Junior violin teachers
Bunch of kiddie fiddlers.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 13:23, Reply)

single minded traffic cops
Just fine
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 1 Jun 2010, 13:18, Reply)

Stormtroopers
Uesless bastards can't even fix a toilet main. All they know is killing and white uniforms
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 13:13, 1 reply)

Cycle couriers
Arrogant, the-law-doesn't-apply-to-me wankers.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 13:09, 4 replies)

Oil Well Engineers
are boring.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Confectionery salesmen
They're all just sweet talk.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:53, Reply)

Ornithologists
make me spit feathers.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Philatelists
Need stamping out.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:33, 1 reply)

librarians
need bringing to book
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Chefs
always stirring things
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:28, Reply)

Vets
Me: “Hello Vet, my wiener dog is all weird and scabby. I was wondering if you could maybe make him less scabby, as he is getting scabs all over my lovely new sofa and I worry I’m going to accidentally get one in my eye and that is kind-of gross. Also, I once found a hairy scab near my delicious dinner, which is rather remarkable because my dinner was on the table and my dog is only 3 inches tall with hops like a rock. BUT STILL.”

Vet: Poke, anal prod, poke, passing glance at dachshund scabs.

Wiener dog: “I like touching dead things with my tongue when you’re not looking and having ANGRY FUN WITH MY FACE! I like windows and napfarts all down your neck and shitting on the floor while you’re pretending to be middle class! I hate you.”

Vet: “I diagnose scabbery. Here, poor person with questionable taste in dogs, have some amazing anti-scab shampoo made of sparkly angels, the hypothetical massive scalar elementary Higgs-boson particle and Obama Hope. That’ll be £140.”

Me: “You fucking what!?”

So I paid it, because I have to, otherwise I look like a dog abuser. Also, I love my dog because he looks funny and he is well cute when he’s asleep.

He still has scabs.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:12, 25 replies)

Tech Support
they think they're it...
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Cowboys
Bunch of fucking builders.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Ethnobotanists
Wasting everyone's thyme.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Gynaecologists
Fiddling Twats.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 11:39, Reply)

The Police Force
As most have said on this board, I respect some of them and the hard job they do. I am happy they are there and need to be looked after but....

There are the cuntbags in the force.
Once (on the first of the month) I was stopped as my tax disk was out of date. Foolishly I bought a new one weeks back as soon as the letter came through but had just forgotton to put it in the car. I explained this to the cop who took the details down while the others checked my details. The Cop was civil and I helped all i could because, yes I was in the wrong here. Not a problem...

Sadly one of the cops seemed to make it his job to wander about to me and the others they had pulled over to ask me and them "why we ever thought we would get away with it" and didnt we know he could have our cars crushed".

Now when some cunt ran their car into the side of mine, the investigating twat (cop) kept going on about his key witness who saw the traffic light I went through was red. A week later when I twigged the man could not have possible seen the light without x-ray vision I called the crash investigator to inform him this witness was talking shite (in a nicer way). He responded by pulling another witness out his arse claiming I was spotted "changing down a gear"...

Very sadly the case was dropped against me. I say sadly becuase I would have enjoyed proving to the court the key witness was talking shit, watching them prove someone from 300 yards away can see what gear your in and asking about the conclusion of the breathaliser test which was never carried out but somehow all the documents were filled in?

Just to add I have a police friend and went on his stag with 10 coppers and they were all good people and a good night was had by all.

appart from them... I hope they all get raped.
(snarf81, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 11:31, 3 replies)

I was sceptical of doctors…
For misdiagnosing my brother’s broken back 7 years ago resulting in it healing rather oddly, so now it’s at the stage where the misshapen vertebrae will eventually press against nerves and paralyse him. If they operate to correct it, that may also paralyse him. Good one.

However, my girlfriend was diagnosed with leukaemia at the weekend and has now been admitted into hospital for a month of intense chemo.

The doctors and nurses have been absolutely awesome the last few days, so my faith in them is being restored… I take back mean things I said… now fix her please and thank you.

P.s sorry I don’t have any puns
( awayfromthenumbers, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 10:56, 11 replies)

Last night I had a particularly ferocious madras
That's a job I'm going to hate this morning.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Any kind of canvasser
It's not that they knock at god knows what time in the morning or that
they all seem to have the same script.
Its my incessant politeness, i was told its rude to interupt so they
just spend four hours doing there whole sales pitch about why i should
vote for the lettuce party or why there deity is the one for me (i've
heard good things about Shiva ) Only for me to tell them i'm not at all
intrested , which in turn makes me look like an arse.
I hate canvassers because they always make me feel guilty for being nice
and polite. Bastards the lot of em.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 10:11, 2 replies)

Journalists
The Telegraph last year broke the story about MPs expenses claims. The News of the World breaks many stories using undercover journalists. They report these things as it is our right to know what the great and the good are up to, and whether they deserve those titles.

But who judges them?

The News of the World makes its own news. Say what you like about the Fergie thing, but that wasn't a reporter going out and finding a story, it was a guy dressed up attempting to create one.

Look at the MMR scare, with its longterm health implications and many lives damaged. Have half the papers involved apologised for their part in exacerbating the bullshit? Have they fuck.

Journalists wield massive influence and power over people, because many do not question the validity of what appears in the papers, instead getting angry about whatever scandal is rocking the front pages today. Fair enough people are angry about MPs, feeling that we can no longer fully trust our elected representatives (meanwhile the cynical lean back in their chairs, glare, and mutter 'What fucking kept you?') as they are mired in corruption and greed, pursuing their own agenda at the expense of all those abstract concepts David Cameron always goes on about - truth, decency, leaving your door open so your nan can borrow your E45 cream, fair play, jolly hockey sticks, British values.

Stephen Fry said, in the wake of the expenses scandal, 'What's the big fuss? Everyone claims money back on expenses for ridiculous stuff. Journalists do it all the time. I certainly have done it before.' Or words to that effect.

Whether or not you agree with him, it raises the point that the people lecturing about our moral decline are in no position to as they lie, cheat and cajole people into positions based on fear, loathing and ignorance. If there's to be a big investigation into our MPs behaviour, how about an investigation into the behaviour of journalists? How about the Standards Agency that actually has the power to do something about people like Jan Moir, with her evil Mumsy dead eyed stare?

But of course, the people who investigate corruption and greed are the journalists, and so nothing will happen unless one paper delights in making another one look bad.

But really, if you're a journalist, you're going to have to work hard to prove to me that you're not a lying, duplicitous, double-standard abusing, unscrupulous cunt.
(thePontificator, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 9:54, 13 replies)

At the last Adobe conference/jumped up sales pitch I went to, one of the demonstrators referred to himself - and his colleagues - as
"Creative Suite Evangelists".

Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 9:29, 4 replies)

Tabloid journalists
I hate sensationalist hacks who make stories out of nothing, either to whip up a frenzy of ill-informed, prejudiced bile, to prey on the fears of the simple-minded and keep us living in fear, or to destroy any chances of a sports team representing England ever winning anything.

Immigrants are not over-running the country.
Everything does not give you cancer.
Paedophiles are not a phenomenon of the modern day.

Question everything, believe nothing and form your opinions based on first-hand fact, or at least a balanced study of all the information available.

That goes for all media, not just the traditional tabloid gutter press. Make your own mind up.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 8:50, 2 replies)

Civil Engineers
Highly under-paid, over-worked and under-rated.
Most people don't even know what they do ffs.

Guess what I do for a living...

(mind you I do it in Hong Kong and am enjoying it, albeit on a diet of porridge and fruit in a tiny one bedroom apartment, but enjoying it nonetheless).
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 7:21, 3 replies)

Plumbers
For moving my shit
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 3:57, Reply)

carpenters
Can't keep their hands of their tools
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 1:52, Reply)

Chemistry Lecturers
Professor Strangwood was the bane of my life. He was nasty, sarcastic, unapologetic, and - bizarrely - bore an uncanny resemblence to Screech from Saved By The Bell. I doubt he'll want me to use his likeness, but here's a photo to prove it.

tinyurl.com/3a69nqb

Now, I don't want to subject unfortunate B3TAns to this, but it is necessary for you to understand some of the chemistry I was studying to fully get the gist of this story.

We were researching a metal complex which could have great importance in the storage of hydrogen. Hydrogen has, for the last 15 years or so, been a subject of massive importance, because it has the potential to replace fossil fuels in many applications, not least fuelling our cars and power stations.

The focus of study was metal complexes. These complexes have, at their heart, a positively-charged metal cation, surrounded by negatively-charged ligands ('arms', if you like) which were frequently organic. If molecules such as lithium tetrahydridoaluminate (basically an aluminium ion clinging onto a whole lot of hydrogen) could be persuaded to let go of their hydrogen, they might become the basis of a hydrogen-centric economy.

My particular research was oriented around finding other ligand anions which would take the place of the hydrogen particularly well. Such anions tend to be known as nucleophiles, because of their electrostatic attraction towards the positively-charged metal cation. A particularly well-known nucleophile is the cyanate ion, which consists of an oxygen atom, bonded to a carbon atom, bonded to a nitrogen atom. This results in a serious negative dipole around the oxygen atom, attracting it to the positively-charged metal ion.

Anyway, when I proposed further investigation of nucleophiles to Professor Strangwood, he flipped! He yelled at me about atmospheric poisons, and catalysis of unwanted fuel-cracking, and several other ideas that hadn't really occurred to me. As he turned purple-faced and stood on his chair to get a better angle of abuse, I fled his office down the corridor, attempting not to shed a manly tear. I ran into the arms of Catherine, a cuddly-breasted colleague of mine, and promptly seized the opportunity to cry into her ample cleavage.

As she gave me a big hug, and asked what horrors I had received from Strangwood, I was a little overcome and emotional. Overwhelmed by big-breasted cuddliness, I could only bring myself to blurt out:

"Prof - he shuns cyanate!"




Length? About two-and-a-half angstroms if my calculations were correct.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 0:54, 13 replies)

HR has been done to death already, but there is one specific type...
When I worked at the third largest newspaper in the Chicago area (family owned, for those making guesses), the human resources people were pretty much as you find elsewhere -- highly unpleasant and snotty when anyone didn't thoroughly understand the medical plan that HR knew intimately as part of their jobs.

Oh, and they ruled editors couldn't give raises anymore without using a special "rubric." And our best reporter who said he'd not go to the bigger and better paper if they just gave him a $2,000 raise (still less money or prestige than the other paper) -- of course, he left.

But we were in a money crunch. Everyone took a pay cut (and alleged hour cuts -- yeah, right), even the board of directors did, eventually.

It was in the midst of those cuts that we were having free food barbecues where "celebrity" chefs (our editors and their bosses) were cooking for us. Somehow, HR figured this would improve morale more than raises would.

Then I found out the clincher: the HR department had someone that specifically was supposed to plan "social" events like this. When I asked that person for help with something HR-related, she could only give me a form as she didn't know enough about the department functions.

That's right. We're bleeding money and making cuts, and HR has hired what amounted to a bloody CRUISE DIRECTOR!

And knowing that did not help my morale any.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Mon 31 May 2010, 22:03, Reply)

Fuckwit tv presenters (yes I mean you ant and dec)
And don't even get me started on the talent show judges, twunts...
( zulu eh?, Mon 31 May 2010, 20:25, Reply)

My pet peeve
is when someone answers the QOTW and is over 2 years late.
And then not even funny.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 31 May 2010, 20:21, 4 replies)

The Very VERY worst has to be those red vested, clipboarded, VO5ed twunts....
You know the ones I mean... "HELLO!!! Can we talk about how for just £1 you can cure cancer?!"

Now I'm not having a go at the scientists who ACTUALLY are working to cure cancer, or the organisations that are ACTUALLY helping to fund the research, or the individuals that ACTUALLY give a shit about curing cancer, I'm talking about those annoying little twunts that are fresh from their degrees in "Media Science" or whatever the hellfuck they graduated in without a flying fart of a job prospect and so to appease Mummy and Daddy got a job where they get to stand around on the streets of Manchester/Liverpool/Leeds/WHEREVER-THE-FUCK making YOU feel guilty for not wanting to spend your lunch hour talking about cancer.

Just so you know, these guys aren't "working" from the goodness of their heart, they're agency workers, getting paid on measurements of how many gullible sods they can get to sign up to pay a Publically Listed Company who will eventually "distribute funds" to appropriate research facilities.

Maybe they're gullible enough to believe that they're actually making a difference, maybe they actually do care about curing cancer, but to stand there fronting a COMPANY as if it were a CHARITY gets right on my Tits.

I just want to get to Boots, get my Meal Deal and EAT IN PEACE.
You want a quid to "cure cancer"? I'll give you a tenner to fuck the fuck off.
(GOTO:10 dropped out, logged on and jacked off., Mon 31 May 2010, 20:06, 5 replies)