Reopen the worst sex one...
but rename it the best sex you've ever had so as to keep your pervy community happy.
(RDFCRob Please God let Obama win!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:47, Reply)

What Your Mam / Gran Thinks You Do For A Living
Unless you are a solicitor, doctor or teacher then your mother WILL NOT know what you do for a living.

Ask the question, and post the answer word-for-word.

I develop self-serve web interfaces for a telecoms company. In the end, I had to say to my mother: "You know that advert for Nat West in which those two idiots come up with stupid ideas to skank/confuse customers...? Their colleague "Will" tries to make them see sense and that advert always ends with one of the idiots saying "Yeah WILL!"... Well, mother, I'm Will"
(yearsofpractice, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 16:00, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

BOO!
I would like to hear tales about people hiding behind or under things and jumping out to scare an unsuspecting victim.

This was inspired by me hiding around the break room's entrance and scaring a girly coworker... she folded her arms in and squealed like an epileptic spaz trying to recreate the "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight" dance.
(StupidAmericanTourist, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 3:10, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

10 years later
The wife, the house, the job, the pets: tales of the road taken. How has it turned out, 10 years later?
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 0:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Inventions

Post your invention ideas here.. I thought a toothbrush that dispensed toothpaste thru the bristles was a good idea . . no-one else seems to
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 19:15, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Schoolboy errors

Either things you fucked up on the 1st attempt (like trying to start a coal fire in a blocked off fireplace) or actual errors you made AS a schoolboy ie. (found in an essay "I learned so much the first time I baby-sat. I couldn’t just warm up any old formula. She was lack toast and tolerant.”)

Or, if you're a bit shady, errors you've made WITH schoolboys...
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 17:20, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Kids.
you either live then or hate them, and if you love them your wrong!

Tell us your stories of children being obnoxious, smartarsed or just little shits in general.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 13:33, Reply)

Dreams
What's the weirdest dream you've had recently? Do you enjoy your dreams, or are you plagued by nightmares of dying, loosing your internet connection or zombies. Or even loosing your internet connection because that zombie chomping on your neck chewed through the phone line first?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 13:13, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Typos you regret.
Typos are mostly innocent, but have you ever made one that was tough to live down?

My friend was updating their CV to include the fact she gave to charity.

She certainly got the attention of the interviewer, who noticed she had missed out a letter in one of her sentences.

"In my free time, I like to help the poo."

Have you ever been in a situation where a typo just made you want to cry for many minutes?
(Dracia flailed on, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 23:58, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Are you on fire? How do you plan to put out the fire?
Will you call the fire brigade? Will you roll around on the floor? Or will you just wait for it to burn out?

_{If you're not on fire, lucky git!}
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 14:16, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

All b3tans are liars
as Epimenides might have said. Post your stories - the more outrageous and outlandish the better - and we'll use our QOTW-honed powers of deduction to work out if they're true or not.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 11:08, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pyromania.
Stupid things you've done while playing with fire/fireworks/explosives as a kid.
(rpozz, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Usernames
I know it's been suggested and ignored before but goddamnit it's driving me mad. I'll grant you that half of the stories won't be that great, mostly along the lines of 'it's a funny word', but the other half would be somewhere between hilarious and fascinating.

Mine is obvious but was there ever really a 'scary duck'? Is it Rachelswipe or Rachel's Wipe? And if it's the second one, what's so important about that wipe? I'd quite happily listen to the story of the dog version of Legless again but this time on-topic and will buy adult nappies for when disasterprone proves it's not just a funny name. What did Pigeon Nipples get his knighthood for? Has Rakky remembered that password yet? Is that the real Frank Spencer sucked into reality by some sort of wormhole? Some dirty, filthy wormhole? What the hell is a Cmpod? What the frig is a Pooflake? Does Humpty Dumpty have proof that would stand up in court? Can I Have Run Out Of Coke not just go to the shop? Is The Resident Loon an official position and, if so, how much does it pay? Is TheWeeWitch real? I quite like my penis and that worries me. Does Chickenlady love life? Did her friend once punch out a cow? Two cows? Which country is Che Grimsdale trying to liberate? Or is it a mispelling of Chez and it's a theme park where all the tours are disrupted by Norman Wisdom crashing through the wall hanging on to the back of an out of control lawnmower? Big-girls Blouse doesn't look big from her pic so is there something special about that blouse? It also might be the only week I read what Apeloverage posts!

I NEED TO KNOW!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 12 Apr 2008, 9:18, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rotten Design
This should open the way for a few rants. I hate rotten design. I hate the paper towel dispenser in the men's room at work It jams every time it's filled and water drips off your hands onto it, making it and the interleaved towel below wet before you use it. The idiot who designed it should be forced to use it.

Then there was the computer hindered lighting system in one building I worked in. Supposed to turn the lights out on the sunny side of the building but mostly switched off those on the shady side. When it was "fixed" nobody could work out which switch worked which lights and basically turned on all lights until the ones they wanted to work, worked. So much for energy saving.

I hate computer software with print so small you have got to squint to read it. On one calendar applet, the front / back arrows have five white pixels against a pale blue background. Yes, I used a lens to count the insignificant bastards. When I suggested they change it I got the suggestion that if I used a larger text size I'd be able to see it better. Crap. I didn't even realise it was fecking there in the first place and phoned the software team to ask where it was.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 1:28, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

What OCD do you have?
I know someone who spends 15 minutes washing his hands every time he goes for a slash. I don't know, maybe he doesn't apply the same rule to his ding-a-ling.

May have been done.
(MsZuzu, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:58, Reply)

Worst hangovers
Ever been so fucked that you wake up covered in the contents of your LOWER intestine? That you yakked up? That happened last night. I blame shitty Israeli vodka.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 10:19, Reply)

Smells
Smells you shouldn't like but do.
(Beejster, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 4:23, Reply)

How I would QOTW
Due to the sheer amount of crap questions this over the past few weeks. What would you do if you got the chance to take over at the helm. Lunatics taking over the asylum if you like?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 13:52, Reply)

My Life: The Soap Opera
Have you ever caught your wife in bed with your brother/husband/best friend? Ever gone away for a few months, only to find you've been replaced by a younger, better looking version of yourself?
Buried your husband?
Slept with your long-lost evil twin?
Ever had one of those really dramatic, dun dun-dun dun moments like at the end of Eastenders?

In what way is your life like a soap, ever had anything happen to you so incredulous it could easily have been a plot from Corrie?

I have loads of these, because everyone I know is a shitebag :D

PS Soaps are shit.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 12:56, 14 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

nerves
may have bindun already, but how about 'most nervous you have ever been'

i'm about to go into my phd viva (exam) and have been unable to eat for a few days, and haven't slept through the night for 3 weeks. i think i'm going to vomit too.

when have you been the most nervous, why, and how did you cope with it?

I'm coping by checking QOTW on b3ta, which is probably not the healthiest coping mechanism.
( ascorbate, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 11:04, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

how's about..
love gone wrong.. failed relationships that were never meant to be where you just got royally screwed over - might even be a post to vent on about how much of an asshole the other person still is, even after all this time!

well, can you think of a better idea?? o_O
(brotagaia, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 2:07, Reply)

Celebrity Torture
A lot of celebs are so far up themselves that once in a while they deserve their come-uppance.

In my student days I spent a good many an hour sending overly fawning letters to people like Noel Edmonds ("Great show- shame that bloke died") and Paul Daniels ("Although David Copperfield is a better magician, I always watch your show"), damning them with faint praise before asking them to send me a signed photo. - most did send one.

Have you ever met/worked with a celebrity but rather than worship the ground they walk on, have you embarassed them in some way, caused physical harm, or just incurred their wrath by being a complete cunt to them.

£5* to the first person to not post, "That Princess Diana brought her car into my garage to have the brakes done."

* or equivalent nectar points
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 0:26, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Wedding Speeches
I Anglepoise is getting hitched to one of our porridge munching brethren, and yours truly is on the hook for a speech. Tell us your best wedding speech lines, so I can nick them and seem witty on the day.....
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 17:03, Reply)

sex
i like to imagine hanging a young alsation bitch by its hind legs over the back of a pitch pine stable door. After fashioning a suitable mouthguard i then like to imagine slapping its nipples with the back of a wooden spatula, all whilst the baby lamb i purchased at the animal auction slowly fellatiates me whilst wearing a french maids outfit. My fantasy ends with the young lamb entering the alsation from behind whilst i jerk myself off and cum in the alsations face.
does anyone else fantasise about animals and french maids outfits, or does anyone else fantasise? tell all, go on i may be easily shockable but i wont let it show!
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Sun 6 Apr 2008, 14:13, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

how about
drunken texts

bindun?
(DippyFi, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 8:52, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

It's not a bite - it's got legs!
I was recently in Nepal, and got bitten by something on my shoulder. Except that the bite hatched into something small and grey with legs.

Have you ever had something in your body that you really didn't want or expect?
(Steve The Monkey, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 16:22, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

It's for the love of the art, dahling!
I've been pushed over a 3ft drop in a wheelchair. I've been buried alive with only a snorkel to breathe through. I have covered myself head-to-toe in dog food. I have even appeared entirely naked on stage.

And all in the name of art and theatre. So tell us the stupid things you've done for the love of art or science!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:51, Reply)

Farms

Tell us your hillarious countryside escapades!
Did you fuck a pig? Get chased by a lunatic in a tractor?
Tell all here!
( Cawl, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:27, Reply)

Travel
From reading the QOTW, it would appear that many b3tans are very well-travelled, adventurous types. What's the best/worst travel experience you've ever had? Why?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 10:55, Reply)