Goodbye arsehole.
I have had crohn's disease for nigh on 7 years now and admittedly it hasn't killed me, but it fucked my life up that much that it might has well have done.

When your 19/20 and your going to drop the kids off at the pool at least 60+ times a day (no joke) and with less than a minutes warning (if lucky), life becomes a little difficult. You cant leave the house for fear of dropping bombs when not over a valid target.

I started to get treated and flew through conventional treatments like steroids and was put onto immunosuppressants which again failed to work. I then was put onto "biologics" which are like hardcore immunosuppressants you have by a drip or self injection. No they did work however I then developed a narrowing of my intestine and the only way to deal with that is surgery.

3 months and 18 days ago, I had a proctocolectomy. For those of you who dont know what it is, some very nice people at the Royal London Hospital surgically removed about a foot and a half of large intestine and my arsehole, yes I am officially a proper barbie/ken bum.

I've been left with a permanent colostomy which to get at 24 years old is a bit of a head fuck but it changed my life overnight. I've gone from not being able to leave the house and get on public transport or go anywhere really to being back to normal and being able to do what I want, when I want. It's fucking amazing, I almost wish I had done it sooner. Shitting in a bag for the rest of my life is a small price to pay in my eyes to get my life back.

Better a bag than a box!

apologies for the lack of funnnys

It was about a foot and a half once out.

(I'm only putting this link up for people that are interested, its not about hits it's there to try and help people understand. lifeisballbagthenyoudie.wordpress.com/ )
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 2:20, 80 replies)

so.
On balance, I decided to edit out my response, on the grounds I have a shred of decency left.
Life limiting conditions aren't fun, and make choices that once seemed disgusting liberating at times.
(speedevil, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 3:37, closed)

Have you tried sticking something up your stoma?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 7:42, closed)

Oh my god, read his blog.
"I was beyond shitting myself."
I don't know if that's intentional or not, but it's fucking genius.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 7:48, closed)

I didn't even read his post.
To be brutally honest, I don't think I've read more than the first line or two of many posts on here since about 2005.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 8:02, closed)

I suggest you read it, if only to spend the rest of the day feeling weirdly uncomfortable.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 8:20, closed)

I used to work in a nursing home.
I've changed colostomy bags and washed stomas. I'm not massively squeamish about them. It's a pretty unfortunate state to end up in though.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:46, closed)

It shows.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 8:31, closed)

ZING!

( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 8:33, closed)

Surgeon once did a finger? that count?
Not amazingly fun, I have however seen someone on a forum ask if their partner can have sex with their stoma. grim
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:32, closed)

Hmm.
Could get some takers here tho if you were really keen.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 10:12, closed)

Oh dear. Still, making the best of a bad situation, I suppose.
Fair play to you, sir, for following up on what is, to be honest, a fairly insensitive line of questioning. Frankly, it's an education to us all.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 10:25, closed)

I find it remarkably hard to believe that anybody would be insensitive on here.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:48, closed)

Y'know, doc,
I've heard some talk that this board is mean-spirited, spiteful even. The nerve of some people, eh?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 20:10, closed)

Terrible slurs.
I saw some frightful cunt questioning the parenting skills of one of the other board members recently. Horrible thing to say. Fortunately, the person on the other end of these scurrilous and quite needless accusations wasn't a massive weepy milkmaid carrying twenty gallons of personal misery and self-loathing and took it as a joke. What with it being a joke website.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:20, closed)

Oh, I don't know.
If someone accused me of fingering my kids incorrectly, I'd probably get pretty upset.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:54, closed)

I heard you use thumbs.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 22:38, closed)

That's it,
I'm putting you on ig...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 9:19, closed)

Wait, so what happens when you need to fart?
Does the bag inflate in an invariably comedic way, requiring a little valve to let out the smell of guff?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 7:44, closed)

_paaaarrrrp!pffffffffffff
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 7:50, closed)

What if it's a massive one? Is there a risk of rupturing the bag?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 7:51, closed)

I'd actually quite like to know the answer to this,
although I expect that any gas just collects in the bag.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:02, closed)

Farts still happen, just more comedy value at inappropriate timing.
Ahhhhh luckily there are two small charcoal filters that let the gas out, so goodbye ever smelling my own farts again :( Ohhhh and you have absolutely no control whatsoever as to when you do fart, and yes it is just as loud as it was before. Akward moment in the library the other day.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:30, closed)

Does it parp out of your stoma?
Not trying to be rude or anything but you did say they removed your bumhole.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:33, closed)

Yep pretty much.
Really akward when your meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time and it decides to kick off during a lull in the conversation. What a fun time that was.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:38, closed)

this is so interesting.
do you have to replace the charcoal filter from time to time?
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:59, closed)

I imagine that would be built into the bags.
?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 10:06, closed)

cant change the filters
they're built into the bag, just rip the bag off and slap on a new one once your done with it so anywhere betwee 0 and 3 times a day. They work well wnough unless you get them wet either in the shower or from the contents of your bag.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 13:25, closed)

can you get scented bags/filters?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 13:53, closed)

So your guffs really can smell of roses?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 14:10, closed)

erm not that i know of
I know you can get things you put in your bag to give your shit a hint of roses or whatever but nothing that significantly changes it.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 15:44, closed)

Outstanding.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 16:49, closed)

Right. I'm off to kickstarter.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:49, closed)

"'Scuse my belly button!"

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 10:05, closed)

This is better than any answer I could have expected.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:07, closed)

But have you ever had a shit in a Pringles tube?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 8:25, closed)

Back in the day with a functioning arsehole
I had shat in many places, some voluntarily and some not so much. Alas I never shat in a pringles tube, I feel that would have been somewhat of interesting experience alas only one of the large tubes would have sufficed, one of the "snack pack" size ones would have undoubtedly not been up to the task of containing some of the golgothan shits that would occur.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 9:36, closed)

I think you should win every qotw for the rest of time for actually joining in with this and not wobbling.
More of this sort of thing.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:06, closed)

Fuck off back to /talk,
you horrid bully.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:13, closed)

i would very much like it if nameless posted on /talk
and told us of his daily trials about farting and pooing into a bag.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:21, closed)

/talk needs more people to drown out Alan

( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:25, closed)

Alcohol is doing that for us.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:41, closed)

It shows.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 12:30, closed)

It really does.
It's Alan's nearest and dearest I feel sorry for.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 13:29, closed)

Once you plop...

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 11:46, closed)

This joke deserved more attention.
Here is some attention.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:59, closed)

Gentleman and Scholar.

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 18:40, closed)

Ahhhhh
I'm with you now haha!
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:44, closed)

go shove a crohn's up your cockend and shit out a..... oh yeah, soz.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 12:17, closed)

I'm sorry, I now realise that my image challenge and QOTW suggestions were extremely insensitive.
I will make sure that I include alt. suggestions for anyone lacking a bumhole.

I will also make sure I appreciate my bumhole more from now on.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 14:22, closed)

it's stories like this that really make you realise what's precious in life.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 14:26, closed)

he diddn't actually say he lacks it.
Merely that it is not attached to him.
(speedevil, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 14:31, closed)

greatly appreciate your sensitivity
thank you for considering us arseholeless people, please appreciate your bumhole. it may be gone tomorrow.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 15:49, closed)

Is Ken Oath on this week?
He's quite the connoisseur of arseholes, I believe, and so could probably appreciate them on our behalf.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 16:00, closed)

yes, I appreciate a good bumhole story.
My dad has a shitbag, thanks to a botched enema administered by his current wife. Tore his guts to shreds. They must have used a firehose and a tank of acid.

He refers to it as his handbag.
( Ken Oath, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 3:26, closed)

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 9:12, closed)

This whole thread is fucking excellent.
I hope it wins.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 16:00, closed)

It won't though.
It'll be buried by some self-pitying wobbler telling a dull story and then throwing his toys out of the pram. And a pun. And some bumholes.

We should boycott qftw until they make it more stoma-friendly.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 18:00, closed)

"What's the biggest thing you've ever put into your stoma?"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 18:57, closed)

I like this idea.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 19:18, closed)

HAHA
Some people have to dialiate their stomas (depending on which bit of intestine it is) with things that look like but plugs. there must be a niche market out there for stoma porn surley?
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:14, closed)

Wait there while I bing for it.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
oh ... oh my
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:21, closed)

my lord
please please dont tell me you found some hahaha
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:44, closed)

My nephew was
diagnosed with Crohns when he was 13.

It's a fucking nasty disease. His outlook is pretty grim, as far as I can see.

Every aspect of his life is affected. Career, parenthood, life expectancy, general health - all made slightly uncertain.

Nice to see you're positive about it. Hope you now stay healthy.
(username failed moderation, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 14:40, closed)

Parenthood?
I wouldn't say so. I once worked with a bloke who had enough kids to make his own football team, with subs. He had a colostomy bag as well.

Lazy fucker though. I used to fantasize about chasing him round with a pin.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 16:49, closed)

I'm not an expert, and would be glad to
be corrected, but I gather there is some genetic element to crohns.

From a sufferers point of view, you'd have to wonder a) would you pass it on, and b) would you live as long as most parents would expect to.

As I say, uncertainty rather than any physical barrier. It wouldn't have any direct effect on his ability to knock his bird up. Colostomy bags notwithstanding.
(username failed moderation, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:06, closed)

That's true
Apparently his wife used to enjoy poking the stoma.

Yurgh.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:23, closed)

Well there is some debate
But generally speaking yes there is a link, but only to immediate family, i.e. your mum and dad. So it would make no difference if your grandparents had it. It had nearly made me question having kids as there is no way i could watch my children go what I have been through. Still lots of research to be done though.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:31, closed)

Man up
Bag up
Strut yo funky stuff
Sho nuff.
(#1, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 17:21, closed)

Brilliant answer, and thanks for answering all the questions
I wish I could think of something witty to say but have a friend with pretty severe Crohns and looks like he'll need a c bag after maybe 1 more op... so good to hear it's improved things.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 19:58, closed)

It sounds like its the end of the world
but i promise i wish i had done it fucking years ago and not spent half my life on the cunting toilet. it'll give him his freedom back.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:21, closed)

God, that's pretty nasty.
I bet you've had to give up drinking Guinness too. I know I wouldn't want to go anywhere near my Guinness shits.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 21:00, closed)

Is it wrong that I want to see you and Gonzy oiled up in a paddling pool filled with jelly to see which one is KING OF THE ARSEBROKES?

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 19 Dec 2012, 9:07, closed)

I have a little bit of sick in my mouth now. Thanks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 11:35, closed)

I might write some fan fiction about it now.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 19 Dec 2012, 12:14, closed)

Woh', that pretty much sucks the big one, Inflixinab has been a stunning help for me.

( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 15:32, closed)

I wrote you a fan fiction Gonz.
*Prouds*
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 19 Dec 2012, 15:36, closed)

You could also try giving up smoking and eating shit as well Gonz.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 16:42, closed)

Pfft. Like that will ever happen. You might as well ask him to give up wanking as well.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 8:13, closed)

INFLIXIMAB! THE GODS CURE!
It fucking sorted me right out, as did humira, my problem was a narrowing of the intestine, i also slowly became tolerant to infliximab as it has a mouse protein in its production, which oyu can become tolerant to. the hunmira non mouse version seems to work a bit longer. but you should try infliximab first.
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 2:15, closed)

Haha, I swear man, every time I get dosed up on the stuff, there is someone else getting it for more and more ailments.
I ain't heard of Humira before, but just did a quick little google, I'm gonna ask my docs about it today (coincidently, today is 'nab day for me).

Narrowings are serious pain, I'm fortunate enough for it to be in specific sections for me, I'm on my third op and think I'm between 2 and 3 ft cut out. I honestly can't remember though.
( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 10:33, closed)