How to meet spoilt brats...
A couple of years ago, I was looking for work and a friend tipped me off about Tutors International. This organisation provides private tutoring for the fruit of plutocrats' loins.

The terms of the vacancies ads have to be seen to be believed: pay in the region of £40k and upwards, plus accommodation, a car, and international travel isn't unheard of. In fact, it's reasonably common.

They're updated ad hoc - but for the latest batch, have a look at www.tutors-international.net/for_tutors/adverts.php. I've kept the page bookmarked because, on occasion, I like to be able to stare at my screen in utter disbelief.

Really. As far as I can tell, they're all serious.



EDIT: the link doesn't seem to work. Try clicking the adverts tab via www.tutors-international.net/ LINK FIXED. Cheers, Dr Ceilidhband.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:28, 32 replies)

psst!! you have
a rogue full-stop at the end of your link (so the link won't work).
Just put a space between the '.php' and the full-stop.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:31, closed)

Oh yeah?
well you've got a rogue face on the end of your neck!

*flounces off crying*

Why can't you just leave Enzyme alone! He's only a man, he can't take much more!

*cries more*

*beats floor with fists*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:34, closed)

aw, bless, al!
maybe you'll have more luck with him than I did.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:36, closed)

Oh, just 'cos it's you...
Have another go.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:39, closed)

Maybe
I already have. It's those big words he uses, I feel I touched on this yesterday but you possibly didn't really get the full depth of what I'm trying to convey.

I mean, look at his post up there, he just flings in words like "vacancies" and "accommodation" with such reckless abandon, it's like watching a Pollock being constructed. But, you know, without the suicide and stuff.

*shudders*

God he gets me wet.

*slides off chair and leaves trail like a slug*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:41, closed)

Pollocks...
Pfffttt...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:42, closed)

All joking aside
have you read the ontario one? Firstly, Enzyme, you would be perfect, and secondly, read the description of the kid. I think we might have just found where The Goat lives!

Plus you get to have sex with a 22 year old.

At least, that's what I gathered from reading between the lines "she doesn't want to join in the discussion but you can lick ice cream off her buttocks" is how it came across to me.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:44, closed)

Hmmm...
£1800 a week and a 22-year-old daughter...

*applies*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:48, closed)

how thick
do they have to be, to be 22 and need tutoring?

Yeah, you're in with a chance.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:55, closed)

So I only have a chance with the thick girls? Is that it?
Damn.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:57, closed)

aye
Plus the boy-child sounds like a complete cunt.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:58, closed)

*sobs*

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:00, closed)

But it's
only for two weeks and Dammit is nobody else really excited about this disinterested 22 year old?

No? Well fine, I'm going to re-enact wednesday afternoon right now on my desk.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:06, closed)

breakfast at 10am?
They can just fuck off, bloody heathens!
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:30, closed)

So you are saying
I could get £20k for teaching up to 33 children or £48k for teaching a posh kid.

Let me think...........
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:48, closed)

And you get to have sex with a 22 year old girl!
don't forget that.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:49, closed)

NO! NO! NO!
It's £48k and a car and food and accommodation and flights.

Duh.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:50, closed)

yeah, shaggin the daughter
is a perk, not a taxable benefit ;)
(Hosey^, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 12:57, closed)

But
It'd look good on the P11D...

Car Benefit £XXXX
Fuel Benefit £xxxx
Licking Ice Cream off Pert, Nubile 22 year old before roughly rogering her in assorted positions with/without enormous vegetables Benefit £XXXX


Edits

The Department of Leeches, Vampires and Assorted Bloodsuckers have assessed your Tax Status for the Tax Year 2008-2009 to be that of "Jammy Bastard" and therefore will take immemse pleasure in taxing you to Death while pleasuring ourselves with a medium sized aubergine and a jar of garlic mayonnaise.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:00, closed)

Sounds like
that Mastercard ad.

Priceless.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:03, closed)

Ow
That hurts my soul
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:10, closed)

British one.
The girls enjoy many activities, including yoga, dance, music, art, running, non-competitive sports, cooking, sewing, computer games, and staying in touch with friends.

What actually are non-competitive sports?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:18, closed)

Fucking behind the bike sheds
that sort of thing.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:19, closed)

Yep.
The kind of sport where coming first doesn't get you a prize.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:22, closed)

hahaha
and they have Attention Deficit Disorder, Non Verbal Learning Disabilities and Autistic Spectrum Disorder!

please may I make a "I bet its Gilgamesh and mikewozhere" joke? please?
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:33, closed)

oh
go on then
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:43, closed)

aawwwww
thanks al!

















I bet they are Gilgamesh and Mikewozere!







hehehehehe runs off to wee
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:49, closed)

autism
I had an autistic spectrum disorder. I plugged the Kempston interface in without switching it off first and after that the speaker wouldn't work.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:50, closed)

I suffered a similar
problem when I unplugged the multiface form my amstrad while in the middle of playing boulder dash. I was gutted.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 13:52, closed)

my cousin got one of those jobs
working as a tutor/governess for a diplomat's family in geneva. she earns silly amounts of money, gets taken on at least 3 holidays a year and was bought a porsche by the diplomat for her 21st.
lucky bitch.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 17:30, closed)

Oh dear God
Would you look at the descriptions of the children...

"The girls respond well to a merit and reward system.... It is expected that the Tutor will be in regular communication with the family and nanny in regards to academic, emotional and social progress so that consistent strategies can be employed at school and home."

Translation: completely out of control.

"He is highly intelligent, and has been raised to be sceptical of received opinions and to question the source and validity of information."

He is a loudmouthed know-it-all brat who screams at anyone who tries to tell him anything. He is not very bright.

"There is an older sister (22 by 2010), who may wish to join some of the seminars, but this unlikely."

Retarded nymphomaniac from a 19th century melodrama.

The little froglets (tadpoles?) sound OK, though cursed with their parents.
(ubergeekian, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 18:50, closed)

Oh Lord
These make me sick. Really, no joke.

Puke.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 12 Oct 2008, 5:25, closed)