A pea but still makes me laugh whenever I think about it
I have a mate (honest) who, despite being in his 40s, loves to scare the bejesus out of people by jumping out of hiding places when they least expect it. His name's Lee.

On one occasion, the rest of the family (wife and two kids) were out, and he heard the car pulling into the drive. Giggling to himself, he decided to hide in a storage cupboard opposite the entrance to the lounge and to see just how badly he could make them shit themselves.

They came in, put the shopping away, wandered round the house etc, while Lee stayed concealed, waiting for the perfect moment once they had all settled down. This they eventually did, after about 20 minutes or so, and they settled down on the sofa to watch a bit of telly.

Lee's plan was to leap out of the cupboard, taking a giant stride or two, leaping into the middle of the lounge while roaring at the top of his voice. Not imaginative, but likely to be effective. Unfortunately, in the 'giant stride' phase of the plan, Lee neglected to factor in his 6 foot 4 inch height. As he embarked upon his leap into the lounge, he smashed his head on the underside of the door frame, knocking himself unconscious before he even had the chance to roar.

Thus his family were confronted with the sight of their husband/father hurtling noiselessly into the middle of the lounge, collapsing as he went, and smashing through the coffee table.

Went well.
(Bappage, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 11:13, 4 replies)

Roadworks.
Well, pavement to be more precise. Severn Trent had dug up a section of pavement, and put in a temporary walkway on the road, much to the annoyance of the cyclists who lost approximately seven feet of their oh-so-fucking-precious dedicated lane.

They'd have been cheered up by the sight of an unfortunate pedestrian who appeared to have been in an unfortunate accident which left him wearing a cast and walking with the aid of crutches. They'd have been much more joyful after seeing him dismount the kerb, unwittingly putting the crutch onto a gutter, only for the rubber foot to split under his weight and dump him face first onto the floor.

Cyclists can be cunts at times.
( Muns, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 10:59, 3 replies)

cumquat may's post below reminded me of this one
My friend's dad decided that it was time to lay a new drive on the front of their house, but the old drive needed breaking up and removing first, so he put on his work trousers and with all the kids sitting around watching he manfully strode out, hefted his pickaxe, swung it behind his head and...


...froze. And then staggered a bit. And then said, in a pained voice, "Call an ambulance, I think the pickaxe is stuck in the back of my head."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 10:44, 3 replies)

It's ok. It will polish out.
A few years ago, we stayed at a very posh hotel in Austria called the Hotel Sacha. There's no way we could normally afford to stay in a place like this, but my Mrs was airline cabin crew so got lots of concessions, which made this sort of thing possible.

www.sacher.com/hotel-sacher-salzburg/

One morning i popped downstairs & out the main entrance for a little walk before breakfast. Just as i walked out, an uber rich swanky playboy type pulled up outside the hotel in a big posh daimler. As is normal for drivers of this sort of vehicle, he pulled up on the yellow lines outside the hotel & threw open the drivers door without looking.

......only for the drivers door to be ripped straight off its hinges by the large truck coming up straight behind him!!

I have never laughed so much in my life! Even the penguin suited Austrian doorman managed a smirk when i caught his eye!
(thisisian, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 10:40, Reply)

Animals do the funniest things
I was working in the kitchen which overlooks the rear garden and there was a thud at the window. Most likely a bird so I go outside and indeed there is a Goldfinch fledgling looking stunned. Good I thought that means I don't have to 'neck it', the young bird flew onto the lawn further assuring me of it's safety.

That is until next doors cat made a pounce for the still dazed bird. Oh noes I think and the cat does grab the bird, until the Peregrine Falcon which must have spotted the soft target of a Goldfinch for its breakfast arrived at speed but it grabbed the cat which dropped the bird and then the falcon after raising the terrified cat about a metre from the ground dropped the cat. The falcon disappears, the cat disappears and the lucky, thankful soon to be adult Goldfinch escapes to safety. All in all an exciting 45 seconds or so.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 9:42, 6 replies)

Not sure if this is slapstick, but last year I was showing the wife of one of my dad's mates how to fish
She wound up for a big overhead cast and let fly, and managed to get the hook embedded in the back of her scalp. We had to cut the hook and push it through, due to the barbs. I laughed so hard I almost choked on my beer, though I was stoned, which is my desired default state for any and all family functions
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 7:46, 2 replies)

Everyone loves wavy lines, right? I'm sure everyone loves wavy lines.
~~wavy lines~~

University halls, arse end of the 90s; there was a long, reasonably steep road, with a speed bump and a bend at the bottom. Wandering back from lectures, or the pub, or something - probably stoned - I saw a girl making the descent on a pair of rollerblades. She cut an impressive figure; crouched down into a racing stance, slim, toned, her long brown hair blowing in the wind - she sailed effortlessly past, knees flexing to account for the speedbump without her upper body moving at all. Quite aside from the fact that she was reasonably attractive, her graceful economy of movement was a thing of genuine beauty. My gaze briefly followed as she rapidly disappeared away, into the fog of my then lamentable short term memory.

Turning back to my walk home, it became apparent that she was merely the appetizer to the substantial main course. Her 'big boned' friend, bedecked like the Michelin Man in all the protective gear money can buy, was approaching at a speed that was clearly very worrying to her, and also to any innocent bystanders in her path. Face beet red, stature bolt upright, and arms windmilling like a mong in an MMA ring, she hurtled past with a plaintive wail that rose and then immediately fell in a Doppler shift of unadulterated panic and misery. I turned in time to see her reach the speedbump; I don't know how, or why, but the centre of her not inconsiderable gravity seemed to be placed several yards above her head, and the moment her blades simultaneously touched the rise she pivoted violently backwards, never bending in the slightest - and with a distinctly audible "crack", hit the deck like the fist of an angry god.

She was groggily up and on her way before long. Which is just as well, as I was too crippled with laughter to actually do anything constructive. Hopefully, her padding - both natural and purchased - protected her from any real harm

tl;dr: fat chick falls over, suffers potential brain damage.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 2:01, 2 replies)

Skilarious
Did a week's ski school in Bulgaria in the mid 1990s - strange place, but interesting. Six of us on the school, one of whom was a sprawling female mess of lard and facial hair from Sarf Lahndan.

And I mean big - I couldn't believe this woman could ever move on a pair of skis - I'd have confidently predicted them to grind to a halt under her weight. Initially I admired her guts (there were after all, plenty of them) but as the week progressed, it became apparent that guts equated to a total lack of self-awareness. She was a right fucking pain on every level.

We were supposed to be an intermediate group but she was far and away the worst, causing endless resentment since we had to wait for her every time we went anywhere - her wobbly snowplough down an easy red run had to be seen to be believed. She wouldn't admit she was complete beginner level and, we found out later, no other instructor would take her.

But of course her biggest problems were always going to be on the lifts. It always took her three or four attempts to get on one and getting off at the top generally sent her careering off in an unintended direction.

This particular day we used a button lift where the track steepened quite a bit before hitting the bump on the crest. Everyone found it a bit tricky to get off at the top but this time, instead of dismounting ungracefully and wobbling unsteadily away she fell off just over the bump - and of course, couldn't get up again.

The instructress and I were both at the top, we quickly ditched our skis and tried to pull her up - god knows what she weighed, but no way was that ever going to be a possibility. There were a few empty buttons behind her but as we frantically tried to raise her we were aware that there was a line of people getting closer and closer. She and I looked at each other and, without saying a word, just let go of her arms, scrambled back to where we'd left our skis and settled down to watch.

I don't think the people behind could quite see what was going on - the first one came over the bump, let go of the drag, and fell flat on his face on top of her. The second fell over the first, the third tried to go off to one side but again fell over, the next went the other way and disappeared down the slope into some trees.... within seconds there was a pile of bodies helplessly waving every available limb. I remember thinking it looked like something from a 60s cartoon, all static bodies and waving arms.

I don't think I've ever seen anything so farcical. I cried laughing - I mean really, really cried. The instructress, try as she might to avoid it, also cried with laughter. The body count increased but there was absolutely nothing we could do - in the end they had to stop the lift while everyone managed to pick themselves up.

And it took three strapping Bulgarian instructors to drag whatever her name was to her feet again - one pushing from behind while the other two pulled her up. Which made me feel much better.

The last thing I saw, as we finally set off down the run, was the friend of the guy who went the wrong way off the slope still shouting "Hans? Hans?" into the trees. Fuck knows what happened to Hans. He's probably still there somewhere.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 6 Oct 2014, 1:00, Reply)

This year's physics Ig Nobel
went to a Japanese paper that analysed why banana skins are so slippery when trodden on: www.improbable.com/ig/winners/#ig2014

So that's nice.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 22:41, 8 replies)

Another escalator story
I was 16 and it was my first trip to that there London with a bunch of mates from school. After much wandering aimlessly around, we entered a tube station (can't remember which) for the trip back to Euston and the train home.

There was a bit of a queue at the down escalators, though it was moving slowly, and we found ourselves behind a man, his young (4-5 yr old) son and his well-fed wife... who he was pushing in a wheelchair. To be honest, I hadn't noticed these details while queueing, but they became immediately apparent as soon as he boarded the escalator.

As the level platform on which you board turned inexorably into a flight of steps, our hero began to push down on the handles of the wheelchair in an attempt to keep it level and avoid his missus being catapulted head-first over the heads of the commuters below. Sadly, he over-compensated and, as he hadn't set the brakes, the back wheels rolled off the step and began to gather momentum.

In an act of supreme strength and commitment, the guy kept hold of the handles as the weight of the chair pulled him into a prone position. The chair only stopped accelerating because of his death-grip on it, and the fact that his fully outstretched body acted as a brake and caused the chair to fall over onto its back.

As this happened, we were able to identify the locals as they were the ones doing fuck-all to help, and it was one of my mates who had the presence of mind to shout for someone to press the emergency stop.

Once everything stopped moving, we lifted the chair up to find the son wedged underneath, fortunately uninjured, like his Mum. The idiot who decided to push his wife's chair onto the escalator suffered some cuts and scrapes but got off lightly given the possible outcome, though the tirade of abuse he got from the Underground staff member who came to see what the problem was was well-deserved.

To our credit, we only started laughing after the event, though I believe that such behaviour means I have to hand back my "I'm a B3ta Cunt" card.

tl;dr - some cunt thought pushing a wheelchair onto a tube station escalator was a good move - he was wrong.

Length: about 70 steps.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Sun 5 Oct 2014, 21:42, Reply)

Six years... I can mention this one again, right?
For my birthday one year, a mate of mine, being a fan of all things Vic and Bob, decided to get me a frying pan. Best. Present. Ever.

It was made of some flimsy alloy, akin to metallic paper, and painted red. The best bit, was that it caused absolutely no harm when you attempted to spang someone on the head with it, but it did make a lovely metal "CLANG!" noise. Instant slapstick comedy gold (well, probably more like tin).

This was all well and good, causing much merriment in school with even the teachers enjoying the odd spang. Sadly, it all came to an end when I decided to use it for the intended purpose however.

There were no other clean pans, the parents were away and I was hungry, so I popped some oil and an egg into my spanging pan, and put it on the stove....

Firstly the red paint began to smoke and bubble, before peeling away from the pan and falling to the bottom of the hob in a flaming mess. Then, the wafer thin pan began to warp and bend. Yup, that's right, a melting frying pan. I have tried many times to find a pan of similar quality, but I think it must have been a one-of-a-kind special that EU regulations have now outlawed. Shame...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sun 5 Oct 2014, 21:16, Reply)

Got to be one of you lot right
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-29497117
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 20:58, 5 replies)

Twiglets
A guy I was at school with had to have stitches in his arm after being stabbed with a Twiglet.

We were having a Twiglet dueling session (as you do when you're a bored 15 year old with Twiglets) and while most of our attempts at stabbing ended in broken Twiglet shame, one person managed a side on Twiglet lunge which caused quite a gash.

Not really slapstick but it's the best I can do.
( Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 20:46, 6 replies)

I once watched a much-disliked surgical registrar separate an old lady's bum cheeks to inspect her peri-anal abscess and a small fountain of shit and pus-streaked blood spurted right into his mouth.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 20:34, 4 replies)

Milkshake and mud
One of my fondest memories from my younger years involves McDonalds Milkshake, torrential rain and a fairly fat man.

Sat in my then girlfriends car in the car park of McDonalds in the industrial northern town of Widnes (I know right!). We had just been through the drive thru and had been asked to go and park in one of the bay's and our order will be brought out to us. It is raining, heavily, in fact it's so so heavy it's that kind of rain that sounds like it will crack the windscreen, instant rivers are forming across the car park carrying Big Mac boxes and fries cartons that look like miniature life rafts for the local rats.

As we are there sipping our drinks and waiting for our food I am pretty amazed to see a rather portly business man type venturing out into the rain, large McDonald's drink in one hand and bag of food in the other, light blue shirt instantly turning dark blue in the extreme down pour. He starts to run, he approaches a slight grass bank about 10 yards in front of us...WHACK!!! The guy slips in such a way both legs come up off the floor about 3 feet in the air, McDonald's drink is launched straight up, food bag disappears from view. As he hits the muddy sloped floor the milkshake he has been carrying comes hurtling down right on top of him. Now I fgure he cannot see us, but he is sat now covered in mud, and milkshake and is soaked to the bone...he appears to be looking straight at us, as I laugh so hard with my girlfriend for so long I swear I may have lost control of my bladder.

As if to make things worse a McDonald's employee ventures out with our food, deftly skips around the fallen fat man, knocks on our window, hands the food over and says simply "what a wanker".
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 20:32, Reply)

I've got a slapstick and a string of fake sausages from a 1950s punch and judy

(boomshambles, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 19:45, Reply)

My friend actually slipped on a banana skin in real life
even though he was lying on the floor in some quite considerable pain, he had to admit that it was hilarious
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 19:18, Reply)

Loitering in a shopping mall once
I watched a woman absent mindedly push a fully laden shopping trolley on to the escalator.

I will cherish that moment until I die.
(posthumous mince is tiptoeing through the tulips, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 19:13, Reply)

Catwalk
There's a shopping mall in Las Vegas called Fashion Show Mall, and sure enough it features a catwalk for special clothing occasions. It's apparently slippery too. I watched two models crater as they strode the shimmering path, and could see the dread as others were presented for sacrifice.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 19:05, Reply)

shopping in harrods with my friend who wanted to see the kittens on the top floor
as we were going back down the escalator, a little boy on the upward bound escalator tripped at the end and fell over. seconds later, there was a mountain of people falling on top of him. others were frantically jogging backwards to avoid the struggling mound, but it was no use, and inexorably they were swept to their doom.

by the time someone stopped the escalator, there must have been about 20 people piled up like some kind of tourist gang bang.

comedy gold.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 18:34, 4 replies)

My grandma was deaf in her right ear.
I was about 8 or 9, and had never been told this (or at least didn't remember ever being told it). We were waiting to cross the road, looking both ways. She was satisfied that it was safe, but I could see the fast car approaching and warned her to stop.

Unfortunately I was standing to her right, and she didn't hear me.

Even more unfortunately, I then instinctively grabbed her arm and stopped her, thereby denying myself and passers-by the hilarious spectacle of her being upended by a speeding car, doing a somersault in the air and landing on the road behind it with a massive splat, before being flattened by the next car.

She lived another 20 years after that, and every day was at the cost of what would have been a fucking hilarious accident.
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Sun 5 Oct 2014, 18:24, Reply)

The late, lamented Firkin chain
After a lengthy undergrad session in the Ferret & Firkin one evening, Eric tried three times to mount and move off on his bicycle - falling off each time. Then we came clean and reminded him he hadn't unchained it from the lamp-post yet...

[Or Ian another time - who decided to ask the next pedestrian to undo his bike's combination lock as he was too pissed to read the digits. The passing copper was not exactly of much assistance in this cunning plan].
(baldybeardy, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 17:47, Reply)

Blind guy
Felt bad afterwards but loled at the time.

This blind guy was walking along with his white stick on the university campus and he's there tapping his way along making sure he didn't bump into anything. On the path there was this labourers truck (I think it was a Corsa van), must have been doing some maintenance or something. Anyway, blind guy's stick didn't warn him of the ladder attached to the roof and he walks straight into it.

Tee hee.
(jamsplodge, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 17:25, Reply)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 17:18, Reply)

Anyone seen any particularly funny traffic accidents?

( Zuowan, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 17:16, 3 replies)

The chap in the background hilariously fell over the fake winky and landed face down on the bed.
[mod edit: deleted]
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 17:13, 7 replies)

I saw a hilarious photo featuring two dogs caught off-guard in their underwear.
Anyone want to see it?
( Zuowan, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 16:51, 6 replies)

POOP
POOP
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 16:16, 1 reply)