Does bike theft count?
I used to chain my bicycle to the railings outside Brighton station.

One day I got back from work, and someone had chained their bike to my bike. Trying to fathom the reason for this still keeps me awake at night. It was still there a week later, so I made the decision to unchain my bike from the railings and try and wheel the two bikes (my bike and the random bike) home and separate them, thus doubling my bicycle ownership.

The trouble was, as I was huffing and puffing my way home, a police car slowly pulled up beside me. A head stuck out and he said "do you know why we're stopping you, Sir?"

I said "I'll hazard a guess Officer - is it because I am pushing two chained-together bicycles up a hill?"
"Yes!" he replied. "Are they yours?"
"Well one is!" i said, "But I stole the other one".

They made me push the bikes all the way to the station, and everyone joined in the task of separating the siamese bicycles with gusto.

I ended up keeping both bikes, and they were both re-stolen within a fortnight.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:56, 6 replies)

have i ever shoplifted?
that all depends on your idea of shoplifting....
i was once accused of shoplifting, dragged into a back room and searched, my crime, looking at the t-shirts / other metal paraphanelia in shop that i thought to be rather cool at the time, what was i accused of stealing? a 1p silver stud (you know the sort people put on leather biker style jackets to look ard - i never ever owned any of them on account of thinking they looked rather gay)

i did once (or twice) help myself to packets of ciggarettes from a mates shop, but it was more of a standing arrangement for when i was skint, a few days later id be "kam, heres the £3 i owe you" "you owe me £3?" "yep pack of fags the day before yesterday" "fair enough"

maybe im wasnt as bad a teenager as i was told i was.
(pogo_it, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:54, 1 reply)

I got 'banned for life' from BHS for stealing sweets
from the eatery at the front of the store. I think I was about 9 at the time.

However, I had the last laugh - I've just furnished my house, and went to Ikea for my soft furnishings, tables and lamps instead. Which means they lost a couple of hundred pounds worth of business.

Thing is, I'm sure if I went in no-one would recognise me, as I used to walk through the store twice a day on my way to work. But buy anything? They can fuck off.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:54, Reply)

I can already tell...
That this QOTW is going to annoy the hell out of me. I'm sure there'll be some great stories, and I'm sure I'll click a few, but I'm equally sure there'll be a few "LOL I stole it anyway 'cos the world owes me something" anecdotes.

Yay. Rant over.

Anyway, to my story.

At the end of last years summer, a few friends and I decided that we would see out the season in a nice, sophisticated manner. Namely sitting in Hyde Park and having a few beers, playing a bit of Frisbee and generally soaking up the atmos.

On the way there, we decided to nip in to Tesco to get some nibbly bits and pieces. These duly paid for, we set about leaving the store. As we walked through the barriers:

"WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP"

And we're set about by some burly security guards. Bags are emptied, receipts are checked. Until my girlfriends bag gets checked. Her handbag, that is.

Lo and behold, there's a bottle of Amaretto in there. Which she'd bought earlier that day, and the person on the till had forgotten to take the mag strip off of it.

After a quick trip home to get the receipt to clear our names, we were allowed to be about our business. Although to this day I still get a distinctly black look from one of the security guards, though I suspect this is because I eloquently pronounced him to be a "fucking wanker" (even though in the cold light of day I am now aware he was only doing his job...)

So yes. That's how my girlfriend (now fiancee! Woo!) managed to shoplift something even though she'd paid for it. Genius.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:52, 4 replies)

I! Stole! Disasterprone's! Headline!
But I'll put it back before he notices...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:49, 3 replies)

Fagin? Moi?
My daughter has recently gained toddler status. (We took her to the shopping centre on her dog-leash type reins for the first time last w/end) I'm actually quite looking forward to seeing what items she can randomly procure for us. Does that make me a bad dad?

Actually, she tried to nab a triple pack of polyester disney knickers for 4-6 year olds from Aldi before christmas, but I wouldn't allow it. (Polyester??? Come-on!)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:48, Reply)

the opposite of shoplifting?
like chickenlady I've never shoplifted.

However, once I was buying a book from waterstones and when I got home I found the till person had accidently put another book in the bag. After reading the back of said book I decided I wanted it, so instead of just keeping it, I went into waterstones, told the person what had happened and PAID FOR THE BOOK.

Yup, I could have just kept it but I decided to pay for it.
(lei, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:48, 2 replies)

When i was...

...12 or 13 I used to love going to get my haircut.

Mainly because my barber used to buy copies of The Daily Sport, and they didn't care if minors read it.

When the barbers were distracted and I was sure that no one was looking I would pull a page out and stuff it in my pockets. On a good day I could some times get 5/6 pages without looking suspicious.

After I got my haircut, I would eagerly get home and wank my self stupid. Good times good times.
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:47, 1 reply)

Couldn't help myself.
I was party to the horrendous crime of nicking a plastic potplant from MacDonalds. I was 31.

I also nicked some sweets from a shop in Blackpool when a child. I thought the FBI was after me for the next few days and kept a low profile.
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:42, Reply)

My school's art department
had a tray full of stanley knives. All mismatched and unmarked. So i stole one.

A teacher saw me showing it off to a mate in my formroom, but as it was unmarked and i boldly claimed that it was mine, they couldn't prove that i'd stolen it from the school.

So she "confiscated" it, saying i shouldn't be allowed to have it out in school. At the end of the day, i decided to be cheeky and ask for it back. Hilariously, because they couldn't prove that it wasn't actually mine, they had to give me it back!

Free stanley knives FTW!

I never used it though. I don't know why i took it in the first place. Just because i could, i suppose.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:41, Reply)

Accidental shoplifting.
When we got our first dog (about 13 years ago now) Mum had to buy a bin to keep his dry food in. We also had a rabbit, so it made sense to get a smaller bin to put its dry food in too. She put the small bin inside the big bin, and forgot. We left the Garden Center and found that she'd only paid for the big bin.
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:40, Reply)

DIY Justice
Over the course of renovating a couple of houses, B&Q have had more than their fair share of my hard earned.

I therefore see it as reasonable to secrete as many small items as possible inside packaging or between large items like compost sacks / sand / cement etc. If the till monkey can't be arsed to check, it's a bonus. If they're vigilant, I would have been paying for them anyway.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:39, 2 replies)

How G robbed a bank
Bank robbery is, in its way, similar to shoplifting. My erstwhile flatmate G, when a student, robbed a bank.

By this, I don't mean that he produced a gun and stole the money. He actually stole (a good part of) the bank.

One day, he was walking along the street when he noticed that the Alliance and Leicester was having a refit, part of which meant a new shopfront. Bits of shopfront were piled on the pavement. Later in the day, they were still there - apparently unguarded. I don't know whether they were bits of the old or new front. It really doesn't matter.

What does matter is that G, quite possibly a little worse for wear by this time of the day, had a brainwave. A brainwave that went somewhat along the lines of "I want that". A subsequent - and longer - brainwave went along the lines of "I am in a rugby team; Big George, the prop forward, would have to help me; I know Big George's phone number; and - Behold! - a phone box!"

Big George clearly thought that G's scheme was brilliant.

The result of all this was a living room full of "borrowed" bits of the Alliance and Leicester.

And that is how G robbed a bank.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:39, Reply)

Blaena!
Blaena was a guy who when we were teenagers would attempt to hang out with us, but never really fitted in.

I was working in a computer shop about 5 years after and I was reading the local Evening Post. I glance in the "Crimefile" section of the paper, which on that particular week had a photo of Blaena shoplifting aftershave in Boots in Mumbles. I point this out to a few of the other workers and chuckle to myself, thinking nothing more.

2 weeks later, we're all working in the shop and in walks Blaena. He sheepishly picks up a game, comes to the counter where I am standing and asks if it is any good.

I shout in a Brian Blessed esque voice "I SAW YOU ON CRIMEFILE!!!!" and burst out laughing. Everyone shopping in the store at the time stopped and looked, and Blaena's jaw hit the floor before he legged it. Oops, did I say something loud?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:36, Reply)

Filthy Phil
One of the earliest hereos i had was my mate Filthy Phil. This man was pure Pikey stock and could nick anything from anywhere, the only man i know to walk in a supermarket and come out with a trolley laden with food and electricals.

He would walk into an offie and then walk back out rattling like an alcoholic parkingsons victim in detox.

Why i aspired to be like him i dont know, but when you are a 12 year old boy these sort of people had a godlike status for me.

Last time i saw him was a few years ago when he was legging it down the street with two security guys after him, must be losing his touch.

Length ? He must have done some time in chokey.
( Trollman, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:35, Reply)

One day,
i was on my way to the shop and a mate, who had detention so couldn't join me, asked me to nick him something while i was there.

So i nicked him a nice shiny 13 amp plug.

He didn't like it, the ungrateful sod, so we left it lying on a wall somewhere. When we walked past it again about half an hour later, some fucker had stole it!

Honestly, who'd steal a plug from somebody's wall? I despair sometimes, i really do.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:35, Reply)

I am copying and pasting a previous answer


Every year one of my kids manages to steal something from the same Mallorcan shop and its always the same man who's working when it happens.

The first time was when the smallest (then being 11 months) reached out and grabbed some toys from the shelf. It wasn't until we were back at the hotel that I noticed the pack of four Disney squeakers he had in his lap. Being the same resort and shop we go to every year and being on "hello when did you arrive" terms with the shop owner I felt it my duty to go back and admit to my child's felony. I was expecting the lovely Mallorquin to give a roasting as he has that kind of face that looks scarey. It wasn't as bad as I thought. He gave them back to him with a grin thanking us for our honesty.

The second time was the same shop a year later - when we arrived on the first day the man in the shop laughed when he saw us and joked about last years incident reminded said child (now 23 months) to behave. Although he forgot to have words with my 6 year old, who 3 days later saw some motorbikes with mickey mouse on them and picked one up for himself which we paid for. It wasn't until we went for lunch in a bar an hour later that I realised the little one had one too which we didn't pay for. On questioning the older boy I discovered he felt sad for his brother and wanted him to have one too. I went back to the shop and insisted that I pay for it (this is also down to my fear that we have friends who live and run a really respected business in this resort and we are known there as their friends so I would hate to damage their reputation) - he eventually caved in and let me do so.

I originally posted this link 6 days before we went on last years holiday and yes, they managed to do it again but sadly not the same shop, it was a cup from the hotel that one of them managed to sneek in the case

We are not going to the same place this year as it's getting to expensive at £3000 for 2 adults 2 children even if it is all inclusive. We've booked to go self catering in Lanzarote which will mean more time in shops :(
( Mrs.Sp@m, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:33, 1 reply)

Chewing gum - pathetic really.
In high school, we went through a phase of nipping to the supermarket to purchase a tasty lunch (it had a Greggs bakery!).

Every day for a few months, I would pick up some gum from near the tills on the way in, 'sneakily' pocket it while selecting my other purchases and 'forget' to pick it back out when paying.

Fuck me - am I Carlos the Jackall or what??
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:33, Reply)

my wee sis
when she was about 3, walked around a hardware store with mum, dad, and me, and managed to fill her anorak hood with screws and washers merely by walking past the displays, and brushing her hood with them (they were at toddler head height).

It wasn't until about an hour later that my parents noticed. and that was only because it started raining, and they went to put her hood up. Cue torrential metal rain all over my now screaming wee sis. Mum and dad collected all the bits they could find and returned them to the shop in abject humiliation.

Kept finding screws wherever my sister went for days afterwards.
( ascorbate, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:31, Reply)

I used to shoplift loads,
even got arrrested for it once.

But one of my finest thefts has got to be the seat off a train. I don't know why i took it, but i was bored so i thought i may as well.

This was on the train to school in the morning, so i must have been spotted as when i was on my way home i saw a bunch of transport cops in the station asking all the school kids questions about it.

I snuck away and got the bus instead.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:30, Reply)

I'm not sure if this counts?
And I'm a bad bad man.

Often while in clubs, I retain my pint glass after finishing my beverage. I then put my pint under the nearest unsupervised tap, fill it up, then walk away with a free pint.

At the prices they charge I think it should be assumed its 2 for 1.

And no I haven't been caught *yet*
(Bennyroo, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:30, 6 replies)

In the dim distant years of my youth..
I was probably responsibly singlehandedly for the crimewave that swept the small rural town we lived in. I only targetted the local chemist but ended up with boxes of multicoloured hairspray (ah the 80's, how I miss them) and rimmel eyeliners in azure blue.

Looking back at it all it does beg the question "why did I do it?", my parents were a tad strict, and so I was never allowed to wear eyeliner, let alone spray my hair florescent pink.

So the stash mouldered under my bed until I found somewhere discreet to throw it.
(mrsfluffles Bitter & twisted? Probably., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:27, Reply)

My worst crime
I did some 'community service' at school which consisted of working for a local hospital. Mostly it was serving tea and coffee in the old people's ward, but for a while they had us in the back room of the shop.

Pricing sweets.

I left there every week with my pockets bulging. The worst time was when I was leaving one week and the manager said 'you can take one away with you if you like' - I felt like the most evil person in the world as I added a packet of fruit pastilles to the seven I'd already nicked.

Stealing from a hospital. What a shit.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:24, 1 reply)

Not me
My Sister once 'alf inched a tub of lip gloss from The Body Shop, realised that our mam would ask where she had got it from promptly ate it all in an attempt to destroy the evidence and made her self poorly bad sick.

Serves her right the thieving little toe rag.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:24, Reply)

I've never done any shoplifting
*cries*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:23, 6 replies)

When at primary school
Between my house and my primary school, there was a business with the word SHOPFITTERS in big letters on the front. I was puzzled as to why they weren't ashamed of themselves.

In retrospect, why did I know more about shoplifting than about how to read? Oh, yes. It's because I'm from Stoke.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:22, 1 reply)

I totally stole
some bubblegum from the corner shop when I was about 6, then was wracked with guilt for days. Irony is I don't even like bubblegum...
(Kendal, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:20, 1 reply)

Am I
Second?

I'd better think of a story then...

In fact, while I'm doing that I'd like to take the opportunity to stop puns about actually lifting shops off the ground etc.

Oh, and anything to do with Richard Madeley.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 11:19, Reply)