Funniest thing my dad ever said....
We were driving somewhere or other years ago and I noticed my dad kept looking at the rear view mirror, slowly getting more and more aggitated at the dude following us too closely for comfort. Eventually my dad blurts out "Whats this dick doing up my arse!?!?" At least my laughter and his realisation defused his rage...
( jon_tanner, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 21:43, Reply)

I commute...
...over 60 miles by car every day, to get home in the evening, I'm forced to negotiate a large portion of Leeds city center loop.
A few months ago, I was driving towards leeds on the M62, when a complete cunt in a Volvo, came flying past me, weaving through traffic, undertaking, and generally being a prick.
After some time, I ended up on the city center loop with him in front of me, still acting like a twat,forcing his way into gaps too small for his car etc. As we reached the part of the loop which goes past the station, the Volvo driver swerved into another lane, very narrowly missing a white van, at that point the traffic came to a halt. The driver of the white van (a 6 foot 6 blonde rugby player type) got out of his cab, walked around to the front of the Volvo, and promptly kicked in both headlights.
The Volvo driver did absolutely nothing, and drove very politely from that point on.
( PieJuice, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 21:24, Reply)

road rage
many happy memories of me shouting "you use kittens for masturbation"
from inside a car with tinted windows while driving past the
local animal shelter.

yes i am sure they heard me.
and yes i was a sad child.


.
(i eat crayons, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 21:16, Reply)

Two weeks after passing my test.
I was driving along down the M20, when some old feller pulled in front of me, without indicating, and proceeded to slow right down.

Five minutes later, the red mist cleared and I found myself doing 120mph down the outside lane, still screaming abuse at the old man who was by now so far behind I doubt he could even see, let alone hear me.

It was just then that the truth hit me. I had become my dad, only about three times worse.

Happily I've never lost it to that extent since. I do still hurl abuse at people with minimal provocation, but I've spent most of my life doing that, so it doesn't really count as road rage.
(Uncle Comrade, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 21:05, Reply)

My mum
Who is normally the epicentre of calm, was driving down the road the other day, when some woman who evidently couldn't drive nearly swerved into us, then proceeded to pull up, get out, and come shout at my mum, who then calmly rolled down the window, and punched her straight in the face.

Needless to say, I was stunned and impressed in equal measure, especially at the sight of the newly-punched biatch running back to her car and getting the hell away.

Quite funny it was too.
(fantomex, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 20:40, Reply)

a radical suggestion to reduce traffic accidents
How about this - let's make the speed limit an actual maximum of how fast you can drive, rather than what it currently is, an overall average such that if you get stuck behind an old person or a cyclist you're allowed to drive faster to make up. And develop a towering sense of outrage.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 20:32, Reply)

I wish I had a calmer temper

like my dear friend Heather. I've never once seen her lose her head on the road, though I did hear she once lost a leg there.
(Lt Columbo, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 19:59, Reply)

My black tinted windows

are the perfect shield to conceal my spineless fist waving, bird flipping, yellow belly ways.

Jay Kay (Jamiroquai fella) getting headbutted always brings a smile to my face and give me a warm feeling inside, proof that road rage does have a place in modern day society.
(Lt Columbo, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 19:28, Reply)

Bikes v Cars
I'm a cyclist, seeing as how driving lessons/petrol/insurance etc cost a lot of money and I am but a por student.

In the ongoing cars v bikes debate, this means I am fit and healthy, not to mention that much richer, and can rationalise disliking energy efficient light-bulbs, as at least I'm not polluting on the road. These are all considerable plus points.

However, I'm more likely to die in a road accident, get everywhere sweaty and horrible, and if I do i for too long, I'll actually become infertile (NB, this is true, unlike that frankly bizarre urban legend about polo mints killing all your precious little sperm), and as such will buy a car the moment it becomes financially viable, at least for long/uphill journeys.

On the subject, though, it really pisses me off when those swanky car-driving arseparts don't thank me when I pull over to let them past. Much more than it really should. It just gets my goat something rotten.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 18:37, Reply)

drive-by - the wettening
the setting - a long, stony friday evening in mid-July in my chav-infested village.
supplies - 1 car, 2 water pistols.

you can probably put all that together and figure out what we got up to. the only problem came when we decided to start hitting bouncers with our watery bullets. we hit one HUGE motherfucker outside our most despised local club {it used to be a cool cinema} and with speed that i can't help but admire this brick wall of a man leaps into his brick wall of a car {a black Jeep} and chases our little Ford Escourt out of town. the chase saw us nearly crashing into an Ecilop car {thankfully vacant} whilst the bouncer guy screamed "GET OUT OF THAT FUCKING CAR" at us for about half a mile. he gave up eventually. maybe he noticed this was two stoned students and not the Stalyvegas Masseeev.

lesson from this? don't get bouncers slightly damp. they don't like it no they don't.
(missRose cor!, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 17:57, Reply)

appologies for the length, i hope its worth it
I lied on my CV about my experience as a chef and a waiter, but fortunately this lie got me work at Buckingham palace working for the queen herself, I would bring her cups of tea, and serve her at meal times; it grew to quite a strong friendship, perhaps even intense.

By an unexpected piece of good fortune, a few years in to my working for her, her personal aide was exposed to be a reporter for the sun, but like the pussy they all are, he ran away, and I, as her majesties favorite was able to slip in his place, helping her out in day to day life, organizing her diary, running errands, and even helping her with the new computer she'd just got, it was hopeless trying to explain the internet to her.

As we came closer through our work, she allowed me to dress down the posh suit I was wearing a little, loosing the tie and loosening the shirt at first, but as dress down Friday became everyday I dressed more and more casually, eventually to the point where I was wearing my old seventies attire a red and green tie-dyed t-shirt and flares.

Then I started to take advantage of her trust and fondness to indulge in my crush on her, I knew it was wrong to fancy the queen of England, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted her, and I was trying to let her know it with the informal dress by moving to shorts, tight cycling shorts, and an open shirt, surely she couldn’t resist that?

And by some miracle she couldn’t, we began to spend more time alone, and giving each other the odd peck on the cheek. But over the next few weeks it went like a whirlwind, falling head over heals in love.

Unfortunately it apparently wasn’t quite enough for me, as after a few months when I was working at the Charles - Camilla wedding. The queen, or Little Lizzy as I called her now, had offered me, as her personal aide, as a gift to Camilla to help her out on the day, so I helped her with her make-up, helped keep her calm, helped her with her dress, etc.

But it was in that last errand it came unstuck, while helping her put on her dress I saw all her beautiful body, and she noticed I was getting hard, one thing led to another and we ended up having a quickie on the floor.

This I could have kept quiet, were it not for the Chlamydia infection she passed on to me, god damn that hurt. Every time I went to the bog it was like pissing razors, fucking hurt my rude bits like id never felt before.

Unfortunately I had passed this on to the queen before symptoms showed up, I was a dead man. I had to tell her about the one night stand with Camilla, and as soon as I did she denied our entire relationship and accused me of rape, straight to the top of the sex offenders register I was put.

That march from the palace to the police van, in front of all the press and the photographers was totally humiliating, yet there was nothing I could do about it, it was undoubtedly the worst journey I’ve ever made. But that wasn’t the end of it, for the entire journey in the van to the cells angry subjects lined the route, hurling abuse and missiles, such road-rage I’ve never seen in my life and to add insult to injury, and a burning penis, I was barred from coming within 5 miles of Buckingham palace and the queen, for life.

So here I sit in prison, arse rapped thrice daily, I’m starting to get used to it now. My biggest regret in my life has to be sleeping with Camilla, if it weren’t for that I could still be happily working with the queen in our intimate relationship


no penis jokes please, mine still hurts
( wjh31, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 16:49, Reply)

Equanimity
means staying calm under stress, and that's the kinda guy I am. Nothing other road users do upsets me much - the real idiots might make me swear a bit.

But last week I saw something that made me want to get a sledgehammer, an axe and some paint stripper and REALLY go to work on this twunt's car.

It was a bumper sticker. It read:

"I Believe in Angels"




FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 16:45, Reply)

So many but this one stands out...
In my younger days I decided foolishly to buy a BMW sports coupe (still paying it off!) which I then drove around like an utter UTTER cnut, I can be antagonistic and I have a volcanic temper (viking genes) hence I got into more scrapes than I really should have, but thats another story for another day...

My claim to infamy was to race/chop up/then generally abuse our town mayor in his shitty MG ZT estate old mans car after he cut me up at a junction coming out of our road.

I know what Im capable of so now I drive a 10yr old diesel toyota, MUCH less aggro, and kinder to my wallet, although I still dont like politicians!
(Suomi_Finland_Perkele knocking 256 shades of shit out of your screen on, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 13:41, Reply)

grr
people who claim cyclists don't pay for the roads they cycle on are morons

car tax doesn't actually get spent on building and maintaining roads

county councils build & maintain roads. if your car tax was spent n building roads you ould buy it from your county council.

so, by your logic, you shouldn't be allowed to drive your car outside the county you live in.

makes me angry just thinking about how such idiotic people are allowed to drive.

i'm going out on my bike now to point and laugh at all the people sitting in traffic jams paying 90p per litre for the priviledge
(globalloon, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Road rage is less in Holland because.....
I live and work in a major city in Holland, not that chav-infested cess-pit Amsterdam before you ask, and am both a cyclist and motorist. I’m also a Brit.

I wasn’t going to submit to this QOTW but after seeing all the cyclists and motorists arguing I though I would, so here goes:

Motorists and cyclists in the UK will never agree, each wants to take the high ground and can’t see the other’s point of view.

Road rage is much less in Holland - Because everyone cycles, the cyclists have separate lanes (with separate traffic lights), most drivers are also cyclists, and the dutch are not as defensive as the Brits and won’t go off half-cocked just because someone has transgressed “their” bit of road.

The fact that everyone cycles in Holland means that the population are also much fitter (remember that Britain is the fattest country in Europe, especially Oop North) and after growing up cycling all the dutch birds are MUCH fitter than the average skanky, fat howler-monkeys you get in the UK.

Coming back to the UK occasionally really shows me how the UK really is just full of fat, ignorant, arrogant twunts who would rather sit in their cars all day hurling abuse at everyone else than getting out and getting some exercise to get rid of their aggression.

I don’t want to start a big debate about why Holland is better than the UK, because in many ways it’s not – But as far as road rage, cycling and a fitter population goes they’ve got it sussed!

By the way, don’t bother e-mailing me to tell me about how Holland is flat and therefore easier to cycle around – I already know that. Just go and buy yourself a bike you fat twunt (and one for your fat bird)!
(Catpope, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 13:28, Reply)

I don't drive
so the only one I can think of is the crossing the road on the school run problem I have.
Busy road, nobody can be arsed to be a lollipop person apparently. They are resurfacing the path meaning there is only one spot to cross, it's pissing down, I'm a week from my due date (with a dodgy pelvis thing going on) and I have 2 children. I've been waiting nearly 10 minutes to cross when I finally get a clear time when some twat from the council parks in front of me. Hence an outpouring of hormonal expletives. He moved really quickly and my children had their vocabulary expanded somewhat.
( moogy boobles, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 13:03, Reply)

i'll matriculate yo' ass
Whilst on my way to work on my shiny new segway last week, some twunt on a sinclair c5 totally cut me up. after picking up my ironic hasselhoff head-shaped rucksack i sped after the evildoer, and upon drawing level with him recited pi to 1000 places - that showed the gimp.
sadly, after doing so, a middle aged salesman driving a mondeo pulled out without looking and crushed us both to death.
(bollox, not again, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 12:31, Reply)

I have to go places
but it seems some people drive "for the pleasure of it" around Dorset where I commuute. One road in particular is a 60mph road dead strait about 3 miles long but it also has lots of traffic. This is produced by some cunt with a disabled badge (which means they are old and shit at driving) so if any of you out there are old and either have a disabled badge (shouldnt be driving) or a flat cap (too old to drive) then you are a cunt and you driving half the speed limmit makes people late which causes them to either speed later or try to overtake your decrepid near-corpse. Moral of the story? JUST FUCKING DIE YOU OLD CUNTS!
( SiX and his hat, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 12:10, Reply)

Cyclists
I believe - and correct me if I'm wrong - that bicycles in Switzerland have to carry their equivalent of a tax disc? This means that a fee is paid, obv not as much as a car pays, but they pay their way nonetheless. Seems fair; roads are maintained for the good of all users, after all. And to the argument that 'ah but (pedal) bikes don't spew out poisonous fumes' - you ever tried travelling 60 miles in an hour on a bike? Or moving a wardrobe? Or getting a weeks' shopping for a family home? Quite. Everything has its' place and consequent cost.

As for a three yard cycle lane, sure you don't mean three feet? Three yards is almost the width of one lane....(while three yarrs as I originally misspelled it is a delighted pirate.)

Someone lower down got it right; if everyone stopped acting like a fucking tool on the road, we'd all do a lot better and life would be nicer.

But while we're on the cyclist tip, here's what pisses me off: people with £x00 bikes with gears and whizzy bits and go faster stuff and that....doing 4mph on an A road that's not wide enough or is too bendy to pass on safely. C'mon, I'm not squeezing past you and knocking you into a hedge, at least get up a decent speed, that's what the gears are for after all!

Also; motorcyclists popping wheelies on the A327. Stop it, firstly it's v dangerous (you can't see ahead properly and your control is undeniably limited) and secondly it's the equivalent of the Lotus Penis Extension driver actually getting his cock out - it's pitiful.

I need more tea.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 10:02, Reply)

Route 66
Fucking route 66. Thinks it's so great. Going from Chicago to Los Angeles like a cunt. Laughing at me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 8:14, Reply)

Women
Recently I was on a website and there was a chat room and someone came in claiming to be female.

I didn't believe them and told them so. So they said 'Ask me a question then that will prove whether I'm a woman or not'.

So I asked 'What kind of cars go faster - red ones or blue ones?'

Their response - 'Lol haha'.

A real woman would have either answered 'red ones' or just got pissed off.

Q.E.D.

(Ok, it's not really about road rage, but I mean, if we had been in cars, and they'd been wearing a frock and had a beard and a stack of Star Trek DVDs on the front seat, etc.)
(><(((">, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 8:09, Reply)

nikwood28
OK, I pay for the road, I drive to work, I sometimes drive to the shops too. Am I allowed on the road on my bike? Or how about simply because it's the *law* and hazardous driving is going to get people killed therefore you should pay attention to other road users and act responsibly.

I am not in any way supporting riders who flaunt the rules either - that is just as bad.

How about this... whatever you travel in or on, don't be a numpty? Seriously, it's not hard. I'm not the greatest driver in the world, but I sure as hell don't do half the things on here that some people appear to be proud of.

Obrage (or avoidance thereof): My sister was knocked off her bike at a roundabout a few months back, and the driver didn't stop. A witness attested that my sister was in the right - even if she wasn't, the driver should have stopped. FFS, she could easily have been killed.

My sister laughed it off, and when the witness offerred to support her story to the police, she told him not to bother. When I saw her, I asked why. If it were me, I would have been fuming.

She showed me her bike. Her (metal) pedal now had an interesting patch of blue where it had scraped from one end of the twat's car to the other.

EDIT: With reference to Supercollider (above) I would personally be more than happy to pay road tax (at a reasonable level) for my bike. Bear in mind though, in Switzerland you pay more tax for using the motorway, and remember that most cyclists also drive, and so already do pay for the roads they are using, they have just chosen a different form of transport for that particular trip.

Regardless, the law as it currently stands allows cyclists on the road - there is no reason whatsoever to endanger their lives. Most drivers don't, and most cyclists aren't prats either. DBAD.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 8:09, Reply)

To all the Bicycle Haters on the Board
Not having a go back, even though I am a cyclist myself. I also feel that a lot of my fellow kind are a bunch of twats. We should (as I do) obey things like red lights, roundabouts, one way streets and the like. Too many of them give us that actually do obey the law, a bad name!

Still, I get behind the wheel, I too am always "F*king cyclists!"
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 2:33, Reply)

Micra Vs. Twatmobile
So, I was driving a fairly respectable 65 down a 50 duel carriageway (In my Nissan Micra Collette!) when this prig in a Lotus Penis Extension zoomed past at about 90 and cut right in front of me. Stopping at lights further ahead I emphatically mouthed 'wanker' at him. He must have seen me because he got out his Lotus Mid Life Crisis and stormed towards my car, saying (in a very David Brent-ish style) 'You calling me a wanker? You're the wanker!' He tried to open the door but I have a habit of locking car doors as soon as I sit in one, so he couldn't get in. Anyway, he banged on the window, yelling obscenities, (my 12 year old sister was in the car and crying) and stormed back to his Lotus It Really Is This Big, where he shot off as soon as the lights went green again, going 0-60 in what seemed like 2 seconds. Anyway, I was pretty shaken up until I saw some flashing blue lights pulling out of a nearby off-road ahead, quickly gaining on the speeding Twat. Never saw the Lotus Tiny Cock Replacement or the police car again, but I can only presume they met and it would have been glorious. His girlfriend was half his age and woefully ugly too. I like to think I somehow 'won'.
(aeroplane, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 2:20, Reply)