I Spy...
With my little eye.....

Something beginning with D
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 14:45, Reply)

brady
Are you doing an MA in Creative Writing by any chance?
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Quavers
.... The pastry was cooling on the window-sill. Aunt Microphone was peacefully napping in the lounge as I ate Duplo bricks one after the other. I found the red ones tastiest, but if I'm honest I'd quite happily eat the yellows and greens just as easily.

Fast forward three months and I found myself on a quiet country road. Eagles were gathering on bungalow roofs and I had a spot of indigestion. This was due to Quavers.
I heard a tutting sound beneath me and I looked down to see what it was. It was that pesky owl again. "what the hell are you doing down there?" I demanded. But before he could reply I shook my head and answered my own question "don't tell me - you're welding again aren't you!?". The owl looked sheepish and hid his blowtorch behind his back "..... erm... no". He muttered unconvincingly.

I scratched my arse and this caused something akin to a 'butterfly effect' making me vomit instantly - all over the owl. Poor sod just sat there and cried. He was lucky though, the vomit was comprised almost entirely of Quavers, so he got off lightly. Imagine if I'd been eating lampshades.

They're not your usual crisps, Quavers. You wouldn't put them in the same category as a Pringle.... or a Mcoy's, but nevertheless I think they deserve their place in crisp history.

Quavers.
(Andrew Avetoom, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 14:08, Reply)

I promised
my girlfriend that I wouldn't pester her for sex for a month if she didn't force me to watch Dirty Dancing.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Grr
The English Fucking Patient
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Movies - I'd forgotten about those - for a reason too...
...my first and most nightmarish 'serious' girlfriend at ages 15-17 made me watch:

* Gone with the Wind (I'm surprised that my man-bits didn't disappear into my body during that one)
* Big Business (Lily Tomlin/Bette Midler 80's power-dressed rom com, or as I prefer to describe it, utter wank)
* Working Girl (as above but replace Tomlin and Midler with Sigourney Weaver and some squeaky bint whose name escapes me)
* And not forgetting Dirty fucking Dancing. Oh, but I hate that movie.

True enough, she was my GF, I was her BF, we were teens and so were at it wherever/whenever folk weren't looking anyway but fuck, why did she torture me like that? Especially Dirty Dancing - I hate that one so much because she used to come out with cheesy lines from it and play the soundtrack all the bastard time. I now hate any and all disenfranchised-young-person-gains-credibility-and-{insert pubescent desire here}-by-dancing-then-dancing-and-dancing-some-fucking-more-type movies because of that crock of shit. I steadfastly refused to do actual Dirty Dancing with her too - I had my pride even then.

As for the likes of Bridget Jones, 10 Things, Love Actually etc - reasons to be glad that I'll never have a girlfriend again. Or indeed a girly boyfriend.

EDIT - yes, The English Patient - I watched it when it was on TV because I fancied Ralph Feinnes but I remember at the time pitying every bloke that got arm-twisted into it by his missus - the movie itself was as boring as hell and had a stupid cop-out end. BAFTAs/Oscars be fucked - it sucked.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:44, Reply)

Yet more on the Margate freak...
I don't understand why, when that guy looks in the mirror, the little voice in his head doesn't say "hmmm...I could really do with taming the ridiculous bouffante on my head, if only a little...and also, maybe if i drank a little more water and went for a jog every now and again ,it might alleviate that ultra-pasty "vampire look" thing that i've got going on.."

I suppose some people just don't know where to begin. Strange.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:43, Reply)

10 things I hate about you was fab!
as was Bridget Jones and how can you diss Labyrinth!

Personally I did like Das Boot; bits of it may be 'dull' but you're kept in fairly constant suspense about whether they'll survive or not.

I did make the mistake of taking someone who wasn't much into gore to see Underworld 2. The start of it was very gory indeed, damnit..

edit: you call painting toenails a problem? I'd do that for someone I liked, even if sex wasn't on the agenda.
(EssY, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:42, Reply)

ah almost forgot this one
3 words: painted her toenails
(Handel blah blah blah, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Chickenlady
Unforgiven was a great film* and it won 4 Oscars I believe.

Edit: Formula 1?! My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you.
Edit2: I want to remake Highlander, set it here in Birmingham and call it Midlander. You wouldn't need carnal relations after watching that because it would be better than sex!

I had to sit through/barely tolerate/stop myself from scratching my eyes out Bridget Jones' Diary. By the end of that celluloid atrocity I was too suicidal for "maritals".

*In my opinion anyway
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:05, Reply)

my wife
Likes films with Matthew McConaughey's abs in them. She always glances sideways at my distended gut and balding pate as he appears half-naked on screen. Unbeknown to her, I tug myself lame to pictures of Tera Patrick on the Net.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:01, Reply)

Women have to watch terrible films too in the same pursuit!
I had to watch (or should I say, sleep through)

Unforgiven
Das Boot (wonderful cinematography, but my god, dull)
The Thin Red Line (although actually this was a beautiful film, but very dull)
Hotel Paradiso (the film version of Bottom)
Every F1 Grand Prix (I was so pleased each time they were in the middle of the night)

But the films that work for me - every time - are
In the Cut
Bridget Jones 1 - and only the very last scene where he swears....
Unfaithful

Otherwise, all those chick flicks....what a waste of time and energy!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Films...
Here are a list of terrible films i have watched in the pursuit of trouser-jiggery (with pass of fail marked as appropriate)...

Legally Blonde - Pass
Legally Blonde 2 - Pass
Labyrinth - Pass (i actually fell asleep during this one, only to be woken by her playing with my manhood)
6 Days and 7 Nights - Fail
Jason X - Fail
Bridget Jones 1 & 2 - Pass
Brokedown Palace - Pass
Slap Her She's French - Fail
A whole host of those terrible Olsen Twins movies - Pass

and last but not least... 10 things i hate about you which was a resounding fail, making it (if possible) an even worse film.

edit/ Length - this QOTW is going to be unbelievably long if you dont stop talking about pissing southeners grrrr
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:36, Reply)

Oi
Enough with the southern bashing, southern england girls are cute, im a southener, much better than those northeners.
- dont know about southeners anywhere else in the world though.
(Fuzzy_Jangle, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:26, Reply)

CORRECTION
apparently, I should have said, "if its got a pulse, Ill do it".

so there.
I have.
And I will.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:24, Reply)

And...
I'm over there again in a week. On an island in the barrier reef......

And what about you Rachel - aren't you swapping spit with a Southener these days?
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:18, Reply)

lol
this is all getting a bit personal.
personally, I think certain southerners are quite cute!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:14, Reply)

to be fair, legless...
you're with an aussie.

only a penguin could be more southern!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:05, Reply)

Sorry, serious post now....
I think the maddest thing i ever did was spend 2 years sober to get sex....

Not much i hear you cry, but when you take into account this started at the time i had just turned 17 and passed my driving test and looked old enough to be served alcohol, it was a pretty mad thing to be "des" for all my drunken mates.

So where they were all drunkenly trying to get into girls knickers and failing, i was sat in the corner quietly drinking my (free!) diet coke explaining to any (and often numerous) women who asked that i was the sensible one self-appointed to take them all home after they had exhausted their last chat up lines and could no longer stand for fear of vomiting.

It did lead to a copious amount of driving in the wee small hours of the morning, but it let to far more copious amounts of sex almost every friday and saturday night with a variety of different girls in varying states of sobriety after giving them lifts home.

The best part was, my mates paid me petrol money and bought me soft drinks all night, so not only was i getting more sex, i was also far richer than all of them. mwuahaha.

-----------------------------------------------

Also, i got a lot of sympathy sex both times i broke my arm, so someone might say i broke my arms for sex....
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 12:04, Reply)

urrghh
Have you no pride?

He's a fucking Southener!!!

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 11:54, Reply)

YOURE ON!
I will agree to sleep with suck it and sea to get the QOTW changed.
I dont know if its a bloke or a lass!

how mad is that?
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Feel the Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I will sleep with anyone to get this question changed!

Just
(Suck it and Sea, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 11:47, Reply)

I'm fairly lazy so..
here's a list of the "mad" things i've done to get sex...

- agreed when it was suggested

i dont get that much sex.
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Living in France
I met a gaggle of University students on a night out. I took a shine to a particular fire haired individual with a sexy attitude to boot. We spent the night in many bars before retiring to my flat, where she announced (after going down on me) that she still had her V-plates.


I promised to come and stay with her at her parents beach house in Swansea that summer, and to text every day. She seemed satisfied that I was serious (wtf? I only just met her that night) and we got down to the dirty deed.

I gave her a fake number.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 9:20, Reply)

I play in a band
we're the best in the land
We're big in both Chelsea and France
I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar
There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance
So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty
These other gals mean nothing to me
Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night
'Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

I can bench press a car, I'm an ex football star
with degrees from both Harvard and Yale
Girls just can't keep up, I'm a real love machine
I've had far better sex while in jail
I've designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour
I cook the world's best duck flambe
I'll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me
I don't need these lines to get laid

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

I'm a man of the night, a real ladies delight
See my figure was chiseled from stone
One more for the gal then I'll escort her home
Come last call, I'm never alone
I've a house on the hill with a red water bed
That puts Hugh Heffnor's mansion to shame
With girls by the pool and Italian sports cars
I'm just here in this dump for the game

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

Ahh, fuck it. Who am I shitting?

I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright
I'm definitely not chiseled from stone
I'm a cheat and a liar, no woman's desire
I'll probably die cold and alone

But just give me a chance, 'cause deep down inside
I swear I got a big heart of gold
I'm a monogamous man, no more one night stands
Come on, honey, let me take you home

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 4:22, Reply)

Recently?
I used my 300 free texts in a single week. It didn't work. Apparently, these days you just have to jump on them. Pfft. Old fashioned already. :(

In the past? I got married. Technically, she slept with me long before that, but I eventually paid for it with a 3 year sentence.

Anyone who wishes to have sexy time with me, please let me know immediately. There. That's the maddest thing I've ever done, advertised on the intrahwhebs.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 1:27, Reply)

i was so disappointed......
......even though i am a straight woman, i didn't get hit on even once!!

here is the story:
one of my closest friends is a gay man. this particular gay man won't go to the gay bars alone. since i was single, i was elected to be his companion for the evening..........many many many times. we would spend half the night in a gay men's bar and half the night in a lesbian bar. even though i think i am decently attractive, i NEVER got hit on. understandable in the mens bar......but the lesbian bar?? i can't even get women to give me a second glance.

bah!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 19 Apr 2007, 1:23, Reply)

Re The Margate Bloke
Maybe it's a cunning ploy to get some nice lady to take pity on him.
(lolwhites, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 22:34, Reply)

not much really...
went to a disco with my best friend, it was boring, we got drunk...and decided to crash my little brother's party...ended up having sex with one of his classmates while everyone else in the room watched...but hey, I was the one getting some...and he didn't complain either
(this week i am mostly - medicated, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 19:42, Reply)

Our friend in Margate's DatingDirect profile
Height: 5'5" - 5'8" (1.61m - 1.70m)

Eh?

Incidentally, has anyone CDC'd his profile picture yet?
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 19:24, Reply)