The Bends
A female friend of ours, who has a known lack of enthusiasm for oral sex, recently went scuba diving. At a recent meal that she didn't attend, we were told that in the process of resurfacing she'd come up too quick and suffered a case of The Bends.

Without even thinking, I quipped "I thought it was only going down she had a problem with"

I laughed. The majority of her friends around the table didn't.
(titusyouclown, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:43, Reply)

I live in Sweden...
... and there are some enjoyable linguistic faux-pas that happen from time to time.

Literally translated, "How tall are you" in Swedish becomes "how long are you" in English. Many lasses have attempted to inquire as to my hight in english and been confused as I give a "this big" hands-apart fish-description stylee answer. Cue lots of enjoyable blushing.

Managing Director here is not "MD", but is "VD". for example, "No, I'm afraid she has some problems with the VD at the moment"

Small pronunciation gaffs are the norm.. but some are better than others.

I was once introduced to some people by an over-enthused colleague who described me as "fun guy to work with who's always making jokes and enjoys a good poon".

Puns Matti... PUNS.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:41, 1 reply)

may the 4th
years ago i went to my old high school to get the head master to sign my passport application, as he signed and dated it he said

"ah! its May the 4th, Star wars day."
(Raol Duke, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:40, 2 replies)

Not a pun, but word-related
A friend of mine at uni told the story of how, during an evening's conversation in a pub, the subject turned to words such as crash, bang, smash, splash, and what those words are collectively known as.

One guy in the group said, "oh yes, that's what's known as an onomatapeia", then turned to my friend and said, in a very smug and condescending tone, "that means a word that sounds like the action it's describing - you can add it to your English vocabulary".

To which my friend - who was Greek (and had a thirst for Guinness as well as knowledge) counted slowly to "deka" - before saying, "no, we Greeks find a lot of those long English words very difficult to understand..."

The patronising git is probably still trying to work out why the entire table (bar him) burst out laughing...
(Capo, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:39, Reply)

how do you know
when your dating a really 'hard as nails' girl?

When you ask for a blowjob, she relpies 'not tonight, im too tired. just wank into a cup and ill drink it in the morning'
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:38, Reply)

too soon?
1.jade goodie's wedding photos have just been published by OK! magazine,

they've said 'she looks fantastic, not a hair out of place'

2.a man walks past a church and thinks he's seen a giant shttlecock.

turns out its jade goodie in a wedding dress

too soon?
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:36, 4 replies)

Very fruity
My ( then future) Brother in Law used to own a Greengrocer's shop . One day when he came to visit us the family conversation turned to the subject of Eating Apples. My Dad remarked something like "You can't beat a Cox's Orange Pippin for flavour can you? " to which he replied "Oh aye, especially if I can get some really nice big ones. The housewives around me seem to like big Cox!" .....Then realizing what he had just said in front of our parents, he went bright red. Well of course my sister and I fell about laughing!
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:27, Reply)

Word play is like baking.
A homophonic joke, like bread, does not age well, and can go stale very quickly.
It's best to keep to current puns.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:26, Reply)

This is where I start running
It's a nice July afternoon in July, around 1996. The sun is shining, the birds are singing.

Lin, Josie and Megan Russell walk into a pub.

Barman shouts - "I'm not serving you lot!"

"Don't worry", says Lin, "the children will have orange juice."

"That's not the reason", says the barman,

"It's because you're absolutely bloody hammered!"

I take my leave.
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:20, Reply)

Ms Crow and I have been known to frequently spar in pun form
So I expect there will be a few of these when I remember them.

A while ago, I seem to remember she was having some problems with the shift, alt, ctrl-type keys on her computer. She described it as an alt-ercation.

I suggested that was what the "Alt Gr" key was for.

_{There's a reason we're together...}

EDIT: Found another one.
MsC: How very silly
Crow: I'd say it was very Outer Hebrides
MsC: I'll need to Mull over that one, I think
Crow: I'm sure we can Arran-ge some time for you do so.
MsC: Of Corsica we can.
Crow: Al-Wight! Now there's some blue Skye thinking. Best not to stray to Faroe-tside the box.
MsC: Faroe'nough. I think Isle have to leave it there. I can't compete.
Crow: Oh, I'm sure you Can(aries)...
MsC: No, I can't. And you can't (ja)make(a) me.
Crow: Hawaii ever not?
MsC: Because I can't keep Pit(cairn) up?

And they get worse...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:16, Reply)

Cottage DIY advice
Don't grout your kitchens before they're thatched
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:08, Reply)

...
A newly operated-on sex-changed woman walks into a bar.

Pervy barman walks over, looks up her her skirt.

"My god", he says,

"You're totally cunted!"
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:05, Reply)

The captain
*true story*

A bloke with a big white beard walked into a cricket ground to watch a cricket match we were about to play.

One of the lads in our team, stood on the balcony, witnessed this & exclaimed "Fucking hell, Captian Birdseye's just walked in"

"Shhh, keep quiet or he might findus"

*NB - this joke works best in a North-eastern accent*
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:04, Reply)

when at the front of a queue with a mate in a pub /shop / whatever
'are you two together'

'no, we're just good friends'.


have a couple of friends who use this at every given opportunity. everytime. without fail.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:01, Reply)

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman,
an American, a nun, the 7 dwarves and a horse walk into a pub.

The barman says "What's this, some kind of joke?"
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Ribbit
A frog hops into a bank and asks for a loan. He's brought into an office where he meets a loan manager.

"Hi, i'm Patty Mack" says the loan manager, "How can I help you today?"

"Hi" says the frog "My name is Frank Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son. Yes, thats right, THE Mick Jagger. Anyway I'd like to take out a €5 million loan."

"Er, OK" replies Patty, "You understand that as you are frog I can only assume you are not actively earning a living, so I will need some sort of proof that you'll be able to repay this loan."

"I was expecting that" came the confident frog's reply, "Here, you can hold onto this as collateral" and he hands Patty a porcelain baby elephant.

By this stage Patty is quite confused so she decides to get her boss involved. She runs through the story and finishes with: "And then he gave me a toy baby elephant as collateral. I mean, what the hell is it meant to be?"

So her boss replies:

"Its a knick-knack Patty Mack, now give the frog a loan. Sure his old man's a Rolling Stone"
(BigFatPaulie, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:58, 1 reply)

A buddhist goes into PIzza Hut
and says "Make me one with everything."

*Gets coat*
(lolwhites, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:55, 1 reply)

One from the legend that is Tim Vine...
So I was getting in my car the other day and this bloke said to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure- you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!"
(this is a shit username, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:50, 1 reply)

Two blokes in a pub
One turns to the other and says "Your round". The other replies "So are you, you fat cunt".
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:49, Reply)

Mandelson
Should the woman who threw slime over Mandelson get a CUSTERDial sentence?
(dchurch bah, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:49, 4 replies)

My mate came up to me
and said "You know what you should do? Be the third most popular Britpop band."
"What?" I replied, "I don't know what you mean,"
"Oh go on," he said, "Be the third most popular Britpop band. Girls'll like you if you do."
"What are you talking about?" I said.
"Come on" he urged, "Be it. Be the third most popular Britpop band."
"Look mate, I have no idea what you're talking about" I responded, getting a little tetchy.
"Oh go on, man," he said, almost pleading by now.
"No. Absolutely not." I said.
But he carried on trying to convince me. I kept saying no, and he kept trying. I kept saying No. He kept trying.
And eventually, I was Suede.
( mikeisbrill, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:47, Reply)

trumpet time
a good one what i did.

one of our site managers was complaining last week because our director had had a go at him for managing to go through a tremendous about of loo roll on his site which was starting to add up a bit (yes, things are that tough at the moment it would seem!)

'i cant help it if the guys need to shit a lot' said he.

'you should've just told you work with a bunch of arseholes' said i.

one of those moments where you wish more people could have been around to hear it!

blue peter badge / medal for me etc.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:47, Reply)

A couple of weeks back
I made my first post on B3ta. For me it was goodbye newbie tuesday!
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:45, Reply)

Whats a pilots favourite flavour of crisps?
Plain!
(colonelcustardscataracts, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:42, 3 replies)

Chinese supermarket
Once, in a pub that served chinese food myself and some mates saw the waitress carry some food past us. someone (i think it was sick_boy) observed that he really liked pak choi.

someone pipped up that they'd recently been to a chinese supermarket and that there was a wide variety of pak choi available, also bok choi and all sorts of choi you don't see regularly.

to which some wag suggested:
" so you were spoiled for choi-s then"

It was so bad it almost left a smell.
( alistair, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:37, Reply)

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Pokemon!!




*gets coat
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:36, Reply)

my brothers and i are so sad
that we can keep a string of puns going for ages. eg, someone mentions cows, and before you know it, the three of us will be shooting out puns, one after another:

that's just bull
pull the udder one
stop milking it
these off the hoof jokes are just not funny
you're not calf as funny as i am
very amoooosing
do you know what's at steak here
i'm getting really cheesed off here
stop it, you're friesan everyone else out

and so on...

everybody hates it, especially their girlfriends. i don't know why we do it. but it's shockingly addictive. fortunately the 3 of us aren't together at the same time all that often!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:36, 1 reply)

Two oranges
walk into a bar

one turns to the other and says "your round"
(binary, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:30, 1 reply)

The Sun
as much as the sun is essentially nothing more than a comic book, and good for nothing other than striker and laughing at the dear deirdre problem page, the pun department (and i'm convinced there must actually be a departmented called the pun department) do come up with the best headlines in the business.

the one when legendary england footballer alan ball died is my favourite ever.

'god wants his ball back'.


really put a smile on my face that one!
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Last night an evil spirt violated my body
I was telling my mate about it on the way to work.

"Incubus?" he says.

"Nah, I'm gonna take a taxi."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:14, Reply)