I fucked my best mate over....
I knew I shouldn't do it, I told myself I shouldn't do it and I regret doing it but yes, I fucked my best mate over.

Tell us your story....
(gobbo, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 13:00, Reply)

I am extremely critical of my own body / appearance, and therefore pretty critical of other people's as well
to the extent that I will find myself quite meanly thinking something along the lines of "Good Christ, she should NOT be wearing that skirt with an arse that size!" etc.

I also tend to measure up other women in a pretty critical way.

I may well have issues...

Anyway, the other week I was in the Ladies' at work (Bristol Airport) and found myself inadvertantly looking at some woman's rather pert backside, thinking that it would be nice if mine looked that nice.

Then I realised that we were both standing in front of a large mirror, both facing the mirror.

She was standing in front of me. Therefore she had a great view of some weird woman leeringly eyeing up her arse.

Has anyone ever thought you were a total pervert, whether you were or not?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:32, Reply)

accidental text messages
i stayed in a b&b once with my family for my cousin's wedding. i was supposed to be picking my mate up the next day to head for a bbq and he kept going on at me not to be late.

anyway, i got a text the morning after the wedding saying 'time to get up' - hungover, half asleep, and trying to quote a line from little britain, I texted back 'fuck off you black bastard!'

then came the reply: 'its your mum'

she texted me because breakfast was being served downstairs.

i tried explaining the context in front of my extended family but it didn't wash.

have you ever texted something wildly inappropriate to the wrong person?
(westhead, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:22, Reply)

Regrets.
That's it. Just regrets from your life so far... it's been a few weeks since we had a thoroughly depressing QotW =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Are you old fashioned?
Are you a Victorian gentleman stuck in a young person's body?

I use a straight (cut-throat) razor, a badger shaving brush, eat old sweets like liqorice, strong mints and humbugs, and I occasionally smoke a pipe.

My friends think I am a little strange - I am a 20 year old bloke who likes junk food and Warcraft..but I have my likes of older stuff. What about you lot?
( moohalaa, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 16:14, Reply)

Inappropriate comments
My friend X tells of how she performed oral on her boyfriend. After the act, did he tell her "I love you?" Nope, not even the less conventional "Now roll over and bite the pillow, it's going in dry." He stared at his newly-polished bulb and came out with this gem, somewhat inappropriate in the sexual afterglow: "Wow! That's spotless, how did you do that?!"
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:15, Reply)

ID please, mate
When you were a young lad or lassie, unable to become legally inebriated, what methods did you use to break the law and get pissed? Myself and my friend Iain, both of August birthday, used Tipp-Ex[TM] and paint on our driver's liscences to transform xx/08/89 to xx/03/89. From April to August we got thoroughly pissed underage. How did you flout the law?
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:11, Reply)

... and then I hit him
Tell us about all the times you punched someone. Did it work? Did you miss? Did you hit the wrong person? Regale us with your tales of combat.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:09, Reply)

The Geekiest Thing You've Ever Done
I have transcended the realms of geekiness into enlightenment. Dan (flatmate) and I were getting a pizza, and we could have gotten two 9" ones for £9.99 or one 15" for £7.99. We worked out the surface area of the 9" one to be 63"sq and the 15" to be 188"sq, meaning we'd pay £4.98 for 63" compared to £3.98 for 88", and therefore decided to get the 15" one.

What's the geekiest thing you've ever done?
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:54, Reply)

What's
the worst thing you've ever done.

Come on, lets out the things we don't even tell our mates when we're pissed.

I would give an example, but there's no way I'm going first.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 11:01, Reply)

Stalked!
b3ta is full of sexy beasts, so I'm sure we've all got stories about being admired by someone we didn't quite have the same feelings for...mainly because they were bloody creepy!

I befriended a fellow at university last semester. We started chatting because he had trawled through nearly all the myspace profiles of girls who did journalism. I should have seen what was coming then. He's really a nice, funny, intelligent fellow, but unfortunately unleashed his stalker tendencies on me...

- I had a four hour break between classes on a Tuesday. Without fail, he would somehow find me and talk to me for the entire four hours, believing that I did not want to be lonely. Nice to have company, I suppose, had he not spent those four hours moaning about his girl troubles. Hint hint.

- Would always talk to me on msn, no matter what, even if he didn't really have anything to talk about. Actually, he'd end up moaning about his girl troubles. Hint hint.

- Volunteered to travel all the way to uni (he lives about 2 hours away) on his off day just so I would have someone to sit next to in a lecture. Er, what?

- I was rather depressed about something or other, when he came out with this gem, "I wish it was my job to make you happy." To which I responded with a "wtf?!"

- I am Asian. All of his female friends were Asian. And he had a crush on all of them.

- Tried to inadvertedly ask me out. "What would you say if i asked you out, HYPOTHETICALLY?" he said.
"Well, I'd say no thanks because I'm not attracted to you in the slightest," I replied.
This didn't stop him from then launching into how he'd had a crush on me since BEFORE we'd met... in fact, he found my myspace profile because he'd seen a girl at uni who he wanted to talk to, ie. ME. He'd also apparently talked about me nonstop to all his friends who had helpfully egged him on to talk to me and ask me out. Thanks guys.

Oh, did I mention that I was quite happy with a boyfriend for most of this, and he knew about it?

He got a girlfriend at some point. Hoorah, right? Wrong! He still kept talking about the glory days of when he used to have a crush on me. He even talked about it to his girlfriend!

I blocked his ass from msn, myspace, etc and haven't talked to him since June. Until I got a message from him on my birthday (in august):

"Seems to be your birthday. Happy 19th! You're a good friend to talk to, when you're in a good mood :P"

No, I'm a good friend to talk to when you don't piss me off for being creepy!

Apologies for length and his mental incapacity. Has anyone else been the object of some obsessive person's affections?
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 5:30, Reply)

Most embarrassing moment
Years ago I worked in a college of further education as a lab technician. I was taking a trolley full of equipment up to the top floor labs. I'd just got into the lift when I felt an overwhelming need to fart. No one was around so I thought 'why not' So I let rip with a long, hot quiet one. Staright away I thought 'mmm perhaps I shouldn't have done that'
Sure enough just as the lift doors started closing a voice pipes up 'hold that lift' and a hand shoots in to stop the doors. 'Oh bollox!' its the vice principal. That journey to the top floor was the longest of my life. The smell in such a confined space was so bad I couldn't stand it myself. Poor old dear of a vice principal must have been wishing she'd missed the bloody lift and had taken the stairs.

Length?...holding it with five fingers! (but pissing on three of em)
(upsimm, Mon 1 Oct 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Feeling Emasculated
A few days ago I had to console a rather upset friend at the pub. After a few pints I finally managed to find out what was up with him.

"Last night, in bed, my girlfriend asked me if it was in yet."

What have people said to you to make you feel emasculated or otherwise 6 inches tall?
(guyie failed to be witty on, Sun 30 Sep 2007, 20:26, Reply)

Inadvisable places to Urinate
"Excuse me sir, but you are aware that's our car, aren't you?"

"But I've had a lot of beer, offisher..."

Prepare those electric fence stories boys (and girls?)
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 21:25, Reply)

Getting hit on when you really don't want it
I was once proposed to by a gay guy in a very upmarket pub. I'll never go again to that place. Tell us your stories of when you've been asked out when you really didn't want to be.
(swissheavy, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 14:27, Reply)

When others just dont get it...
My very middle class boss at work has restored two Bristol classic cars which he regularly exhibits. I mentioned to the office that he "has a lovely pair of bristols"... cue much laughter from everyone.. except their owner who just thanked me with a confused look on his face.
(skintagain, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 12:35, Reply)

When I rule the world...
... what will change?

Will Mondays exist?

Will bosses exist?

And will money grown on trees?
(fuzzibear, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 19:56, Reply)

Who would you fight?
If you had the opportunity to cause physical pain to someone you hate, who would it be? It can be a person or group of people from past or present. When I think about it there are loads of people both famous/infamous and unheard of that really deserve a good twatting. As most of you wont know my ex-mate Steven I'll stick to the famous ones.
1 - Bono (make Bono history)
2 - Chris Moyles
3 - Kevin Costner
4 - Sting
5 - Simon Cowell

There are many, many more for me but I suspect that I would be stealing some pples thunder.
(Reptilianoid, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 9:20, Reply)

Brilliant Pranks
A friend's sister had booked a holiday in Spain but unfortunately their Gran had fallen ill and died just before she went away. Rather than cancel the holiday his sister decided to go to Malaga as planned and fly back to Liverpool for the day to attend the funeral.
On the way back to Malaga his sister started to feel nauseous to the point where she needed to be sick and as she was sat between two other passengers would not have made it to the toilet in time. She reached for the sick bag and proceeded to chuck her guts up. It wasn't until she had finished that she noticed the look of disgust on her neighbours' faces and realised that someone had cut the bottom off the sick bag and the contents of her stomach were now on her lap.

Ah the memories of leaving the lid on the salt shaker loose and hearing stories of setting a paper bag of dog poo alight on someone's doorstep...
( Tofor, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 18:54, Reply)

Acts of petty vandalism
At work, we've just had some new lifts installed, and the manufacturers name: 'Schindler' is embossed on a plaque on the panel in the wall. For the last 48 hours, it has been all I can do to stop myself adding a pluralisation and additional word...

Making it: "Schindler's Lift".

What acts of petty vandalism have you performed, or are desperate to perform, at home, in the workplace, or on the streets?
(Merrep, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 18:05, Reply)

Festivals....your ultimate memoirs
This suggestion was inspired by my son [Yes the Ben of bensMum]
Who at this years Reading wore a purple dress, fishnets, false boobs and green wellies in honour of Gogol Bordello. Then while enjoying a later set [I think it was Jack Penate but may be wrong] got pissed upon by a random stranger. Thus resulting in pushing said stranger across the tent before finally punching him and we suspect breaking his jaw.
Poor lad thought he'd pissed on a bird, who turned round and revealed itself to be a 6'2 geezer with the right hump.
My boy isn't usually a violent lad, I raised him proper. But on this occasion I can see his point.
The retelling of the tale made me ponder as to others festival stories. They must be good.

P.S. I won't go into the condom falling out of the sleeping bag at this stage. I will save it for QOTW if it arises

P.P.S. He has photos to prove the purple dress but won't trust me with them.
(bensMum I'm a tart. Why can't you cope with that?, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 18:21, Reply)

the soundtrack to your lives
I like to play ride of the valkeries when overtaking people.

does anyone else have their own soundtrack?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 17:33, Reply)

Stealing things
I once stole a fluffy keyring from a friend because I really wanted it (I was 6). What have you stolen, and why?
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 15:56, Reply)

Practical jokes
My new boss tells us he was a practical joke master at his previous workplace. So far he's not come up with much because a. we're all women, and b. we're all women. I've just demonstrated to him the old 'screen capture of desktop, substitute for real desktop' trick. He was duly impressed. What else can B3tans come up with that will impress him more. What practical jokes have you performed at work? (without endangering lives).
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 5:38, Reply)

Odd places to "scratch the itch"
Let's face it, people: there are times when our hormones get the best of us, and we suddenly find ourselves with a desperate case of the horn when we really shouldn't. And be honest: there have been times when you've simply had to go for a quick wank, even though the time and/or place was bad.

So where's the oddest time/place you've rubbed one out?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 24 Sep 2007, 19:16, Reply)

Beer goggles, love goggles or just plain stupid goggles?
There have been a couple of times in my life when I have thought certain girls have been so eye-poppingly attractive that I would have walked over hot coals to use their shit as toothpaste, and desperately made a twat of myself trying to pull them...usually going too far, alienating the real people I care about and making a bigger, sadder twat of myself in the process.

In the end, when I took a step back and actually looked at the person(s) involved, I realised that they're actually not so worth it after all (one had a moustache!) and without exception, succeed or not, I ended up hating myself a little more each time.

Anybody else had to give themselves a metaphorical slap round the face? or fallen foul of the blindness that only beer / love / idiocy can provide you with?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 24 Sep 2007, 15:13, Reply)

C'mon we have to have this one....
Stupid idiot customers!!! I'm sure we all have a story to tell about the kind of idiots we've encountered. I work in a shop.. one which sells animals... and oh dear god we get some fucking mad people in here. Oh, and proper *mad* people, as in the 40 year old who comes in wearing a blue helmet because he's a spacktard. And his buddy who had a full blown conversation about politics and weather with one of my fish. I think "watergardens" is code for "mental asylum".
( Bathory, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Bang to rights
Have you ever been caught 'bang to rights' but got away with it?

Many moons ago, I was working abroad and catching a flight home every two weeks for the weekend.
After several months of flying and not getting searched I decided to take half an oz of the finest pollem away with me (I was living in a studio flat on my own & with no social life, it seemed worth the risk!).
Rather than hide the dope on my person, I'd thrown it into the bottom of my rucksack and packed everything on top.
Anyway, when I got to security, I found they were searching the bags of everyone going through as there had been some security alert (this was several years ago, before it all went nuts like it is today).
When I got to the 'dude' (as I shall forever refer to him), I handed my bag over and hoped he would just have a poke about.
I'm a rather calm person by nature and decided to just play it cool and see what happened.
What happened is he emptied every bloody thing out of the bag!
When he got out the last thing, which was a bag of socks that I'd dumped over the gear, he just stared for a few seconds into the bag.
I knew he was staring at my lump of dope and the fear started to rise in my belly.
Then he calmy put the socks back before repacking my bag and handing it to me.
"We're just looking for weapons today sir. Have a nice day." he said with a wink and a little smile.
Although my sphlincter hadn't slackened a micron, I still managed a muffled "you too mate." before walking calmy, yet quickly through to the departure lounge.

I still occasionally raise a glass to that guy. A sane man in and increasingly beaurocratical and analy-retentive society.

Actually, maybe this should be a question about sane men/women in an insane world?

*is too stoned to think about it*
(EvilMeister, Sat 22 Sep 2007, 21:01, Reply)