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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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New thread for cool people who don't post crappy puns.
Hey girls, hey boys.....here we go.

You are supposed to be able to buy anything you want on the internet. Can I find the bag I'm looking for? Fuck no!

Fashion sadface!

I can only think of one question and you lot won't be able to answer it.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:17, 132 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Tell us about the bag.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:20, Reply)
It's got a hole in the top, Jeff.
GUTTED!
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:22, Reply)
Also, I can't get a handle on this thread.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
I think I'll give myself the sack.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
I'll give you a hand
bag
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
Much as I'd love to carrier on with this
I have to go and pick step son up from his gf's.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:25, Reply)
Oh they're back on again?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
Boom-chicki-wah-wah

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:27, Reply)
Yep.
All seems well so far...
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:27, Reply)
You don't want to know about the bag.
You're just humouring me.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
Either you're correct
Or he's one of them there bumders.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
Then God I hope I'm right.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
Is the question
'Where can I find this bag?' or 'What does it sound like when angry sharks have sex?'

I don't know the answer to either of these questions.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:20, Reply)
I don't think anyone should have sex when they're angry.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
Is it OK to be angry after sex?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:30, Reply)
Yes.
But wait till you've slipped out of her first.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:32, Reply)
I wasn't asking on my behalf
More on the behalf of post-coitally angry women that I have encountered in intimate situations.

If you see what I mean.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:35, Reply)
spaff in the eye stings a bit
apparently.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:43, Reply)
So does a bedside lamp across the bonce
NOT apparently.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:44, Reply)
there is a place for post-sex anger from a woman
see: The Angry Pirate and the Angry Dragon
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
Did she have really bad short-term memory
and take you for a burgler?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:54, Reply)
She was just a bit bad-tempered
After my Nick Clegg performance.

I promised more than I could deliver.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:03, Reply)
you are wrong
angry sex can be great
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:37, Reply)
Only if your having sex with someone else and not the person your angry with.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:46, Reply)
wrong again

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:04, Reply)
crap puns are good
and I know nothing of bags
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
What sort of bag?
Also I just made my first kill!
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
One with a hole in the motherfucking top!
Pay attention.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
I should have known
I bet it's got fucking handles on top as well
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
And a pen and a dried up lippy at the bottom
I should wager.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
probably fifteen receipts
and a sweet wrapper as well
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:29, Reply)
Did you kick a seagull to death?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
I've joined the Assassin's Guild

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:25, Reply)
Isn't that like against your religion or something?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
haha what religion?
No, it's quite fun. I garrotted someone with a silk scarf
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:29, Reply)
why are you telling us?
isn't that the first rule or something?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:33, Reply)
you're not part of the game :)

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:34, Reply)
*sobs*

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:37, Reply)
That is the most Amberl way of killing someone I could ever think of.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:35, Reply)
suffocation with norks?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:49, Reply)
Or that

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:49, Reply)
thats snugglesacks
Don't impugn my reputation thanks.

Thanks Lampito, it was quite me- ralph lauren and all
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:55, Reply)
it wasn't so much your reputation
more that you probably have little choice ;-)
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
I'm an expert killer thanks
There's more to me than big breasts you know. Garrotting people, using fake knives etc.

Anyone got any clever ideas for weapons?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:07, Reply)
poisoned breasts

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:09, Reply)
fuck you

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:16, Reply)
:-D

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:20, Reply)
That'd be a booby trap.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
I'll see if anything good comes up on CSI
Someone's been stuffed into a washing machine. Maybe beat to death with an oar?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:10, Reply)
can't remember if it was on CSI or something else
but a crossbow that fires bolts made of ice seems like a good weapon to me
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:12, Reply)
no crossbows or real weapons allowed
I need something clever to get extra points
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:17, Reply)
knitting needles in the eyes

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
ice dagger?
somehow figure out how to make a pufferfish not expand until you have shoved it in the victim's throat?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
ooh!
feed them lots of dried rice. It expands in the stomache and kills them
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:21, Reply)
isn't that seagulls?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:21, Reply)
well you could forcefeed someone a seagull
that would be less stealthy
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:22, Reply)
:-P

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:23, Reply)
right the main rule
Is I can't actually kill anuyone. Nor can I use indirect deaths like traps or poison.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
so you have to be able to use whatever it is to fake kill someone?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:28, Reply)
if this is like the live action game 'assassin'
be careful. I got together with my idiot ex-husband playing that :(
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:30, Reply)
it's probably close
But with additional points for style and ingenuity.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:43, Reply)
some kind of noise based weapon?
or get jeff to sneeze jeffaids at them
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:29, Reply)
Hahaha!

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:30, Reply)
heh

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:45, Reply)
Seagulls or other types of bird?
Y'alright Amberl?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
people mostly
I'm currently in the process of asking the Guild if I myself can be a weapon, by dressing up as a massive bear
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:30, Reply)
Insist on your right to bear arms.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:40, Reply)
A few of the more successful assassins in history
Lets think - Gaviro Princip, John Wilkes Booth, Mark Chapman...

Well, they succeeded by being incognito until that very last moment.

I don't think the bear costume would work, somehow.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:43, Reply)
but if i was in a bear suit
No one would know it was me. They'd think I was a promotional offer or something
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:52, Reply)
Have you given much serious thought to your getaway plan?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
once theyre dead
I shuffle away.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:05, Reply)
I can see the headlines now
"XXX dead - Chief suspect - George the Hofmeister bear."
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:10, Reply)
I'm so fucking tired I almost fell asleep on the toilet
I found a fabulous gift for a friend on thinkgeek.com
yay internet
*snoozes*
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:32, Reply)
Think geek is great
but they suck at p+p costs to the UK
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:04, Reply)

Go on, what's the question then?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:34, Reply)
you shouldn't be allowed to allude to a questino then not ask it

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:39, Reply)
People usually want a question asked.
I couldn't think of anything to ask that you lot would be able to answer.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:41, Reply)
You've got such a low opinion of us.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
Not you Jeff.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:53, Reply)

Not Just
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:55, Reply)
I went to Prezzo
now I'm totally stuffed full of pizza and have a 660ml-bottle-of-Peroni-and-a-rollie glow.

I've also confirmed that I want a room in the house with its own indoor pool.

Unfortunately I don't have enough battery power in my phone to have a chat with my mrs.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:47, Reply)
Phone box? Give her a bell from there and get her to call you back!

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
I thought of that
but I'm not sure this town actually has any phone boxes. Plus it's cold out there. Will probably make do with facebook chat. It's not like I won't be seeing her tomorrow anyway.

How are you this evening?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:51, Reply)
I'm good cheers mate
How big is the pool?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:56, Reply)
surprisingly big for a private pool
I'd hazard a guess that it is about 20 yards long and 5 wide. (yards because of its age)

kept at 30 degrees. I can't wait. Although I will have to roll the cover on and off each time I want to use it.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:57, Reply)
That sound like the same sort of hardship
As having to empty the diswasher.

Absolutely none whatsoever.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
it is exactly that sort of hardship
I also learned today that the people who I will be living with make their own cider, among other things. I can't remember whether she said they make 140 litres or 140 gallons a year.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:02, Reply)
either amout will kill you if you drink it in an evening

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:17, Reply)
I wasn't planning on trying it

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:18, Reply)
Answer me this then.
Is it an urban myth or does home-made cider really make you blind if consumed in major quantities?

I was told that as a teenager and I've been a bit wary about cider ever since.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
I wouldn't have thought it does
not any more than any other booze at least
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:26, Reply)
Something in it which destroys the optic nerve
Like I say, I've never been quite sure whether this is true or not.

I suppose I could look it up but that's a lot of effort.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:28, Reply)
methanol
The concern is due to the presence of methanol (wood alcohol), an optic nerve poison, which can be present in small amounts when fermenting grains or fruits high in pectin. This methanol comes off first from the still, so it is easily segregated and discarded.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:30, Reply)
That's a different answer to the one I've just found.
Apple pips contain minute traces of Cyanide (it says) and by scoffing enough the Cyanide damages the optic nerve.

Although you need to scoff immense quantities for this to happen.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:36, Reply)
I think the methanol explanation is more likely
I've heard about the cyanide in apple pips thing before and you would need vast vast quantities.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:38, Reply)
I think you're right
Concentrated Cyanide kills by destroying the central nervous system, but you'd need a hell of a lot of it via the medium of cider.

To go blind by scoffing cider you'd have to somehow bypass death by cirrhosis.

I feel liberated and able to try raw cider, uninhibited by assumed knowledge from my youth.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:54, Reply)
You've gotta get involved with the cider though.
Imagine that, if you rented a place, with a indoor pool and more cider than you could possibly drink thrown in.

It sounds too good to be true.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:25, Reply)
you could have a swimming pool full of cider
just don't wee in it
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:26, Reply)
Unless it's Strongbow.
That needs all the flavour it can get!
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:32, Reply)
I think this is more your dream than Vippers.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:27, Reply)
My dreams?
Well they won't be as salty as yours, that much is true Blousie!
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:32, Reply)
I get less action in my dreams than I do awake.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:37, Reply)
oh yeah, I'll try the cider
I meant I wouldn't try drinking it all in one evening.

it's going to be pretty awesome. Particularly as I'm not paying.

They'll probably be cooking dinner for me as well.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:27, Reply)
When you move out, you'll have to give me the address of the place!
I'll move in.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:31, Reply)
Surely a heated pool, cooked meals and mucho cider is just going to generate more smugness?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:33, Reply)
Imagine if he got a free iPhone for agreeing to move in as well?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:38, Reply)
that'd be sweet

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:39, Reply)
That level of smugness would cause a fissure in spacetime.
iPhone owners are smug enough already, imagine Vipros levels of smug added to general iPhone smuggery?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:41, Reply)
it'd be too much

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:53, Reply)
be sure to include a cock pic

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:56, Reply)
goes without saying

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:57, Reply)
gotta keep that spark of romance alive

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
I'm sure she'll get over it.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
you clearly don't appreciate how awesome I am

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:52, Reply)
You are speaking to somone who's renowned for her awesomeness.
I think it better we never meet. The world might implode.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:53, Reply)
you are probably right
it's in the best interests of mankind

how selfless are we?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:55, Reply)
Sometimes it scares me Vippers.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:58, Reply)
I know exactly how you feel

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:00, Reply)
one of the main characters in teh new Iain M Banks book
is called Veppers

I suppose he could be interpreted as smug
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:15, Reply)
haha
I look forward to reading that
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:18, Reply)
i'm half way through
it's a proper old school culture novel!
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
nice
definitely look forward to that then
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:20, Reply)
Is it 42?

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:16, Reply)
Only if the question is what is my IQ.

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
Still here then Blousie?
I thought you'd have got your question out by now.
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:21, Reply)
Why me Jeff?
Why me?
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:22, Reply)
Because the quesiton is
'I think Blousie is awesome, do you?'
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
Awwwww!
*blushes*
(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:25, Reply)
:)

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:28, Reply)
What do you get when you multiply 6 by 9

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:22, Reply)
54

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:23, Reply)
exactly

(, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)

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