I'm not a nutter, honestly.
I'm sure there's a few around for this. What have you done/what situation have you ended up in that's been so bizarre that you just know you're never going to be able to explain it to the person or people watching?

Highlights for me include burying a houseplant at sea.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 21:40, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What's your slogan?
As suggested by Rakky, a discussion came about last night as to what your slogan would be to sum you up and why?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 18:53, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Time saving efforts
Whilst I'm waiting for the train to pull out of the station, I fold up the number of squares of loo roll I think I'll need and line them up along my thigh. This probably saves me about thirty seconds a year but it still feels as efficient as a Swiss power station. What daft things do you do to save yourself a few seconds?
(Puddle of Sugar was still wallpapering on, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 12:37, Reply)

Call Centre Muppets
I'm having the usual end of the month trauma with accessing either my Barclays or Barclaycard on-line accounts.

Having tried several times to report the problem to Barclaycard yesterday (with their offshore call centre assuring me the website was working fine and they'd had no complaints, and me pointing out that the log-on page timing out and the fact that I'd already reported it, tended to suggest the opposite), I finally gave up in disgust.

This morning, with it still not working, I called the customer services hotline to find out my balance. After repeating the problem to the call centre person, she suggested I call Barclays Internet banking suport and promptly gave me the number....

....to the "Home Composting Hotline"

Says it all really.

(God, I hate Barclays).

Anyone else have any amusing call-centre stories, so I know I'm not alone?
(copygir1, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 10:03, Reply)

The village idiot
every town and city has one, perhaps the infamous singing man or the infamous Jacko, the tramp with the cardboard guitar

Lets hear of your village/town/city idiots...
(Lord Chode, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 17:09, Reply)

Creepy Crawlies
Any stories involving insects, spiders or other things that creep and crawl, usually where they are not wanted?
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Anticlimax
When I was 23, after much wrangling and soul searching, I came out to my mother. It was one of the hardest things I've done, telling her I was gay.

She told me she'd known since I was 16.

Tell us your stories of a huge buildup... followed by a disappointing anticlimax
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 10:00, Reply)

Or how about
Dream jobs.

What would you like to do, who would you do it with, are you doing it already?



My definition of a dream job has always been to be paid to do something that you would do anyway.


A presenter on one of those "holiday in the sun" programs would be nice.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 28 Jan 2009, 3:45, Reply)

Puns
Might as well make it official.


Be creative.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 28 Jan 2009, 3:08, Reply)

BDSM
Some recent QOTWs have suggested there may be more than a few Doms and subs treading the boards of B3ta.

When did you first realise you wanted to be tied up and spanked/tie someone up and spank them? What's your most amusing scene? Has a scene ever gone hilariously wrong?

Even if you're not a fully paid up member of pervs anonymous, have you had a strange request? Did you say yes? if not, how did you get out of it?
(Lolitaslittlesister, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 23:39, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Superstitious clothing
A mate of mine always claimed to be wearing his "lucky boxers" whenever he pulled on a night out on the town. One evening he gets propositioned by a gayer and upon further inspection my mate discovered his pants were on back to front, thus reversing their powers.

Tell us about your clothing superstitions and the power they wield.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 27 Jan 2009, 16:15, Reply)

Forgotten something?
We've all forgotten dates for important events, their locations, or the name of the long-term partner with whom we were supposed to attend them.

What have you forgotten? Did you manage to cover it up? What were the consequences?

Or can you not remember?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 13:14, Reply)

Pass the mind bleach...
Goatse, Lemonparty, 2 girls - all these things pale into the land of kittums and fluffeth compared to the dark twisted tales that spew forth from B3tans' minds.

So stock up on mind bleach and let the "ewwwwww"ing commence.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 12:00, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Unpleasant discoveries
I recently discovered that one of the more effective treatments for c. difficile is the faecal transplant.

What unpleasantries have you recently discovered?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Unexplained until later
When much younger I once walked into a bathroom at a party to find three men engaged in a certain activity. Not exactly what you may think though - one was bent over, while the other two were wiping his arse for him and laughing manically. They then asked me if I "wanted a go".

Years later I twigged that a) they were probably gay, and b) they were most definitely on drugs.

What strange and shocking things have you seen which only made sense years later?
( rofl harris, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 10:12, Reply)

Workplace romances
I can never be employed again in a certain department again because I was involved with too many of the people there. In my defense, I was there for a number of years and three of these were long term relationships. Nonetheless, they're never going to reemploy a strumpet like me.

Tell us your workplace romance stories: good, bad, and hiding under your desk and trying to staple your brains out to get away from them.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 1:09, Reply)

It feels good to be bad
From acting up behind your elders back and thieving as a kid to drink and drugs and drink and drug-based shenanigans, infidelity and creative accounting/stocktaking in the shitty jobs you had to do as a student and adult - why does it feel so good to be bad?

Whilst working for an electrical chain store, on a busy saturday afternoon and during sales, me and the lads in the warehouse used to down 'E's and really get stuck in to our work. Afterwards, there would be a stocktake - we used to have the place for a fortune and sell it on to friends and family with the obvious five-finger discount.

When did it feel good to be bad for you?

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Sun 25 Jan 2009, 15:01, Reply)

verbal
When I've been chatting to my bests mates on the tinterwebnet or whatever my missus asks me stuff like "oh, what's X being doing?" or "Did Y enjoy his holiday?"

I don't fucking know!!! We don't sit about gossiping and catching up on news. We talk absolute bollocks for hours on end. Complete drivel.

I paid my mate a visit the day after he'd got back from some exam marking course in London for 3 days. We didn't even mention his trip.

No, when I arrived, he was watering his Venus Flytrap. Within 5 minutes, we'd anthropomorphised it, christened it "Hannibal" and discussed how it climbs off the windowsill on the night and hunts insects, causes havoc and how it tries to bum-rape the cactus.

How much bollocks do you and your mates spout when you get together?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 1:24, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Compromise
I once spent a miserable summer pretending to like dance music because the girl I was seeing at the time liked it but was really dirty.

How and why have you compromised yourself?
( SpankyHanky, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 1:23, Reply)

Contraband
I once got into a whole world of trouble at school when the head found thirty boxes of Panini football stickers in my locker (long story).

How has contraband blighted your life?
( SpankyHanky, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 1:16, Reply)

Change of heart
Have you hada sudden change of direction, or a radical epiphany?

Guy I knew was on the verge of a breakdown. He phoned me up and told me how he'd reached the low point.
He then dsappeared. His mum asked me to let her know off the record sort of thing if I hear anything. We all thought he'd done himself in.

Three weeks later, he phones me up and invites himself round for a beer. It turns out he had actually planned to top himself. He'd caught a ferry to France and was going to wander about a few days and then jump off something high.
However, he looked at the sights, then got a train to Holland, looked at some Rembrandts in a gallery, went to Prague, then Copenhagen.

His whirlind European tour cured his depression, so he finally maxed out his credit card on a flight back to blighty and came home right as rain.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 1:05, Reply)

You Evil Bastard ! ! !
I once worked with a blind fella who was an abolute shit.

I *acidentally* spilt a container of drawing pins over the braille book he was reading while he went to the lavatory.

What evil things have you done, you bastard?
( SpankyHanky, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 1:01, Reply)

Secret Shame
I really enjoy reading Mills & Boon novels... I usuall hide them inside a wank mag when Im on the tube to save embarrasment.

What is your secret shame?
( SpankyHanky, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 0:56, Reply)

Rebellion ! ! !
When I was a teenager I refused to wash for a month when my mum confiscated my *ahem* art magazines.

How have you raged against the machine?
( SpankyHanky, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 0:53, Reply)

MacGyver Moments
At one point or another I'm sure we've all had to fall back on our basic ingenuity (or lack of it).

I once managed to drop my car keys down a drain. I could see them, so I improvised a crude fishing line out of my house keys and my boot-lace.
Which I then managed to also drop into the shitty, filthy water.
Bollocks.
( Cawl, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 12:11, Reply)

Onstage Horrors
At the tender age of four, I threw a monster screaming hissy fit in front of about 200 people. The reason? Being forced to wear some fetching brown tights for my star turn as an ox in the preschool Nativity play. Like a big girl. Bummer.

About 18 years later I found myself being chased offstage at one of my own gigs by an angry Mancunian mob, after announcing that I felt slightly dirty at playing at the home of the Scum (that's Man United to all you non footie types).

The gig was in the car park at Old Trafford. In hindsight, not an ultra smart move. Still, I'm proud I did it.

QOTWers are a talented lot, surely there must be some more tales of onstage catastrophe amongst us?
(Smaug rocked out with his cock out on:, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 11:35, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Pubs
I've seen people having four-somes, fights involving spastics and genuine retarded people doing kareoke, all thanks to the invention of the common pub.
What's happened in your local then?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 10:54, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

The Confessional
Dearly beloved,

We're all friends here. Is there anything you want to tell us? Here's your chance to get that thing that you've been feeling guilty about off your chest. I'm sure you'll find someone who's willing to forgive you...

In the name of Your Mum, The Ginger Fuhrer and the Holy Goat.

Amen

Father Fireflier
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 16:05, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

regrets..
We all have regrets - whether it be breaking up with a girl you loved and who was astoundingly great in bed for reasons that seemed obvious at the time but seem less sensible in hindsight...or it might be that you're regretting playing "best before date roulette" with that quiche in the fridge, now that you're sat on the loo with an arse like an afterburner...Or maybe you regret shouting at your mum, if you're a nice person.

Me, I've lived a totally blameless life, so have no regrets, but I'm sure you sinners do...so dish the dirt!
(Chad, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 11:23, 1 reply, 16 years ago)