haha
Q: What are the three reasons why anal sex is better then vaginal sex?
A: It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.
(dan666, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Joke
Q: What turns a nine - stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel?
A: Polio
(dan666, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 13:22, Reply)

Limerick, could be made into a movie?
There was a young lady from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed from the floor to the ceiling.

That would be an Ealing comedy then.
(enile_snirkette, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 9:47, Reply)

f u n n y
Q. Because there's 20 of them.
A. Cotdeath
(nraphael, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 6:23, Reply)

May have been posted before...
Q. How do you know your sister is on her period?
A. Because I'm wearing my lucky blue coat.
(nraphael, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 6:20, Reply)

not a repeat (but not that sick)
A little old lady is driving her wheelchair up and down the halls of the old-folks home, making car noises. A gent steps out of his room and says "Looks like you were going a bit fast. Can I see your liscense?"
The lady hands him a grocery receipt and he looks at it for a bit and says "Well I'll give you a warning this time, but slow it down a bit."
The lady resumes wheeling the halls making car noises.
The man steps out again and says "your plates expired. Can I see your registration?"
She hands him a napkin and he looks at it and says "I'll let you off with a warning this time, but be careful."
She zooms off and this time the man comes out his room stark naked sporting an erection. The lady says "Oh no! Not the breathalyzer again."
(ambulocetus thinks plesiosaurs taste like chicken, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 2:54, Reply)

How do you know if you have a very high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow!!!
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Mon 27 Mar 2006, 13:36, Reply)

Meaty
What's the difference between a gay and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Sun 26 Mar 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Black Ice
What's the difference between black ice and black women?

I don't like driving over black ice.
(Dusty Pigeon, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 20:18, Reply)

sick babies
What's the sickest thing about a pile of dead babies?

The live one at the bottom trying to get out.
(crispyshark, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 12:35, Reply)

Did you hear about.......
......the paki that put odour eaters in his shoes?



He Vanished!
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 12:02, Reply)

Whats...
..Kodak camera film and Gary Glitter got in common?

They both come in little yellow boxes.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 4:10, Reply)

Vanessa Feltz...
.. got arrested at customs for smuggling 300 pounds of crack up her skirt.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 4:08, Reply)

More Thoughts of a Muddled Mind !
Why do expectant father's boil water during the birth ?
To boil the afterbirth.
(DarkStalker mmmmmm Pie...., Wed 22 Mar 2006, 23:44, Reply)

jokes
how do you get a jew in a car?
thow a penny in
how do you get them out ?
tell them adolf hitler is there driver
How do u circumsise a Mank?
kick his sister in the jaw
what ya call a welshman wiv 5 sheep?
a pimp
(branflakes, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 20:17, Reply)

Vauxhall Kids
"Hey, George how's that new Zafira?"

"It's brilliant, air conditioning, Alloys and CD player, it's great for a long journey. Just wish i could get my two to calm down and stop bawling, shouting and screaming!"

"What's wrong George?"


"Fuckin' Paki's moved in next door!"





P.S: *Zafira's are shite*
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Racist ~cunt
What's the difference between a cricket ball and a paki bird's minge?

If you really, really, really, really, try, you could eat a cricket ball! :}
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 17:21, Reply)

Whats red and sits in a fryer?
Abortion of chips.



so so so so sorry.
( chef losing more hair on a daily basis since, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 2:30, Reply)

Thoughts of a muddled mind !
How can you tell if an essex girl has been at your PC ?
Tippex all over the screen !
(DarkStalker mmmmmm Pie...., Tue 21 Mar 2006, 18:24, Reply)

another joke about people who are sick
The second coming occurs and Jesus appears at an office. He tells the staff to line up and he will cure what ails them.

First Jesus asks the boss what ails him - "Oh Jesus I broke my leg 6 months ago and the doctors have told me I'll never play Rugby again."

Jesus waves his hand. "You are cured my son."

"Oh wow Jesus you're incredible, my leg feels better already."

Next, Jesus asks the secretary what ails her - "Oh Jesus, I get really bad psoriasis on my hand, especially when I'm feeling stressed."

Jesus waves his hand "You are cured my daughter."

"Oh wow Jesus you're incredible, that's cleared up already."

Next Jesus asks the temp what ails him - "Oh Jesus, I have a terrible hangover. It feels like my head is about to split in two."

"Did you cane it really hard my son?" asks Jesus.

"Yes, yes I did my lord."

Jesus smiles and waves his hand "You are cured my son."

"Oh wow Jesus, you're incredible. I feel better already."

Finally Jesus asks the IT guy what ails him - "Well Jesus for three years now I've been suffering from M.E. or as it's properly known Chronic Fatigue Syndrome."

"Yeah, yeah, we all get tired."
(BIV was recently envatted., Tue 21 Mar 2006, 13:42, Reply)

at least it's not a 12 inch pianist

A piano player is starting a new job in a bar. On his first night he's warming up before the bar opens and the barman overhears him playing. The barman is very moved by the music. It seems to transport him back to days gone by, reminding him of a youth that he will never get back and of all the triumphs and disappointments of his childhood.

"Wow, you really play beautifully, what's that song?" He asks the piano player.

The piano player looks pleased "Oh that's one of my own songs actually, I wrote it about a year ago."

"You've got to be kidding! You wrote that song? That's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard. What's it called?"

The piano player smiles, "I named that piece 'The wart-ridden anus of a dying whore'."

"What! Why on earth would you call it that? That's a horrible name and it's such a beautiful piece of music. Surely you could think of a better name than that?"

"Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it."

The barman is disappointed so goes back to cleaning glasses. The piano player starts playing a new song and once again the barman is very moved by the piece. He feels on top of the world, proud and confident. He thinks of his home and how he would be willing to die to defend it. Once again he is so moved that he approaches the piano player.

“Wow that piece was just as amazing as the last one. Surely you didn’t write that too though?”

The piano player grins. “Yep I wrote that one too, just the other night in fact. It’s called ‘Saggy man breasts covered in shit’.

“Oh no. No, you can’t call it that. That’s all wrong. It’s such a great song, surely you could think of another name?”

The barman turns back to the piano. "Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it."

The barman goes back to his work and despite himself he can’t help but be stirred by the next song the piano player plays. This time the barman feels a great swelling in his chest and a sense of love for all of God's creatures. He thinks of his wife and children and how much they mean to him and he is so filled with love and joy that a few tears roll down his cheek. He can’t help but approach the piano player again.

“That’s the most beautiful song of the three. That really meant a lot to me. If you wrote that one too then I think you must be some sort of musical genius.”

The piano player smiles gently. “That was the first song I ever wrote.”

The barman braces himself. “Go on then, tell me what it’s called.”

“I named that piece ‘Away and suck my spunk from out your mother’s cunt’. Before you ask, I like the name and I’m not going to change it.”

The barman looks angry. “Listen mate, you’ll do fine tonight. Just play your songs and the crowd will love you. But a word of advice - don’t tell them what the songs are called. It ruins them.”

The piano player grudgingly agrees.

The bar opens and soon it’s nice and busy. The piano player starts playing and the crowd are lapping it up. Everyone is listening so intently that you could hear a pin drop. The piano player take the applause graciously and just as the barman advised, never once does he reveal the names of his songs. After an hour or two of playing, he announces that he’s going to take a short break and that he’ll be back in half an hour. The crowd cheer and applaud and the piano player bows and smiles before finally retreating into the back. Half an hour later he heads back to the piano but nips into the gents on his way back. He’s just finished relieving himself when a slightly drunk guy slaps him on the back and congratulates him on the performance. As a result, the piano player is distracted and fails to button up his boxer shorts or to even do up his fly. He makes his way out into the bar and he’s walking towards the piano when an older gent stops him.

“Excuse me.” Says the old gent. “But do you know your fly’s undone and everyone can see your cock?”

The piano player looks furious. “Know it! Know it! I fucking wrote it!”
(BIV was recently envatted., Tue 21 Mar 2006, 13:24, Reply)

maybe not the sickest..
but it made me giggle and cringe.
whats the difference between a gay man and a microwave?
..
Microwaves dont brown your meat XD
(The Real Gowen, Mon 20 Mar 2006, 20:40, Reply)

Long...ish
A man went to a local brothel to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the 'reception' (yeah, like brothels have receptions...) gave him a key (or keys!) and told him to go to room 314.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the night. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few tips and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began to perform the oral sex and he was, by her (typical ho) reaction, pretty good at it. But something funny happened: A little while into the deed, he discovered something in his mouth. He spat it into his palm and found a chunk of carrot.

"Oh god, that's horrible!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued.

A few seconds after that, he came out with a pea.

"Damn, I can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this Ho." But once again, he said nothing and gave it another shot.

A few moments later, he came up with a bit of chicken. He just couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's odd," remarked the hooker, "that's what the last guy did."
(Fwapper Has just got a new PC =), Mon 20 Mar 2006, 20:07, Reply)

Sick Joke
What's the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.
(snap-happy, Mon 20 Mar 2006, 14:08, Reply)

Why do you put babies in blenders feet first?
So you can look them in the eye while you're having a wank!
(sickprophet Injuring Disabled Animals, Mon 20 Mar 2006, 13:33, Reply)

Said to my sister,
"You're a better fuck than Mum," She replied "Yea Dad said the same thing".
(wild west, Mon 20 Mar 2006, 8:30, Reply)

Been done?
Whats the best thing about sex with a 7 year old girl?

When your done you can turn her around and pretend shes a 7 year old boy.

What do you get if you stab a baby?

An Erection
(Time4heroes, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 19:38, Reply)

Just a few from me...
What does a jew wear while taking a shower?
His gas mask.

What time is it when the baby starts hissing?
Time to take it out of the oven.

A man is born made of rock. One day he looks in the mirror and runs his hand across his rock body
Then he says "hmm, I feel like cummingtonite."
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Sun 19 Mar 2006, 19:26, Reply)

Heres some my teacher told me...
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair

Whats blue and crawls?
A baby in a plastic bag

How do you get a baby off a clothesline?
With a cricket bat
(Ireul, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 12:13, Reply)