Un Idiota
A few years back we celebrated my father's 70th birthday in Tuscany and he took the whole tribe to the sumptuous Villa Casanova, just west of Lucca.

The Casanova was a small but beautifully formed hotel with only 14 suites, which led to a high level of intimacy with our fellow guests and within two days we were on first name terms with a couple of rich Americans on second honeymoons, overfed German retirees and members of my highly dysfunctional family.

Being the height of summer, meals were taken outside, with tables perched precariously around the pool, allowing residents to eat with an unrivaled view of the Tuscan hills. One night, the night of my Dad's actual birthday, we returned en-masse to the hotel at around 11pm. We'd put away a fair few bottles of Tignanello, I was drunk but not falling down drunk. The hotel's front door was locked, so we entered via the villa gates that led down to the pool.

Spying one of the American couples - a particularly attractive, well-kept, fortysomething brunette and her husband, a refined tidy-bearded dotcom millionaire - I waved and strode over to the their table...completely failing to notice the swimming pool between us. I took a full, purposeful step...directly into the deep end.

As I slowly and embarrassingly swam to the steps, hauled myself out and began the ritual of pouring water from my Italian loafers, I took stock of the situation. Trying to ignore the din of my family screeching in hysterics, I glanced at the brunette, now looking far less attractive with red wine pouring through her nose.

Whilst wringing out my linen suit, the noise died down enough for the obnoxious male-half of the yank couple to declare at full volume, 'Amazing! Whaddya do for an encore?'

Prick.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 11:41, 27 replies)

I actually rather liked this.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 11:52, closed)

I'm afraid we're going to need to see photographic evidence that you were in Tuscany
A photo of the villa with an arm in the foreground holding up a sign with Albert Marshmallow, the date and the time written on it as well as details from your internet service provided with your usage details at the time will suffice.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 11:54, closed)

And a DNA sample

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 12:08, closed)

Ol' Stalky will probably have proof. He knows where I am before I'm even there.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 12:10, closed)

Not any more sadly.
He's gone a bit slow after his breakdown.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 12:21, closed)

This was wonderful but I have to say that an owner of a linen suit would never wring it.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 12:21, closed)

Needless to say
You're living the dolce vida loca...
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 12:49, closed)

The only correct course of action in such a situation,
Is to simply pretend that no mistake was made... make no attempt to pour water from shoes or wring clothes out... simply act as normal, like this is just how you roll.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 13:03, closed)

You were on first-name terms after a couple of days?
Does that mean that you used title and surname before that? Or did you ignore them?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 13:48, closed)

Ignored...until it became rude not to.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 16:18, closed)

Should've broken the nearest bread roll in half and introduced yourself as Jesus.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 14:08, closed)

this normally flushes out shambles like a turd in a jetwash toilet
where is he these days?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 14:38, closed)

QUICK! Somebody needs to call someone a cunt.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 14:48, closed)

I understand Shambo and all the 'terrible trolls' have been banned (sorry, B&)
Which has made Albert feel brave enough to start posting again without fear of reprisal.

Whether or not that's a good thing or a bad thing, I have yet to determine.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 15:23, closed)

Yeah, but didn't he own approximately all of the accounts?
I don't see how they can have banned all of them, especially not with all those dogs.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 15:25, closed)

Wikipedia says that B3ta has about 100,000 subscribers.
I think only about 49,999 are Shambo. There are also 49,999 that are R*b F**rholme.

Then there's you and me left.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 15:29, closed)

Fascinating stuff, I am sure you could gather more data and provide a few graphs and Venn diagrams.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 15:55, closed)

I found this instead

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 16:13, closed)

Stop bullying me!

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 18:26, closed)

I'm sure this is true because I'm
Shambling and also Fairbelm.
They're sharing me.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 7 Oct 2014, 16:50, closed)

So's you all know
I am not now, nor have I ever been Dr Shambolic. I laid claim to this moniker many, many moons ago, as it crawled out of a mescal botle worm's aft end. Any relationship with the bad doctor is strictly alliterative. ... Hope this helps.
(shamblinthru Grasshopper! Next time use the potholders!, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 5:36, closed)

Feel oddly conflicted to say I like this.

(McChinaman banned, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 19:11, closed)

Imagine being on first name terms with your own family.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 20:19, closed)

TL-DR - Should read like this
Not long ago we celebrated my father's 70th birthday in a little static caravan in Skegness.

The Caravan was a shithole, but there we are.

Being the depths of winter, meals were taken in the sites fish and chip shop, with tables perched precariously around a bird bath, allowing residents to eat with an unrivaled view of the recycling bins.
One night, the night of my Dad's actual birthday, we returned en-masse to the caravan at around 11pm. We'd put away a fair few bottles of Carling, I was drunk but not falling down drunk. The caravans was locked, so we huddled by the door wondering what to do.

Spying one of the park attendants - I waved and strode over to the them ...completely failing to notice the broken paving slab between us. I took a full, purposeful step...directly into a puddle.

As I slowly and embarrassingly pulled my Puma trainer out of the mud, I took stock of the situation. Trying to ignore the din of my family screeching in hysterics, I glanced at the park attendant, now pissing himself with laughter.

Whilst wringing out my cheap chinese trainer, the noise died down enough for the park attendant to exclaim "are you always this much of a wanker"
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 22:53, closed)

^Winner^

(HairyBaldy, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 17:22, closed)

Imitation...the sincerest form of flattery. Thx.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 22:48, closed)