pc preserves
When i was a wee boy i remember that a popular brand of marmalade was promoted by a mascot called a gollywog-i had a cuddly toy bearing its resemblance,these days said mascot is missing from promotional blurb.

As a wee boy i was innocent of any PC leanings-well you are when youre little
(shug, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 21:30, Reply)

Those Damned Injuns!
One time I was surfing the net when it came up with a page: "Connection has been reset". Then it said something about an Apache server not doing his job!
(Berzerker, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 21:28, Reply)

Proudly stood my ground
Me, I am a member of Amnesty. I try to do good things. I believe in human rights. I work in a school, it is hard when the kids are abusive to us and then turn the racism card on us. A kid who is of ethnic descent, been here for a couple of years was verbally abusing me, using sexist and homophobic slang against me. I reported him to the Deputy head, who brought us into a meeting. I was told that I was being racist because I was not allowing for cultural differences. Where the boy came from Lesbians are scum apparently. What a shame that a few days later he did the same thing again, but out of school. The Police took the matter considerably more seriously, threatening behaviour etc. They took evidence from the school, but the school failed to back me up. where is the justice there?
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 21:01, 1 reply)

Talk about topical!
I JUST got the 2008 Holiday schedule for my company. And then, about 30 minutes later I got the following correction email:

"The holidays are the same however I changed the name of Christmas to "Happy Holiday"."

What a crock of crap. They included Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and as a Catholic, I am offended by the mention of Martin Luther.

WTF?! I am considering sending her an email saying that.

Christmas is, I guess, offensive to too many people. What a crock of bullshit.

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 20:51, 3 replies)

Where The Mrs Works The Christmas "Do" Has Been Renamed.
It shall henceforth be referred to as the end of year lunch so as not to offend the only brown person of muslim extraction on the team, who
won't be attending this year anyway as it is being held on a Friday, even though he won't be at the mosque, either, as he's non practicing.

So, that's all right. Isn't it ?
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 18:32, Reply)

We were helping.
Waaay back in the day....well ok 3 years ago I was working as a DJ on the number one radio station in a pretty big city in New Zealand. (Pretty big for a New Zealand city anyways!)

We used to do all sorts of crazy things like "World Wide Wednesday" where for the entire afternoon, my co-host and me would choose a country and attempt to do the accent of that country for the whole show. It was fabulous and hilarous and we got a lot of listeners and everything was just dandy.

We did countries like India, England (I would be a cockney and my co-host would pretend to be a posh git), Australia, South Africa, France America, Italy, Iceland, Mexico, China etc

We always used to get guests in the studio from the country we were looking at and get them to comment on our terrible accents. They'd usually bring in food from their country and the whole thing was done very innocently but with a HUGE grin on our faces. It was after all a "family station"

(The time we did India and the guys from a local curry joint brought in the hottest curry they could make...my arse never forgave me for that one!!)

But I'm getting off track. Because where we lived there was a HUGE amount of racial violence...especially towards Asians.

Now in New Zealand we refer to Asians as people from China/Japan/Korea etc.
Being the family station we decided to write a song about this disgusting behavour going on in our town this so we wrote the song: "Asian in Christchurch"...done to the tune of Englishman in New York by Sting....(subsequently covered by Shine head "Jamican in New York"...and recently covered again by Omar Djalali)

I can't remember all the lyrics but it went along the lines of:

You drink our bubble tea and like sushi
And you think Lucy Liu great
You like Bruce Lee movies you think they're cool
You why you have to treat me this way...
Oh oh I'm an Asian, I a legal Asian I'm an Asian in Christchurch...

And we had heaps of other versus and hearing it sung by 2 DJs in Chinese accents made it very funny (if I do say so myself)

We got lots of letters of support from our Asian listeners saying "thanks for standing up for us" and "saying what needed to be said".
"You've taken a tough issue and handled it in a funny amusing way ...thanks"
The response was really overwhelming. And we got some really heartfelt letters from kid who had been bullied at school who found "strength in the words" ...brilliant!

But we also got complaints. TWO complaints to be precise. (Quite a small number compared to the amount of praise we got)

The TWO people were white old locals. And why did they complain?
"Because the Asians might find that song offensive!"
That was their excuse. They MIGHT find it offensive.

But they didn't, in fact the opposite was happenning.
But these letters made their way to the bosses office and we were forbidden to play that song ever again...or else we'd be fired.
We argued and argued but to no avail.
So we went on air and told the city that we were not allowed to play that song. ANd everyone who LIKED it should send in emails demanding it be added to the playlist.

Yes we got a huge response but the bosses decision was final. The best we could do was play "Englishman in New York" and encourage people to sing THEIR version over it.

I work in advertising now and the thing that really bugs me is that 99% of all complaints made people in the UK (and NZ) are done by the same tiny percent of the population.

It's a set group of old farts who have nothing better to do with their time than complain.
You can't do anything anymore...anything that sparks interest and gets people talking!!

And thats what we did. We got people talking...in a good way about an issue that no one wanted to talk about.

I have fond memories of those good old days on air...and I have the song at home on a CD somewhere. I should track it down and post it somewhere.

Anyway...sorry about the length...but I hate racism...but I hate old people who complain about nothing even more...

chairs
mg x
(Markygee Surname: "Balls". First name: "Lick-mah", Wed 28 Nov 2007, 18:07, 4 replies)

Macdonalds - again
A good friend of ours was "enjoying" the delights of a Mac something or other with her 4 year old son, when he saw a man of african descent sitting on a table near by with his friends. Rather too loudly, 4 year old blurted out "Look Mummy, that monkey is trying to talk". A hasty exit followed by all accounts.
(Dawso1664, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 17:24, 2 replies)

Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and their Regional Primary Care Trust set up an enquiry, chaired by Simple Simon, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50-mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couple's "best interests".

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was "unfortunate" but no targets had been breached and he had been offered an "appropriate" choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not "material" to Jack's death as Government's (England only) quango, the National Institute for Clinical Excellence ("NICE"), [otherwise known as Drug-rationing In England ("DIE")] had not yet decided whether such treatment was cheap enough to be used in England (although it is freely available on the Scottish and Welsh National Health Services). In any case both the "brown paper" nurse and the "vinegar" nurse were away on diversity awareness courses and so were rightly unavailable.

4. Doctor Foster, Jack and Jill's GP, was most to blame and should be suspended and referred forthwith to the General Medical Council as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lackof water to Social Services;

b. Failed to diagnose that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must have "severe learning difficulties".

c. Had not involved the "Falls" Coordinator which resulted in no "Risk Assessment" being done for the risk of Jill tumbling after Jack.Dr Foster'sGMC disciplinary hearing has been convenedin Gloucester; he is setting off for it now and hoping for fine weather!
(morrigan456 made sex wee on, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 17:12, 5 replies)

PC pron
I was at the diversity drop-in center when I saw her. She was of average appearance and dressed appropriately for the surroundings. Her body was not important because I valued her for her personality.

"Would you like to have sexual relations with me," I asked, "after we have taken a number of months to get to know each other and develop a relationship of mutual trust and respect?" She acquiesced and I underwent a couple of months of celibacy.

Finally the moment came and I asked her which position she would prefer. She replied that she could not consider doggy as that was demeaning; the missionary was a slur on early evangelists; the cowboy variations glorified the slaughter of indigenous peoples; anything with me on top was representative of male domination; and spooning was a mockery of Third World nations without cutlery, So we opted for her sitting on my schlong as we sat on an upright dining chair.

The coitus began when we were both naked, noting each others imperfect forms as a way of neutralising decades of body fascism in the press. We agreed that her arse was fat and had cellulite, and that my gut was distended from too many chocolate bars. (She had a muff like Rasputin's beard, but I didn't say that.) To be fully equal, I wore a condom and she wore a femidom. I didn't feel a thing and neither did she.

We both came and discussed the experience, making a graph to illustrate the high points (me almost blacking out) and the low (me shouting 'Ra Ra Rasptutin' at the moment of climax). It was the most soulless experience of my life.
(frankspencer, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 16:53, 9 replies)

Fire escape madness
When my old office was converted into its current form, the powers that be removed the external fire escape because it was metal, uncovered and could therefore be slippery if wet. Fair enough. But what did they replace it with?

Nothing.

They blocked up the exit, so if there was a fire we had only one route out. Now personally, I'd rather take my chances going down a slippery fire escape than being burned alive.

But I suppose that if I had been burned to death I couldn't have sued, whereas if I'd survived the fire, but fallen on the slippery steps and hurt myself....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 16:42, 6 replies)

Slightly Off-Topic, But...
There's a guy I go to college with, name of Andy, who has some form of spinal disorder, which means his spine is crooked, so he needs a frame to be able to walk. Now Andy is great - he's a grumpy, grouchy old bastard with a great sense of humour. But some of the looks I get walking around college and calling him a pain in the arse are unbelievable. Today, for example. Walking through college, and every corridor has at least two sets of double fire-doors, you know, the heavy bastards that hurt like hell if they hit you.

Anyway, walking through one particular corridor, there were a few older students, all women, coming the other way. As usual, it was just me and Andy, so there was me trying to open two doors at once and still leave him room to get through. And, as usual, he ends up going under my armpit and running over my toes. So I call him a bastard pain in the arse who just does it to be difficult, and he laughs and says he does. Cue filthy looks at me from the other people in the corridor, and me and Andy pissing ourselves.

On another note, the college fire-drill procedure means that in the even of a fire, we have to help Andy to the nearest fire exit. Fairy enough, yes? But no, we're not allowed to carry him, throw him or assisst him down steps or out of doors in any way shape or form. I can't decide whether its too PC or not PC enough!

Length? Several inches above average, or so he says.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 16:30, Reply)

MOWOs
MOBO Awards. Most people think these to be tip top, and a darn fine idea.

What do you think would happen if someone were to suggest some MOWO awards?

Just wondering is all.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Wed 28 Nov 2007, 16:02, 16 replies)

It's a politically correct woman, gone mad
I sit next to one of those WASPish, overly PC "wimmin". She has campaigned against:
having Christmas decorations, in case they offend any of the Jews or Muslims in the office (there aren't any)
the eating, or even talking about, of meat in the office (she's vegitarian)
referring to white boards as "white" boards
any pictures of famous or scantily clad women, as "they are offensive to women" (she has a picture of the Hoff in very small shorts on her cubical wall)
people driving to work (she rides a bike to work, and smells)
and so on.

Thing is, I had to tell her yesterday that it is not acceptable to refer to a black colleague as being "coloured", but she's having none of it. Despite the fact we have to attend a "diversity workshop" every year, she still maintains that black people are "coloured" and those of mixed parentage (the correct term for what most people would call mixed-race) are "half-caste".

Mad, utterly mad.
(ScousersPet, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 15:39, 12 replies)

I AM A RACIST
Well you have to be in Manchester, these streets are rough.

100 meters, 80 meters hurdles, the occasional half marathon I run them all to get out of harms way.
(Actually I'm 6 ft 5 and just tend to stand there windmilling punks but thats not that funny)

(Nod to T Pratchet)
(bugboybeast, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 15:36, Reply)

The Golden Compass
I read today that a Catholic church group has called for a boycott of the film adaptation of Philip Pullman's rather excellent book Northern Lights/The Golden Compass because of its anti-religious message.

See here.

But why? Surely if their beliefs are sufficiently strong this shouldn't affect them.

This just smacks of burying your head in the sand to avoid hearing an opinion that your version of events may not actually be true.

And it's a fantasy story, FFS, where people have personal daemons! It's not like it's a documentary on Darwinism. And word has it that much of the anti-religious themes have been removed or watered down a bit, thus annoying the secularists.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 15:32, 11 replies)

my old mate's gran
thought that a lot of the best sprinters, usually black guys, were such good runners because they had to run away from lions and tigers, when they came from Africa.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Nov 2007, 15:02, 14 replies)

The Older Generation
This is a story about my best mate's Grandfather, a kindly Dutch man who took us out for lunch one day. My mate and I were visiting him and his wife in Christchurch, Dorset, about ten years ago.

We met up and decided that a pub lunch was where it was at so ended up choosing a very nice, but packed, pub in the centre of town on the basis that it seemed to sell a good selection of real ales.

Anyway, it was about halfway through lunch and the pub was busy to a point where it was about 5 deep at the bar and the only empty space was a narrow walk-way around the backs of the punters at the bar and past the front door, where we entered, thus blocking the walk-way.

Just as we stepped into the pub (Grandad first) a buxom waitress (not exactly obese, but certainly not slim either) appeared from the kitchen behind the bar, carrying a large tray. She looked apprehensively at us, wondering how she was going to get through.

The Grandfather piped up in his thick Dutch accent: "Oh, come on my dear - you can get through there - you're not *THAT* big".

The poor girl went very red indeed and went back into the kitchen, whence she came.

The old boy was a really nice old chap, though, just a little non PC. And I like that ;-).
(Wonkey.Donkey, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 14:39, Reply)

is it always illegal to kill a woman?
daily mail un PC adverts from time gone by....

is it always illegal to kill a woman?

www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=496827&in_page_id=1879&in_a_source=
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 13:24, 4 replies)

More of a question really
Peter Jackson is currently filming the remake of The Dambusters. Will they keep the name of Guy Gibson's dog?

A black labrador.

Called 'Nigger'.

Maybe they could switch it for a white dog (Samoyed or something) and call it 'Honky'. I would be deeply offended if they did.

Couple of factlets: 'nigger' is a corruption of the Spanish for 'black'. 'Honky' is a Jamaican term for a pig.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 13:13, 9 replies)

Justintime? Not very funny, but then most of these arent. B3ta...stick to funny quote of the weeks!!!
A few years back my Student Union was holding their annual elections. Now the union was split in to two factions: you had the typcial students (liked indie, Guiness and Hot Cross buns for brekky, you know, the usual type) then you had the 'hip hop crowd'...

The whole point of an SU is to be impartial, and stick up for the rights of students.

The was one team who were determined to play 'The Race Card'. They 'won' the election ( later, rumours of a fix went around...) and screwed Steph (what a legend) out of being Union President. When the result was announced, the whole SU chanted Steph's name is protest, it drowned out the PA system, and the DJ had to call for calm...

The previous adminsitration had a rule for music on SU nights: strictly 80's cheese. That way, the indie kids couldnt complain, and neither could the hip hop crowd. It was a safe option.

So this new President was voted in. I'm not going to go on about how racist she was.

These changes were introduced under the banner of 'treating everyone the same' (how can you treat everyone the same, when you go out of your was to disciminate?????) Including introducing music that nobody who actually attened the SU liked, takings going down week after week, and pretty much we abandoned the SU.

During this Presidents Administration, the SU asked for Freshers Angels- 2nd/3rd year students to help the freshers.

Now in my 3rd year, and having already been an Angel the previous year (what a way to get fresh fish!) I enrolled again. To be kicked off...kicked off because i'm not White.

Yep, you read that correctly.

I was told I could not take part in the SU welcome because I was not white. I think its more because I liked Guiness and Hot Cross buns for brekky and supported Steph, being quite a vocal supporter of her! Treating everyone the same my arse. She was voted out. What a bitch.

Length...you cant feel anything cos your loose.
(drain_bamaged, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 12:55, 2 replies)

Off on a tangent....
While we seem to be quoting racist remarks in a bid to make ourselfs look and feel better about the liberal view we hold, here's another story from my Uni.

Over heard in Student Services as i was fixing one of their PC's, one of the old female coffin dodgers in charge of the Hardship fund piped "ooo don't believe what they write on those forms - don't you know all black people lie?"

she works in student services for fucks sake?!??!?!? they should be holier/leftier than thou!
(TheManofScience, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 12:52, Reply)

I really shouldn't but.....
I grew up in South London in the 70's. This meant that a large number of my mates were black. I should point out that I was not a wiggga and we all spoke the Queen's English (at least until secondary school but that's another story).

One day my best mate Dave and I popped in briefly, to see my Nan, (I was probably after sweets!). As we left my hard-of-hearing Nan turned to my Grandad and asked in a stage whisper 'WHY ARE SO MANY OF GOBBO'S FRIENDS DARKIES?' It wasn't meant in any offensive way, it was just the way her generation referred to our Afro-Caribbean cousins. anyway, Dave played the white man and we had a good laugh about it!

WHAT!?
(gobbo, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 12:37, Reply)

Irrelevant, but...
I was once racially abused by a Rasta. I was walking home from work in Maidstone and he was standing on a street corner. As I passed he said, "Oi, are you a Mick?"

I answered naively that Michael was not my name and I continued to walk away. Whereupon he let forth a torrent of racist abuse at my back: "Bloody micks! Paddy bastard! Bloody IRA - you look Irish you do! Irish bastard..."

I'm not Irish. I spoke to him with a northern accent. Perhaps he was just off his tits on skunk.
(frankspencer, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 12:37, 2 replies)

Canadians
My brother refers to Canadians as "Maple Niggers". I am not sure if he made it up, or nicked it form somewhere, but displays an excellent method of politically incorrectly abusing virtually any race. All you need is something that is associated with that country, and the n-word at the end. Irish guy pissed you off? Call him a Potato Nigger. May you have to heckle a German - what could be better than "Sausage Nigger". Any suggestions for further similar racist abuse gratefully received.
(lardaholics anonymous, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 12:35, 6 replies)

Dirty
Supposedly the first the first time I saw an african-english/african-american/black person I was very very young an on a tram with my mum. This guy was standing next to us and I turned to my mum, and not very discretely, asked "mummy, why is that man's face so dirty?" Ooohh she was embarrassed.
(Hello?, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 12:26, 4 replies)

Just a quick one
Because I've got a deadline...but I can't resist answering qotw...

My Dad

He was a policeman...straight off that marks him down as Institutionally Racist.
And he likes to read the Daily Mail.
He also says that if 'they' live here they should speak English, or go home. 'They' should take up 'our' customs.
He's Scots. Lived in England since he was in his early 20s. Hates the English...well, not entirely...but all his best mates are either Scots or Irish...and Catholic...not 'bloody' Protestants.

However, many years ago he was shopping in Brixton with my mother (her family lived in West Norwood). This would have been the late 60s. Dad saw a young black man getting beaten up by a gang of white lads. Dad was pushing my sister's pram, hands it back to my Mum, goes over to the gang (people were walking past and ignoring the 'fight'), he wasn't in uniform, but gets out his warrant card, tells them to leave the black guy alone...amazingly they did.

Now Dad was simply doing his job you could say and in fact it *is* part of the police's job to stop crime whenever they see it, regardless of whether they're on duty or not.

My Dad is the first person to admit he's bigoted (Alf Garnett was his hero) but he's always the first to speak up against injustice - regardless of the person's sex, colour, religion, sexual persuasion, or their physical abilities either.

His step-mother is a white South African...who believes Apartheid should be brought back - he thinks she's both embarrassing and quite mad. When my parents visited SA they went on 'black people's buses' - they were cheaper.

I think he sums up most British people's attitude - not keen on 'difference' when it's presented as an entire race, religion or nationality. Individuals are entirely a different matter - he'll dislike people on the grounds that they're an idiot...and idiots are all colours, creeds and opinions.

But he does think the people in Kent (where he's lived for the last 30 odd years) are tightfisted, a bit rich coming from a Scotsman.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 11:52, 3 replies)

Bluetooth
Legless has reminded me of my personally chosen effnick slur.

Wind back the clock to when Bluetooth built into your car was the latest must-have rather than standard issue. A Coffin-dodger customer (sorry, affluent retired) (not unusual for Mercedes) wants to know what all this Bluetooth newfangled stuff was all about. "Not a problem" smarms my particularly annoying trainee Salesman, "Osok has just got a new phone and it'll connect like this..."

Being of Scottish origin, I had chosen an appropriate name for my shiny device. Porridge Wog*. Uh-oh.

Quite how being offensive to myself became a disciplinary offence I have no idea...

However, finding out that there was also a device going by the name of 'Long Dong Silver' in the vicinity kept away some of the flak.

OK, you had to be there.






*Because 'aggressive bald Jock with an alleged attitude problem,legal access to firearms and owner of lovely fluffy cats' wouldn't fit.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 11:51, 4 replies)