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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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New thread for cool people who don't post crappy puns.
Hey girls, hey boys.....here we go.

You are supposed to be able to buy anything you want on the internet. Can I find the bag I'm looking for? Fuck no!

Fashion sadface!

I can only think of one question and you lot won't be able to answer it.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:17, 132 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Tell us about the bag.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:20, Reply)
It's got a hole in the top, Jeff.
GUTTED!
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:22, Reply)
Also, I can't get a handle on this thread.

(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
I think I'll give myself the sack.

(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
I'll give you a hand
bag
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
Much as I'd love to carrier on with this
I have to go and pick step son up from his gf's.
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:25, Reply)
Oh they're back on again?

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
Boom-chicki-wah-wah

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:27, Reply)
Yep.
All seems well so far...
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:27, Reply)
You don't want to know about the bag.
You're just humouring me.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
Either you're correct
Or he's one of them there bumders.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
Then God I hope I'm right.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
Is the question
'Where can I find this bag?' or 'What does it sound like when angry sharks have sex?'

I don't know the answer to either of these questions.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:20, Reply)
I don't think anyone should have sex when they're angry.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
Is it OK to be angry after sex?

(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:30, Reply)
Yes.
But wait till you've slipped out of her first.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:32, Reply)
I wasn't asking on my behalf
More on the behalf of post-coitally angry women that I have encountered in intimate situations.

If you see what I mean.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:35, Reply)
spaff in the eye stings a bit
apparently.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:43, Reply)
So does a bedside lamp across the bonce
NOT apparently.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:44, Reply)
there is a place for post-sex anger from a woman
see: The Angry Pirate and the Angry Dragon
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
Did she have really bad short-term memory
and take you for a burgler?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:54, Reply)
She was just a bit bad-tempered
After my Nick Clegg performance.

I promised more than I could deliver.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:03, Reply)
you are wrong
angry sex can be great
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:37, Reply)
Only if your having sex with someone else and not the person your angry with.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:46, Reply)
wrong again

(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:04, Reply)
crap puns are good
and I know nothing of bags
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
What sort of bag?
Also I just made my first kill!
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:23, Reply)
One with a hole in the motherfucking top!
Pay attention.
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
I should have known
I bet it's got fucking handles on top as well
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
And a pen and a dried up lippy at the bottom
I should wager.
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
probably fifteen receipts
and a sweet wrapper as well
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:29, Reply)
Did you kick a seagull to death?

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:24, Reply)
I've joined the Assassin's Guild

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:25, Reply)
Isn't that like against your religion or something?

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
haha what religion?
No, it's quite fun. I garrotted someone with a silk scarf
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:29, Reply)
why are you telling us?
isn't that the first rule or something?
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:33, Reply)
you're not part of the game :)

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:34, Reply)
*sobs*

(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:37, Reply)
That is the most Amberl way of killing someone I could ever think of.

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:35, Reply)
suffocation with norks?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:49, Reply)
Or that

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:49, Reply)
thats snugglesacks
Don't impugn my reputation thanks.

Thanks Lampito, it was quite me- ralph lauren and all
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:55, Reply)
it wasn't so much your reputation
more that you probably have little choice ;-)
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
I'm an expert killer thanks
There's more to me than big breasts you know. Garrotting people, using fake knives etc.

Anyone got any clever ideas for weapons?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:07, Reply)
poisoned breasts

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:09, Reply)
fuck you

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:16, Reply)
:-D

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:20, Reply)
That'd be a booby trap.

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
I'll see if anything good comes up on CSI
Someone's been stuffed into a washing machine. Maybe beat to death with an oar?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:10, Reply)
can't remember if it was on CSI or something else
but a crossbow that fires bolts made of ice seems like a good weapon to me
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:12, Reply)
no crossbows or real weapons allowed
I need something clever to get extra points
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:17, Reply)
knitting needles in the eyes

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
ice dagger?
somehow figure out how to make a pufferfish not expand until you have shoved it in the victim's throat?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
ooh!
feed them lots of dried rice. It expands in the stomache and kills them
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:21, Reply)
isn't that seagulls?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:21, Reply)
well you could forcefeed someone a seagull
that would be less stealthy
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:22, Reply)
:-P

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:23, Reply)
right the main rule
Is I can't actually kill anuyone. Nor can I use indirect deaths like traps or poison.
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
so you have to be able to use whatever it is to fake kill someone?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:28, Reply)
if this is like the live action game 'assassin'
be careful. I got together with my idiot ex-husband playing that :(
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:30, Reply)
it's probably close
But with additional points for style and ingenuity.
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:43, Reply)
some kind of noise based weapon?
or get jeff to sneeze jeffaids at them
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:29, Reply)
Hahaha!

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:30, Reply)
heh

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:45, Reply)
Seagulls or other types of bird?
Y'alright Amberl?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:26, Reply)
people mostly
I'm currently in the process of asking the Guild if I myself can be a weapon, by dressing up as a massive bear
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:30, Reply)
Insist on your right to bear arms.

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:40, Reply)
A few of the more successful assassins in history
Lets think - Gaviro Princip, John Wilkes Booth, Mark Chapman...

Well, they succeeded by being incognito until that very last moment.

I don't think the bear costume would work, somehow.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:43, Reply)
but if i was in a bear suit
No one would know it was me. They'd think I was a promotional offer or something
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:52, Reply)
Have you given much serious thought to your getaway plan?

(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
once theyre dead
I shuffle away.
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:05, Reply)
I can see the headlines now
"XXX dead - Chief suspect - George the Hofmeister bear."
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:10, Reply)
I'm so fucking tired I almost fell asleep on the toilet
I found a fabulous gift for a friend on thinkgeek.com
yay internet
*snoozes*
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:32, Reply)
Think geek is great
but they suck at p+p costs to the UK
(I helped save b3ta! willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:04, Reply)

Go on, what's the question then?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:34, Reply)
you shouldn't be allowed to allude to a questino then not ask it

(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:39, Reply)
People usually want a question asked.
I couldn't think of anything to ask that you lot would be able to answer.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:41, Reply)
You've got such a low opinion of us.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
Not you Jeff.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:53, Reply)

Not Just
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:55, Reply)
I went to Prezzo
now I'm totally stuffed full of pizza and have a 660ml-bottle-of-Peroni-and-a-rollie glow.

I've also confirmed that I want a room in the house with its own indoor pool.

Unfortunately I don't have enough battery power in my phone to have a chat with my mrs.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:47, Reply)
Phone box? Give her a bell from there and get her to call you back!

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
I thought of that
but I'm not sure this town actually has any phone boxes. Plus it's cold out there. Will probably make do with facebook chat. It's not like I won't be seeing her tomorrow anyway.

How are you this evening?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:51, Reply)
I'm good cheers mate
How big is the pool?
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:56, Reply)
surprisingly big for a private pool
I'd hazard a guess that it is about 20 yards long and 5 wide. (yards because of its age)

kept at 30 degrees. I can't wait. Although I will have to roll the cover on and off each time I want to use it.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:57, Reply)
That sound like the same sort of hardship
As having to empty the diswasher.

Absolutely none whatsoever.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
it is exactly that sort of hardship
I also learned today that the people who I will be living with make their own cider, among other things. I can't remember whether she said they make 140 litres or 140 gallons a year.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:02, Reply)
either amout will kill you if you drink it in an evening

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:17, Reply)
I wasn't planning on trying it

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:18, Reply)
Answer me this then.
Is it an urban myth or does home-made cider really make you blind if consumed in major quantities?

I was told that as a teenager and I've been a bit wary about cider ever since.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
I wouldn't have thought it does
not any more than any other booze at least
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:26, Reply)
Something in it which destroys the optic nerve
Like I say, I've never been quite sure whether this is true or not.

I suppose I could look it up but that's a lot of effort.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:28, Reply)
methanol
The concern is due to the presence of methanol (wood alcohol), an optic nerve poison, which can be present in small amounts when fermenting grains or fruits high in pectin. This methanol comes off first from the still, so it is easily segregated and discarded.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:30, Reply)
That's a different answer to the one I've just found.
Apple pips contain minute traces of Cyanide (it says) and by scoffing enough the Cyanide damages the optic nerve.

Although you need to scoff immense quantities for this to happen.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:36, Reply)
I think the methanol explanation is more likely
I've heard about the cyanide in apple pips thing before and you would need vast vast quantities.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:38, Reply)
I think you're right
Concentrated Cyanide kills by destroying the central nervous system, but you'd need a hell of a lot of it via the medium of cider.

To go blind by scoffing cider you'd have to somehow bypass death by cirrhosis.

I feel liberated and able to try raw cider, uninhibited by assumed knowledge from my youth.
(I helped save b3ta! The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:54, Reply)
You've gotta get involved with the cider though.
Imagine that, if you rented a place, with a indoor pool and more cider than you could possibly drink thrown in.

It sounds too good to be true.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:25, Reply)
you could have a swimming pool full of cider
just don't wee in it
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:26, Reply)
Unless it's Strongbow.
That needs all the flavour it can get!
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:32, Reply)
I think this is more your dream than Vippers.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:27, Reply)
My dreams?
Well they won't be as salty as yours, that much is true Blousie!
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:32, Reply)
I get less action in my dreams than I do awake.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:37, Reply)
oh yeah, I'll try the cider
I meant I wouldn't try drinking it all in one evening.

it's going to be pretty awesome. Particularly as I'm not paying.

They'll probably be cooking dinner for me as well.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:27, Reply)
When you move out, you'll have to give me the address of the place!
I'll move in.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:31, Reply)
Surely a heated pool, cooked meals and mucho cider is just going to generate more smugness?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:33, Reply)
Imagine if he got a free iPhone for agreeing to move in as well?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:38, Reply)
that'd be sweet

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:39, Reply)
That level of smugness would cause a fissure in spacetime.
iPhone owners are smug enough already, imagine Vipros levels of smug added to general iPhone smuggery?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:41, Reply)
it'd be too much

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:53, Reply)
be sure to include a cock pic

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:56, Reply)
goes without saying

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:57, Reply)
gotta keep that spark of romance alive

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:59, Reply)
I'm sure she'll get over it.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:50, Reply)
you clearly don't appreciate how awesome I am

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:52, Reply)
You are speaking to somone who's renowned for her awesomeness.
I think it better we never meet. The world might implode.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:53, Reply)
you are probably right
it's in the best interests of mankind

how selfless are we?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:55, Reply)
Sometimes it scares me Vippers.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:58, Reply)
I know exactly how you feel

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:00, Reply)
one of the main characters in teh new Iain M Banks book
is called Veppers

I suppose he could be interpreted as smug
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:15, Reply)
haha
I look forward to reading that
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:18, Reply)
i'm half way through
it's a proper old school culture novel!
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
nice
definitely look forward to that then
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:20, Reply)
Is it 42?

(I helped save b3ta! Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:16, Reply)
Only if the question is what is my IQ.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:19, Reply)
Still here then Blousie?
I thought you'd have got your question out by now.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:21, Reply)
Why me Jeff?
Why me?
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:22, Reply)
Because the quesiton is
'I think Blousie is awesome, do you?'
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)
Awwwww!
*blushes*
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:25, Reply)
:)

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:28, Reply)
What do you get when you multiply 6 by 9

(I helped save b3ta! willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:22, Reply)
54

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:23, Reply)
exactly

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 21:24, Reply)

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