Twix of Doom (pearoast)
Pearoast, but relevant. And I've still not eaten one since.

My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my auntie’s boss. We had a nice time there, wandering around the priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was on the horizon.

“Would you eat something out of me?” she asked one evening.

I confess I was rather bewildered and wondered what she could mean: A banana? Some chocolate? A pie? I suggested these things and she decided that a Twix would be a good idea.

The next morning we walked to the local Spar shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe put it into the freezer for a while so that it wouldn’t melt in a flash (amongst other things) and she agreed.

“I’m ready,” she said late that evening. She went upstairs before me while I retrieved the Twix from the freezer, following in her footsteps moments later. When I reached the bedroom she had already undressed and was lying on the bed, her legs apart. For a moment I wondered how I was going to do this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one finger in or both of them? I didn’t want to ask as I felt this would just make her nervous and would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to insert a single finger and opened the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen of condensation having been in the freezer all day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I tested it.

“This is going to be cold,” I warned before introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid inside and I left about an inch of it sticking out. For a moment I looked at the rather ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me, before bending down and biting off about half of the exposed finger of Twix.

Without warning the whole thing vanished inside her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled, wondering what I should do. I didn’t think it would be The Done Thing to prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a moment.

And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin the sheets – which, after all, were not ours – I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my hand quickly filled and I was then forced to consider what I was going to do with a hand full of rather hot melted Twix as I could hardly say “just crimp yourself off, love – I need to go and wash my hand”, so screwing my eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my other one was slowly filling.

Then, just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely, eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and caramel, like an albino penis. I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate, quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary genital deluge to stop.

I don’t think I’ve eaten a Twix since.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 18:26, 16 replies)

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 18:42, closed)

^this

( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:03, closed)

Good grief.
You had me at twix of doom. There is a tiny, shameful part of me that was disappointed that you didn't get to stick the other bar up her arse. Let's face it, why else would she choose a Twix?
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 18:57, closed)

I was going to click the twix of doom post
but then I read yours and felt my click should go elsewhere.
(OTT, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:04, closed)

I thank you.
There is no other reason for the Twix selection as far as I can see. There are other similarly girthed, singular format chocolate coated biscuit snacks available. She was filthy!!
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:13, closed)

The second finger
Maybe she fancied it as a snack for afterwards, or perhaps she just found the idea of it less of a challenge than, say, a Lion Bar.

I've never been tempted by the "exit tunnel" but she did ask me to put Lipsyl on my finger once and pop it up there. She seemed to like it. Strange girl.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:34, closed)

I ate a Picnic bar out of my partners bum once. Or at least I thought thats what it was.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:02, closed)

Bwahahaha!
This tickled me more than it should
(TheColonel, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:37, closed)

0_0




.
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:12, closed)

Shoud've used a crunchie.

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:26, closed)

I don't normally like reposts,
but this one has aged well.

How is Marianne?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 19:27, closed)

A classic.
*clicks again*
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 20:35, closed)

All the above comments are correct.
An expert tale, expertly told. *click*
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Fri 9 Dec 2011, 0:42, closed)

Gracious me...
Even second time around this is one of the funniest stories I have read. Brilliant!
(Discocat is bringing sexy back, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:18, closed)

I like the biscuit base
This is full of disgusting win.
(Connor Lingus is running this monkey farm now, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 18:51, closed)

Splendid
I'm glad no-one here asked why i was silently crying w laughter.
(dyllon nice beaver., Wed 14 Dec 2011, 7:56, closed)