best pooh revenge I ever did was at boarding school
One of the sixth formers kept nicking money off me so I retrieved a fresh log from the toilet and put bits in his margarine and jams and just mashed them all up to you couldn't really tell and left it.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

That was their first mistake.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

pfft!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

I know, margarine is fucking disgusting...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

At uni someone planted a tree in one of the hall toilets
Thus making the term "retrieve a log" biologically possible. I should imagine bark in your jam wouldn't be too bad
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I don't get it?
but I am off now so it can remain a mystery. Have a good weekend Mr Boyce.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Will do, chutney, will do.
Don't forget to wear your gayest shoes!!!!!111!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

You were a "shit masher" at boarding school?
i'm sure you've left all that behind you now
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:44, Reply)

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

ha ha ha ha ha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

swipe's 3 steps to success
1 dig out your inventory from when you moved in;

2 leave it as clean and tidy as you can;

3 if he gives you any shit, gaz me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Don't worry swipe I've already covered this one,
I'm better at property law than you anyway.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

it's a good job that everyone knows you are being sarcastic
and/or misguided
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

I have no practical advice that would be of any use...
...but do offer you moral support; and can maybe supply you with a decent playlist to use as a soundtrack if you decide to disembowel the bastard.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 15:41, Reply)

I think I'd start with "Hammer Smashed Face", then move on from there!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 16:02, Reply)

Good luck with it all - hope it works out for you.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 16:19, Reply)