Frog story
A frog walks into a bank, and asks to see a personal banker.

He is shown to a desk: behind the desk sits a kindly-looking man, whose name plate says: "Mr. Whack".

"My name is Kermit Jagger", says the frog. "I'd like a loan please."

"How much?" replies the personal banker, in a thick Irish accent.

"£10,000", replies the frog.

"Well, if I'm going to loan you that much, I'll need come collateral. Are you a homeowner?"

"No, unfortunately not", replies the frog. "I rent."

"Well, do you have anything else of value?"

"Hmm", ponders the frog. "I do have this...", he says, as he produces a porcelain figurine from his pocket, in the shape of an elephant.

The banker is confused, as he can't see how it could possibly be valuable. But, not wanting to offend the frog, he asks him to wait for a minute while he goes to talk to the bank manager.

"Sir", he says. "I have a frog here called Kermit Jagger. He wants to borrow some money. Unfortunately, the only thing he can offer me is this white elephant. What should I do?"

The bank manager grins, and replies:

... wait for it ...

"It's a knick-nack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:54, 5 replies)

Did you hear about the death of the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own Vimto...
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:51, Reply)

what do you get
if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

This isn't very funny, but I like the image of these frowning rabbits with their hands (paws I guess) on their hips.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:48, 1 reply)

pub in portsmouth
i used to study in portsmouth and for any one that has lived there or still lives there they probebly know already which pub i'm talking about.

this pub is based on fawcett road, the name of course is...

the fawcett inn


i remember they started doing their own brand of cider, i'm sure you can work out the pun with that one :)
(sweatytramp, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:48, 1 reply)

I really wanted to win this QOTW...
So I submitted ten puns. But when I checked to see if any had won no pun in ten did.
(salvadorevincent, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:45, 2 replies)

Ten puns.
I've entered plenty of puns now, I'll check back in a week to see if any of my ten make the first page...
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:39, 8 replies)

pun 10
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:37, Reply)

pun 9
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?

Fission chips.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:36, Reply)

pun 8
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you 'A flat minor'.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:34, Reply)

Pork in Cider
A friend of mine, (who we shall call George for that is his name)once declined an invitation for a night out with the boys. The speakerphone conversation went along the lines of;

George: "Hello mate"
Me: "Are you coming to play up in town George?"
George: "'fraid not, [gf's name here] is making dinner tonight, better stay in"
Me: "You're so gay"
George: "Better that than no sex for a month"
Me: "True. What's she making you then?"
George: "Pork in cider"
Me: "Ahhh, she likes a bit of pork in cider, does she?" (cue raucous laughter from the lads down the phone at him)
George: "Of course she does and so do I. She wouldn't be preparing it otherwise would she? What's so funny?"
Me(through stifled chortling): "Nothing mate, have a good evening. Hope [gf's name here] enjoys the pork in cider."
George: "I'm sure she will, see you later mate"
Me: "Bye"

Poor naiive little George.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:34, 2 replies)

pun7
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?

A red carnation.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:33, Reply)

pun6
What street dos the man with two pigs on his head live in?

More Ham'ed Alley.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:32, Reply)

pun5
What do you call a man with 2 pigs on his head?

More Ham'ed.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:31, Reply)

mental block / brain fart
Some ten years ago I had a summer job working (slaving) in a supermarket that rhymes with Desco. Luckily the workmates were a sound bunch that I got on well with so the job was more than bearable and help pay my way through beer and college. Now I like a joke as good as the next man and all the better if a god awful pun is incorporated. Now after a 12 hour shift stacking beans, peas, jams and marmalades etc on shelves I tried to tell my work mates the following old joke complete with pun (see, on topic!):

“I know a young man who died as a result of drinking varnish..
It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish”

At least that's what was supposed to come out.

Now due to my tiredness from stacking 100's of jars of jams etc and thirst for beer I didn't quite tell it properly. Four times I repeated:

I know a young man who died as a result of drinking MARMALADE..
It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish

Each time followed by a dramatic Ta daaaaaaaa! action. Each time to be greeted by complete confusion and utter silence. The look of pity on their faces will live with me forever. Eventually I realised my mistake and blushed the colour of a baboons arse. One of the lads put his arm around me and shook his head and said ”Kerrymonkey, let’s go to the pub”.
(jackdonaghy has a special helmet, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:31, Reply)

pun4
What do you call a man with a pig on his head?

Hamed.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:31, Reply)

pun3
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:30, Reply)

A few years ago....
A chap escaped from a mental hospital, had sex with two a ladies who worked in a laundry. When confronted by them as they were both pregnant he did a runner. It was reported as:

'nut screws washers and bolts'
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:30, 1 reply)

pun2
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye-deer
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:29, Reply)

pun
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Why can pirates never find their pain-killers?
'Cos their parrots-eat-em-all.

*OK, OK, I'm going*
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Did you hear about the guy found dead covered in hundreds and thousands?
He topped himself.
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:21, Reply)

I remember now...
A bunch of us rather beefy blokes went out on the lash one new year's dressed in drag.

We toddled into the most seedy dive we could find and got annoyingly close to some alpha-male types.

We got called all sorts.. "fucking perverts", and so on... amused and slightly tipsy, we started to pinch arses until one lug.head started on one of us "ladies". Suddenly he was being faced down by 5 big, grinning trannies... and to the soundtrack of his mate's jeering at him, he backed down.

Someone shouted "What're you freaks doing in here anyway?" to which we responded "It said TV bar on the wall outside"

There was much tittering.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Fruit
I used to annoy my Mum no end whenever she asked me if I wanted a pear by answering, "no, thanks, just the one."
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Two antennae got married at the weekend....
The ceremony was nice but the reception was terrible.
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:16, Reply)

Last night my flatmates and I went out...
dressed as pirates. We ran into a friend in town who asked us why we were dressed as pirates. Only one way to respond to that:

"Because we AAARRRR!"
(Zem flolloping floopily around Squornshellous Zeta, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:13, Reply)

Inspired by the QOTW
my friend and I have been telling each other jokes but ruining the punchline by being too literal.

Par example...

I’ve got a dog with no nose.
How does he smell?
He can't due to the lack of basic olfactory processes as you and I take for granted, really.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Around midday if it’s south Africa; the heat really gets to them and they need to rest.

How do you get four elephants in a mini?

Clearly you can’t. The average African elephant is around 12 feet tall and weighs 12,000 lbs, whereas the interior of a mini is roughly 120 x 55 x 53 inches. You would need some kind of long wheelbase van with a spacious interior, and even then you may struggle to get more than one pachyderm in there.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Oh, hello Doctor, come on in, I was wondering where you’d got to.

How do you get down from an elephant?
Carefully. It’s a long way up and it’s easy to turn your ankle, particularly if dismounting onto an uneven surface.

Two men walk into a pub, one turns to the other and says “your round”. His friend responds “certainly, pint of lager is it?” thus avoiding a potentially hilarious homophone-based misunderstanding where one of the gentlemen thinks that his body shape is being criticized.

How do you kill a circus?

The most effective way would be to cut all marketing and promotional spend, thus collapsing any potential for reaching new audiences. That, coupled with overpriced tickets and a weak performance, would most likely see the financial ‘death’ of such an entertainment medium in a matter of months.


I don't know why (possibly the residual hangover and the excess sugar making me hysterical) but some of these are making me laugh till wee comes out. God, I'm easily amused these days...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:11, 8 replies)

A proper accidental pun
While talking to a friend about the fact that as soon as she got a boyfriend, other male friends admitted feelings for her.

"They should have told you sooner. Anyway, have you eaten yet?"

"Yeah, my mum made lamb in this spicy sauce, didn't each much of it."

"Fair enough."

"I just feel like Mary"

"Eh?"

"Like, 'There's Something About Mary', with all these guys after me"

"Oh, I thought you meant because you only had a little lamb!"


I was, and still are, way too proud of making such a great accidental joke.

Length? A brilliant pun about the dimensions of my genitals.
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:03, 3 replies)

did you hear about the baker who had diarrhoea?
he kneaded a poo.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:03, 2 replies)

wont go to that bakers again
I once had an awful iced one where the cherry was off. Another time i had a stale hot cross one

Oh puns sorry
(dolly gobshite, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:01, Reply)