she told me I was a great shag

and that, even though she'd only just met me, she thought I was funny and clever and caring, and that she could actually imagine falling in love with me. Then she asked if I wanted to cuddle, or if I wanted she could heat up some food for us.

I said, "you haven't been a bondage mistress for very long, have you?".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 13:11, Reply)

House and contents insurance
Renewal quote from the Halifax - £456.00

Online quote for better coverage from DirectLine - £252.00

I think this is what they call a no-brainer.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 20 Feb 2007, 13:08, Reply)

elephant.co.uk
Insurance premium £200, not bad... Unfortunately I had to scrap car as it fell apart :-( Oh well I though, I'll get a refund on what's left of my premium... I did, minus a £45 cancellation fee... £45 Mmmm
( Owza, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 12:50, Reply)

Meat
I was in a restaraunt drinking a fine Lager when my steak arrived. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it wasn't beef and was an inferior horse steak.

Ugh, people today.

Yes, I know it's not funny :-p

No, I don't care :o)

Roll on the next QOTW
(lardaholics anonymous, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Meat
I was in a restaraunt drinking a fine Cabernet Savignon when my steak arrived. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it wasn't Chateaubriand and was an inferior Short Loin.

Ugh, people today.

Yes, I know it's not funny :-p

No, I don't care :o)

Roll on the next QOTW
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 11:48, Reply)

Scammed in Split
First post!

I was in Croatia a couple of years ago with a good friend. On the last day we took a busride out to a quaint village near Split. We asked for and bought two return tickets so we could get back again. We spent the day wandering around at our leisure, bought a few postcards of dalmatian dogs with dolphins jumping over them (?) and then went for dinner before heading back. We found a taverna with what looked like a good 'meal deal'; three courses for a very reasonable price. Not eating meat I ordered the fish choice and my friend had the chicken choice. My starter of 'soup' turned up and when I asked what flavour it was I was told 'the flavour is red'. Fine, I thought, well I'll just give it a go. It was ok, the fish main course was alright but we were both looking forward to sating our sweet tooth for the final dish. Out came dessert - one biscuit each, laid on a white napkin. Great. Rip off #1!

Anyway, off we went to get on the bus back to Split. Again we checked that the tickets were returns. 'Yes' affirmed the driver and he waved us on to the bus. About 20 minutes into the journey we came across a huge traffic jam caused by an accident. We waited patiently a while and then some conducters came onto the bus to check tickets. No problem we thought. 'These are not return tickets' we were told. 'Yes they are' we said. 'No they aren't'... etc etc. The conducters started threatening fines and charges despite our protestations. I pointed at the bus driver and said that he had assured us we had returns so it must be his fault not ours. He then eventually just got off the bus anyway and someone else got on. At this point the group of Croatian students behind started shouting 'Girl Power' and punching the air. But did they offer to translate and help us out? Nope. We eventually got back to Split at 10pm to arrive at a deserted square in the dark. Suddenly no one is around but three conducters demanding we pay £50 or they would call the police and we would have to pay £500. No chance of this and by this point I'd given up on broken english and had swapped to german which they all understood better. We tried to explain it was our last day there and we had no money but soon enough they made the call to the 'police' and then demanded our passports. No chance of me handing my passport over to anyone who is wearing a makeshift uniform. In the end we gave them the equivalent of £5 which was all we had and this bizarrely was enough. They wrote us out a receipt, shook our hands and trilled 'Guten Abend' as they walked off. Rip Off #2!

On another matter, how's this for being ripped off. My partner was contracted to live in a house for a year only to be told one day that they weren't liked anymore and had to move out. This would have been ok if my partner had the chance to just quietly move away but one day we turned up to find the entire room inexplicably packed into boxes (sample box contents: one cashmere jumper, one packet of crisps, one bag of pasta, one tub of fishtank gravel, one glass lamp, one bottle of wine, underwear, one camera) - no prior warning given or permission asked for. The house was a total shithole anyway - RIP OFF!
(Rosemarysbaby, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 11:44, Reply)

Sitting on the train
The other week nearing my station when a bunch of spotty tracksuit bedecked teenager boys rushed on giggling manicly. They kept joshing one of the boys saying "what you get? what you get?" Grinning boy reveals a largish clingfilm wrapped package of green leaves.

(Bare in mind this is a 1/2 full underground train and the boys aren;t too subtle so 90% of the people around them know what's going on)

Apon unwrapping the package the leaves within look suspiciously like hedge leaves. Obviously the boys were a bit angry adn get intoa heated discussion if it's real or not and wether or not they should go back. All the while the rest of the carage is sat there trying to wipe the simles off our faces. When the kids got off the carrage did burst into much laughter and merriment.

Poors kids. Not only getting ripped off on a Dope deal but having a carrige full of comuters party to them finding out and laughing at em.
aww didums
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 11:22, Reply)

Razzle
One summer my parents found my special 'Tesco Carrier Bag of Porn'.
They gave me a proper shooing and made me feel like a filthy little perv.
One week later I found all my jazz mags stashed on top of their bedroom cupboard. Nasty.
I felt properly ripped off.
(Dr Platypus ...and his coconuts, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 11:00, Reply)

Um
There was this girl and we ripped each others clothes off and...

Oh wait, wrong ripped off - sorry!

:o)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 10:59, Reply)

Old Bastard
One vaguely sunny Saturday afternoon, the missus and I decided that seeing as it was such a pleasant day, our best plan of action would be to ensconce ourselves in a dingy pub somewhere and get plastered. So off we went and hopped aboard the Toy Town Railway for the short trip south to Greenwich. Now Greenwich can be a really hideous place, full of tourists and students from the local, ahem, "university", but it has some top draw boozers, it was winter so it wasn't too bad on the tourist front and as long as you avoid the Scream pub (piss yellow, big fuck-off version of Jenga, can't miss it), you shouldn't have too many problems.

So, we settle ourselves into the St Christopher (bit shite, but normally quiet) and crack on with the afternoon's drinking. We were only about three or four pints in when I come back from the bar to find some Uncle Albert type sat at the table talking to said missus. This guy is flogging cartons of fags, 15 quid each or 25 for two. Having bought innumerable cartons of fags off blokes in pubs before, my hand was in my pocket quicker than you can say "Lung cancer? Oh yes please sir, but could you make it a large one" and, brandishing a pair of twenties, asked him if he had any change. Before I go further, I should point out this bloke looked the very image of respectability; he had a note book out on the table with a list of names in it, he's scattered a couple of other twenties on the table and he's holding another one up to the light to make sure it's real. Complete pro.

So when this bloke said he didn't have any change on him but if I follow him out of the pub, he'll nip and get some along with the fags and holds out his hand for cash, I don't think anything of it and just hand over 40 quid. I follow him out the pub and he says wait on that bench, I'll be back in a sec and I'll come out of that door there, pointing.

15 minutes later, it finally dawned that I'm never see the old cunt again and the door turns out to be for some children's group or other. Mug? Why yes I am, but if you find yourself in Greenwich and some 5'8"-ish old boy, looking a bit ex-navy, asks you if you want some fags, say "No thanks" and give him a good firm kick in the balls from me.
(Go on , touch it, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 10:43, Reply)

Don't Pay As You Go
Back in the days of pot noodles and tax free earnings, I’d heard about those chipped PAYG mobiles and fancied one for myself. I popped into Woolworths, paid £50 and then headed along to the Barras Market in Glasgow. £15 later I had a mobile with £20 of credit that never went down. I didn’t expect it to last forever and hammered the phone for 6 weeks before it was cut off. Nevermind, I’d easily ran up well over £65 worth of calls, so I was ahead.

With the phone now useless, I was going to throw it away until someone suggested taking it back to Woolworths. What seemed like a crazy idea at first started to grow on me, especially as they worked in another store and knew their refund policy. The following weekend, I marched back into Woolies and found a pasty faced Saturday kid working behind the desk. Without too much persuasion, they gave me a full refund for an “unwanted gift” and only opened the box to check it had a phone in it. Thank god they didn’t pick it up or switch it on.

6 weeks worth of free calls and my money back for the phone. Kerrrching.

Length? It was one of those 8” mobile brick phones.
(StevieMcK, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 10:31, Reply)

Bandit Frenchies!!
Was recently in Paris in a cafe for lunch and was charged 28 euro (~£18!!!!!!!) for two medium sized glasses of orange juice!!!!
The food was priced at a resonable tenner each for food but there were no prices for the drinks.


Assumptions truly are the brother of all fuck-ups!
(El Maestro owns a Honda Accord, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 10:31, Reply)

mobiles / cell phones (below)
From memory, I think if you're going overseas, one cheap-ish thing to do is get an answering service (based in your home country, not in the country where you're going to be), where someone answers your phone and takes a message, and then passes a text message on to you. You pay for each text and a small amount for the service, and then you can ring them back on a land line when you get the chance (but you find out about the call more or less straight away, so you can respond if it's urgent).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Bargain
I've just bid £5.6 million for Britney Spears' hair.

A bargain, no?

.

Not really - noone's so stupid as to actually bother to bid for a lock of her hair are they?

Apparently.

Some people.....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 8:50, Reply)

Brussels
I was in Brussels just before Christmas on a course. Well, it was 4 days/nights of excessive drinking and partying that happened to be scheduled around an IT course.

Anyhoo.

I've got 2 mobiles - a personal and a work one. The company pays for the work phone and I never see a bill (wooyay!) - in my infinite wisdom, I diverted my personal phone to my work one so I only had to answer 1 phone (it made sense at the time).

Imagine my surprise when, in January, I got my (personal) bill - a 5 minute call cost around £4! I worked out that since it was diverted I paid for the damn incoming call anyway. Gah!

Not to mention all the abroad texts that weren't covered by my free ones!

Could be worse, my mate was out in Norway for a week and racked up £300 worth of calls!

Ha ha ha.

Size? ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzip ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 8:45, Reply)

I can see why all you fellas love Rachelswipe. But please, give us ladies a chance with her ;)
As for ripping people off - a few years ago, my first husband and I had a convertible VW Golf. Ex hubby was experimenting with selling cars on Ebay, and we decided to sell the VW and by a Karmann Ghia.
We got the Ghia (god, she was beautiful) and a couple of weeks later, we sold the convertible. The buyer lived in Fresno, which was approx a 4 1/2 hour drive from us, so we offered to drive it up there and then get the train back (it was an adventure and we figured it would be fun - it was).

3 days before taking it up there, one of the axles broke, so we took it to the local Mexicans and had it jerry-rigged for approx $350 (as opposed to $1K plus) and drove it up there.

We actually sold it to the singer and drummer couple from the band Animotion - they had a one hit wonder with Obsession (you're an obsession, you're my obsession) but didn't realise who they were till we got there.

We ripped them off royally and they didn't realise. They even took us around the town and out for lunch for driving all that way before we got the train back (when we got hammered).

Yay?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 8:22, Reply)

Feckin' ITV
I got hammered one night (just for a change) and decided to call one of those idiot ITV1 competition things. Several times. Did I get through? No.

What a crock of shit that was.

Only realised when I got the bill a month later. Feck.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 8:20, Reply)

Room Service
Hotel in Stratford upon Avon
a Cheese sandwich on a plate with a bit of salad and a few crisps was £25.00.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 0:06, Reply)

bugger.
from the ages of birth to 7 i had the glorious distinction of having to share my birthday only with Lord Nelson and a few other notables from history. But from then on, at every birthday party since, my sister has been the object of attention and taken away my thunder.

ripped off on my one day of attention seekingness by a relation. just because she's cute and was a wee bit premature. if only mum had uncrossed her legs one day later.
bollocks.
(fushundchups taste better with vinegar, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 23:07, Reply)

amish information systems,
The fact that a shrink wrap costs 45p is probably down to the man hours involved. Having delt with a shrink wappping machine that blasts hot plastic fumes in your face after every use, I know that i can take as much as two hours to wrap five items. The ablity of the plastic to melt mind and time into a blur, made me feel that I wasent being ripped off for working for free.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 22:20, Reply)

18th Birthday and 21st for that matter...
I was expecting my life to change and magic to spurt from my ears and hey presto im an adult, this is all lies - i feel ripped off by the lack of feeling "grown up" and adult
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 21:26, Reply)

I'm still waiting..
for that lollypop my uncle promised me after brutally raping me up the shitter.

Bastard!
(mmm_oates, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 21:26, Reply)

erm...
"10 quid" Said the 15 year old prozzy after an hour of huffing and puffing.

"10 quid?" asked I. "You've ripped me off!"

"An hour of sex for 10 quid is not a rip off!" replied the vexed lady of the night.

"No no no!" I cried, "I went in a Cavalier and came out a Roundhead!"
(mmm_oates, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 21:24, Reply)

B3ta
I was ripped off by B3ta.

I'm a very long time lerker who whilst tempted to post, never quite got round to doing so. About 4/5 months ago (according to my profile anyway) the was a QOTW that i acturly had a couple of reasonable answers for... Hmm thought I. Why not.

The question?

It was the one to do with the older generation and computers.

I fix box's for one of the larger indipendants (mostly high end gaming box's with pain in the ass watercooling snizzle) and whilst i don't deal with the public face to face a couple of our lads do.

2 classics in my time there. The guy who bought some SIMM's from us of the 72 pin kind by mistake (his son had depatched him for some 30's) and upon reaching home and realising his error instead of bringing it back. He tried to force it in...

Which roughly translated to him getting out his hacksaw and vice and sawing it in half.

Needless to say it didn't post. I think it's the only time we've openly laughed in a customers face.

The second one involved another gent of older years who had bought a processor with a barebones unit. We'd gone out of our way to explain heatsinks and paste and the thermal conductive propertys of the liqued you spread on.

Taking this in his head the gent then went home and had the brainwave that as the end result that you wanted was to make heat conduct faster... What's better to use than corn oil from the deep fat frier...

He didn't acturly explain this when he came in. He just said it didn't work and one of the guys brought it out back for us to inspect. It was all slick and kept flying out of our hands as we tried to inspect it. I think that was warrenty void too.

Anyhow. I had more. I collected storys from around work for a few days after the question was posted. I then realised that even through i lurked, i didn't have an account. No matter thought I. I'll make one. It'll be a quick job. After all those years lurking i get to make a post...

Then. Disaster struck (cue music). It turns out all the newbs are only admited on a certain day. And having already passed that day in the week, i'd have to wait another 5 or 6 for my chance to come.

Much too late for QOTW.

So cheers B3ta. I'll never get to make that first post, and i'll never get a chance to use those stories on QOTW.

Bah.

Length - About a week. I already told you.
(Kaine, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 21:18, Reply)

It's amazing what city folks will buy
In the past, to make money, members of our local community have:

- sold grass squares as "Wembley Turf"
- sold "organic" eggs. They weren't technically organic (next doors farm used pesticides), but they were free range.
- Sold Lambrini as "Welsh Cider".

And various other bits and pieces.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 21:17, Reply)

NTL:
The universe's biggest rip-off.

I'm currently paying them the better part of sixty quid a month for a television service that freezes up every two seconds (with an onscreen guide that doesn't work at least 50% of the time), a broadband connection that is supposed to be fast, but runs like a snail through treacle (when it works...), & a phoneline of questionable quality.

Mind you, who doesn't have issues with that lot?
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 20:38, Reply)

Yngwie "Fuckin" Malmsteen
Last year, I heard Dragonforce (newish Power metal band) were supporting Yngwie in Wolverhampton. Not a huge Malmsteen fan but I figured "Why not, Dragonforce are great and YM should be OK". Tickets were about £20 or so, plus fees etc, and after we got them it turns out Dragonforce are not on the bill. Oh well, still a gig eh ?
We turn up and the first 2 bands are pretty forgetable (?Mendeed? and ?Katharsis?) - but to be fair not my bag, my mate John liked them. Then YM comes on. Well, his body and about half his ego came on. Now the man can play - Ill give him that, technically he is superb but MY GOD i) get a singer, ii) When performing a song, structure helps - y'know an intro, verse, chorus (feel free to mix these up a wee bit) - DO NOT begin every fuckin song with a 10 minute pseudo-classical screaming guitar solo, have 1 verse sung and then do another 10 miute solo all the while necking Red Bull, de stringing your white (ONLY white)guitar (WOW!) and grinning like a retard.

Ripped off ? You bet.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 20:30, Reply)

I have vague memories of ripping off Dixons once.
They had a deal, wherein if you took in a 'personal stereo' they'd give you money off a CD player.

Around the same time, if you collected enough tokens from packets of Frosties and sent them a few quid, you could get a personal tape player.

You can see where this is going.

I got fifty quid off a CD player from that. The bloke in the shop was quite happy about it, as the advert clearly stated it was ok.

He later went on to tell me that if I took in two lightbulbs and passed them off as 'electrical equipment' I could have a free microwave.
( gone, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 20:20, Reply)

Paying for a wank?
Having gone back and read through I felt sorry for the guy who'd forked over $31 for a porny wank. Don't you Merkin folk have loads of free porn available on t'interweb? I never pay for anything.
Anyway, got me thinking. I hate my job, I hate my boss, I hate my employer, and I especially hate it when I have to go in on a Saturday. I don't have much to do, as my job involves dealing with mon-fri types, I'm only there to 'supervise' the peons, so it's very quiet. So obviously I sneak off to my basement office, and often have a a shuffle or two to pass the time. I love the thought that they're paying me for pleasuring myself!
And they acuse us of ripping them off if we spend too long having a smoke, if only they knew...

Length? It more about enthusiasm and timing!
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 19:51, Reply)